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njlauren -> RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (2/25/2013 9:54:30 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Charles6682
I have been to real fetish parties before and have been around REAL Dommes.I do know the difference.I really prefer the ring thing than doing anymore videos anyways.The videos did provide me a unique chance to explore some things that I probaly would not have been able to any other way.
I think I have a perspective on this that may help, least I hope it does. I have seen professional fetish/bd-sm videos shot (and let me tell you, watching them shot is even less interesting that watching many of them when they are done) and the problem is that is not real. I am not saying that what you might feel as a sub is not real, the whole thing is, it isn't bd/sm, it is really play acting to a large extent in my view of it. Yeah, I have seen videos of real domme and sub combinations go at it (I mean they are a lifestyle couple for real), and it is pretty intense, but most videos are hired hands playing for the camera, and it is about getting off joe sixpack who is going to buy it, it has little to do with those involved.
In a sense, it is what I experienced when I transitioned from my start in BD/SM, playing in commercial S/M houses, to having it in my life. Pro sessions can be fun, and i learned a lot about my sensation play self there, met some really wonderful ladies who worked there, but in a sense, it wasn't real, as intensely as I tried. The problem there is the focus, despite what their ads say and what they tell you, is those sessions were about me, I was paying, and in the end, the ladies there knew that. There really wasn't any return flow from me to them, the energy that makes this great, and in reality there wasn't really the dynamic there. I did play with a pro domme once out on the left coast that was quite different, but even that wasn't totally there.
When I first started working with my wife, when we introduced it into our lives, she would get really mad at me, because I was in the mode of in effect her doing me...rather then me de facto 'doing her'. She wasn't getting any energy back, I was lost in my own world, and she was in the role of a pro domme serving the client, and it doesn't work for a couple.I didn't know any better, I kind of had the idea it was totally about the kinkiness of the play, the better toy, but in reality, it is a shared experience. The movie also is generally not a shared experience, because for the most part (other then lifestyle couples doing it), it is the sub/domme doing it for someone else, the paying audience, it isn't about either of them IMO. Relationship BD/SM, with or without D/, goes well beyond the sensation play/masochist/sadist aspects to use horribly inadequate words, any more then sex between a romantic couple is not simply about the sex. What you do in a video or in a pro domme sessions is roughy akin to a fuck buddy, though at least with fuck buddies you both are getting something out of it. Doing a video might even be something of a turn on, after all, it is still sexuality, but it isn't a relationship either. I think LP hit the nail on the head about the domme who asked you if you wanted to be her slave, I think that was a put up to make you work better in the video. If she was sincerely interested in it, she would grab you after the video, ask you if you might be interested, and then at the very least set up some sort of meeting to talk about it, what she was looking for, etc (keep in mind that a M/s doesn't have to be a relationship like you are looking for, it can be very businesslike almost). To be honest, the fact that she used the word slave kind of set off something in me, that to me is like someone meeting you at a bar and saying do you want to get engaged, slavery whatever it means to people is usually something that is worked into. Perhaps she simply used that as a general purpose term for sub, as many pro dommes do, but in the context of a relationship I don't think too many dominants would think of entering into a Dom/sub relationship, let alone M/s, just by having done a video together. I think she was yanking your chain, and you should take zero from what happened.
I think others hit the nail on the head, real dommes are also real women; the woman at that movie shoot was an actress for that film playing a role and she played you, too (for all you know, she may not even be in BD/SM, but does this strictly for money, as a lot of the people in those films do). My advice is to be strong in yourself, take care of the things that make you feel less strong, and then when in places where the wild dommes are (paraphrase the late, great Maurice Sendak), use that confidence but humble charm to charm the socks off them, and see what happens:)
One other nugget, be very, very careful about appearances. That women in the incredible looking woman in the really hot fetish wear with a whip on her belt may not be any more a dominant then I am, there are more then a few people there who are fetishists for the look (which is perfectly fine), but some of them put on a show about being the domme when they really aren't, they just like jerking with people, so if you get blown off by someone, don't think it is you, and that type is not uncommon. Sometimes that woman wearing the jeans and a dark t shirt on the other hand might be the domme of your dreams:)
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