Jealousy and acceptance

Jealousy and acceptance (Full Version)

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chatterbox24 -> Jealousy and acceptance (2/25/2013 6:01:18 AM)
For those of you that are in a poly relationship, or a relationship of some sort, that includes someone or others beyond yourself, how do you accept that? Is there anyone here who felt they would never accept it and do now? I am curious if people are truly happy with it and have came to terms. Or if they just put up with it because they feel they have too. How do you rationalize? FOr those of you that don't accept that kind of relationship and would feel jealousy. What goes through your mind? DOes it bring bouts of insecurity? Feelings of being used?

Pyramus -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/25/2013 6:43:47 AM)
Can't answer the poly part - but - more than a few swingers have had the guy bring the gal and then find out, much to their dismay, that they get jealous of all the attention the gal gets from couples who only want the gal. Moral of that story is be prepared to get what you ask for ...

OsideGirl -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/25/2013 8:14:08 AM)
I truly enjoy it. Poly only works if communication is open, everything is handled honestly, and the first relationship is absolutely solid. For us we've also found that there needs to be boundaries about what is considered as belonging to each member of the family.

Dyfrynt -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/25/2013 9:37:19 AM)
The BDSM poly household is really no different from a vanilla poly household (except that the latter would probably blanch at being called a poly family). Because of economic hard times and a number of other factors there are more and more people living under the same roof now than there has been in many decades. This is in the States, of course. There are parts of the world where 10 people live in a single room! How it is handled though is really the same thru-out. It is a matter of people's ability to accept the inter-relationships between everyone in the group. I agree with Oside (By the way, Oside, just what IS an Oside? Curious minds and all that.) that honest and open communication between everyone is essential. Personal boundaries must be respected. And personal privacy is also critical. Rationalizing the situation is a bad idea. Everyone must agree to the arrangement of their own free will. Someone who puts up with it because they have to is a ticking time bomb that will blow; tis only a matter of time. As an example, my wife and I have been married a little over 25 years. It is a vanilla marriage. I have also had subs on and off for a little over half that time. But they were not living in our home. For the past 5 years I have had a live in slave (with some years before that as a non live-in). There have been some hurdles to overcome, and most of the time it works very well. We did spend a lot of time at the beginning discussing rules, roles, personal needs, and so on and so on. The times it has gotten sticky has nothing to do with wife and slave, but with two women who have very different personalities. They each have habits that can cause the other to go crazy from time to time. Those are the exceptions though. Most of the time they are friends and support each other. Poly is not always easy, but it is worth the rough spots to have a relationship that is a pleasure to all of us.

Greta75 -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/25/2013 9:49:53 AM)
I don't like sharing my man, period. I don't like it when I'm not gonna be his one and only. It's becoming more like religion, where his Jesus Christ and has to love everybody equally. I stop feeling special. I hate it.

OsideGirl -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/25/2013 9:58:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Dyfrynt (By the way, Oside, just what IS an Oside? Curious minds and all that.) Oside is short for Oceanside, CA. We used to live in North County San Diego.

Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/25/2013 10:05:40 AM)
I would love to swing or have a third, but I am insecure and jelouse, yes. My biggest insecurity is he would like the sex with her better than me and prefer to fuck her more than me. Or do things to her that hes refused or,shown no interest in doing to me.

TheLilSquaw -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/25/2013 10:26:44 AM)
I am in a poly relationship and not only am I happy but so are my partners. None of us are jealous or insecure about our relationships. We each know what our roles are. There is no putting up with it or rationalizing it, it is what both my primary and I wanted for our relationship. We both strongly believe that you can love more than 1 person and that different people can and do bring different things to the relationships. The key is open and honest communication from the start.

ClassAct2006 -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/25/2013 10:33:10 AM)
How many husbands do I get?

OsideGirl -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/25/2013 10:45:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom I would love to swing or have a third, but I am insecure and jelouse, yes. My biggest insecurity is he would like the sex with her better than me and prefer to fuck her more than me. Or do things to her that hes refused or,shown no interest in doing to me. I long ago came to the conclusion that sex does not equal love or intimacy. It's what he does everyday that equals love and intimacy. I'd be more jealous of time, than sex. As for the second part, that would fall under boundaries and communication for me. It's something that would get discussed before the third person even came in.

myotherself -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/25/2013 10:58:24 AM)
I am absolutely not wired for poly. I made it one of my few hard limits when I was looking. I know I'd be jealous and insecure if there were another woman 'competing' (for want of a better word) with me for the time and affections of 'my' man. I did date a guy about 6 years ago who insisted he was totally monogamous, until we were about 10 dates in and thinking about adding D/s to the mix. It was at this point he decided that actually he was poly and was thinking of looking for a third. I walked away from that relationship for several reasons (his lies, his total inability to understand that 10 weeks of dating does NOT make a solid primary relationship), but the main on was that I just can't cope with poly. I don't have problems with Master playing with others at play parties, as long as I'm there. But to be honest, he doesn't want to. He prefers me [:)]

LadyPact -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/25/2013 11:12:07 AM)
I almost feel redundant even answering this thread. Accept it? What an odd term. Like we're settling or something. This isn't something we passively accept. This is something that we really want. More like a goal that we achieved rather than something that we sat back and 'accepted' because we couldn't do any better. I don't get the "coming to terms" phrasing, either. Are you talking about terms for the household (like house rules and stuff) or terms within the relationship. Terms for a car payment maybe? If we weren't happy, we wouldn't be here together. It's not something we're stuck in. Frankly, I see more monogamous folks come to these boards because they consider themselves "stuck in" relationships that are making them unhappy. Oh, the spouse is vanilla and doesn't understand the desire for kink. Oh, the spouse doesn't provide enough sex. Oh, the spouse isn't giving x, y, z. One of the huge benefits of being poly is that you're not depending solely on one person for wants, needs, and desires. Not every person believes that one person can be anything and everything that the other person wants. (Please note that does not read as all people feel this way. It is not meant to insult monogamous folks.) For example, for as much as I love My husband, he's not a submissive. Rather than not having that in My life, or trying to change him into something he's not, poly is the alternative answer. That's where clip fills that role in My life. A quick mention in closing. We do refer to ourselves as either a poly household or a poly family. While the term poly unit would also be correct for us, I prefer the other terms.

littlewonder -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/25/2013 11:15:24 AM)
been there done that and my feelings were justified. She came into the relationship as the second. She hid the fact at first that she wanted to be with him alone even though it had always been me and him. Over time she made sure that I was pushed out of the relationship a little at a time until she took my place. I was pushed out and left alone. I have no desire to get involved in such again. And I won't be the second because I know I want to be the one and the only one and that's not fair to the person who is there before me. I'm not a backstabbing type of person. I'm not the type that will sneak my way into a person's mind and heart and try to push her out of the way. It's not right to anyone involved.

OsideGirl -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/25/2013 11:53:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Accept it? What an odd term. Like we're settling or something. This isn't something we passively accept. This is something that we really want. More like a goal that we achieved rather than something that we sat back and 'accepted' because we couldn't do any better. I don't get the "coming to terms" phrasing, either. Are you talking about terms for the household (like house rules and stuff) or terms within the relationship. Terms for a car payment maybe? It's the attitude presented by many people that if you're a sub female involved in a poly relationship you're settling or just accepting it to save your relationship.

sexyred1 -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/25/2013 3:11:54 PM)
Not into anything involving sharing. And it has nothing to do with insecurity or jealousy. It has to do with my own personal value. I value myself and therefore only want to be with someone who values me above other women. I understand that sex does not equal love, but when I am in a relationship I only want to be with a man who wants only me. We both can look, which is normal, but touching is not for me. Otherwise, why would I be with someone where I felt compelled or had the desire to have sex with. It is interesting to me. I have, years ago, experimented with threesomes with other women and THEIR men. And the women always, ALWAYS claimed to be ok with the situation; until they were not. They always admitted afterwards and sometimes during, that they were jealous seeing their man with me. Also, as many men have a fantasy of being with two women, it is vastly overrated. I found that the men really could not handle the needs of two women and it fell short of the cerebral fantasy. One time I dated a man who was obsessed with having a threesome with me and someone else. I kept telling him no, not interested. I finally dumped him over it. A few years later I ran into him and he finally experienced his threesome. Guess what? He told me he fucked up with me and wished he had never wished for something that was such a non event when he finally got to do it. I always say be careful what you wish for.

kiwisub12 -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/25/2013 3:20:41 PM)
When my late Sir started playing with other women, i was very insecure, and dare i say it? - jealous. It took a lot of reassurance on his part for me to get comfortable with the idea, especially since he said he would like a second. I became very comfortable with him playing with others, and even had a second live with us for a while. She didn't work out for several reasons, one being that we had absolutely nothing in common. Just bringing someone into the house didn't make us poly - because there was no connection between she and me. With my sweetie, it is a bit different. He plays with another woman, and honestly i'm not in the least insecure about it. There is no intercourse involved, and that was something he assured me. I think once you have been in a somewhat open relationship it becomes easier to accept. I have no issue with my sweetie playing with others- especially since the tent in his trousers comes to me [;)][:D]. I don't rationalise his play in any way. I think if i threw a hissy fit about it, he would stop - but he obviously ( see previous sentence) enjoys it, and why would i deny him something he enjoys. I love him and want him to be happy.

TNDommeK -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/25/2013 3:36:14 PM)
Absolutely EVERYTHING Lady P said. I don't settle, never have, never will. I love my family. Of course we have our ups and downs. But even vanilla folks go through that. I used to feel the same as myotherself, but I gave it a chance. I do think some folks are wired for and some aren't. I guess I just one who was. I love my husband more than anything. I couldn't breathe without him, but I couldn't function with out our girls.

littlewonder -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/25/2013 7:22:45 PM)
Master and I have talked in the past about bringing another in just to play. I'm really not interested in it because I'm straight but I know it's something he would like. I have told him that I don't have a problem with casual playing/fucking as a couple or him playing with someone casually without any sex, but I would have a huge problem with him bringing someone into our relationship to be a part of our relationship. From what I've seen of poly relationships it seems the ones that work the best and longest have always been the ones where the females were bi or ones with two males where the primary is dominant and the secondary is sub. Like I said, that's just been my experience of those I've known in poly situations.

theRose4U -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/25/2013 9:10:13 PM)
My poly I didn't feel like I settled. Adding her was unorthodox, added more to my life & opened a part of my man I never would have reached. The only jealousy I had was when she went on business trip to private island,on private jet, with a yacht & shopping...whilke as stuck at work with a financial & EPA audit at the same time. She lied about hating it, sent me flowers & made sure my man checked in each day even if she started the call. I can't say I was thrilled when we all parted ways, but them finding their way back to each other waS inevitable

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Jealousy and acceptance (2/25/2013 9:31:33 PM)
Poly is not about settling, and that the OP frames it that way shows how much she still has to learn. People are wired for poly or they are not, and someone who isn't should never attempt it. I don't think it has anything to do with insecurity, or jealousy or anything like that. You are a person who can accept your 'other' having another love in their life, or you're not. If you don't have a 'share the love it's all good' feeling about it, you shouldn't do it. The thing is, many people experience what lw did, with those who pretend to be poly who are not, and they cause so many problems for others. I do think if you have insecurities, poly can bring it out. Also, unethical poly can make anyone feel insecure. What is unethical poly? Lying, pretending, choosing a poly situation not to share the love but to keep people feeling insecure and unsure of themselves as a way to wield power. BTW: That last one never works for long.

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