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Too Kind? - 1/23/2013 8:11:09 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline 		Okay, I wasn't sure if I should even start this thread, but here goes. Most people that "know" me online here know that I started out as a sub, went switch, and I've left switch behind and now I'm a Domme, and I'm happy this way.

So the other day, this really good friend of mine who's a sub said "You're not a Domme, you're a switch. You're too nurturing to be a Domme. Look how you entertain and take care of people at your apartment." I told her that Dommes can be nurturing too and there's no rule that says Dommes can't be nice to people in both their vanilla and kink lives.

I guess the generalizations and misconceptions just bother me but I shouldn't let them. I just don't understand why some people think Dommes can't be nurturing and kind, unless maybe it's the porn industry that portrays us as cold-hearted bitches. Also, there's a whole category of male Doms called "Daddies" that are expected to be nurturing, so it's obvious that Dominants can be.

So my question to the other Dommes is, have any of you ever been told you're too nurturing and kind to be a Domme? If so, what did you tell the person?

NBMG

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RE: Too Kind? - 1/23/2013 9:03:00 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		I've had this conversation dozens of times!! Everything from newbie sub terrified I would whip him in the starbucks that told me I was "too kind & genuine to be HIS domme" to my poly where peoplle were constantly trying to figure out which of us was in charge, termed "lions mating" by his staff.
Kind of like whackos that come on CM (all too often) I don't get too wrapped up in others opinions of my label. I label as a switch to be genuine to my life experience, I am a domme through & through. Submission to THAT MAN doesn't make that label fit for any of the others. Nuturing I think is an asset to lifestyle dommes. Most of us are looking to get the best out of our subs which much like gardening can take time, sunlight, water, & some fertilizer for their egos to achieve the desired result.
I don't think compassion, nurturing or being against insta-subs are any less domly than whips, leather, latex & 12inch heels MAKE a domme. Be who you are, there is a sub that fits that.


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RE: Too Kind? - 1/23/2013 10:00:23 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I'd suggest that your friend needs an education rather than putting faith in stereotypes. Usually, that's a misconception that's held by those who don't know that Dominants have the range of personality types. Not somebody who has an opportunity to know multiple people of any particular orientation.

I think most Dominant women have heard some version of the "you're too nice" routine. When I've come across it, I just tell people that being Dominant doesn't equate to being a hard ass. Lately, I've taken to saying things like, "yes, the big, bad sadist coos at cute little kittens" or some other thing.


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RE: Too Kind? - 1/23/2013 10:09:40 PM   
absolutchocolat


Posts: 1392
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl

So my question to the other Dommes is, have any of you ever been told you're too nurturing and kind to be a Domme? If so, what did you tell the person?

NBMG


Yes, I've been told that I am not mean enough. I didn't realize that to be dominant, I had to be a bitchy sadist. Now, don't get me wrong, I can be very stern, but all of that "you're too nurturing" mess is projection. Just because you don't fit into the little Domme box that your friend wants you in, doesn't mean you're not a kick-ass D. Keep doing what YOU like and what makes YOU happy. After all, you're the one in charge.

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RE: Too Kind? - 1/23/2013 10:18:03 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I'd suggest that your friend needs an education rather than putting faith in stereotypes. Usually, that's a misconception that's held by those who don't know that Dominants have the range of personality types. Not somebody who has an opportunity to know multiple people of any particular orientation.


I totally agree. She has zero experience with female Dominants and I told her that. She seems to think that nurturing and helping are submissive qualities and that I'm submissive in my vanilla life and Domme in my bdsm life. I thought that was rather funny, as I can be a nurturing Domme.

She also referred to the nurturing behavior as "feminine, submissive behavior." lol She apparently suffers from the misconception that female = submissive. She actually was surprised that I was offended at that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat
Yes, I've been told that I am not mean enough. I didn't realize that to be dominant, I had to be a bitchy sadist

Oh, I can be a sadist at times. But at other times I'm nurturing. Yes, I don't fit into her little box and I have no intention of doing so.

NBMG

< Message edited by NiceButMeanGirl -- 1/23/2013 10:22:00 PM >

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RE: Too Kind? - 1/23/2013 10:56:33 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl
. She seems to think that nurturing and helping are submissive qualities and that I'm submissive in my vanilla life and Domme in my bdsm life. I thought that was rather funny, as I can be a nurturing Domme.

Its common I think for kinksters jobs or sex to be confused with which end of the kneel "they belong on".
Some of my favorite subs have been C-level executives for major corporations. They crave the release of responsibility even for a few hours, & my "nurturing" smart assed comments usually ended up solving some deep delimma they had. Because had no investment in the outcome, seeing players motives was much easier.

I had an interesting situation once with a well respected local dom. The board of the local kink club came in for dinner where I was waitressing tables. I understood their desire to be away from other diners so took them for myself. Higher service protocol was used than normal & even the request from the sub in their company to deliver the meals was dealt with a diplomatic "I'm not the one to be begging" which raised a dramatic eyebrow from the ranking dom. Food was brought, sub taught to serve, manager dealt with on "why customers are serving food" & at the end big bear finally speaks with..."So you obviously know WHAT we are, what are the chances you're a single sub that wants to quit this job & work for me?" I laugh & say "Sir you have obviously mistaken WHAT i do for money with WHAT I am in my personal life" the domme at the table starts rolling laughing & begins the "told ya so". The sub is MORTIFIED that he had asked a domme to teach dinner service . Everyone is laughing except big bear & the male sub who bursts into tears.
Sub is brought to heel with a tussle of his hair & question about his availability & a very large tip was my reward for the evenings entertainment.

My point is, the draw of this life is that hobbies, how we make money, kinks, desires & proclivities are so varied. While I am greatful for my alpha, I don't believe that "being sub" should be a requirement to earn standing as a dominant. That being said, I do think it gives a perspective on "what's going on in a subs head" you wouldn't get other ways.

< Message edited by theRose4U -- 1/23/2013 10:57:10 PM >

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Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

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RE: Too Kind? - 1/23/2013 11:09:08 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline 		theRose4U, that story made my day!!

NBMG

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RE: Too Kind? - 1/23/2013 11:29:30 PM   
EsotericLady


Posts: 713
Joined: 1/2/2013
Status: offline 		Hello NBMG!

First off, I'd like to say that I've enjoyed reading many of your posts here! : )

Then I'd like to say that I understand where you are coming from in this thread.
I'm not sure I'd blame the porn industry so much as I would blame the way (some) Dommes come across to submissives both online and in r/t. I've read some extremely confrontational Domme profiles, as well as seen some very b*tchy Drama Queens offline . And from the messages I get, it's something many submissives have come to expect from Dommes.

I haven't been accused of being too nurturing, but I have been accused of treating subs like they were human beings rather than service objects. And my not being into the Female Supremacy idea where females are meant to be the "superior race" seems to surprise a lot of subs.

I don't make excuses or apologies for being different. I simply say that not all Dommes are interested in the same things or looking for the same types of submissives. And if our interests are far apart, I wish the subs the best in their search and move on.


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RE: Too Kind? - 1/23/2013 11:45:49 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: EsotericLady
I haven't been accused of being too nurturing, but I have been accused of treating subs like they were human beings rather than service objects. And my not being into the Female Supremacy idea where females are meant to be the "superior race" seems to surprise a lot of subs.

I don't make excuses or apologies for being different. I simply say that not all Dommes are interested in the same things or looking for the same types of submissives. And if our interests are far apart, I wish the subs the best in their search and move on.

I know what you mean. I'm not a Female Supremacist either. I don't think either gender is inherently superior or inferior. Some male subs seem to be surprised at that. When I was looking, I also had to tell numerous subs that "We aren't a match but good luck in your search."

NBMG


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RE: Too Kind? - 1/24/2013 12:12:40 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Rose, I have to say I really enjoyed the story! As a side note, who exactly do people think is teaching the sub to serve, anyway? If the M of the house can't teach the finer points, they have no one to blame but themselves when they aren't getting the type of service that they want.


quote:

ORIGINAL: EsotericLady
Then I'd like to say that I understand where you are coming from in this thread.
I'm not sure I'd blame the porn industry so much as I would blame the way (some) Dommes come across to submissives both online and in r/t. I've read some extremely confrontational Domme profiles, as well as seen some very b*tchy Drama Queens offline . And from the messages I get, it's something many submissives have come to expect from Dommes.

We may see this differently. Part of it is from the porn industry. Where else does the stereotype come from? I'd even go so far as to say that is what some (uneducated) folks think they are *supposed* to be when they write up a profile. Funny thing about that. Portraying Dommes as the evil bitch is what sells. Go figure. LOL.




_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: Too Kind? - 1/24/2013 12:12:52 AM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		I've heard this as well, and I think LP and absolutChocolate said it best.

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RE: Too Kind? - 1/24/2013 2:22:39 AM   
xLaChienne


Posts: 259
Joined: 11/12/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl
So my question to the other Dommes is, have any of you ever been told you're too nurturing and kind to be a Domme? If so, what did you tell the person?


I believe we have all experienced those that feel the need to tell us how we should be. It wouldn't matter if you were D type, s type, or switch. It wouldn't matter if it was vanilla. I can remember when I was growing up being told that girls should this.. girls should that.. Look this way, act that way. There will always be those that have very narrow and microscopic viewpoints and ideas.

I typically laugh at anyone who feels the need to suggest that I be anything other than I am.

I met a gentleman in Key West a few weeks ago when I was on vacation who just couldn't reconcile the idea that I was laughing like a school girl over a boat that was docked named "Penetration". I even took a picture! It was juvenile and below a serious, strict Domina to have such banal and coarse humor. Which truly just made Me laugh harder. Apparently Dommes are not allowed to have a sense of humor, either. ;)

In My world, dominant means that I am a guide, an instructor, a teacher, a disciplinarian, the provider, the moral compass, the nurturer, the comforter, the voice of reason, the protector, the rule maker, the lover, and the final authority. I set the bar and then consistently raise it higher. The people in My life are inspired to continuously strive for more. Nothing less than excellence is acceptable and the process is never finished. My energy is feminine, it is strong, and I am very, very comfortable with that.

Define what it means in your world and let that be all that matters.



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RE: Too Kind? - 1/24/2013 5:55:34 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Being a Domme means you want to be in control. If you use that control to snarl at and belittle others, cool. If you use it to train others, cool. If you use it to be nurturing, cool.

You're the Domme. It's your call.

_____________________________

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Too Kind? - 1/24/2013 6:39:33 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Being a Domme means you want to be in control. If you use that control to snarl at and belittle others, cool. If you use it to train others, cool. If you use it to be nurturing, cool.

You're the Domme. It's your call.



Seconded.

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RE: Too Kind? - 1/24/2013 6:45:13 AM   
absolutchocolat


Posts: 1392
Status: offline 		Rose, you always know just what to say.

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RE: Too Kind? - 1/24/2013 8:23:15 AM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Being a Domme means you want to be in control. If you use that control to snarl at and belittle others, cool. If you use it to train others, cool. If you use it to be nurturing, cool.

You're the Domme. It's your call.



Seconded.

I totally agree with you guys.

NBMG

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RE: Too Kind? - 1/24/2013 10:45:13 AM   
CynthiaWVirginia


Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline
quote:

So my question to the other Dommes is, have any of you ever been told you're too nurturing and kind to be a Domme? If so, what did you tell the person?


Yes, I've been told that. My first reaction is to laugh out loud. (I cannot help it, it's just so funny. )

It's been a while though, and only people online said this to me. Nobody who has met me in person at a munch, play party, or MAsT meeting. My personality doesn't change just because I'm online or around fellow kinksters, it's not like I'm being nice and nurturing online and then showing up in cold b*tch mode for r/t, lol.

Most of the Dominants I know in r/t, males and females, are kind and nurturing. Most of them already own someone though, complete with all the difficulties that come up when someone is doing this 24/7. (Health issues, teenagers living at home, elderly parents who are disabled and need help/attention, money problems and mortgages and unexpected expenses...)

I am who I am. If someone who is not mine cannot accept this...that's more their problem than mine. (If they walked around thinking the world was flat I doubt our solar system would care.)

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RE: Too Kind? - 1/24/2013 11:04:14 AM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CynthiaWVirginia
I am who I am. If someone who is not mine cannot accept this...that's more their problem than mine.

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. She has this issue of stereotyping people and it's her issue, not mine. I was just curious if anyone else had heard that line.

NBMG

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RE: Too Kind? - 1/24/2013 11:12:17 AM   
SnowRanger


Posts: 503
Joined: 5/25/2008
From: Sinsinnati
Status: offline 		Hello A/all,

The issue of sterotypes has already been adressed far beyond my poor power to add anything. I think that your friend may also be a bit confused about the tools, trappings and techniques of D/s. This is not ABOUT leather, whips or bitchy behavior.

I have, more often, felt that exqusite "warm fuzzy heart and ice chilled spine" from a gentle carress or fingers through my hair rather than from the riding crop.

As for nuturing... I have NEVER had an experience with a Domme that was not so in some way or another. I have never had a relationship with a Domme that did not want to help me be the best me that I can be. We may have disagreed with what that best me is; but, I have never doubted any ones good intentions or best wishes.

I say carry on NBMG!

Respectfully,
Mike
SnowRanger

< Message edited by SnowRanger -- 1/24/2013 11:15:06 AM >

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RE: Too Kind? - 1/24/2013 8:30:04 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl

Okay, I wasn't sure if I should even start this thread, but here goes. Most people that "know" me online here know that I started out as a sub, went switch, and I've left switch behind and now I'm a Domme, and I'm happy this way.

So the other day, this really good friend of mine who's a sub said "You're not a Domme, you're a switch. You're too nurturing to be a Domme. Look how you entertain and take care of people at your apartment." I told her that Dommes can be nurturing too and there's no rule that says Dommes can't be nice to people in both their vanilla and kink lives.

I guess the generalizations and misconceptions just bother me but I shouldn't let them. I just don't understand why some people think Dommes can't be nurturing and kind, unless maybe it's the porn industry that portrays us as cold-hearted bitches. Also, there's a whole category of male Doms called "Daddies" that are expected to be nurturing, so it's obvious that Dominants can be.

So my question to the other Dommes is, have any of you ever been told you're too nurturing and kind to be a Domme? If so, what did you tell the person?

NBMG


Uh oh! Are you going to tell us you don't wear black leather corsets, 9 inch, thigh high heels, carry a whip all the time and constantly tell men what worthless, weak, pathetic worms we are? If so, obviously your friend was right. You can't possibly be a REAL domme if you don't dress, walk, talk and behave just like the dommes in my fantasies do.

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