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Tips on Opening - 6/20/2006 10:08:25 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

I should probably consult a shrink - but you may have better answers... LOL

I'm having difficulty "opening-up" emotionally with my Dom. HE is the most amazing person...he deserves it. But, I've been hurt in the past (emotionally from a past non-Dom relationship). It's all me ... I'm still guarded and I don't want to be.

My intuition and heart say, "Be Free", but my mind...damn mind!

Any advice???

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

Post #: 1

RE: Tips on Opening - 6/20/2006 10:35:21 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

If you go to a therpist make sure they are a kink friendly one.

That being said we have walls to protect ourselves. It is natural that past hurts would make these walls harder to breech. I do not know the length of your relationship, but if you are still in the stage where you are finding your way with each other, then I wouldnt be hard on yourself for having walls. The thing is that we need time to let people behind our walls. The spirit may be willing, but your heart sounds like it is still in fear.

I would talk to your dominant about these feelings. I think you might be surprised at how he reacts! He probably will be very understanding about this, and give you time to overcome it. It may explain behaviors that you have that he doesnt know where they come from. Remember... risk is an inherent part of life.. we do not risk then we do not live.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 2

RE: Tips on Opening - 6/20/2006 10:42:32 PM

APerfectParadox

Posts: 95
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

"Sometimes we put up walls not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to tear them down" this is a favorite quote of mine ...and I agree with Julia, talk to your Dominant . A caring Dom will understand and help you work through your fears

_____________________________

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

If there were dreams to sell, what would you buy?

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 3

RE: Tips on Opening - 6/20/2006 11:02:31 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: APerfectParadox

"Sometimes we put up walls not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to tear them down" this is a favorite quote of mine ...and I agree with Julia, talk to your Dominant . A caring Dom will understand and help you work through your fears

He does - always. I just feel bad that he suffers from my past hurts, when in my heart I do trust him.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to APerfectParadox)

Post #: 4

RE: Tips on Opening - 6/20/2006 11:06:02 PM

peachums

Posts: 149
Joined: 6/7/2006
Status: offline

I know how you feel , and I have to constantly remind myself, a slave has no inhibitions, she has no fears, she has her Master. When ever you feel the urge to hold back, force yourself to say it! (respectfully lol). Try it! And You may learn to open up!
Peachie

_____________________________

I need a cookie...

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 5

RE: Tips on Opening - 6/20/2006 11:14:11 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

I should add... I think, think, think...often to the point of annoyance to myself! I thought I was over the hurt of the past...until I loved HIM. All will be well - HE is open....and.... :)

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 6

RE: Tips on Opening - 6/21/2006 5:16:31 AM

Rayne58

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline

I too was emotionally abused.....it takes time, and patience, and love and trust to be able to open up to someone. I still have times when I react how I used to in my marriage, with silence and "closing off". However He is aware of why I do these things and is very patient with me and waits until I can find the words to tell Him what is wrong

We met on a thread He started on another site, about helping those who had been abused. That thread was started almost 4 years ago and is still active. I use it as a "blog" sometimes, when I have the need to let things out. He will read my post and it gives us an opening to talk at home about things. You might want to try starting a blog of your own, that He has access to. Or send your Master an email. Sometimes it's easier to put things down in writing

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 7

RE: Tips on Opening - 6/21/2006 5:42:57 AM

lostsoul92468

Posts: 32
Joined: 5/31/2006
Status: offline

i don't know if this will help.
i myself have experienced much of the same thing. my way was if i had a bad day at work, when i got in i would asking for a spanking to release the tension. Most of the time he would ask what happened and if he felt i was at fault he would spank me. If He felt otherwise he would not but give me some other form of play to help me wind down. During these session i would also talk about other things that were on my mind be it past things or not. i think for me using the sessions to get it out helped.

(in reply to Rayne58)

Post #: 8

RE: Tips on Opening - 6/21/2006 6:05:34 AM

MrrPete

Posts: 614
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline

Give it time. Some walls are more difficult to get over. you want to open up to him
and it will happen as your trust in him grows.

Being aware of the problem is more than half the battle of overcoming and it looks
like you have a caring Dom to help. Let him.

_____________________________

Awrabest,

Mr. Pete

Boycott Citgo

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 9

RE: Tips on Opening - 6/21/2006 6:11:31 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: babysburnin
Any advice???

Practice makes perfect. Give it time, experience.

Consciously become aware of when you can't open up- and then make yourself do it. That's the hard work part, the part you have to be responsible for.

The more you do it, the easier it will become.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 10

RE: Tips on Opening - 6/21/2006 7:57:06 AM

shivvy

Posts: 746
Joined: 3/25/2006
From: Ireland, living in Kent, England.
Status: offline

i think that being really open and honest to your Master, lets Him know just how volunerable you are. i've had some really bad experiences, and i trusted an ex enuff to tell him, and when we split up, he started telling everybody at work little snippits and stuff, and that really hurt

but i feel releived i told my Master now, coz at least He kinda understands a bit more about me. and my last Master used to say with holding information from Him or having secrets woz the same as lying really, and i just feel so much betta knowing i got no secrets from my Master now, and that i really can talk to Him about anything.

As with luke telling everybody wot i told him in confidence.. i think that says more about him than it does me... but it woz still really upsetting at the time, but i'm one of them people who who tends to trust everybody till they give me reasone not too, and even then, i'm normally give most people a second chance, coz they say sorry.

_____________________________

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.εΐз¸¸.·*´¯`v´¯`*·.¸¸ـ εΐз ~*luv shivvy*~ ـ εΐз

xxx
Owned and collared by SavageFaerie and Master P

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 11

RE: Tips on Opening - 6/21/2006 8:10:19 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

I have given this advice before.

Make a dark room with an easy chair, snifter of brandy (or whatever), very very soft music, a desk a chair a writing pad pencils and candles.

Place Master in easy chair, give blowjob and snifter of brandy. Turn on soft music. Place your ass in the chair at the desk, which is set-up so your back is turned to the cock-sucked Master in the easychair with alcohol. Light your candles, Write some things you wish you could say to your Master on the pad of paper while saying what you are writing out loud. When you start talking faster than you can write....just doodle (a glass of wine is optional as a starter for you). Master is silent.......you are blabbering---everything.

Later, after a few of those sessions, you simply turn and look at him when you speak and you are all set. It is the starting.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to shivvy)

Post #: 12

RE: Tips on Opening - 6/21/2006 8:46:31 AM

HisTicia

Posts: 203
Joined: 5/31/2006
Status: offline

I think it's very hard not to carry over past hurts to new relationships..that is probably the cause of failure for many I would think.

Just be as open as you can..in time.. you will learn to trust him..and the memories of the bad ones will fade..as he helps you make good ones. I don't know anyone that doesn't have baggage.. or some sort of walls.. men or women..but somehow.. we have to learn to let those down..and let the one that loves us in. It's hard..but for sure worth the effort. It won't happen overnight..and they may even creep back in once in a while even after years..but slowly you will find they don't hinder you.. or control your emotions and thoughts in the same way.

Good luck to you... Ticia

_____________________________

All my soul follows you, love encircles you and I live in being yours. ~Browning

Believe nothing just because someone else believes it. Believe only what you yourself test and judge to be true. ~Buddha

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 13

RE: Tips on Opening - 6/21/2006 11:47:52 AM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

quote:

I'm still guarded and I don't want to be.

I think the big question is how long have you two been together? If it has been 12 years then you should see a shrink; if it has been 2 weeks then give it time. It would also be useful to know how long ago "the past" was -- if it has been 20 years you may want to see a shrink too.

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 14

RE: Tips on Opening - 6/21/2006 12:35:31 PM

DesertRat

Posts: 2774
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: NM/USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: APerfectParadox
"Sometimes we put up walls not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to tear them down" this is a favorite quote of mine ...and I agree with Julia, talk to your Dominant . A caring Dom will understand and help you work through your fears

Now that is very interesting. I knew someone like that. Made some progress with her, too. I never thought of it the way you just expressed it. Thanks.

bob

_____________________________

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro--Hunter S. Thompson
It's crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide!--Chief Dead St. Knockout, 1933, Liverpool
Damn the crops. I'll only find peace at the end of a rope.--Winston Van Loo, 1911

(in reply to APerfectParadox)

Post #: 15

RE: Tips on Opening - 6/21/2006 11:15:07 PM

MasterHugger

Posts: 6
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline

My simplist advice is to begin by taking small risks. An example is saying that you have something on your mind that is difficult for you to talk about and want his support to help you open up. See how he reacts to that before getting into the main issue. Trust in your perceptive skills to determine if you feel ready to dig deeper. I recommend that you do push yourself to be more vulnerable than you are ready for. If I betray myself that way (to please the other person’s curiousity), I end up regreting it and withdrawing afterwards, so the outcome is worse. However, it is important that he is generally aware that you are not being completely forthcoming with him, so you two can follow that over time and address it instead of denying it. It can be addressed respectfully and lovingly though.

Consider that even if there is a lack of awareness or skill at verbalizing what is going on, it does not mean that this issue has truly been hidden. My slave knows that she cannot hide anything from me. Even if I don’t know exactly what she holding back, I can sense intuitively that something is askew. This could be affecting your relationship. In fact, if you think about this real hard, you may realize that you are reaching a breaking point, where you don’t feel like you really have a choice. Such worries can be like a thorn in your foot. There is a risk in not taking a risk too.

One final thought is that addressing this could do wonders for relationship trust and deepening your emotional bond. My slave and I have both taken risks to say things that were troubling to us. The outcome is that it has always worked out. This has proven to be so very important because now we are confident that we can discuss whatever may come up in the future. Building a strong relationship history is imperative.

Remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said: You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

(in reply to DesertRat)

Post #: 16

RE: Tips on Opening - 6/23/2006 8:17:44 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

Thanks for the advice. I should add that "my guarded" is most likely someone else's biggest "opening up". My "problem" I suppose is that when I love someone - it's all or nothing. I have learned to curb my enthusiam with words, but the casualty has been not being able to express myself when appropriate to do so.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to MasterHugger)

Post #: 17

RE: Tips on Opening - 6/24/2006 6:03:08 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

ahh yes the cold facts of our own humanness---the fact that you are awake ( note I did not say aware, awake is the next step after aware) to your past is a huge step---the fact that you DO talk to him is another---however, our past guides how we respond to stimulii that we are not even cognizant of---response to something as simple as the sound of a burp--this is a time when the communication lines MUST be totally open on both sides all the time, you need to share what you "feel" and He needs to share what He "sees"---and it won't be for the same situations--He sounds like He is a good Master and wants to help you through this, let Him, it will only help you B/both grow closer---If I may suggest a few things:

(A) The three A's--aware, awake and awash----awash with communication--speak, speak speak what you are feeling, how things impact YOU---purge it out, look at it and determine how to cope. Speaking may be as simple as " I cannot speak, I do not know how to say..."

(B) The three A's for Master--aware, awake and awash---He needs to watch how you respond to things, and feel free to address them with you FREELY, without you feeling threatened, listen, talk and determine how to cope

(C) The three A's for you as cues from Master, let Him use His Dominance and your submission as a foundation of support for your growth through this---If you are responding about something, let Him use the dynamic to pull you through it---it can be as simple as kneeling at His feet on command and breathing slowly to release the pent up emotion, then talking about it--or a spanking to allow you to cry to the depths of your soul---whatever is the mechanism that will help you see, purge, and grow.

We all come to the table with baggage dear one--it is the best who know it, face it, wok with and through it and grow together because of it.

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 6/24/2006 6:05:24 AM >

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 18

RE: Tips on Opening - 6/24/2006 7:09:06 PM

romanticheart

Posts: 4
Joined: 6/23/2006
Status: offline

Thanks - I will consider all you have said.

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 19

RE: Tips on Opening - 6/24/2006 7:19:58 PM

romanticheart

Posts: 4
Joined: 6/23/2006
Status: offline

what?

(in reply to romanticheart)

Post #: 20

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