Eac to their own

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missturbation -> Eac to their own (6/20/2006 7:29:43 AM)
This post comes from several threads i have read recently. When it comes to other peoples kinks / fetishes why are so many of us so intolerant / judgemental / not understanding of them? Should it not be each to their own without the above reactions?

juliaoceania -> RE: Eac to their own (6/20/2006 7:34:57 AM)
I try to think this way. There are many kinks I do not understand, but that's ok. I have noticed this also, or people that judge other's orientations and try to define others. It is partially human nature.

missturbation -> RE: Eac to their own (6/20/2006 7:39:23 AM)
Of course everyone is entitled to their opinion on anothers kinks etc but i just feel that sometimes in here no respect is shown when stating an opinion of others. I agree totally that sometimes reactions are from the gut and of course human nature.

crouchingtigress -> RE: Eac to their own (6/20/2006 7:40:32 AM)
[:)] yeah I try...but some times i get caught up in judgements: like that guy that needs to shit in womens handbags, but i try to catch myself and work through it. I look at my reaction of disgust as a tell-tale barameter for me, and i try to learn more about myself and what makes me think this or that....

mnottertail -> RE: Eac to their own (6/20/2006 7:42:38 AM)
Shit in woman's handbags? Doesn't that mess up the little magnetic stripe on the credit cards?

mstrjx -> RE: Eac to their own (6/20/2006 7:46:50 AM)
This way of thinking goes back a long time, from what I have seen. I used to read the old 'Bondage Life' magazine that used to come out in the 80's and 90's, and it always amazed me that people who defined so closely with one kink under the big umbrella were so adamantly opposed to people who played with pain. I identified more with bondage early on than D/s and SM, but have long since caught up. But when I would read letters from people who were strongly opposed to others, it disturbed me greatly. The first large pan-sexual/pan-interest play party I went to I saw (and met) an adult baby, which I could not relate to at all. I suppose that would have been an opportunity to be uncomfortable with someone I couldn't understand, but instead I felt that I should applaud anyone who is so in touch with themselves that they can go their own way, with minimal disturbance from the rest of the rabble. There might be some types of people or activities that are beyond my perview, but as we're all consenting adults, why not?

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Eac to their own (6/20/2006 7:48:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: missturbation When it comes to other peoples kinks / fetishes why are so many of us so intolerant / judgemental / not understanding of them? Intolerance usually comes from a bad past, a feeling of alienness, or some inner insecurity. Judgemental however is perfectly fine. Making good judgements is an important and vital skill. My spiel on making judgements: 1) Make judgements after getting as much information from as many perspectives as possible 2) Never expect anyone else to ever share your judgement 3) Always be open to changing your judgement given the introduction of new information Finally, there's no reason we should expect anyone to UNDERSTAND every kink. You don't have to understand something in order to respect it, or respect other people's choices to do it. I realize that most people can't figure that basic idea out, kinky and vanilla, but it's true. The funny thing is that we get so upset at vanillas not understanding/not accepting, and then we do the same thing. quote: Should it not be each to their own without the above reactions? Yes/no. I think certain actions are wrong- for everyone. That doesn't mean I think someone is a bad person for doing a certain action. Nor will I take away a persons ability to make that action. It also doesn't mean I don't keep gaining information on the topic and allow myself the opportunity to change my mind on how I feel about that action.

juliaoceania -> RE: Eac to their own (6/20/2006 7:49:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress [:)] yeah I try...but some times i get caught up in judgements: like that guy that needs to shit in womens handbags, but i try to catch myself and work through it. I look at my reaction of disgust as a tell-tale barameter for me, and i try to learn more about myself and what makes me think this or that.... When I was a teenager I had a neighbor that worked at the local grocery store which was in a tourist town. He told me this story I shall never forget, he said this guy was watching female shoppers and rubbing himself covertly, and then he grabbed a loaf of bread and came inside of it after he opened his fly. The security people caught him doing this and they caught it on camera. They made him pay for the bread and told him never to come back... your story just made me think of that... and yes you will never look at bread the same way again.

gooddogbenji -> RE: Eac to their own (6/20/2006 7:54:41 AM)
I think this "lifestyle" has a general double standard. Some kinks, like leather, are entirely accepted. Some, like scat, are on the fringe, accepted by some, shunned by others, and many say "go for it, just nowhere near me and be safe about it." A third group, which are generally illegal, are almost entirely shunned, including being against TOS here, for good reason. I have heard many times peaople saying they tolerate anything as long as it's legal. However, much of WIITWD is illegal, or at least borderline, in many jurisdictions. My opinion is, and it is quite an extreme one, but if you do it and can sleep at night knowing you do it, who the hell am I to tell you it's wrong? Laws, rules, TOS are all necessary to maintain order, but they don't decide what's right and wrong, only allowed and not allowed, and the consequences of breaking the law/rule/TOS. Simply because I am not into it, and society shuns it does not make it "wrong," "immoral," or "bad." Otherwise, most of BDSM would fall into that category. We all get up in arms when someone decides to judge us for our sexual/lifestyle preferences, so why judge anyone else by theirs? Gets off soapbox, grabs 8 ball in one hand, texas mickey of rye in other, throws hooker over shoulder, and has Nazi transvestite midget sex slave round up the sheep at the Motel room Yours, benji

missturbation -> RE: Eac to their own (6/20/2006 7:58:56 AM)
Lucky albatross - I was meaning judgement before getting the facts, sorry i did not make that very clear. I actually changed my opinion on judgement after another post you made in another thread about it and agree judgement can be a good thing. I think though that the level of respect we show for others when we judge them sometimes can be a little low in here. With understanding again i dont think i clarified very well i meant whether u understand their kink or not we should try to understand it is their kink and respect it.

lisa1978 -> RE: Eac to their own (6/20/2006 8:02:35 AM)
You are dealing with basic human nature elements. -We want to be accepted for who we are. -We search out like minded people and other like minded people who do things that we hate or do not understand freaks us out. -We fear what we do not understand. -We think of ourselves as smarter and better than strangers. -We let personal feelings, issues and experiences filter our beliefs and judgements. -We are just not naturally tolerant and open minded creatures. Combine these things with people writing based on their moods, passion on the topic and many times poor word choices then things come out a lot less tolerant than we really mean them to be and flaming happens. Most of us hear are probably well above average on being open minded and non judgemental compared to the population as a whole, but we still all have are issues. A lot of times I see this in threads I see a couple of things. One, I do not do that, so I will put it down in a way to make me feel better or just a poor choice of words written too quickly. Then along with similar others from both view points, wackiness ensues.

enthralled -> RE: Eac to their own (6/20/2006 8:07:41 AM)
Sometimes, its hard to tell in this venue what meaning is actually intended by the writer.... sore spots, misunderstandings, and emotions all equate to a recipe for heated discussion. If someone doesnt agree with a person's opinion to a post or reply, can it be conceived that the same judgemental and intolerant behavior comes out when others tell that person they are wrong for thier opinion? .... just a thought, respect goes both ways. Your kink doesnt have to be mine but sometimes I'd like to understand it in case I'm ever asked about it and some take this as me being intolerant .... education helps to breed understanding [:D] ~enthralled

APerfectParadox -> RE: Eac to their own (6/20/2006 8:41:02 AM)
An open mind is a good thing. I am new enough to this lifestyle that I remember a time not too many years ago when I didn't get how people found most of the things I am into today erotic. As i continue to learn and experiment i am constantly reminded how much I would have missed out on if I had not kept an open mind when my ex-bf came to me and told me he was a sadist. In the end as it turned out his kink was not my kink but he opened my eyes to a world I had been seeking my whole life with out even knowing it had a name, or that there were others like me. Knowing how important it was to me to find acceptence in this world, I would not deny that same thing to another. If their kink really is something that I cannot identify with or even tolerate in my own life, I try to walk away in silence knowing that there are plenty out there in the vanilla world who would condemn me if they knew about my kink. People who live in glass houses and all that ......

gooddogbenji -> RE: Eac to their own (6/20/2006 8:44:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: APerfectParadox knowing that there are plenty out there in the vanilla world who would condemn me if they knew about my kink. Well said! Yours, benji

Driver1961 -> RE: Eac to their own (6/20/2006 9:10:02 AM)
He enters, dips His lid, 'Nice post Missturbation. Your comment is simply one of the reasons I take breaks from here. Too many 'so called' experienced people make judgements on issues that they should learn more about, or belittle others for their lack of knowledge. Some even appear to simply get their kicks by making newbies feel uncomfortable to the point of leaving. What is wrong in asking a poster to clarify their post rather than attack them for their lack of skill in explaining themselves. The end result is the attacked person feels unaccepted by the 'Lifestyle' Community they enthusiastically wish to be accepted into. Sadly some 'Lifestylers' mirror the same anally retentives that I politely dismiss in real-time. It all makes for a tiresome and wasteful time reading many of the repetitive posts. Give it another three months, month or maybe days and someone will start another related thread to yours. It simply shows how many consider 'assertiveness' to be an excuse for bad manners, (Dom/sub alike) and question why you complain. This site would be an excellent community if all the people that have 'left' the boards had remained and the smaller percentage of trouble makers had been hounded off by the remaining 'cohesive' community. Ah, Utopia. The place where one is consentually traded for a ground bushel of coffee beans! The place where rather than condemm the trade, one seeks to understand why a person would be happy to be traded! (That's alot more than three beans!) Smiles to all, Regards, Driver1961, Sir to His loving WildChild.

meatcleaver -> RE: Eac to their own (6/20/2006 9:17:22 AM)
The one thing I find myself intolerant of is online and that is because I got burnt very badly and I wouldn't want anyone else to suffer what I suffered through being naive so I'm pretty outspoken on it. Though I know some people have had the complete opposite experience to me but my feelings are if someone knows how bad things can be they will at least stop and think and if they go ahead and get burnt then they can at least say they were warned.

redpetals -> RE: Eac to their own (6/20/2006 9:28:08 AM)
i agree meatcleaver..however there are some things people simply must learn for themselves.and the on-line heart break of "dead end"is one of them..but its like riding a bike..once learned you dont forget..and some on-line does serve a purpose. i think it would be good for everyone to be a bit more understanding of people who are unable to meet face to face. i feel if it talks like a duck and walks like a duck it could just be a drunk chicken..but what are the chances?.

Driver1961 -> RE: Eac to their own (6/20/2006 9:30:14 AM)
Fair comment Meatcleaver, there's nothing wrong in giving advice but another thing being rude, or illconsidered. It seems man forget manners.

amayos -> RE: Each to their own (6/20/2006 9:30:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: missturbation When it comes to other peoples kinks / fetishes why are so many of us so intolerant / judgmental / not understanding of them? Should it not be each to their own without the above reactions? Ironically enough, I feel I've met more highly judgmental and self-assured braggarts in "the lifestyle" than I have outside of it. This is one of the many reasons why I detest the derogatory use of the "vanilla" label. To address your post directly, yes, we have more than our fair share of so-called values and morals in our little underworld. Unfortunately, so many of these judgments come from ignorance rather than often-claimed enlightenment. Many feel if they read enough books and talk to enough people and gorge themselves on enough polyamory, play parties and nocturnal clubbing they are somehow endowed with a right to judge beyond the scope of their own personal stratum. Many will wield this self-appointed right with such surety, failing to remember that knowledge is limited to human experience, and we cannot possibly collect all variables of human experience into one mind with a world population so great. Albert Einstein once said that imagination is more important than knowledge, and I do agree. I personally prefer the appreciation for what is possible or what is curious about our reality, rather than a litany of opinion about what is right and what is wrong and what is moral or not, as if we are caught up in some cosmic game of point keeping. Another relevant Einstein pearl, considering the discussion at hand: "Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions."

CrescentLuna -> RE: Eac to their own (6/20/2006 9:47:58 AM)
We are human beings, endowed with the ability to discern right, wrong, and to reason through morally grey areas. If I come across a thread that I simply "don't get" I tend not to comment. If I see something that I worry is "harmful" beyond the known risks the person has taken, I will intervene - whether to question them further to see they've understood that risk or yes, even judge their kink as "unsafe" and inform them why. I will try to do so in a respectful manner. There are other things that I cannot simply brush off as "your kink is not my kink" and let go. As noted, several of them are illegal. There are good laws and there are bad laws, and I hope people are fighting to get rid of the bads ones rather than broadly trying to get rid of all of them under the ideal of "we have no right to judge."

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