JustDragonflies
Posts: 50
Joined: 3/30/2012
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quote:
ORIGINAL: breagha
haha i feel as though i have written my own mini novel. my main concern with this situation is how it might reflect upon him. he is a good man. and he and i work very well together. i live in a very small town. the community is very closely knit. i've known almost everyone here since my birth. and i wouldn't change that for anything in the world. BUT... people talk here. the rumor mill is running 24/7. i would hope that the conversation(s) that i have with my friends would stay between the three of us. there is no certainty of that though... especially if they have genuine concern for my well being. what starts out as "i'm concerned that her man is being abusive because he controls her" could turn into " i'm concerned for her life because this guy probably beats the crap out of her all day long" just by twisting of words. i feel as though i shouldn't have said anything at all, not because of the effect on my friendships but because i want people to see how good he really is to me and my daughter. and that we are happy. and i fear i may have planted the seed that sprouts thorns instead of flowers and people's outlook on him will always be negative because of it. i don't like hiding things from my "besties" though and i thought they could handle it. Perhaps i didn't word it correctly. i tried to choose my words carefully so it was maybe less of a shock. i apparently chose wrongly though.
as Aries said though... the bomb has been dropped. i'm now assigned to cleaning up the fall out. wish me luck. and thank you so much again for all of the insight. it really has helped a lot. yet another reason that i love "this side" of the site.
I'm glad you found my thoughts helpful. :) I'm also glad to get the back story. (Although it doesn't really change my stance on how the one friend reacted by holding her friendship hostage... if you were being abused in reality, it would further isolate you!)
Regarding how it reflects on him........... Maybe it would be helpful to tell them that regardless of his existence, you would enjoy this kind of power exchange but that you deliberately chose him to have a relationship with because of his attributes of a good man, someone who respects you and treats you with dignity.
For the record, I don't think you necessarily did anything wrong or said anything wrong, you just assumed they would be more open and accepting than they were. I imagine that a couple more conversations to address their reasonable worries will get you to the place you wanted to be with them.
The book someone mentioned will help. If you can afford to, buy a copy and let them share it!
In the mean time, here are some blogs, essays and etc which will help them. It will also help them to read about intelligent, educated, thoughtful people viewing BDSM in an open, serious light, I suspect.
For what it's worth, I had the same sorts of issues and reservations that you're dealing with when I openly started to share my life choices with my loved ones. I'd been abused. And I lived in a small town and had a very close knit group of friends and family. :) I find it easier and less stressful now than I did then, so take heart!
This link discusses the "lifestyle" as actually helping prevent abuse with it's focus on consent, safe words and etc. It also goes into the differences between abuse and S&M or D/s.
http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2009/04/30/evidence-that-the-bdsm-community-does-not-enable-abuse/
This link addresses the mixed feelings one has after being abused and engaging in BDSM activities and goes into, lightly, how there is more to the non-abuse factor than "merely" consent. I particularly like that she(?) points out that the tone of what is happening is very different from abuse, even if it might APPEAR to be the same acts. The tone being one of love, joy and playfulness, and for me: intimacy.
http://beyondthehills.wordpress.com/2009/12/18/the-difference-between-bdsm-and-abuse-is-not-just-consent/
This link goes into a great deal of very intelligent and insightful dialog about the differences in BDSM. It really spells out the differences in the tone, and actions. If, among ANY thing to share with them, this has got to be one of the most valid resources, especially for those who are feminist.
http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/08/03/thinking-more-clearly-about-bdsm-versus-abuse/
A lighthearted myth busting on BDSM:
http://bitchmagazine.org/post/thinking-kink-myths-BDSM-feminist-magazine-sex-bondage
Here is a link from Pandys.org about how to recognize abuse within D/s. It might help your friends to know that we do acknowledge in the Support Group "community" that BDSM is NOT abuse, but it can become abuse and how to address it. We're not ignoring the concerns or issues.
http://www.pandys.org/articles/bdsmdomesticviolence.html
I hope these links are helpful. :)
I'd also like to share some personal thoughts on the notion that it's degrading to be submissive to a man. I am not a sub, for the record. I'm a Dom. But... Regardless of "which side of the whip" I'd like to be one... My vagina should not be a dictator on what is and isn't appropriate for me to do. My will, happiness and fulfillment ought to be what decides what I can and can't do. The double standard that seems to exist in the vanilla world about the degradation of female submission is in total opposition to genuinely feminist philosophies. Feminism is to promote equality between the genders. Not hold one above the other. When that happens it is female superiority. And I, personally, won't stand for it. If being submissive is what satisfies me, it's an injustice to deny me that as a woman or a man. Every human deserves to pursue what makes them happy and fulfilled so long as it doesn't suppress or harm another's similar right. You being strong enough to follow your joy makes you a worthwhile role model to other women, regardless of their stance on power exchange. When someone attempts to force us to follow their rules on what's appropriate for a woman to do, it's the same thing as patriarchal sexist notions, just in a different direction.
Furthermore, and I'm really getting soap-boxy now, forgive me, ;) ... the idea that 50's housewifery is degrading to women is only relevant if that is ALL that a woman is allowed to do. It's 2013. We all have a choice. You have a choice. No one is making you do anything. That's awesome for women. You can choose to be, essentially, whatever you want. Your choice does NOT affect the availability of other women's freedom. You submitting doesn't set up a situation for other women to be forced to submit. We're all in charge of utilizing the resources we have presented to us. Nothing that you're doing infringes on the rights of others. And one or a million women's actions alone won't take away these rights or progress. There's a lot more of us who are accountable for insisting and demanding that we have rights and freedom. Your freedom to submit is a reflection of women's liberation, not a threat to it!!! Not that I'm suggesting anything, but I'd be delighted to discuss this with your friends, given that I've been a women's rights activist for the last 15 years and am a "female dominant" myself!
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RE: slightly insulted... - 
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