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marieToo -> RE: Submissive in sexless marriage (6/21/2006 10:01:21 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SusanofO
Someone should really put this group under a micrscope sometimes, and study group behavior on the internet. My opinion: This group will sometimes do just about anything to get a fight going, and keep it going. I'm "not playing" tonight (or any other night). It leads nowhere. It's a colassal waste of time (at least - my time. Do what you want with yours, of course).
I said it once and I will say it again: I have my opinion, and I have no idea where anyone ever got the impression I was seeking anyone's approval for it.
I really don't give a darn what anyone else thinks about it. Perhaps they think I do - if so, they are very mistaken.
I repeat: Think whatever you want. I simply don't care...
Argue that until the cows come home - your choice. I have to get some shut-eye.
- Susan
Susan:
If you are seeking compassion or understanding, you will be hard-put to find it here.
There is nothing wrong with you for feeling that your marriage was sorely lacking. It doesnt make it anyones fault. Your late husband had issues....whether they were physical/mental or whatever. That doesnt make him at fault. And you certainly are not at fault for needing the kind of affection that he couldnt give you. My guess is that it was something inside of him, and not something that you were doing wrong. I understand internalizing it and second guessing yourself. Ive done that in my Ds relationships in the past. When they ended I always blamed myself or thought about what I shouldve done differently. God, that is so common and so normal. Especially in your case, because he's not here to bounce this off of. You may never have your closure, but you need to give it to yourself anyway. You dont need to shoulder "blame". I abhor that word, I always have. No one is to blame. We do the best we can. Sometimes its enough, other times its not. Sometimes we cant change ourselves, or the other person. Is there blame to place for that? Of course not. Try not to take it personally or be angry with your husband. Just think of what he may have been feeling. God only knows what was going on inside of him. Maybe you never knew and never will. But surely it mustve been hurting him in some way as well, just as it was hurting you, but in a *different* way. There is nothing wrong with expecting sex, communication, honesty, dinner on the table, love, affection etc etc from each other in a marriage. But sometimes one or the other just cant swing it for whatever reason. Stop beating yourself up, and blaming yourself. No matter what you say here, you are deep down blaming yourself and youre here because you want someone to tell you that it *isnt* your fault. Well, its not. Its no one's fault. Shit happens, human beings make mistakes, have issues, have discomforts, have physical problems etc. Try to go on with your life. The longer you hold onto this, the longer you stay on the stationary bike. Its so easy to sit here and dole out advice, because Im not in your shoes. But you really are going to have to let it go and only you have the power to make that happen. And the worst thing for you to do, is to absorb all the negative energy on these boards. I would strongly recommend talking personally to a friend and keeping it out of this forum. They will only make it harder on you. Best wishes to you. This too shall pass.
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