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Can it be dangerous to be in a Slave/ master relationship? - 3/1/2013 5:51:22 PM   
blondpinkb


Posts: 3
Joined: 2/27/2013
Status: offline 		Just wondering if anyone could help me out here? I am 6 years into BDSM, but have never done a complete Master/ Slave relationship before. Thanks.

My last relationship turned abusive, more than I wanted and my Dom took advatage of me, than I should of. My fault mostly not having a contract, but still, I want to prepare myself before I say complete yes to this Master/ Slave relationship.

Any thoughts/ comments would be greatly apprectiated.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Can it be dangerous to be in a Slave/ master relati... - 3/1/2013 6:06:42 PM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline 		An M/s relationship is no more and no less dangerous than ANY relationship.

When you say that your previous relationship turned abusive, I wonder if that relationship would have turned abusive without an M/s component.  Think about that please.

As to a contract - what makes you think that an abusive partner would say "Oh, wait... I have to check our contract to see if I can be abusive.  Damn!  It's right there in Sec. 6, paragraph 9. - no abuse"  DAMN!"

Yes, developing a contract with him might have brought out something that gave you a red-flag, but maybe not.  Life is NOT guareenteed, y'know?

CONGRATS on getting out of that relationship!  Many abused people have trouble leaving the abuser.

GOOD LUCK in your search.  Take this as a lesson learned.


< Message edited by LanceHughes -- 3/1/2013 6:07:48 PM >

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RE: Can it be dangerous to be in a Slave/ master relati... - 3/1/2013 6:29:34 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		How do you think a contract would have stopped him from being an abusive asshat?

It won't.

Pick a good partner and you don't have to worry. Pick bad partners and you do. Since you admit you have trouble picking good partners, get help becoming healthier so you won't be attracted to abusive partners.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Can it be dangerous to be in a Slave/ master relati... - 3/1/2013 7:00:13 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

A BDSM type of contract is not enforceable in any legal arena as far as I know. Now if the laws of your jurisdiction are violated, then that is actionable as far as law enforcement is concerned. But contract or no contract, its not going to prevent someone from being abusive. The only preventive measure from a dominant being a total douche canoe is the dominant him/herself. P.S. I loved the way you put it, Lance.

Kudos to you for getting out when you did. I think Lance and DesFIP gave great suggestions.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Can it be dangerous to be in a Slave/ master relati... - 3/1/2013 11:41:39 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		Jumping straight into M/s, for me, was never an option.

We started out vanilla - just doing normal dating stuff. We got to know each other as people, realised there was a definite spark there, and after about 3 months we started to gradually add D/s into our relationship.

More than a year after that, we realised things had changed and we were definitely more M/s (by our definition of M/s). So now he's the M, I'm the s.

Could we have done this right from the start? Hell no! Being in any kind of power exchange relationship takes trust on both sides. I need to trust him to take care of me, physically and emotionally. He needs to trust me that I'll be honest with him and give him the love and support he needs.

This level of trust takes a long time to build. Take it slow, and get to know the man before you get to know the Master.

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RE: Can it be dangerous to be in a Slave/ master relati... - 3/2/2013 3:58:10 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		It's not the BDSM that's the danger, it's the abuse, coupled with a person's inability to differentiate between the two.

Very often this inability is due to past abuse.

How can I speak with such authority? Been there, done that, have more than one tee-shirt.

Years and a great therapist later, I'm using those old tee-shirts for cleaning rags.

Which means I strongly admonish you to look long and hard as to why you *chose* to be in an abusive relationship to begin with, and to seek out professional help if you think there is even the slightest chance you could become embroiled in another.

BTW: That you came to a public forum to ask the question leads me to believe you have found another abuser under the guise of BDSM. The way you have framed your post tells me you don't understand your own role as a victim, and until you do, you are fated to repeat it.


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RE: Can it be dangerous to be in a Slave/ master relati... - 3/2/2013 4:02:07 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		If you feel you need a contract, you aren't ready for M/s.

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RE: Can it be dangerous to be in a Slave/ master relati... - 3/2/2013 7:00:13 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: blondpinkb

Just wondering if anyone could help me out here? I am 6 years into BDSM, but have never done a complete Master/ Slave relationship before. Thanks.

My last relationship turned abusive, more than I wanted and my Dom took advatage of me, than I should of. My fault mostly not having a contract, but still, I want to prepare myself before I say complete yes to this Master/ Slave relationship.

Any thoughts/ comments would be greatly apprectiated.


It's you. You chose poorly.

Pick better partners and it won't be an issue.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Can it be dangerous to be in a Slave/ master relati... - 3/2/2013 7:14:40 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		Yes... and depending on exactly what you mean by D/s and how you submit it can be quite dangerous.

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I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
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RE: Can it be dangerous to be in a Slave/ master relati... - 3/2/2013 7:32:16 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Instead of how, I'd have said who.


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Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Can it be dangerous to be in a Slave/ master relati... - 3/2/2013 8:23:17 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
Instead of how, I'd have said who.

Well, I could go with "in addition to".

In general though, giving away something like absolute authority to someone you barely know is a poor idea likely to generate poor results no matter how you submit.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Can it be dangerous to be in a Slave/ master relati... - 3/2/2013 8:35:09 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		How does a contract keep a partner from being abusive?

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RE: Can it be dangerous to be in a Slave/ master relati... - 3/2/2013 8:37:50 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I was trying to figure out the same thing, Katy.

I'm thinking that the OP would probably be better served by taking some time off from relationships and taking a long hard look at her own relationship and decision skills.

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Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Can it be dangerous to be in a Slave/ master relati... - 3/2/2013 8:42:23 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied
How does a contract keep a partner from being abusive?

It occurs to me that I was being rather opaque.

So OP, I agree. A contract does not protect you one iota. Here, in my opinion, is the actual path of significant danger. You make some open-ended decision to obey someone you don't know VERY, VERY well. That person then leads you down the primrose path one seemingly innocuous step at a time. Eventually you end up somewhere that you had no intention of ever getting. If you chose poorly then that destination is harmful to you and may be extraordinarily difficult and/or impossible to get out from.

That scenario is way more dangerous in my mind than simply a clutzy, selfish "master" demanding or doing something which is harmful in the short-term. A contract doesn't protect you from either scenario.

For the record, Carol and I married vanilla and nowhere in that contract was any mention of a RAFT of things I do nowadays. Her contract didn't protect her. What protects her is that I love the bejeebers out of her.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Can it be dangerous to be in a Slave/ master relati... - 3/2/2013 9:05:49 AM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		I second and third and fourth and so on everyone has said.

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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Can it be dangerous to be in a Slave/ master relati... - 3/2/2013 2:38:50 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Both of my BDSM relationships were/and are ones that i dove into , boots and all, with very little restraint.

However....... i spent 13 years in an abusive relationship, then 10 years alone while i figured out why i was in an abusive relationship, and how not to be there again. Three years of therapy while i was treated for co-dependency and i was ready................
and both of my relationships were/are fabulous, with men who were/are caring, thoughtful, careful, caring and all the other adjectives that are positive. That is not to say the relationships were perfect - but they were/are perfect for me. Our problems were problems that were able to be worked on and out. And both of my Sirs were willing and able to work on issues. Which is probably why our relationships were so wonderful.

anyway, OP, take what you will from my experiences...

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Can it be dangerous to be in a Slave/ master relati... - 3/2/2013 5:24:34 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline 		FR

A BDSM contract is not legally enforceable so it's not worth the paper it's printed on. Your fault was not in not having one, it was in choosing a dickweed for a dom.

Yes, a master/ slave relationship can be dangerous. That's why you need to be very careful about entering into one and get to know the dom WELL before making a commitment. Just because somebody has, or says he has, the same kinks as you does NOT mean that you and he are compatible. When considering a guy, consider this: If neither of you were kinky, if you were looking for a regular, vanilla relationship, would you be compatible? If not, then you won't be compatible with the kink either.

quote:

ORIGINAL: blondpinkb

Just wondering if anyone could help me out here? I am 6 years into BDSM, but have never done a complete Master/ Slave relationship before. Thanks.

My last relationship turned abusive, more than I wanted and my Dom took advatage of me, than I should of. My fault mostly not having a contract, but still, I want to prepare myself before I say complete yes to this Master/ Slave relationship.

Any thoughts/ comments would be greatly apprectiated.



(in reply to blondpinkb)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Can it be dangerous to be in a Slave/ master relati... - 3/2/2013 6:17:01 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		and i might add - if a dom goes further than you want, that would be your cue to hit him up the side of the head with the frying pan, tell him what an asshat he is, and leave.
The only person that can allow someone to take advantage of you - is you. So it can happen once, and after that you are consenting to it....

(in reply to HarryVanWinkle)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Can it be dangerous to be in a Slave/ master relati... - 3/2/2013 6:37:41 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Any relationship on the planet can be dangerous. Master/slave does not make it any different. It's the people involved, not the type.

I've been with Master for 7 years and have never felt safer and happy. It's not the type of relationship, it's Him in particular. I love and care for him and we are devoted to one another. If you are in a relationship and you feel afraid of that person or that it's dangerous, either get out of the relationship or/and seek therapy.


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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Can it be dangerous to be in a Slave/ master relati... - 3/2/2013 7:05:59 PM   
WebWanderer


Posts: 255
Joined: 5/20/2011
From: Fort Worth, TX
Status: offline 		Everything is dangerous to a certain degree. Drinking too much water can kill you. If somebody tickles you too much, you can hyperventilate and die. Hundreds of people die every year because they slip in their bathrooms. So yes, a Slave/master relationship can be dangerous, just like everything else in this world.

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Profile   Post #: 20
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