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NuevaVida -> RE: Grey area of rape (1/25/2013 9:06:52 AM)
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ORIGINAL: TAFKAA
Actually I think the society has a lot to do with it. I live in New Zealand and I'm Australian by birth. New Zealand is a country where the women have to ask the men out because the men don't have the balls to do it themselves. A generalisation of course, but it's backed up by the experiences of other foreigners.
I have an Irish friend who spent a couple of years here and wondered what was wrong with her because she wasn't getting asked out. She went back to the UK for a conference and was hit on 3 times in half an hour. She concluded it was just New Zealand.
I can understand it might be a society/cultural difference, which is why we are seeing different things.
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Guys are more assertive in Oz but the tendency to leer seems nowhere near as universal as that article recounts. And in the USA, the constant male attention is why so many women develop the bitch shield.
I used to not understand the bitch shield. In the last few years, I've come to understand it. Sure it can be flattering to receive attention, but truth be told, I went from receiving NO attention to receiving an abundance of attention, and I didn't know what to do with it. This attention went beyond men trying to strike up conversation. It became men opening the door for me and running their hand along my waist and/or back as I passed. It became, in one case, a man who approached me when I was with a group of men and women friends at a bar, and actually kissing me - his mouth up against my lips faster than I could comprehend what was happening. It became a man at work making gestures at me, to where I had to file a complaint. It became anonymous gifts/notes/flowers left on my desk and on the windshield of my car.
It seriously became beyond annoying, and actually started feeling threatening. I never wanted to be one of those women who have that "Get the hell away - do not approach" look on their faces around men, but I realized that was the only way to decrease some of the behaviors I was experiencing from men.
To one man, approaching a woman to say hello at a pizza joint may be very well intentioned and innocent, but to that woman it could very well be her last straw of the day, much to the unfair disadvantage of that man.
And, should something actually happen to that woman (sexual assault of some sort), the first thing people ask is, "What was she wearing?" or "Was it at night? Was she alone?" In other words, her BLAME is the first thing that's considered.
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No, those guys are trying to start a conversation with a woman. Which isn't exactly Hell on Earth, it's men pursuing women as they have done for millenia. And generally women can handle that with an arched eyebrow and a withering look.
Agreed, but see above. By the end of the day, those arched eyebrows are going to shoot daggars, because it's just tiring.
On the other hand, there are men who stand out, for whatever reason. Their own charm may well give him the advantage, and the woman will forget all the other men who came to annoy her throughout the day.
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No, but most violence is perpetrated against men, not women. Men are assaulted far more than women are and are far more likely to be murdered.
True, although I wonder how much of that is gang-related.
However, we're talking about rape here, and why women might walk around being aware and alert of things men do not consider. Rape tends to be random or arbitrary. I don't think 20% of men are randomly assaulted, as in, walking to their car at night and attacked out of the blue.
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So yes, women have a much higher risk, and live knowing that risk. No, you don't. You have a higher risk for rape and a much lower risk overall.
Your reply took my quote out of context. When I said women have a much higher risk I was talking about rape and sexual assault, which was the topic of this conversation, and which you apparently agree with.
The problem here is that women who get raped often experience the additional traumas of being blamed - particularly if it's someone they know. It's why I wasn't going to dare disrupt my job and my marriage by reporting the Vice President who didn't comprehend "No. Stop. Don't do this." Unfortunately, in a he-said-she-said situation, there's no way to prove a rape occurred, and even more unfortunately, there ARE ill-intended women who falsely accuse, which is deplorable.
So, back to the OP, if a woman does NOT say no, and simply has "next day regret", she should spend more time understanding her own accountability and less (or no) time pointing fingers.
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