AthenaSurrenders
Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
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Hi Jess!
I sort of know the feeling you are talking about. I don't know how long you've been doing this D/s thing, but when it was new to me I was all over the place with my emotions. I craved things which the sensible half of my brain knew were too extreme for me at the time. I thought about it constantly. I set up big expectations for myself at which I failed, miserably.
Sub frenzy is very common - common enough to have a name. So don't feel bad about yourself for going through this (you look ever so sad in your profile picture!). The important thing is that you know it is happening so you can keep watch on yourself. I found it helpful to use a time-out system. Whenever I found myself getting over stimulated, or my mind racing, or getting emotional about it, I would take myself to a quiet room or draw a bath and spend some time taking deep breaths and giving myself a little speech about being realistic. I would tell myself 'This is only one moment in my life. We have the rest of our lives together to work on this. There is no need to rush. I am still learning, I do not have to master everything from day one to be a good sub'. You could try whatever works for you. Sometimes he would remind me to go and do this, since it's sometimes hard to recognize in yourself when you need a time out. We still use this technique, only now it's something I use to deal with negative thoughts and anxiety.
So it's ok to feel it, just as long as you can find a method of keeping yourself under control so you don't do anything stupid as a result.
You might also find it helps to write erotic stories, or paint, or something to get your fantasies out so you can examine them and explore them in a different way.
You have an unusual set up in that you have a real-time Master and also online play with other doms. I would suggest trying not to go online when you are feeling like this. The unreal nature of online interactions can feed this feeling and make it harder to stay grounded - since in the online world you never see the other person sick, or lounging in their underpants in front of the tv, and there's never a cane stroke that misses target or an embarrassing noise or any of the other things you get in real life - so it's easier to get lost in the frenzy.
As for husband - just tell him, calmly and not in the bedroom, that you're having some big overwhelming feelings and you need to talk about them. I assume since you picked him as your Master he must be a good guy and will act in your best interests, even if that sometimes means not doing the dark things you are craving.
PS. This is personal so don't feel you have to answer this here: I still get days like this and it tends to happen when I am on my way into a manic phase. I don't know if your disability is along those lines, but it might be worth monitoring if there is a pattern here. It's good to know if this might be a sign of a particular emotional state so you can provide proper self-care.
_____________________________
Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?
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