RE: Submissive in sexless marriage (Full Version)

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KnightofMists -> RE: Submissive in sexless marriage (6/22/2006 9:03:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: incognitobynight

, I guess that is progress. 


With progess comes Hope.  With Hope comes the ability to succeed and make ones life better.  However, None of that is possible unless one takes responsibility for ones' choices and takes a course of action to have progress.

I wish the best on your progress forward.



MrDiscipline44 -> RE: Submissive in sexless marriage (6/22/2006 9:05:18 AM)

<hands RS a sticker> Here you go. I've been given this sticker more then enough times because I don't coddle the baby that cries the loudest.



Reflectivesoul -> RE: Submissive in sexless marriage (6/22/2006 9:06:28 AM)

incognito,
 
Please let me reiterate again that my posts are NOT directed at you. You have been upfront about accepting your actions and your feelings. Please, please, please, do not feel like I am saying that you have not.
 
I have yet to see a post from you trying to lay blame upon someone else. You see your situation as it is happening and you are making an honest effort to try and find a way to be ok with leaving it. I respect that. I have not seen any of the animosity from you so please again please do not feel as if my posts are directed at you, because they surely are not.
 



Reflectivesoul -> RE: Submissive in sexless marriage (6/22/2006 9:08:01 AM)

Hey D,
 
You gonna stick that sticker on me? *WEG*
 
 



mistoferin -> RE: Submissive in sexless marriage (6/22/2006 9:10:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

<hands RS a sticker> Here you go. I've been given this sticker more then enough times because I don't coddle the baby that cries the loudest.


Where's mine???? I've got T-shirts if anyone's interested.



MrDiscipline44 -> RE: Submissive in sexless marriage (6/22/2006 9:11:55 AM)

LOL, well where do you want that sticker stuck, sweetheart?



Reflectivesoul -> RE: Submissive in sexless marriage (6/22/2006 9:12:20 AM)

erin,
 
I want a T-shirt, but it has to be the most obnoxious shade of neon green/yellow that you can possibly find *grins*
 
Oh you have mail too btw...



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Submissive in sexless marriage (6/22/2006 9:12:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
Where's mine???? I've got T-shirts if anyone's interested.

Only wimps and fakers don't coddle to get rewards and recognition!

I'm a TRUE non-coddler, I do it just because it's the natural part within me.



MrDiscipline44 -> RE: Submissive in sexless marriage (6/22/2006 9:13:41 AM)

Ohhh, t-shirts. Coooool. Though I the cool kids are going to make fun of us if we all start dressing alike.



Reflectivesoul -> RE: Submissive in sexless marriage (6/22/2006 9:14:17 AM)

D Babes,
 
You can stick it anywhere ya like, heh...[:D]



Reflectivesoul -> RE: Submissive in sexless marriage (6/22/2006 9:15:38 AM)

LA..... its sarcasm.... laugh, ya know... ha ha ha? [8D]
 
Thanks again for the heads up too....



MrDiscipline44 -> RE: Submissive in sexless marriage (6/22/2006 9:16:42 AM)

Uh-huh, I'll hold you to that, you know. LOL



Reflectivesoul -> RE: Submissive in sexless marriage (6/22/2006 9:19:41 AM)

oooooooo now its graduated to holding and sticking? heh woo hoo lol *laughs*



MrDiscipline44 -> RE: Submissive in sexless marriage (6/22/2006 9:29:41 AM)

Ya know what. I just realized that these are lick'n stick stickers. I'm going to have to make that spot wet to apply it. hehehe Now don't struggle too much.



thetammyjo -> RE: Submissive in sexless marriage (6/22/2006 9:30:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Reflectivesoul

TammyJo,

I never said that the relationship couldnt be open, I never said that the partner couldnt foot the bill for toys, as a matter of fact I did say that this is what toys are made for.

I also never said that no one else has an influence on parts of our lives, what I did say is that how we choose to deal with that influence is our problem not theirs.


You said no one else can make you feel things -- feeling something and doing something are very different things. Hopefully as adults we can learn to assess situations and cope with our feelings make wise decisions about what to do.

That initial feeling though comes from your gut, your heart and you past experiences in reaction to what is happening right now. Unless you live like a hermit that means other people and the things around you are having an impact on your emotions.

In fact, abusers, really skilled abusers, know this, know how much we don't want to think we are out of control and will purposely say and do things to get us to feel certain ways then turn around and claim "its your own fault for feeling that way."

I am not saying that anyone in this thread is an abuser. I am pointing out that this idea to place all the responsibility on one person is very common for abusers to do. It is how they manage to continue the abuse especially when its another adult.

I've been refering to the OP's situation where it was clearly stated that she tried talking, tried couple's therapy and all she got back was that it wasn't his problem, he wouldn't try, he didn't want to change, but he still said loved her. He is denying any role in what is happening in their marriage yet attempting to convince her to continue with things as they are.

Is she responsible for getting herself help and learning to make better choices? Of course but she had to get to that place where she realized she needed to take a first step. He isn't willing to take any step that I could see.

It might be easy for someone who has worked out similar issues or who has never had to address these issues to say "Just leave" but that decision may be complicated by things we don't understand because we aren't them.

But to excuse either parties' role in what has and is happening is unrealistic at best and encouraging the continued negative behavior of at least one person at worse.



incognitobynight -> RE: Submissive in sexless marriage (6/22/2006 9:31:44 AM)

ReflectiveSoul,

Thank you for the clarification. I think I know you had not directed your comments at me.  I guess I just wish that we could have this discussion without having to re-hash some of the discomfort from last night.  I know some feelings got bruised (and I admit, I did a little bruising of my own towards LA in the beginning which I regret, and I also confess my feelings got a little bruised as well).  Sometimes, "the message" gets lost in the words.  Do you know what I mean?  ABSOLUTELY everything you say about taking responsibility for our own lives is true.  But there are trigger words that can seem more critical than intended and can cause a person to not see the bigger message.  Oooooh a few of those words might be "blame" "coddling" or sarcastic phrases like "poor baby let me hug you", claiming they have called themselves a "victim".   Most of the words and phrases I have just mentioned (if not all), were spoken first by people from the "tough love" side, and not by the people who these words and phrases were directed at. 

I also read the thread that you refer to in your post and I feel bad for the author because I can see that she was ("allowed herself" if you prefer) hurt and angered by the tone of the posts last night.  I don't think it would have been coddling or enabling or some how have a deleterious effect on her growth as a human being to have allowed the matter to drop altogether, as she had requested several times, even after apologizing, only to be ignored or her efforts to move on rebuffed.  My "big sigh" was that my hope that it had finished was dashed with your long post continuing the trend.  You most certainly are entitled to, and I am sure take full responsibility for, the direction the thread may now go into as a result of your post.  I know I do. 

But, changing the subject for a moment if I may, many posts back you had made mention that no one asked how you made your sexless relationship last for six years (you're so young......what age were you then?).  More important to me and my situation is I would like to know why (if you don't mind sharing) it did not last and did the sexlessness have anything to do with your breakup?  Also, something I personally have a problem with, if you were the one to make the decision to leave, how did you handle that?  How did it make you feel?  How did you handle how it made you feel?



mistoferin -> RE: Submissive in sexless marriage (6/22/2006 9:31:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

Ya know what. I just realized that these are lick'n stick stickers. I'm going to have to make that spot wet to apply it. hehehe Now don't struggle too much.


Lol....well if that don't work you could always stick em on with safety pins or sew em on!!!!



thetammyjo -> RE: Submissive in sexless marriage (6/22/2006 9:34:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

A guy backed into my car this morning (really lol). I got pissed off. He didn't make me angry, I did. This doesn't mean he isn't responsible for his actions, it just means he isn't responsible for mine. I am.

PS - Headlight assembly, driver's side, 1990 Olds Regency. [&:]


I doubt you made yourself angry. I mean, did you take a second and think "Gee how should I react."

No, you just reacted. The person who backed into your contributed to the conditions that fed that reaction. If your car had not been hit, would you have gotten angry?

What you did after experiencing that emotion (getting pissed) is in your control.



Reflectivesoul -> RE: Submissive in sexless marriage (6/22/2006 9:41:08 AM)

TammyJo,
 
Again let me reiterate... my posts were a direct response to someone elses lack of taking responsibility for her own actions. I never said that the husband should not be resonsible for himself. I never said that the husband should not seek advise for his problem. But I sure did say that she has to take responsibility for herself.
 
I love the abusers part too.... abusers (most of them ) can only abuse you if YOU allow it. That is YOU making a conscious choice to allow that person to have an effect on YOUR emotional stability. How you choose to deal with people is your own responsibility, why people have such a problem with this I dont know.
 
As you so pointed out, people base their feelings on their past encounters.
 
That person you are dealing with in the now is not responsible for what is in your past. They are not responsible for how you internalize and deal with something, you are.
 
Saying that someone else can make you feel this or make you react this way or that way is putting your responsibility into the other persons hand. Its also like basically saying I have no control over my own actions and I am not responsible for anything because "he" made me do it and feel this way.
 
I'm truly sorry for people who have that attitude because they lack the obvious skills to be able to control themselves and their situations effectively.



mistoferin -> RE: Submissive in sexless marriage (6/22/2006 9:44:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Reflectivesoul 
Saying that someone else can make you feel this or make you react this way or that way is putting your responsibility into the other persons hand. Its also like basically saying I have no control over my own actions and I am not responsible for anything because "he" made me do it and feel this way.
 
I'm truly sorry for people who have that attitude because they lack the obvious skills to be able to control themselves and their situations effectively.


Thank you.



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