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RE: Very new - 3/4/2013 5:11:24 AM   
Khalli


Posts: 10
Joined: 3/3/2013
Status: offline 		Thanks for all the preaching and the fact that no one after my last reply bothered to heed the fact that i am re-examining this. Congratulations on your sanctimonious bullshit and your inability to HELP people truly understand what this is about. I will look for a site where my questions will be answered with CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, which I am more than open to. People just being assholes is not ok and not helpful. Again, thank you to the people who were kind enough to answer my questions and try and give me useable knowledge.

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Very new - 3/4/2013 5:15:51 AM   
Hillwilliam


Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Khalli

Thanks for all the preaching and the fact that no one after my last reply bothered to heed the fact that i am re-examining this. Congratulations on your sanctimonious bullshit and your inability to HELP people truly understand what this is about. I will look for a site where my questions will be answered with CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, which I am more than open to. People just being assholes is not ok and not helpful. Again, thank you to the people who were kind enough to answer my questions and try and give me useable knowledge.

I went thru this entire thread and, basically, all I saw was CONSTRUCTIVE criticism and concern for your physical and mental well being.
It may not have been what you wanted to hear but when a group of different people with over a century of combined RL experience pretty much all say the same thing, you might wish to listen.

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to Khalli)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Very new - 3/4/2013 5:42:09 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		I found the responses to be constructive as well, Hilly. It's just not what she wants to hear.

Khalli, that' s great you're going to reexamine the situation. Please re-read post #22 and post #30. You were given some solid advice in both posts.

Any dominant or master (whatever he wants to call himself) who has your best interests at heart is not going to expect you to instantly submit to him for hours on a first meet. His most important concern *should* be building rapport and trust. Can you how this man is not doing that?

You know, you were given the advice you were given not b/c a bunch of meanies wanted to be cruel to a random stranger on the internet. Many of us have been there, done that, and learned harsh lessons.

Please think of the many red flags this situation presents and consider not meeting him at all. B/c it's my considered opinion that your relationship with this man will at some point end in disaster -- for you.




< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 3/4/2013 5:43:37 AM >

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(in reply to Khalli)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Very new - 3/4/2013 7:46:54 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Very new - 3/4/2013 7:59:38 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I am a big believer in natural selection. You can let people know the facts but if they view it negatively I say let them have at it. If they succeed hopefully it will go on. If they fail, one less starry eyed, fantasy driven, horny know it all off the list.


_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Very new - 3/4/2013 8:39:27 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Khalli
Thanks for all the preaching and the fact that no one after my last reply bothered to heed the fact that i am re-examining this. Congratulations on your sanctimonious bullshit and your inability to HELP people truly understand what this is about. I will look for a site where my questions will be answered with CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, which I am more than open to. People just being assholes is not ok and not helpful. Again, thank you to the people who were kind enough to answer my questions and try and give me useable knowledge.

That's unfortunate that you feel that way. For the record I'm not against a quick fuck scenario. It isn't my cup o' tea but I acknowledge it may be yours. I'm also not against tops & bottoms. In point of fact I love my new culture because it embraces that more readily than what I saw in the US. But here's the gig... my #1 rule that I've deduced about BDSM:

Don't give authority to an asshat

The problem here is you don't know this guy yet you are offering up a lot of authority. Both you and he are (or were) showing every sign of trying to implement a fantasy (something akin to the Story of O -- I didn't pick that title out of the ether) in a real world experience. In general, my observation is that those who try to run their lives on the basis of cartoons and fiction seldom end up well. The obvious question is "what were you thinking?" And I mean that literally. Stop and think for a moment. You were planning on going to meet some near total stranger and make yourself very, very vulnerable to him. Why?

Now consider him for a moment. There's good reason I would never have said those things to you. For starters, doing so is a serious disservice to you as it trains you poorly. Even if I happen to be a stand-up sort of guy by doing this with you I teach you that it's OK to do so and it's not. The next guy down the road might not be as nice as me. Pay attention to how my brain is thinking in the future on your behalf. Note how his brain was not. I don't even know you or want to fuck you and I'm already spending more care and consideration on you than this other guy.

Next is this issue of demanding someone's submission. I do that sometimes but it isn't in the context of a relationship... not even a casual sex relationship. Those moments are battle moments for me and from them arises a winner and a loser and very little "fun". Then there's this little issue of how artificial such a thing is. It's a lot like demanding respect from someone. They may nod their head but REAL respect must be earned. I'm not saying this guy is a monster. I'm just saying that he's already demonstrated some unwise and uncaring actions and you ought to be looking at that with your real world glasses on.

If you'd been on these boards more you would know that I always laugh at the elaborate safety measures BDSM folk seem to need in order to do basic things like "meet another person". I routinely mock the posters who think you need 4 safe calls and a sniper on the roof in order to meet someone at a starbucks. I openly wonder how they manage to get through life at all in such a paranoid condition. In other words, this post here is way out of character for me. But you weren't planning on meeting someone for a vanilla "get to know you" conversation at Starbucks. You were planning on instant vulnerability to a stranger.

Let's go over that in slo-mo: You were planning on instant vulnerability to a stranger

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Khalli)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Very new - 3/4/2013 9:37:43 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		YOu are getting some good advice here. No candy coating.

See how you guys are!!! hahahha, pissing off people left and right.

ANyway, why does this guy have to PUSH I am dom, you meet a dom you know it, its in their pores, they dont have to talk about it. Their whole energy provokes it.
It might be just his way, but the ME DOM YOU SUB deal on a first meeting, I dont know, sounds like your gonna fuck me today whether you like it or not set up.

We all could be wrong, thats a fact Jack, and I hope we are. Be careful and remember you have the right to say no and trust your gut.

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I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

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Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Very new - 3/4/2013 9:53:28 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Khalli

I have found myself in a relationship with a Dom in a very strange series of events. It was not something I was even really aware I craved so badly.  I am going to be having my first session with him in a weeks time & am feeling anxious! Perfect submission is not expected, is it? He has been so good at answering my questions & allaying my fears, but I am looking for the opinion of other Doms familiar with very new submissives. My gratitude.


I've read through the thread and whether it's with this guy or some other guy, there's probably going to come a time where you do hook up with a dominant in the future and you're probably going to feel anxious and nervous no matter what. That's normal. You already have a cuddle guy so it's the primal stuff that's drawing you in and anxious and nervous can help fuel that sort of scene so rather than try to alleviate it, hell.. I'd be doing what I could to heighten it! You don't start fires by pouring water on the wood after all.

Over-all, when the time comes, I'd say don't worry too much about what's expected or going to happen.. you can talk through the stuff that's important for you safety and well-being, but try not to get so clinical or expectant about particular aspects and just try to go with the flow of the energy and have some fun.

Good luck.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to Khalli)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Very new - 3/4/2013 10:38:52 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I will let his words speak for me.

'very pleased with how it has gone and I want to be very clear with you about how our relationship will be over the course of who knows how many months just so we are both on the same page. When we meet next Saturday I will be coming to you in a very dominant frame of mind and from when that door opens you must be in a very submissive frame of mind and I truly believe you have embraced that as you have not strayed in our communications. What I want you to know is that during the 2 hours of our meeting, there will be absolutely no straying from those roles. There will be no pillow talk or balance of power where we become two normal people chatting. You will be subservient from start to finish.'


I made the mistake of doing something like this once. It was the only bad experience I've had with BDSM/meeting people from online in 17 years.

Now, I recommend that people never, ever skip the vanilla meeting.

You're getting the tough love because people don't want to see you returning here with a post about how he promised he would use a condom and didn't, or other violation of trust.





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Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to Khalli)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Very new - 3/4/2013 1:25:33 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		You people crack me up. I'd bet at least 1/2 of the women I've met from here on terms similar to these. And ya know what? Not only wasn't she complaining-she was fucking begging for it.
I get the safeguards and all that (And I encourage them) but shit, this is in many ways a sex singles site, for people who are trying to meet others.
And if I'm meeting a chica from here that I've talked to for a bit and we both know there is mutual interest...and the chemistry is flying, yeah, I tell em point blank, in advance, "If I like you, I'm gonna make a move on ya."
I mean, WTF else am I meeting em for, taking time out of my busy life, coughing up hard earned loot? I have a sexual interest in her. She may just have one in me. That's the fucking point of the meeting-to see if that electricity that flies online and through the phone translates to real life.
If it does, great. And if not, oh well. At least we didn't waste a whole lotta precious time finding that crucial little truth out.
Most of the time they ain't offended in the least. Cripes, the vast majority of the time you can almost hear the sigh of relief when they realized I would take charge. That shit turned em on too, make no mistakes about that.

Women are just as much sluts as men are dogs. Here and elsewhere.

Cackles madly.
Course, I once had one of those first meet chica's tell me, "You ooze domination," so maybe my experience is slightly different than the norm.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Very new - 3/4/2013 1:28:07 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl



P.S.-This is most excellent.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Very new - 3/4/2013 1:46:06 PM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline 		Yep. To all of that post.

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Very new - 3/4/2013 2:06:16 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		I so disagree with you about the meeting terms being similar. I can't imagine you saying such a thing:


When we meet next Saturday I will be coming to you in a very dominant frame of mind and from when that door opens you must be in a very submissive frame of mind and I truly believe you have embraced that as you have not strayed in our communications. What I want you to know is that during the 2 hours of our meeting, there will be absolutely no straying from those roles. There will be no pillow talk or balance of power where we become two normal people chatting. You will be subservient from start to finish.'

The OP took that little choice bit down, but another poster copied it.

He's saying, I'm going to do whatever I want with you, and I expect you to obey, no matter what you think. Or at least, that's how I interpret the above. The 'there will be no two normal people chatting' is just wrong in so many ways.

The purpose of the first meet is to get to know the other and determine if you have chemistry, not to be locked into roles. I've had sex on a first meet. But it was very clear to the man I was meeting that it would be *MY* choice.





_____________________________



(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Very new - 3/4/2013 2:08:14 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Yeah, I agree with Chatte. After all, what happens if you show up ready for kinky sex and it turns out the other person doesn't do it for you? It's basically agreeing to have kinky sex with someone, sight unseen.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Very new - 3/4/2013 2:15:52 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		Course, I once had one of those first meet chica's tell me, "You ooze domination," so maybe my experience is slightly different than the norm.
You do and that's gotta be a selling point for a lot of women, kinky or otherwise.

But there might also be the fact that you ooze "I'm not an asshat"

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Very new - 3/4/2013 2:33:09 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

Cackles madly.
Course, I once had one of those first meet chica's tell me, "You ooze domination," so maybe my experience is slightly different than the norm.


See, now I would just laugh if someone said that. I would never use the word "ooze" like that.

I might say, hmmmmm....you are pretty confident, aren't you?

But then again, it is you, Kana, so maybe you do "ooze". I guess lw can vouch for that!!! :)

As for the topic, sure, women are just as much sluts as men when they choose to be. I just find it ridiculous that the OP is talking to a guy who actually said you will be submissive for 2 hours.

Women don't need to hear that. When you said you tell a woman you may make a move on her, I don't need you to tell me that, I would just expect it. Too much talking about what someone will do sometimes short circuits the chemistry.

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Very new - 3/4/2013 3:32:14 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Yeah, I agree with Chatte. After all, what happens if you show up ready for kinky sex and it turns out the other person doesn't do it for you? It's basically agreeing to have kinky sex with someone, sight unseen.

Sure. But people can do lots of communicating first.As in lots. I'd wager there's more than a few people on here who've spent 100's, if not 1000's of hrs talking before they ever met.
Plus, and again, this is just me, I almost always meet em in public first, for precisely those reasons. Now, I ain't saying that I've never met a gal under similar circumstances-I can think of at least one time a gal met me in an airport wearing a London Fog, lingerie, heels, a collar and nothing else.
But generally speaking, if I like a gal and am meeting her with intent, I let her know exactly who I am, what I'm about, what I like and expect in a bound interaction, and how I interact with a partner, in advance. And I make sure she knows that I'm meeting her with intent..and that if sparks fly I'm gonna be trying to seduce her.
No games. No secrets. No hidden agendas.
Just straight up.
And if she don't like it, hell, there's lots of other guys out there. No skin offa my back. There's lotsa gals out there too.

I suppose right about here I'll mention that I almost never fuck on first meet (And I tell em that up front too). Oooh, I'll play with em if the mood strikes, turn em on, get em all riled up, but I rarely actually have intercourse.
Maybe a hummer, and that's far more the exception to the rule.
Of course the kicker is that 9 times outta 10, she's the one begging, groveling, pleading with me to fuck her while I'm the one who is in control of my sexual organ.

And God help her if she shows up doing the whole I'm being careful and non slutty thing. I'll leave her regretting she ever wore those panties. I'll have her begging me to peel em off of her, hating the decision to wear em,vowing never ever again to wear such obstacles in my presence.
I use shit like that as a weapon against her, use it to wage war on her with her own wanton desires as my weapon of choice.
I'll caress her neck, run my hands all over her, whisper in her ear all the things I'm going to do with her as I nibble her lobe. I'll lick lightly at that spot on the back of her neck. Run my finger ooooh so lightly across her vulva, so soft its not even a touch, more like a whispered promise. Slide strong hands down the insides of her thighs. Pull back, brings my palms up her body til I can trace the underside of her breasts. Lightly make circles round her nipples. I'll use hands, tongue, heart, words, wit, wisdom and wile to turn her into an incendiary device, get way deep in her head, her heart, start wandering into her soul.
Commence the journey to possibly, hopefully making her all the fucking way mine.
Lock, stock, twat.

I don't want her to ever forget the night she met my evil ass. I wanna rock her world inside out and upside down, leave her a trembling, shaking, soaking hot mess.

Yeah, that's some good shit there.


_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Very new - 3/4/2013 3:51:34 PM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline 		I just forwarded this post to a friend with a copy I can save. You deserve an award for this one, Kana.

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Very new - 3/4/2013 5:20:30 PM   
SomethingCatchy


Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline 		*whines* That's not fair, Kana. You're reminding me of the night I met someone's evil ass and I still can't get the details out of my head 6 years later. That kind of experience is most likely once in a lifetime, since deliciously terrible men don't grow on trees or want much to do with married women.

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I believe in Invisible Pink Unicorns

Everyone is gay for Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Very new - 3/4/2013 7:09:30 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
I can tell you that if someone expected that at the very first meeting, there would be no first meeting.

Oh yeah... I'm with you on that!

But I have to acknowledge that there's this whole other world out there where "submission" means "kinky sex on the receiving end" and "full submission" means "she took it up the ass". I mean... he even talks in terms of "roles" so this isn't what I mean when I say "dominant". I think we have a kinky chick who going to have some good, dirty fun on a fling.


And then take it up the ass!

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 60
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