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This is the mentality I am seeking - 2/19/2013 8:19:29 AM

Greta75

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
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Actually, I always felt like, I don't quite fit totally in the vanilla world, but also somehow feel out of place in the bdsm world. Because I guess vanilla is too vanilla and candy flossy, and bdsm is too serious sometimes, with all the complicated protocols, and everybody with their strong different opinions on what it is about. And I'm neither here nor there.

So..., the one very common thing I notice is this popular phrase, "It's not a punishment if you enjoy it."

So if you take me, I enjoy whippings and hate blowjobs, I guess whippings would be my reward and blow jobs will be punishment. It's just silly.

I like being whipped and pretend it's punishment. And I like being forced to blow because that's the only possible way I could enjoy doing it.

I mean, is it possible that there is a dominant out there who specifically like to find a girl that enjoys receiving, what he enjoys doing? And is happy to role-play it as punishment, rather than having his fun diminished if ya enjoying it too much?

I guess in my head, I kneel, I take beatings, I take humiliation, because I enjoy it, not because it's real punishment, but because it's just play punishment.

In my head, if that was real punishment, it would be stray to feeling like genuine abuse rather than just fun together.

Some folks tell me, this is the wrong place for what I want, and suggested fetishes websites, but..., there are aspect of dominance that I seek. I like being told what to wear everyday for example. I also like following instructions on attire in the house, whether he chooses it to be completely naked, or whatever he desires. I love kneeling. And I just love the whole concept of being owned, thus he can do what he wants, whenever he wants to me. I'm very comfortable even with rules like, no walking at all, must always crawl in the house. But it can't feel like real slavery, it just always need to feel like pretend play slavery, that it's not real, we're just playing.

I just feel like I am not meeting people who understands or is into it in this way.

Post #: 1

RE: This is the mentality I am seeking - 2/19/2013 8:24:25 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

Spankings are for fun and reward in our house. So, I understand.

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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 2

RE: This is the mentality I am seeking - 2/19/2013 8:27:50 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
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I understand pretty well where you are at Greta, and there is nothing at all wrong with it.

It just is.

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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 3

RE: This is the mentality I am seeking - 2/19/2013 9:47:47 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

What you have said makes a lot of sense, and I know more than a handful of people who think along similar lines to you.

There's a lot of 'one twue wayism' going on in bdsm, but in reality we're all different, with different desires and different needs.

While the way you think is very different to the way I think, we're both as much a part of bdsm as anyone else.

I say screw the titles, let potential partners see this post and I wish you luck in finding the yin that fits your yang!

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 4

RE: This is the mentality I am seeking - 2/19/2013 10:49:21 AM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
Status: offline

I completely understand. I've never been one to follow rules and if I were a fish then I'd be swimming in the opposite direction. So, if someone told me we weren't following "proper" protocol, I'd tell them to kiss it. We follow our rules. We do what works for us. I like spankings and he likes giving them and sometimes we use them as funishment.
I think you are most certainly not alone.

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 5

RE: This is the mentality I am seeking - 2/19/2013 12:17:27 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

Actually, I always felt like, I don't quite fit totally in the vanilla world, but also somehow feel out of place in the bdsm world. Because I guess vanilla is too vanilla and candy flossy, and bdsm is too serious sometimes, with all the complicated protocols, and everybody with their strong different opinions on what it is about. And I'm neither here nor there.

So..., the one very common thing I notice is this popular phrase, "It's not a punishment if you enjoy it."

So if you take me, I enjoy whippings and hate blowjobs, I guess whippings would be my reward and blow jobs will be punishment. It's just silly.

I like being whipped and pretend it's punishment. And I like being forced to blow because that's the only possible way I could enjoy doing it.

I mean, is it possible that there is a dominant out there who specifically like to find a girl that enjoys receiving, what he enjoys doing? And is happy to role-play it as punishment, rather than having his fun diminished if ya enjoying it too much?

I guess in my head, I kneel, I take beatings, I take humiliation, because I enjoy it, not because it's real punishment, but because it's just play punishment.

In my head, if that was real punishment, it would be stray to feeling like genuine abuse rather than just fun together.

Some folks tell me, this is the wrong place for what I want, and suggested fetishes websites, but..., there are aspect of dominance that I seek. I like being told what to wear everyday for example. I also like following instructions on attire in the house, whether he chooses it to be completely naked, or whatever he desires. I love kneeling. And I just love the whole concept of being owned, thus he can do what he wants, whenever he wants to me. I'm very comfortable even with rules like, no walking at all, must always crawl in the house. But it can't feel like real slavery, it just always need to feel like pretend play slavery, that it's not real, we're just playing.

I just feel like I am not meeting people who understands or is into it in this way.

Seems to me your only real "problem" is one of over-thinking and of not being totally comfortable with you being *you*. And maybe it's related to the people you've met r/l, but you seem really hung up on defining "punishment". (ie, over-thinking)

I've always kept it simple in my relationships. First off, I won't have my girl being ashamed or even uncomfortable with her needs. And yes, even though she's affectively my personal property, she's absolutely entitled to her own unique needs and desires. Now, if she happens to enjoy a good butt-bruising, there is no need to pretend or contrive it as "punishment" - because, frankly, that seems a rather ignorant, stereo-typical vanilla view of what a good spanking/flogging is.

And I'm fine with giving her that flogging - because (as long as she's been my usual good girl) I like to pride myself on being one to satisfy all my girl's needs, too. And also, she has nowhere to go re my needs if, for example, she didn't much enjoy giving bj's. D/s may be an unequal control dynamic, but the relationship only works if *both* are getting needs met.

Lol, I've gotta say that me being the sadistic type prick I often am, I'd rather enjoy owning a sub who didn't like giving bj's. Cos it's not like I ask when I'm in the mood and if she's not so into it, you just know it's gonna last twice as long....

I don't much care for a role-play dynamic - call it what it is rather than pretend or contrive. And if it really were punishment (ie, defined as something she did to make me angry) then she'd get the opposite to a beating - complete withdrawal of my attention toward her.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 6

RE: This is the mentality I am seeking - 2/19/2013 2:13:55 PM

TAFKAA

Posts: 382
Joined: 1/5/2013
Status: offline

You lost me at "hate blowjobs", which I'm afraid is a hard limit. Begone! You are dead to me.

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The asshole formerly known as Awareness

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 7

RE: This is the mentality I am seeking - 2/19/2013 4:19:26 PM

Greta75

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline

quote:

there is no need to pretend or contrive it as "punishment" - because, frankly, that seems a rather ignorant, stereo-typical vanilla view of what a good spanking/flogging is.

For me spanking intensifies orgasms and increases pleasure. That's the function. I don't need it to be used as punishment to enjoy it. But I suppose alot of my turn ons is imagining non-consensual things, thus anything that is "play punishment" will feel non-consensual, will heighten the whole play alot more. It's kind of like I don't approve of real rape, but I love playing rape. I don't approve of real punishment but I like playing punishment. To me, real rape and real punishment are both genuine non-consensual things. I am not saying this is the same for everybody, but this is how I internalize things.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 2/19/2013 4:20:24 PM >

(in reply to TAFKAA)

Post #: 8

RE: This is the mentality I am seeking - 2/19/2013 4:27:48 PM

msjustlooking

Posts: 28
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline

I think most people in the lifestyle have had their moments when someone else was telling them "you're doing it wrong." I once had some loonies telling me that unless I was making the sub/slave's life miserable and a living hell I was not "real." Frankly, that's just bullshit. Do what makes you feel good. Seek out whatever type of relationship will fulfill you and I promise you that no matter what type that is; there is someone else out there who wants it too.

_____________________________

"How To Serve Dominant Women"- Its a Cookbook!

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 9

RE: This is the mentality I am seeking - 2/19/2013 4:36:19 PM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline

Every pot has a lid, every key has a lock.. It might not be as easy as finding something less specific but hey..if you put enough effort into it...

(in reply to msjustlooking)

Post #: 10

RE: This is the mentality I am seeking - 2/19/2013 7:20:30 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

there is no need to pretend or contrive it as "punishment" - because, frankly, that seems a rather ignorant, stereo-typical vanilla view of what a good spanking/flogging is.

For me spanking intensifies orgasms and increases pleasure. That's the function. I don't need it to be used as punishment to enjoy it. But I suppose alot of my turn ons is imagining non-consensual things, thus anything that is "play punishment" will feel non-consensual, will heighten the whole play alot more. It's kind of like I don't approve of real rape, but I love playing rape. I don't approve of real punishment but I like playing punishment. To me, real rape and real punishment are both genuine non-consensual things. I am not saying this is the same for everybody, but this is how I internalize things.

Oh yeah, "forbidden fruit" but without actually getting poisoned by it or playing with fire without actually getting horribly burnt etc - that's quite "normal" and desirable to me, too. I don't enjoy heights AT ALL but the first time I looked up at Sydney's Centrepoint Tower, I knew where I just hadta go. I reasoned that it hadn't fallen down all those years previous and so it "probably" wouldn't today...? I recall leaning on the outwards sloping glass and looking waaaay down at the ant-size people below and thinking anything this bad can't really be happening....

It's exhilerating! And so is the age old complementary contradiction of pleasure and pain....

But I digress - for a D/s type dynamic to feel real, it's a matter of the right headspace being set for you. Individually and as a sub, you can imagine it as wanting to feel real like a punishment etc but it's the Dom who'll put that "fear" there for you. Believe me, when I'm in the mood to give the girl a good cropping, the fact she'll likely enjoy it in her own unique way has no place during the actual scene. The atmosphere (the headspace I set) will be formal and regimented, I'll not tolerate her smiling with anticipation - like I'm there for her entertainment - it will all happen MY WAY.

When it's over, she can smile and show off her bruises etc all she wants - but not before or during. "During" is entirely my time where she's just compliant "meat" who'll behave exactly how I want - that getting her needs met is dependent on meeting mine.

Like I said, she doesn't have to imagine "punishment" as she'll be too busy following learnt protocols and whatever instructions on the day and in any given moment. And it'll really sting if she forgets so much as one of any "Yes Sir"s or "No Sir"s...!

The trouble with internalising is that you're only wired for one side of the equation, or half the picture. You can only rationalise as a sub (as I can only as a dom) - that it's never quite how you think when the other side is introduced to the mix.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 11

RE: This is the mentality I am seeking - 2/19/2013 7:44:18 PM

HarryVanWinkle

Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
and bdsm is too serious sometimes, with all the complicated protocols, and everybody with their strong different opinions on what it is about.

If you don't like it serious with the complicated protocols, them don't take it seriously and fuck the protocols. It's your BDSM, not that of everybody with the strong, different opinions.

quote:

So..., the one very common thing I notice is this popular phrase, "It's not a punishment if you enjoy it."

Well, they're right there. It's not. Who cares. Lots of people's dynamics don't have the "punishment paradigm" and lots more have a "funishment paradigm." It's your BDSM, not that of others. If they don't like it, fuck 'em. Or don't.

quote:

I like being whipped and pretend it's punishment. And I like being forced to blow because that's the only possible way I could enjoy doing it.

So, go with that. Do what works for you, not what other say is "real" or "true" BDSM. It's your life, not theirs. And it's your BDSM, not theirs

quote:

I mean, is it possible that there is a dominant out there who specifically like to find a girl that enjoys receiving, what he enjoys doing? And is happy to role-play it as punishment, rather than having his fun diminished if ya enjoying it too much?

I don't know about how many people who call themselves dominants there are who would find this acceptable in somebody calling herself a submissive. But, I know a LOT of people who call themselves tops would love this in somebody who calls herself a bottom. Unfortunately, CM doesn't allow those labels. FetLife does. You might want to reconsider the whole "dom/sub" thing and think more about a top/bottom or a sadist/masochist thing. At the risk of being repetitious, it's your BDSM, nobody else's and nobody else has a right to tell you what's right for you.

quote:

I guess in my head, I kneel, I take beatings, I take humiliation, because I enjoy it, not because it's real punishment, but because it's just play punishment.

What so many people have forgotten that they've nearly started a "Church of True BDSM" is that it all started out as, umm, unusual ways to have fun. So do what works for YOU and to hell with the preachers and the mullahs.

quote:

In my head, if that was real punishment, it would be stray to feeling like genuine abuse rather than just fun together.

You are by no means alone in feeling this way. Again, do what's right for YOU. Not what's right for somebody else.

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 12

RE: This is the mentality I am seeking - 2/19/2013 8:35:51 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Yup. Lots of them out there. It's called funishment.

Your problem isn't going to be finding someone into play or roleplay. Your problem is going to be finding a guy who hates bjs. But play? Yeah, that's really not hard at all. I mean my experience has been that I was always able to find even "vanilla" men who always wanted to bedroom play.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 2/19/2013 8:39:27 PM >

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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Post #: 13

RE: This is the mentality I am seeking - 2/19/2013 8:52:23 PM

Greta75

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
Your problem is going to be finding a guy who hates bjs.

Actually, I don't need a guy who hates bj, I just need a guy who enjoys someone who hates bj to force her to bj. But there are some guys who just prefer bj to be considered pleasurable for the sub as well, and not torture for her. I think alot like to think of their dick being in the mouth as reward and not punishment. So yea..., big issue there.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 2/19/2013 8:53:50 PM >

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 14

RE: This is the mentality I am seeking - 2/19/2013 8:55:20 PM

Greta75

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline

Harry, thanks, you're right, I'm just being insecure about my preferences, probably because my preferences makes my own personal search alot harder, plus the geographical location I am in, even worst.

Unlike Little Wonder, I have faced alot of negative reaction trying to suggest the plays I want with vanilla men over here. And it's quite scary and hurting, the way they look at me.

And I guess I am hoping to find that I fit in somewhere someday.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 2/19/2013 8:59:33 PM >

(in reply to HarryVanWinkle)

Post #: 15

RE: This is the mentality I am seeking - 2/20/2013 3:05:34 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

Actually, I don't need a guy who hates bj, I just need a guy who enjoys someone who hates bj to force her to bj.

Now that shouldn't be so difficult. Find a cat who's into cockstrangling and you'll do fine.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 16

RE: This is the mentality I am seeking - 2/20/2013 3:11:58 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Hi, how we all doin here? May I be of some service?

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

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Post #: 17

RE: This is the mentality I am seeking - 2/20/2013 3:24:50 PM

HarryVanWinkle

Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
Your problem is going to be finding a guy who hates bjs.

Actually, I don't need a guy who hates bj, I just need a guy who enjoys someone who hates bj to force her to bj. But there are some guys who just prefer bj to be considered pleasurable for the sub as well, and not torture for her. I think alot like to think of their dick being in the mouth as reward and not punishment. So yea..., big issue there.

I'm guessing what you like isn't a blowjob, it's a good old fashioned skull-fuck.

What I'd normally recommend you do is join Fetlife and seek out your local real time BDSM community, but i don't know how much of one there is in Singapore or what the laws are there, other than pretty strict in general. I'd still say check it out. Be honest about what you want and if anybody tells you "that's not real BDSM" let him go fuck his own skull.

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 18

RE: This is the mentality I am seeking - 2/20/2013 8:19:47 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

aahh..you're in Singapore! I did not realize that. Yup, that's gonna make a helluva difference on the type of men you are meeting then. I wish I could give you advice but unfortunately, from what I've heard kinky sex, bdsm or anything like that is very hard to come by and not very common or open.

Yeah, the only thing I can tell you is to try and find a Singapore group on fetlife. If there aren't any, I got no ideas. Sorry.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to HarryVanWinkle)

Post #: 19

RE: This is the mentality I am seeking - 2/20/2013 9:16:45 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
Your problem is going to be finding a guy who hates bjs.

Actually, I don't need a guy who hates bj, I just need a guy who enjoys someone who hates bj to force her to bj. But there are some guys who just prefer bj to be considered pleasurable for the sub as well, and not torture for her. I think alot like to think of their dick being in the mouth as reward and not punishment. So yea..., big issue there.

Actually, I think it would be easy to find that.

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 20

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