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First Meetings - 2/28/2013 3:45:33 AM   
hollycheer91


Posts: 41
Status: offline 		I want to meet up with a dom who lives a ways away but am concerned with how the first meeting should/will go. Normally when first meeting anyone, dom or not, I like to get to know them in person first, since online or phone can be decieving. But I feel that may not be completely appropriate since it would be a really long (2000+ miles) way to go to meet someone...When meeting a dom you've met online and there is a distance barier, what occurs when you meet in person for the first time? Is the dominance immediate since you or they had to travel or do you still get to know each other first?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: First Meetings - 2/28/2013 3:58:18 AM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		My thought is, you should follow your instincts, and do what you are comfortable doing under normal circumstances. I don't have an absolute do/don't list, for anytime I meet anyone. If you are perfectly comfortable, and he is a gentleman, there will not be awkwardness, simply because one of you has flown a distance away. If you trust his lead, and don't feel compromised in any way, than follow. If you don't, maintain your wits about you, and don't let yourself get taken advantage of.

The only thing I tend to do differently when getting to know someone far away, is to speak with them, and take a little more time in getting to know them, before meeting, so as to not massively inconvenience either of us. That in no way means however, that I would twist myself in different ways to assure him his time is "compensated" for. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: First Meetings - 2/28/2013 6:05:47 AM   
LittleMsMary


Posts: 63
Joined: 3/24/2012
Status: offline 		I agree with the previous post. I think I'd just try to be very upfront with the other person about what might happen as far as what level of play/control you'd be ok with, but also be sure that you both understand that depending on comfort and chemistry, the answer might be zero and that's regardless of distance traveled by either party. Ultimately, the expense of the trip and the risk of ending up as nothing but casual friends is one that you both have to take in order to see if there is anything more there.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: First Meetings - 2/28/2013 6:21:15 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hollycheer91

I want to meet up with a dom who lives a ways away but am concerned with how the first meeting should/will go. Normally when first meeting anyone, dom or not, I like to get to know them in person first, since online or phone can be decieving. But I feel that may not be completely appropriate since it would be a really long (2000+ miles) way to go to meet someone...When meeting a dom you've met online and there is a distance barier, what occurs when you meet in person for the first time? Is the dominance immediate since you or they had to travel or do you still get to know each other first?


A person is just as likely to deceive you if they live 2000 miles away. If you wouldn't jump right into obeying someone normally, why would you do it then?

If anything being far away from home makes you more vulnerable.

My advice would be pay your own way so no one can try the guilt card ('I spent all that money on a plane ticket and you're not even gonna give me a bj?'). I would also get a hotel (or insists he does, if he comes to you) and not tell him where it is until you have met up a couple of times. That way you have a safe place to retreat to, so if you don't hit it off there's no awkwardness of him expecting you to share a bed. And make it clear ahead of time this is how it is going.

Even if someone travels 2000 miles for a visit, you owe them nothing other than to treat them with courtesy. You owe it to yourself to keep yourself safe and to choose a person who is worth listening to.

Say you get there and he's ten years older than he claimed, or he smells like he hasn't bathed in a month, or he turns out to have wife and kids but they're out of town, or he's wearing an ankle bracelet since he's on parole for assault... do you think you should just submit anyway, since it's been a long drive?

If the time or expense of traveling is not worth the risk of not getting on, then set yourself a firm limit that you don't get involved with anyone more than 3 hours drive away. (I realise in Wyoming that limits your options)

Holly - please understand I mean this in the nicest of ways. You come across as very naive in your posts. It makes me a little concerned for your safety. It sounds like someone behind the scenes is feeding you lines of crap about how 'real subs' behave. I hope I'm wrong. I was even younger than you when I got in my first D/s relationship, and that was with someone from a different country. I was pretty naive too, and things could have gone horribly wrong for me, but they didn't. I really hope you are just sounding these things out here and using them to make good, safe choices. If I were local, I'd be inviting you out for coffee so that we could chat and hopefully I could answer some questions for you. I think you really need a friend who has been there.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: First Meetings - 2/28/2013 6:32:40 AM   
MissBlueangel


Posts: 147
Joined: 6/28/2012
Status: offline 		I have just met a man for the first time on Tuesday.
He drove 6 hours to meet me which for this small isle is quite a way.
We drank coffee and talked and talked.
We never once mentioned D/s.
Get to know him as person first before a Master or Dom


_____________________________

Its only when you make me suffer that I feel safe and secure.
Pauline Reage
Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would chose pain
The Wild Palms by William Faulkner

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: First Meetings - 2/28/2013 6:41:26 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hollycheer91
Is the dominance immediate since you or they had to travel or do you still get to know each other first?

You are talking about D/s by agreement. That is to say, two roughly equal personalities come together and then they must agree to engage in a D/s dynamic. In that instance, there is no dominance until an agreement is made and I cannot imagine why on earth you'd give someone you don't know authority over you. Do you give your house keys to strangers also?

If it's more like when Carol and I met (vanilla) then that's a different story. For us it's just our native personalities so whatever happens happens instantly and automatically and cannot be either helped or hindered. In that case you just have a crap shoot.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: First Meetings - 2/28/2013 9:10:48 AM   
hollycheer91


Posts: 41
Status: offline 		Oh no, I would never put my safety in danger, but I have never met with someone that was so far away and wasn't sure it was appropriate to have a more "vanilla" meeting first. And if it led to more then fine and if not then fine. I have been in some d/s relationships before but never long distance, so was just inquiring.

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: First Meetings - 2/28/2013 9:52:30 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		It is more than just appropriate, it is sensible and very much the done thing. If I were the dom in question, I'd respect you for taking care of yourself and taking your time getting to know me. It would reassure me that you were mature and taking things seriously, instead of just throwing yourself in without thinking.

It's not just about physical safety either. It will save you a lot of weirdness and hurt feelings. The guy might not have any intention of harming you - most guys don't. But it will still be awkward and weird if you turn up and he expects you to do as he says, but you don't like him at all.

If the person you are hoping to meet expects you to submit without some vanilla face time, stay well away. At best, he is a clueless fantasist that things magically everything will be perfect (hint: even if you are a great match, it takes a while to figure out all the details and make things work) and at worst he is an ass who is going to try and use you.

Don't think that because you identify as a sub that your needs/safety/comfort don't matter. They absolutely do. And someone who starts pressuring you into things that don't seem right from the beginning, can not be trusted to take good care of you when you are tied up and helpless.

Also, if you go into it with the expectation that you are just going on a date and nothing more, you can always 'upgrade' to playing or a relationship. It will be much more uncomfortable if you both turn up expecting to play and one of you changes their mind.

It can go both ways too. How does he know you won't rob him, for example? Or what if you get there expecting fireworks and he doesn't like you? The rejection will hurt much more if you were expecting to become his slave than if you were just going on a date and it didn't turn out.

< Message edited by AthenaSurrenders -- 2/28/2013 9:53:16 AM >

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: First Meetings - 2/28/2013 10:04:49 AM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

In my honest opinion, dominance should never take place at a first meeting with anyone...regardless of whether they live right across the street from you or across the country. By all means, totally vanilla is completely appropriate! Do not think that because you or he traveled some distance to meet each other that somehow either of you owes something to the other. Both of you still have to develop trust in the other and that takes time. Or at least it should anyway. Give it time, play it safe, and let what happens happen.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: First Meetings - 2/28/2013 1:08:28 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		The person is either a dominant personality or they are not. Why pretend to feel submissive toward someone who has no dominant personality, who does not attract you?

The miles don't matter. Just make sure they understand that you are looking for something more than sex/play so don't expect any. Pay your own way completely. Have no expectations.



_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: First Meetings - 2/28/2013 1:30:13 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissBlueangel

Get to know him as person first before a Master or Dom


This.

Do the usual. Pay your way. Have your own ticket home, your own hotel (That he doesn't know the name/location of). Meet at Starbucks. Get a gauge for him, as a man, as a human being.
Take things from there.
But me, I'd get a feel for the person before I made that trip. A few miles, maybe the next state over is one thing-2,000 miles is a whole different deal.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to MissBlueangel)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: First Meetings - 2/28/2013 5:01:45 PM   
pig5lave


Posts: 35
Joined: 2/17/2013
Status: offline 		Good advice from all here; and just a thought - if you're going to travel 2000 odd miles to see this guy, I'd make damn sure you've talked plenty online and on the phone first, and got a pretty good idea you're going to like each other! But even then, go as suggested, with no expectations other than spending some safe vanilla time together and getting to know one another face to face.

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: First Meetings - 2/28/2013 6:13:32 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hollycheer91

I want to meet up with a dom who lives a ways away but am concerned with how the first meeting should/will go. Normally when first meeting anyone, dom or not, I like to get to know them in person first, since online or phone can be decieving. But I feel that may not be completely appropriate since it would be a really long (2000+ miles) way to go to meet someone...When meeting a dom you've met online and there is a distance barier, what occurs when you meet in person for the first time? Is the dominance immediate since you or they had to travel or do you still get to know each other first?


I will not commit to anything with a dominant until I have actually met her, face to face. One thing I learned a long time ago is that the appearance of chemistry between people meeting online does not guarantee that chemistry will be there when they meet in reality. Since I am currently unable to travel anywhere, I do not pursue the possibility of relationships with anybody who isn't physically near me.

Should I become able to travel in the future, I might then contact dominants who lived in a place I would like to live. However, since so many dominant women get so many bullshit messages from "travelling male submissives" I would, most likely go to the area, then get to know them as I'm deciding whether I want to stay there or not. However, since I'm a strong believer in local BDSM communities, I most likely would look to get to know them at local events, not so much on sites such as this and FL.

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: First Meetings - 2/28/2013 6:20:22 PM   
TheLilSquaw


Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

The person is either a dominant personality or they are not. Why pretend to feel submissive toward someone who has no dominant personality, who does not attract you?

The miles don't matter. Just make sure they understand that you are looking for something more than sex/play so don't expect any. Pay your own way completely. Have no expectations.




THIS.

I would also add. If you are planning on staying for several days to find things you could do on your own if you are simply not that into him or vice versa so you can make it a mini-vacation. No reason to waste a trip or time off IMO.




_____________________________

LilSquaw
Lifestyle & ProSwitch
Fetish Model, Producer, and Website Owner

http://www.clips4sale.com/69201
http://www.kinkbomb.com/studio/Sadistic_Babygirl_

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: First Meetings - 2/28/2013 6:41:41 PM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		the few times I met a dom online and went to see him. I was already his submissive and we were in a long distance online only till we met in real life relationship.


Now it's a hard and set in stone limit that i will not meet doms who are not local.

_____________________________

One world under lube with vibrators and dildo's for all! quote from the sex toy 101 book

(in reply to TheLilSquaw)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: First Meetings - 2/28/2013 8:09:18 PM   
muhly22222


Posts: 463
Joined: 3/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TheLilSquaw


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

The person is either a dominant personality or they are not. Why pretend to feel submissive toward someone who has no dominant personality, who does not attract you?

The miles don't matter. Just make sure they understand that you are looking for something more than sex/play so don't expect any. Pay your own way completely. Have no expectations.




THIS.

I would also add. If you are planning on staying for several days to find things you could do on your own if you are simply not that into him or vice versa so you can make it a mini-vacation. No reason to waste a trip or time off IMO.





I actually recently discussed something like this with a woman that I've been speaking with. We talked about each wanting to visit Washington, D.C. again (we've each been once, but it was a long time ago for each of us). So we talked about sometime, when we could both afford it, planning a week-long (or however long) trip to D.C. at the same time. We haven't discussed details (like hotel rooms, for instance), since it's just an idea that's floating out there right now.

The thinking behind it was just like what TheLilSquaw mentioned. If we found that we didn't enjoy each other's company, we could still take advantage of our vacation to go out and do things around town by ourselves. If we did enjoy spending time together, we could do those same things together.

Just because you have the hotel room doesn't mean you have to use it. If you meet with him and decide you want to go back to his house and play, there's nothing wrong with that.

(in reply to TheLilSquaw)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: First Meetings - 3/1/2013 4:35:23 AM   
hollycheer91


Posts: 41
Status: offline 		I love the mini-vacation idea! I never thought of that before... I wasn't up for the domination immediatly because I want to be sure the trust is in place first, and that is never clear, no matter how long you have talked online or over the phone, until after you have met and interacted (non-sexually) in person. I just didn't want to feel guilty if it should be expected. I know that is truly just dom specific because it would be between he and I, which has yet to be discussed but it is more just in the thought process for now. But I just wanted some opinions on what would be appropriate before moving forward. I do love the idea of meeting somewhere both of us want to go, so that way there are no hidden expectations and you go on your own if you want :D thanks all!

(in reply to muhly22222)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: First Meetings - 3/1/2013 6:55:55 AM   
Notsweet


Posts: 873
Joined: 6/11/2006
Status: offline 		Might be worthwhile to ask him to meet you halfway.

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: First Meetings - 3/1/2013 8:24:11 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hollycheer91
Oh no, I would never put my safety in danger, but I have never met with someone that was so far away and wasn't sure it was appropriate to have a more "vanilla" meeting first. And if it led to more then fine and if not then fine. I have been in some d/s relationships before but never long distance, so was just inquiring.

By "appropriate" I assume what you're referring to is the idea that if two people have invested enough to travel such a long distance in order to meet then SOMETHING(tm) ought to come of it, right?

The difference between your viewpoint and mine is what that something is. You're inserting "sex" there and I insert "meeting an interesting person".


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: First Meetings - 3/1/2013 9:46:29 AM   
Dyfrynt


Posts: 202
Joined: 4/19/2011
Status: offline 		You are putting a lot of thought into going such a distance to meet someone, which is a good thing! My question is have you considered the ramifications if it turned out the two of you are indeed compatible? Can you move to him? Can he move to you? Some may say this is putting the cart before the horse, but I do not think so. You are talking about a verrrry long distance. Far enough that it would be impractical, if not impossible to have a relationship that far apart. Why bother to meet if neither of you can get closer together.


(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 20
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