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RE: slightly insulted... - 2/13/2013 12:46:22 AM   
JustDragonflies


Posts: 50
Joined: 3/30/2012
Status: offline 		breagha,

You are very welcome. I think it makes sense that you want to be more cautious on how you refer to your relationship but I hope that you still find a way to be open with some of the important individuals in your life, especially as your relationship stands the tests of time. I know what you mean about friends we grow up with and the expectations that entails. I really do suspect that a couple more conversations with the people who already know about this (whomever you choose to talk more to) will smooth out quite a bit. I suspect that most of them were reacting out of protective instincts for you rather than anything intentionally judgmental. Just my speculation. :)

I wholly understand what you mean about the "kinky sex" explanation. I hate that it diminishes how intimate and loving what it is that I do really is, and so I tried to find ways to share that. You might find a way that you feel comfortable with too.

If you remember and feel up to it, keep us posted on how that evolves for you. The way I now talk about what I do wasn't how I started. I learned and learned and learned. Then I learned some more.

For what it's worth, someone messaged me on the other side and mentioned how this thread you started positively impacted their life and thoughts.... I thought you might take some joy from knowing that your experiences and the dialog that resulted brought about something positive!

(in reply to breagha)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: slightly insulted... - 2/13/2013 2:19:47 AM   
lior4


Posts: 13
Joined: 1/28/2013
Status: offline 		i only have limited experience in BSDM since i'm new. but thinking back about it, i always were a submissive with my ex and of course people (usually feminist) sees me as "a person they need to be saved".in my personal point of view, being a submissive doesn't mean i degrade myself. I will be fully devoted to my Dom and handed over my trust 100% to him because i want it that way. But that doesn't mean i cannot take care and stand up for myself when i needed to, considering that he can't be always around 24/7. Also doesn't mean that i will allow just anyone to step on my dignity as human, more than i let them.
Does that sound like a weakling?

I myself don't think it's against feminism to be a submissive/slave because it's my own choice and i have the right to choose my master as well as the right of my master to choose me.

so basically, if you like it, both you and your dom/master are mature and responsible with the option taken, then why bother with what people - who doesn't even have enough knowledge more than what they want to know, think?

just hold your ground and keep doing what you want to do.
it's not like you'll live forever ;)
if they really are true friends, eventually they will learn about it before judging you and respect your choice :)

good luck

< Message edited by lior4 -- 2/13/2013 2:27:33 AM >

(in reply to JustDragonflies)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: slightly insulted... - 2/13/2013 8:42:35 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss
Today's attitude, especially towards women, is "you can be or do whatever you choose....as long as it is the correct choice".
It's funny because my initial thought was exactly that.

quote:

The people who scream the loudest about equal rights, treating women respectfully, allowing a woman to decide what is right for HER are often the ones who are ready to crucify the woman who chooses to do or like any type of traditional female role.
Except for stay at home mothers, they get treated as a cross between martyrs and saints. I couldn't believe the vilification that some of the mothers that continued working received.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 2/13/2013 8:43:37 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: slightly insulted... - 2/13/2013 9:33:01 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I was actually crucified when I decided to stay at home with my daughter. I was called lazy and taking advantage of taxpayers when in reality it was my own money and not from taxpayers and I stayed at home because my husband had died and I was a wreck. She needed a parent at home with her at the time.

When I decided to go back to work when she was 16, then and only then did people stop talking and making me feel ashamed of taking care of my daughter's mental and emotional needs.

It was a real shocker for me.


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Profile   Post #: 44
RE: slightly insulted... - 2/13/2013 7:28:53 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		I'm sorry they did that to you, but I'm glad that you were able to afford to stay home with her. So often, when a tragedy like that strikes, someone wouldn't be able to stay home, take care of their child (and themselves) to make sure everyone is able to heal.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: slightly insulted... - 2/13/2013 8:37:29 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Exactly and I was glad to be able to do that. I was thankful to be able to have the money at the time to do so and since I had it I felt like I did not want to have to put someone else through the wringer taking care of a 5 year old who had just lost her father and was having emotional and mental issues galore from it.

Plus for the first few years after his death, I can't imagine any employer actually wanting me as an employee lol.



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Profile   Post #: 46
RE: slightly insulted... - 2/14/2013 3:06:34 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Now picture your friend X. Person X has known you for a long time, let's say. Longer than you've known your current master. She is a friend to you. If you asked her for something, she would decide yes or no without checking with someone else. She expects the same in return.


This reminds me of my past relationship. I would say YES right away and my x-master will say NO, cannot go. And then huge fight begins, cuz I wanted to be there for my friend.

And in my x-vanilla marriage, 99.9% of the things, I wouldn't have to check with my x-husband, I always know he'll be 100% okay with whatever decision I make, and it's the same vice versa, because we would have reached the same conclusion all the time anyway. We were really on the same page, he could make decisions for me, and I could make decisions for him and it's always the right decision. The sad bit is, he cannot accept the bdsm side of me, and that's what ruin everything.


< Message edited by Greta75 -- 2/14/2013 3:10:15 AM >

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: slightly insulted... - 2/14/2013 3:13:54 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
I was actually crucified when I decided to stay at home with my daughter. I was called lazy and taking advantage of taxpayers when in reality it was my own money and not from taxpayers and I stayed at home because my husband had died and I was a wreck. She needed a parent at home with her at the time.

Wow, didn't know stay at home moms are so crucified in the US. Where I am, it's everybody's wish to be one, but most people don't have the luxury. But given a choice, they would and people would envy them.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: slightly insulted... - 2/14/2013 3:17:36 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		breagha,
You are quite brave to come out in the open. For me, if ever I was in any d/s relationship again, it would have to remain secret. Nobody in my circle will accept it, and they would have reacted like your friends, thinking I need rescue. Worst of all, don't even want to think about IF my family gets wind of it, police will be called, great freaking drama, my guy would be in danger of being thrown in jail, seriously..., they would think I'm just not thinking right, and need help.

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: slightly insulted... - 2/14/2013 10:04:07 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
I was actually crucified when I decided to stay at home with my daughter. I was called lazy and taking advantage of taxpayers when in reality it was my own money and not from taxpayers and I stayed at home because my husband had died and I was a wreck. She needed a parent at home with her at the time.

Wow, didn't know stay at home moms are so crucified in the US. Where I am, it's everybody's wish to be one, but most people don't have the luxury. But given a choice, they would and people would envy them.




It could be that when this happened to me I was living in a very middle-upper class suburbs where both parents were doctors, lawyers, owned their own corporations, pilots and stewards, commuted to NYC for upper class jobs, etc.....It was seen that if you stayed at home as a mom then you were not pulling your weight and it was actually damaging to your child. Everyone had to fit into this nice little neighborhood. All the homes look the same, everyone dresses the same, everyone owns the same types of high end stuff, etc...so I don't know if it was just the area or if it's like that everywhere. I dunno.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: slightly insulted... - 2/14/2013 10:28:51 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
I was actually crucified when I decided to stay at home with my daughter. I was called lazy and taking advantage of taxpayers when in reality it was my own money and not from taxpayers and I stayed at home because my husband had died and I was a wreck. She needed a parent at home with her at the time.

Wow, didn't know stay at home moms are so crucified in the US. Where I am, it's everybody's wish to be one, but most people don't have the luxury. But given a choice, they would and people would envy them.




It could be that when this happened to me I was living in a very middle-upper class suburbs where both parents were doctors, lawyers, owned their own corporations, pilots and stewards, commuted to NYC for upper class jobs, etc.....It was seen that if you stayed at home as a mom then you were not pulling your weight and it was actually damaging to your child. Everyone had to fit into this nice little neighborhood. All the homes look the same, everyone dresses the same, everyone owns the same types of high end stuff, etc...so I don't know if it was just the area or if it's like that everywhere. I dunno.



My experience has been that most parents feel insecure and find it hard (whether it be hard being with your kids constantly or hard to leave them to go to work) and so they are hyper-critical of others to make themselves feel better. I've seen it about just about every parenting topic - breast or bottle feeding, homeschool/private school/mainstream school, sleeping arrangements, using a dummy, getting vaccinations. Sometimes outright stating someone is a bad parent, other times just defending their own choices so loudly and obnoxiously they make everyone feel bad or irritated.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: slightly insulted... - 2/14/2013 10:37:58 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		Don't be to hard on your friend. She just isn't in the mind space to understand it or maybe doesn't want too.

I. too, thought submitting was a very weak act. Insulting to women or men, and damn straight I was gonna make my opinion known! Heck I still dont understand other submissives reasoning of why they put up with this or that. Why they wanted this or that? I was very closed minded, and still can be, although I try to work on it.

We are taught to be strong, and strong is defined by making all our own decisions, telling people to screw off and getting our own ways etc, pushing through, be demanding, bold etc etc. At least I was. Then I met someone who induced something totally different in me, which i craved, and it hit me like a ton of bricks and boy did i fight it.

She really probably does feel like she is helping you, I would have reacted the same to you a few yrs ago. ANd felt I was being your REAL friend by telling you the truth AS I SAW it. ( I was a little blind btw LOL)

Hopefully she will come back and decide hey if your happy IM happy. If she doesnt she is not concerned over your happiness, just judging how she thinks you should be.

I only have one friend I share this part of me with and I knew she would be probably ok with it, my sister freaked out cause I thought Id share. BIG MISTAKE!!! One friend is great but I cant share it with her cause she cant handle it and I know it!!!! To many preconcieved ideas and to much previous upbringing baggage.

Submission is actually strength. But quite the opposite of how we are taught these days.

Hope your friend returns and accepts you as you are. Good luck.

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: slightly insulted... - 2/14/2013 11:10:18 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
I was actually crucified when I decided to stay at home with my daughter. I was called lazy and taking advantage of taxpayers when in reality it was my own money and not from taxpayers and I stayed at home because my husband had died and I was a wreck. She needed a parent at home with her at the time.

Wow, didn't know stay at home moms are so crucified in the US. Where I am, it's everybody's wish to be one, but most people don't have the luxury. But given a choice, they would and people would envy them.




It could be that when this happened to me I was living in a very middle-upper class suburbs where both parents were doctors, lawyers, owned their own corporations, pilots and stewards, commuted to NYC for upper class jobs, etc.....It was seen that if you stayed at home as a mom then you were not pulling your weight and it was actually damaging to your child. Everyone had to fit into this nice little neighborhood. All the homes look the same, everyone dresses the same, everyone owns the same types of high end stuff, etc...so I don't know if it was just the area or if it's like that everywhere. I dunno.



I think it was more likely a sign of the times. When your daughter was 5, was an era when working women were expected to be bitches in power suits.

Now, being a stay at home mom is considered to be the holy grail, judging by the attitude in the office.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: slightly insulted... - 2/15/2013 6:06:07 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		That's true Oside. I had never really thought of that. But yes, it would have been now that I think about it. I don't wanna be a mom again but staying at home would be nice still.

_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 54
RE: slightly insulted... - 2/17/2013 8:17:41 AM   
Qupqugiak


Posts: 8
Joined: 12/23/2012
Status: offline 		OP, I'm really sorry that you had a hard time. I've 'come out' to all of my friends, but one of the longest and best responded really negatively.He literally told me that ultimately I'll end up pegged and the recipient of scat play, his knowledge based on a Frank Zappa song. He rejects out of hand that it's ever acceptable to take pleasure from dishing out pain. I didn't need him to agree with me, but given that all my play is consensual I let him know that it's not OK to verbally attack me. Ultimately I had to break off the communication to save potential friendship, and hopefully I'll be able to provide an educational example

We can't force our friends or family members to appreciate our choices in the same way that we do, of course. It's absolutely acceptable, however, to be clear that this is our choice to make, to be clear that it's a choice that makes us happy, and to set a well-defined boundary for respectful behavior. I won't accept a friend disrespecting my kink lifestyle anymore than I would accept them attacking a gay couple or a biracial couple.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: slightly insulted... - 2/17/2013 2:25:59 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		to be honest, i have seem subs submitting from a position of weakness - of NEEDING to be cared for.
Those would be the ones that give the rest of us a bad name.

I submit from a position of wanting to - not needing to. and my feminism isn't compromised one bit from submitting. Pity she couldn't see that.

(in reply to Qupqugiak)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: slightly insulted... - 2/17/2013 2:42:07 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

to be honest, i have seem subs submitting from a position of weakness - of NEEDING to be cared for.
Those would be the ones that give the rest of us a bad name.

I submit from a position of wanting to - not needing to. and my feminism isn't compromised one bit from submitting. Pity she couldn't see that.



I've seen this too, in fact it's quite common -- that is, subs submitting from a position of weakness. I have also seen dominants who think being submissive means being weak and needy.

It's the commonly understood stereotype, and we shouldn't forget that.

Many years ago I came out as a dominant, not a switch. At the time, I could not admit I had a submissive side. To me, submissive meant weak, passive, needy, all those stereotypical things that most females do not want to be. This means I denied an important aspect of myself for many years. It wasn't until I had children that I could let that softer side of myself come out and be good with it.

I was a stay at home mother as well, lw, at a time when women with higher education and good jobs just didn't do that. My friends couldn't understand what I was doing all day 'not working.' The virtues of tending to children and taking care of a home were not appreciated. And yet it was one of the most formative times of my life when I made some real changes to who I am as a person.

Personally, I've found being a mother one of the hardest jobs I know.

I've *also* found that very often being submissive comes from a place of great strength and inner acceptance.

But you know, you have to get to the place where you can be okay with who and what you are. This forum is a great place for that, as there are so many who have gotten to that place, and can (maybe) point out some pitfalls.


_____________________________



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Profile   Post #: 57
RE: slightly insulted... - 2/19/2013 6:20:41 PM   
Alic3


Posts: 13
Joined: 2/19/2013
Status: offline 		I'm sorry to hear this. If they can't accept who you truly are, then your 'friends' don't deserve to be in your life.
As of right now, I only have one friend who knows about the type of relationships I am interested in. But, she has no problem with it and does not judge me for it. In fact, after hearing of the experiences I recently have had, she may be interested in trying it out herself.
However, it angers me that you were called weak. You are not weak for letting a man take control of you. I honestly believe that is how a true relationship is supposed to be.

(in reply to breagha)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: slightly insulted... - 2/19/2013 6:31:40 PM   
breagha


Posts: 380
Joined: 7/29/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you again everyone for posting. it has been a while since i read through the posts here.

i would like to say that since my initial post i have spent some time with both the friends that had issue with this. i was hesitant to answer any questions at first because i didn't want the conflict to arise again. i used a lot of the suggestions that were posted here though and i am happy to say that they have a better understanding of my choice of relationships. While they may not agree with it ( and they do not have to ) they seem to be able to at least accept that i am happy. and i was asked to promise them that if it ever "goes wrong" ( abusive ) that i will come to them and i will get out asap. things are not suddenly happy happy joy joy... but they are better than what they were and hopefully will continue to get better.

thank you so much again...

(in reply to Alic3)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: slightly insulted... - 2/20/2013 1:27:27 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		breagha,

I'm so glad you were able to sit down with those friends and have a discussion to help them better understand your lifestyle. I guess when you initially told them, it was such a shock and with your history of an abusive relationship, they probably thought you were making excuses (so common in abused women. I'm also glad they made you promise to get out if things went wrong.

Perhaps now moving forward, when something comes up, they will ask you and be open to listening to you and learning more about what makes you happy.

(in reply to breagha)
Profile   Post #: 60
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