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Heavenly1 -> to Strong (3/11/2013 8:06:48 PM)

I have been told by several that I am to strong and need to let go of that as it is unpleasant. I will admit a lot of my strength is a defense to protect me which I have had to have there for many years. I know that's not always good but it is how I have protected me. Now how to let it go, I am sure a lot of it will lower and disappear when the trust or comfort it built with the Dom. But so many times I get told "your not sub your switch or domme cuz your to strong".

so my question is how do I let it go but still protect me?



OsideGirl -> RE: to Strong (3/11/2013 8:16:52 PM)

I'm an alpha personality. There's a ton of Doms that would tell you that I'm not submissive because I'm independent, strong, self sufficient, don't tolerate BS, and tend to take control. I come from the school of thought that if you want something done right, do it yourself.

I'm all of that until I meet someone more alpha than I am. Someone that I feel I can trust to make the right decisions and do what is best for us.

That feeling of comfort doesn't happen overnight and it will take time. It will take time until the trust grows to that level. If someone isn't willing to put in the time or effort, I would suggest you keep looking.



littlewonder -> RE: to Strong (3/11/2013 8:24:15 PM)

If you want to actually let go of it and you see it as a negative in your life then there are a few ways you can help to get rid of it.

1. Meditation. Pray. Volunteer. Do things that will quiet your mind. Do something where you can find some empathy such as volunteering. Ask yourself what's the worst that can happen by letting go? More people will like you? Men might find you more attractive? When someone tears down their walls, they can finally be themselves.

2. Therapy. If you want to help yourself and number 1 ain't doing it then see a therapist or a life coach who can help you.

3. Or if you're happy with the way you are and you have no desire to change that, then don't.

Be comfortable with yourself. Do you feel comfortable with yourself? It's an important question to ask yourself.

ETA: If you have staggering mountains for walls because of a failed relationship, then imo, you're not yet ready to be in another relationship. Do not take out on others because of your past. It's not attractive and will immediately cause both you and the other person in irreparable damage.



FrostedFlake -> RE: to Strong (3/11/2013 8:38:58 PM)

"If you were different, I'd like you."

It sounds better when you coat it with sugar, doesn't it?



Heavenly1 -> RE: to Strong (3/11/2013 8:52:05 PM)

well I am all of that have been for awhile but I don't think of myself as nasty or unlikeable, only when I feel cornered do I come out swinging.

thanks everyone for your advice, I am actually tired of holding that wall, just gotta be comfortable to let it down gradually.



ARIES83 -> RE: to Strong (3/11/2013 10:36:32 PM)

What I get out of what you describe isn't strength.
You may be wilfully or capable which can be
strengths but let me put it to you, that acting a
certain way out of fear isn't strength, it may not
necessarily be weakness either, but openness will
always require more "strength" than throwing up
walls, a wall is something you put between yourself
and something you can't/don't want to deal with.

***P.S.
My opinion of "how to lower it" has already been
said, here:
quote:

I am sure a lot of it will lower and disappear when the trust or comfort is built with the Dom.

When you find the right person, the walls will
sort themselves out. [;)]***



absolutchocolat -> RE: to Strong (3/11/2013 10:53:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83

What I get out of what you describe isn't strength.
You may be wilfully or capable which can be
strengths but let me put it to you, that acting a
certain way out of fear isn't strength, it may not
necessarily be weakness either, but openness will
always require more "strength" than throwing up
walls, a wall is something you put between yourself
and something you can't/don't want to deal with.


QFT. Also, if you need to water down who you are to get a mate, then the person is probably not worth the time and effort.



sexyred1 -> RE: to Strong (3/11/2013 11:12:33 PM)

If someone says you are too strong, consider them too weak for you to bother with.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: to Strong (3/12/2013 2:00:11 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

If someone says you are too strong, consider them too weak for you to bother with.


QFT

I can't imagine strength ever being a bad quality in a partner. Strength is needed if you are going to get through all the crap life throws at you. Wanting a weak partner would be a red flag for me - the only reason I can see you wanting someone weak is if you intend to take advantage of them.

I wonder if instead of 'too strong' this guy meant 'too hard to manipulate' or 'you can't be a true sub because you didn't instantly drop to your knees and suck my cock the first time we met'.

We all have a vulnerable side and it's natural that you want to wait and get comfortable with someone before you let your guard down. If you don't feel it with someone, there's nothing you can do to force it - he's just not the one.



ARIES83 -> RE: to Strong (3/12/2013 2:59:35 AM)

quote:

AthenaSurrenders,
I can't imagine strength ever being a bad quality in a partner. Strength is needed if you are going to get through all the crap life throws at you.



We all have a vulnerable side and it's natural that you want to wait and get comfortable with someone before you let your guard down. If you don't feel it with someone, there's nothing you can do to force it - he's just not the one.


QFT,
Strength is an attractive trait.



lizi -> RE: to Strong (3/12/2013 3:38:29 AM)

Unless what the OP is talking about isn't strength and is defensiveness. In which case, I'd decline to become involved, and have. Defensiveness is not attractive or productive. If she's been told her "strength" is unpleasant I'd be inclined to think that what others are talking about is her defensiveness, especially since she says it's always protected her. Some people use it as a shield.

Only you know OP what is going on- if it's an attractive and useful trait or it's holding you back.



DarkSteven -> RE: to Strong (3/12/2013 3:56:20 AM)

If a Dom tells you that, it says two things.

1. You're not compatible.
2. He's pushing the fault onto you.

If you want to continue, ask him what HE is going to do about it. You seem to think that YOU need to address it, but hey - he's the Dom, right?



Heavenly1 -> RE: to Strong (3/12/2013 7:28:27 AM)

thanks everyone for your input. I don't consider myself strong as in the sense I refuse to do things, it is quite the opposite we I speak to them on phone and they come off instantly with orders that's when my strength comes out. but lately many have said that's no very submissive, but how would they know without really getting to know me.



JeffBC -> RE: to Strong (3/12/2013 7:35:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Heavenly1
so my question is how do I let it go but still protect me?

"Too strong?" That reminds me of Carol telling me that she was "too nice". That's before we knew about D/s and knew the right word as "submissive" not "nice".

So stop and think... how can someone be "too strong". That's like being "too rich". I'm going to guess that what they are really saying is "too dominant" not "too strong". It'll help if you understand clearly that it isn't "strength" you need to let go of. One possible answer to this is simply to find more dominant men who don't have this issue with you. The other possible thing to consider is much like I asked Carol to consider, eg:

"Is it really that you are too submissive or is it that you are submissive in the wrong ways to the wrong people at the wrong times? I'd urge you to think about inappropriately submissive rather than too much or too little".



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: to Strong (3/12/2013 8:35:03 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Heavenly1

thanks everyone for your input. I don't consider myself strong as in the sense I refuse to do things, it is quite the opposite we I speak to them on phone and they come off instantly with orders that's when my strength comes out. but lately many have said that's no very submissive, but how would they know without really getting to know me.


OK, it sounds like you've just come across some clueless wannabes who think that because they go by 'dom' and you go by 'sub' they can start taking control and bossing you about (I'm going to guess these were largely sexual orders?) right off the bat.

It's not about being too strong, it's that you set up a boundary for yourself that they didn't like. It's completely appropriate to not submit to a person until you are sure that a) you are interested in them and b) they are not as asshole. If you're not comfortable with someone yet, you are right to refuse to obey and if they are pushing you or pulling the 'no true sub' crap, then at least they have shown you up front that they're not right for you.



OsideGirl -> RE: to Strong (3/12/2013 8:35:45 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Heavenly1.

but lately many have said that's not very submissive, but how would they know without really getting to know me.


They don't know. It's a form of blackmail that many women in BDSM D/s fall for. By telling you that you're not submissive, they're hoping that you'll be eager to prove that you are by giving in and doing what they want.

Those guys aren't Doms, they're just wankers.



Kana -> RE: to Strong (3/12/2013 11:47:06 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Heavenly1

I have been told by several that I am to strong and need to let go of that as it is unpleasant. I will admit a lot of my strength is a defense to protect me which I have had to have there for many years. I know that's not always good but it is how I have protected me. Now how to let it go, I am sure a lot of it will lower and disappear when the trust or comfort it built with the Dom. But so many times I get told "your not sub your switch or domme cuz your to strong".

so my question is how do I let it go but still protect me?

Be yourself. When the right guy comes, he'll cherish you for who you are, not what you aren't. The letting go will come then too, when you realize that you don't need to be strong to fight him,because there's no need or desire to fight but rather to be held.
And creating that environment, building that atmosphere where trust can grow, yeah, that's on him.

And purely as an incidental, anyone who degrades strength in a submissive or slave is telling you right out of the gate they don't know shit. They failed the litmus test before the game ever started.
It takes a ton of strength to fully serve, to give all you have to another, to live a life of accountability and discipline where needs may be placed secondary to those of another. And that's fucking awesome. When I meet a gal, I want her to have some serious steel in her, know she can stand the trials and tribulations that are sure to come with life's storms.
Grins.
Besides, how much joy is there in conquering/enticing/enslaving a weak small minded sycophant. Where's the challenge and thrill in that?
But taking a strong, vibrant, fiery, independent woman and reducing her to a puddle of groveling, begging cum-now there's a tonic heady enough to be worth drinking deeply of indeed.



Hillwilliam -> RE: to Strong (3/12/2013 11:54:10 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Heavenly1

I have been told by several that I am to strong and need to let go of that as it is unpleasant. I will admit a lot of my strength is a defense to protect me which I have had to have there for many years. I know that's not always good but it is how I have protected me. Now how to let it go, I am sure a lot of it will lower and disappear when the trust or comfort it built with the Dom. But so many times I get told "your not sub your switch or domme cuz your to strong".

so my question is how do I let it go but still protect me?


If someone says you're "Too Strong" that just means you're too strong "for them".
Don't change. Be yourself.
You'll find the right one.
I don't consider myself to be an UberDom at all but in the past I had a hell of a strong sub. I even had someone say "she isn't really a sub". (sound familiar?)
I just looked and said "she is to me".
All that matters is how you and that other special person interact. Screw the rest of the world, all the WEAL TWUE WAYERS and their opinions. If you and yours are happy, that's all that counts.



OsideGirl -> RE: to Strong (3/12/2013 12:12:12 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

Be yourself. When the right guy comes, he'll cherish you for who you are, not what you aren't. The letting go will come then too, when you realize that you don't need to be strong to fight him,because there's no need or desire to fight but rather to be held.
And creating that environment, building that atmosphere where trust can grow, yeah, that's on him.


That's exactly how it is with us. Thank you, Kana. You said it better than I did.

And allow me to say how amazing it is to be with someone that inspires me to relax and let go of the need/want to control.



kalikshama -> RE: to Strong (3/12/2013 12:26:56 PM)

quote:

only when I feel cornered do I come out swinging.


quote:

I speak to them on phone and they come off instantly with orders that's when my strength comes out.


I can't tell if you are setting healthy boundaries in an appropriate way or being aggressively defensive. But in general, I laugh at "Doms" who attempt to give me instructions before we're at that stage in our relationship, which definitely does not come before meeting in real life and deciding we want a dynamic.



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