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njlauren -> RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (2/28/2013 10:56:02 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: JeffBC
quote:
ORIGINAL: littlewonder
I was thinking the same thing on this thread. And I would agree with you. It's been my experience as well. It has nothing to do with being afraid to ask. It's just that like wants like.
This.
And I have no idea why we like to tell ourselves lies about the mating game. It ought to be obviously true exactly as you said previously LW... you work hard on how you look... you wanted a partner who did the same. It's my general observation that most of us could look pretty good IF we chose to focus on it. I've said to Carol for years that if you're female, have long hair, and are reasonably slim then you're a hottie if you want to be. It took her a long time to believe that until I got her down to a size 4 and long hair and then suddenly....
For most people these are not unobtainable goals. For men it's really not that much different. Get down to 15% body fat and put on some nice clothes. Men also have the extra burden of "and now start a corporation" (exaggeration) but it is what it is. Play the game or don't but at least acknowledge the rules. NONE Of that, however, gets rid of the other criteria we all use. Even when I find my matching 6 or whatever I still want her to also have a lot of other internal qualities and for me, at least, it'd be way harder to find those than it would be to find a 6... or a 10 for that matter. It isn't either/or. It's both.
Now... just to argue against myself I strongly suspect there have been a few 8-10's in my life that have wished that I would approach them. I never have nor will I ever. In my case it isn't because of lack of confidence although earlier in my life it probably was. But nowadays it's just a cold-blooded assessment of what I'm likely to find inside the pretty packaging.
There is a subtle point in all this, and that is two things are being mixed here, how someone presents themselves and what their physical type is. When we talk 8-10s we are talking physical morphology and genes more then anything else, their potential. A 10 who doesn't take care of themselves is going to end up looking like shit, look what happens to beautiful people who end up hooked on drugs and crap, or who let themselves go as they age (among other things, those young women who can eat anything and not gain weight, when they hit their late 30's and 40's, are going to pay for it).
I am not disagreeing that someone who takes care of themselves, works out, has proper hygiene, and so forth, is not going to be more attractive, but that isn't the same thing. Someone who is an 7 might become a 9 through the wonders of silicon and liposuction, but they still have to take care of it. Someone who doesn't care about themselves is not going to be very attractive, but that is not the same thing as being a 6 or a 10, a troll can be a troll at any potential.
One of the things about the scene community is often some of the biggest lifestyle people (and again, this is just my observation), the ones in lifestyle relationships, are not 'beautiful people' but rather then use what they have. There are a lot of dommes who according to the standards of the beautiful people, are not in that class, who might be technically overweight or not have the perfect figure, but when they come into a room they turn heads. One of my conclusions was that in my observations, generally the 'beauties' by traditional standards often were more into the fetish clothing and being seen, not the lifestyle people (and please, understand, this is a)my observations and b)cannot be used as a rule. It might be easier for a boy toy sub to attract a pretty domme initially, but in the end, as someone else wrote quite well, the package underneath is going to be what ends up cementing the relationship. A slob is a slob, but a sub who is ordinary or hasn't been graced with great jeans, who does everything they can to present themselves, who is truly submissive, in the end is going to do better then the pretty boy with attitude. The dominant who may be short and technically not on the skinny side, who has average looks, might get subs who are stunning because they are the total package and it shows.
Looks matter, but what you do with them IMO matter more in the long term. Like I said, looking for fuck buddies, 10's will go with 9's and 10's, but when it comes to relationships, not so sure that works out.
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