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sane input needed please - 6/20/2006 8:38:38 PM   
madtourist


Posts: 4
Joined: 7/24/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you for reading...
I am in need of guidance and I thought/hope someone out there can understand...

I am so lost right now. I went off on my boyfriend this morning kicking him, hitting him. screaming at him...i went nuts...Now, he tells me he is taking a temporary job in another state. I guess I deserved it.

I went nuts because he is not fulfilling me sexually. I feel it is wrong to feel that way.
I feel I have to beg him for sex and it is drives me crazy. Yes, I am totally lacking in self discipline....

I have such a high sex drive, and this is not to excuse my abusive behavior,
it is a HUGE thing for me to limit sex to three or four times a week and not be able to initiate sex..I feel he is denying, withholding, and the more upset I get the more he pulls away... I used to have some understanding of handling conflict and power...or I thought
I did....

I guess why I'm here and why I'm questioning my sub/dom traits is that I feel
as if this huge core part of my self is not being expressed and satisfied in my life.
Do I just resign myself to a life of quiet desperation? Am I the only woman who would
ideally like to have sex three times a day.... How do I reconcile my sexuality with the rest of me?
-----Karen
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: sane input needed please - 6/20/2006 10:54:21 PM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		Do you identify as a sub or dom?  What is the nature of your relationship?  In either case there needs to be some more self control.  Some frank discussion is warranted to assess where you are and where you are going.  If, however, your needs and/or his are not being met and it has reached a level to where you are losing control you may want to consider cutting your losses and looking for someone who can. 

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to madtourist)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 12:42:31 AM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		get a new bf if he refuses to fufil your basic sexual needs.

(in reply to MsKatHouston)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 2:10:35 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		I want sex every day and sometimes more then just once. If he's not meeting your needs phyiscally and emotionally, then what purpose does he really serve in your life? I would say its time to move on and find someone that you are compatible with. Believe me I KNOW what its like to be with someone who has a zero sex drive when you yourself have a high revving engine. Move on, there are men out there with a sex drive equal to your own.

~Lashra

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 3:00:57 AM   
SirKen963


Posts: 8
Joined: 2/24/2005
Status: offline 		to understand your wants is not always what you need .   First off are you Sub or vanilla ?    A sub that fights and disrepcts a Dom is in Need ,but Sex is not what you need for sure.  If he was a Dom i do not think you would be on here asking this for you would have understood your mistake .   But i would say that is why it is so important to follow guidlines for first meet's all the way up to collars of consideration
for they give both the change to see if this is the one for you.
 
 As a vanilla relationship is concern if you are not happy then it is in both interests to move on and find that someone that is more in the way of how you  feel and think.

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 6:53:38 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: madtourist

Thank you for reading...
I am in need of guidance and I thought/hope someone out there can understand...

I am so lost right now. I went off on my boyfriend this morning kicking him, hitting him. screaming at him...i went nuts...Now, he tells me he is taking a temporary job in another state. I guess I deserved it.

I went nuts because he is not fulfilling me sexually. I feel it is wrong to feel that way.
I feel I have to beg him for sex and it is drives me crazy. Yes, I am totally lacking in self discipline....

I have such a high sex drive, and this is not to excuse my abusive behavior,
it is a HUGE thing for me to limit sex to three or four times a week and not be able to initiate sex..I feel he is denying, withholding, and the more upset I get the more he pulls away... I used to have some understanding of handling conflict and power...or I thought
I did....

I guess why I'm here and why I'm questioning my sub/dom traits is that I feel
as if this huge core part of my self is not being expressed and satisfied in my life.
Do I just resign myself to a life of quiet desperation? Am I the only woman who would
ideally like to have sex three times a day.... How do I reconcile my sexuality with the rest of me?
-----Karen


First, drive drive and desire have nothing to do with BDSM. Please don't confuse your desire for sex with BDSM or Ds -- they may have absolutely nothing to do with each other.

Second, it is far more common for women to have the higher sex drive in a relationship than our culture admits. Trust me, I've spoken to doctors and therapist about this, it is very common.

Third, if you aren't fulfilled sexually and sex is important to you (would we question its importance to men or do we limit this criticism to women?) then you need to find a partner(s) whose drive is closer to yours.

My husband and I have very different sex drives and we deal with it in two ways. First we are not monomagous. Second I learned how to please myself by myself sexually.

I'd say that if your boyfriend has taken this job without consulting you, he's all ready told you the relationship is over. And yes, you lashing out may have pushed over the edge to that decision but that edge had to be there first to be pushed over.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to madtourist)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 7:33:31 AM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline 		*blinks slowly*

Advice?  Please get your anger, communication issues and self control issue down pat before delving into trying to add a layer of consensual sadomasochism or power exchange to the confusion.
'
*handing you a referral for a therapist*

Seriously.  There sounds to be a passle of underlying issues, including self-worth, security and the like that We here are not qualified to deal with.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to madtourist)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 7:49:58 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I agree with Pandora on this one.

(in reply to madtourist)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 9:05:16 AM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: madtourist
Do I just resign myself to a life of quiet desperation? Am I the only woman who would
ideally like to have sex three times a day.... How do I reconcile my sexuality with the rest of me?
-----Karen


This isn't a sex issue; it's a behavior issue.   Leaving aside scene issues, would you attack your boyfriend in this way if he wore something you didn't like, bought something you thought unnecessary or behaved in some other way you didn't like.

Non-consensual hitting is never acceptable.  Until you get control of that part of your behavior, sex, BDSM or even living with someone isn't really on the table.

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to madtourist)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 9:23:37 AM   
iliv2servher


Posts: 228
Joined: 5/17/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: madtourist

I went nuts because he is not fulfilling me sexually. I guess why I'm here and why I'm questioning my sub/dom traits is that I feel as if this huge core part of my self is not being expressed and satisfied in my life.



How did your relationships start off?  Was he satisfying you sexually in the beginning?  Sex happens to be a big thing for you, and you are obviously not a match for each other sexually, so I was just wondering why you are even together?

I would think that if he loves you enough, even though he may not feel like engaging in sexual intercourse with you, there are many other ways that he can help you achieve orgasm.



(in reply to madtourist)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 10:15:01 AM   
Proprietrix


Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline 		I need to think more before I post my comments.

< Message edited by Proprietrix -- 6/21/2006 10:22:36 AM >

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

(in reply to MisPandora)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 10:33:38 AM   
Proprietrix


Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline
I’ve reread the OP here several times. I’ve read the responses. And I’m really a bit angry about what I’m seeing here.

If a MAN had made this post
"I went off on my girlfriend and started kicking her, hitting her, screaming at her, because she won’t suck my dick as many times each day as I want."

We would have seen a totally different set of responses.
However, a woman makes the same post, as she’s told "If you aren’t getting your sexual needs met, go find a different man."
Sexism at its finest.

I’m sorry, but I totally have ZERO sympathy here for the OP.
You are an abuser.
You are physically abusing and verbally abusing your mate.
That is wrong.
This has NOTHING to do with BDSM and EVERYTHING to do with domestic violence.
 
You can’t abuse your partners just because you’re horny more often then them.
How would you feel if a man started kicking and hitting your mother or your sister because she wouldn’t spread her legs for him whenever he demanded?

You are totally in the wrong here and unlike some of the other posters I do not believe you should go find a man who will fuck you more often.
I think you should be behind bars like the rest of the fucking perpetrators who hit and abuse their spouses and mates.

I don’t blame your partner one bit for leaving you.
He was a victim of domestic violence.
And you are an abuser.

Go get help and quit hurting people just because you’re horny.
It makes me sick.




_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

(in reply to madtourist)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 10:39:54 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

I am so lost right now. I went off on my boyfriend this morning kicking him, hitting him. screaming at him...i went nuts...Now, he tells me he is taking a temporary job in another state. I guess I deserved it.


You're lucky he didn't have your ass arrested. Get a shrink.

Celeste

< Message edited by BitaTruble -- 6/21/2006 10:40:24 AM >

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to madtourist)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 10:46:55 AM   
MistressSassy66


Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: madtourist

Thank you for reading...
I am in need of guidance and I thought/hope someone out there can understand...

I am so lost right now. I went off on my boyfriend this morning kicking him, hitting him. screaming at him...i went nuts...Now, he tells me he is taking a temporary job in another state. I guess I deserved it.

I went nuts because he is not fulfilling me sexually. I feel it is wrong to feel that way.
I feel I have to beg him for sex and it is drives me crazy. Yes, I am totally lacking in self discipline....

I have such a high sex drive, and this is not to excuse my abusive behavior,
it is a HUGE thing for me to limit sex to three or four times a week and not be able to initiate sex..I feel he is denying, withholding, and the more upset I get the more he pulls away... I used to have some understanding of handling conflict and power...or I thought
I did....

I guess why I'm here and why I'm questioning my sub/dom traits is that I feel
as if this huge core part of my self is not being expressed and satisfied in my life.
Do I just resign myself to a life of quiet desperation? Am I the only woman who would
ideally like to have sex three times a day.... How do I reconcile my sexuality with the rest of me?
-----Karen


       *I first would like to say I do not have a PHD.*
 
But I do believe that anger is a big issue that needs to be dealt with.
Outbursts like that can be an Explosive Anger Disorder(My slave bishop has it).

Perhaps your not as submissive as you thought.

As for the sex...they have toys for that.I have found My own fingers work quite well and you could as they say...take matters into your own Hands.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to madtourist)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 10:50:32 AM   
madtourist


Posts: 4
Joined: 7/24/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks everyone for the help and comments. I appreciate the wisdom of the community.

Yes I am out of control and need help. I guess I don't quite know where to turn or begin...

I know it is wrong to treat my bf the way I have been. We have both been abusive
towards each other at various times but I am still responsible for my behavior.
You are right I am an abuser...I don't quite know how that happened but I guess that is the truth..

My frustrations have built to such an extent and instead of dealing with it in a healthier way
I didn't and they got the better of me...
There is also the frustration of being somewhat in a vanilla closet and confused about my
sexual identity...but you are probably right that that is too advanced for where I am now...

Thank you for your frank and thoughtful replies....

(in reply to Proprietrix)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 10:50:33 AM   
hunterwolf


Posts: 14
Joined: 2/25/2006
Status: offline 		Couldn't agree with you more. Society is extremely sex based on mnay issues.

Just for kicks, I would like to know how many GUYS here feel they have been sexually, physically or emotionally abused by their spouses?

(in reply to Proprietrix)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 11:13:24 AM   
ArchangelMichael


Posts: 243
Joined: 8/21/2004
From: New Orleans, LA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hunterwolf

Couldn't agree with you more. Society is extremely sex based on mnay issues.

Just for kicks, I would like to know how many GUYS here feel they have been sexually, physically or emotionally abused by their spouses?



I've definitely been emotionally and verbally abused by women before. I've never been married, so it's never been a spouse issue. But one of my past emotional abusers was a submissive I was interested in.


_____________________________

"Open up your mind; Let your fantasies unwind." -The Phantom, Phantom of the Opera

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." -Toulouse-Lautrec, Moulin Rouge

(in reply to hunterwolf)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 11:14:22 AM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear madtourist, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
Violence is not a remedy to conflicts, unless your life is in physical danger or you're in fear for your life.  Assault by women on men is getting way out of control in general.  Assaults is not what the lifestyle, D/s, M/s, S&M, BDSM promotes.
 
That said, I would find a mental health professional that has expertise in the field of sex disorders, as it seems this is what is driving the behavior according to your post.
 
From the post, I don't see anything that really promotes a dominant, a submissive and or Switch behavior.  So, I would first get hold of the cycle of behavior that has violence and triggers on sex that seems to be an issue that you need to address first.  A mental health professional will hopefully show you how to break the cycle or, manage it so you don't go violent physically, mentally, emotionally and or spiritually.
 
Things you are dealing with, might be just the tip of the mountain of lifetime's build up.  It might have nothing to do with the present but, something from the past.  Excuses are masking the real reasons to which mental health professionals help you find and unmask the whole issue.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to madtourist)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 11:37:29 AM   
GoddessLillith


Posts: 17
Joined: 6/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Proprietrix
Sexism at its finest.

I’m sorry, but I totally have ZERO sympathy here for the OP.
You are an abuser.
You are physically abusing and verbally abusing your mate.
That is wrong.
This has NOTHING to do with BDSM and EVERYTHING to do with domestic violence.





I just love it when people spot these kind of things, my hat goes of for you Proprietrix!

To the OP yes you need help and you need to focus on that before anything else in life.  Might I add also that like people eating to soothe their pain, sex has also been used for that for ages. So when you get your feelings down to a more even path, so might your compulsion for sex even out. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with having a good sex drive, but when it reads as an addiction you should seriously look at it.

You've not handeled things the best now, but work at bettering your situation. It's your only choice from my point of view.

(in reply to Proprietrix)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: sane input needed please - 6/21/2006 11:40:50 AM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline 		Thank you for saying what was in my brain.  What came out in my post was the "vanilla" and clearly Kumbaya version.  I kept thinking to myself when reading these posts about 'yeah, you should ditch his ass'......she's effin lucky she's not clankin chains at the county jail for that sort of juvenile behavior.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to Proprietrix)
Profile   Post #: 20
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