What did I say?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

What did I say?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> What did I say?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

What did I say? - 3/15/2013 12:31:02 AM

TheWriter13

Posts: 77
Joined: 6/29/2012
Status: offline

My girlfriend freaked out on me when I told her fantasy about tying her up and gagging her and cutting her clothes with a knife off slowly so that I can have sex with her. She called me a sick freak even though I did warn her that my fantasy was on the dark side. Her idea of fun is candles and a romantic night on the beach lately she has been returning any of my calls. I get her last boyfriend wasn't a nice guy and she's still not over some of the things he did to her but I think that this is a bit of a over reaction.

_____________________________

Men have called me mad; but the question is not settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest of intelligence...-Edgar Allan Poe

Post #: 1

RE: What did I say? - 3/15/2013 3:32:47 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

It's not an overreaction according to her, why are you downplaying her reaction by trying to dismiss it? Why are you subtly criticizing her by saying she likes candles and moonlight...what's wrong with that? Do you get more points in your eyes by being "dark" and she gets less by being fluffy? Just because you have this fantasy doesn't mean you get to drop it in her lap and she's supposed to magically be ok with it. Why are the two of you together if you don't match up too well in intimate areas?

I get that it might have felt like she was rejecting you by freaking out, but you're missing the chance here to get closer to her by refusing to acknowledge what she was upfront about. I can't stand it when people tell me how I should feel, I have the feelings I have, no one else dictates them to me. She's had a reaction, figure out why instead of trying to get her to backpedal.

You feel its a bit of an overreaction, she doesn't. She's not returning your calls so does it matter if you think this is overreacting on her part? The result is that she's feeling what she does, you aren't going to make any points by getting through to her and then saying that she's going about this all wrong. Leave her a message and say you're sorry for upsetting her and you care for her and would love the chance to talk. No whiffs of putting any blame on her, or of making it look like she's an amateur if you want to be able to proceed with her.

Next time figure out more about your partner first, and if they'd be receptive. You went way over the line to the point where she slammed the door in your face, how did you miss that about her that she's not interested in the type of thing that you told her and in fact it triggered her into flight? Or weren't you paying attention?

(in reply to TheWriter13)

Post #: 2

RE: What did I say? - 3/15/2013 5:13:36 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheWriter13

I think that this is a bit of a over reaction.

Irrelevant.

If there's an interplay between the two of you, then you as the Dom need to own it. As the Dom, you're supposed to be in control, driving things. You need to acknowledge that there are times you'll screw up, and that it's your responsibility to avoid that. Also, that you try to learn from errors.

You're using her prior experience as a reason she "overreacted", NOT as a reason you handled things differently.

So... how should you have done things differently? You NEED to answer that question if you'll learn.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to TheWriter13)

Post #: 3

RE: What did I say? - 3/15/2013 5:16:08 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheWriter13
My girlfriend freaked out on me when I told her fantasy about tying her up and gagging her and cutting her clothes with a knife off slowly so that I can have sex with her...I think that this is a bit of a over reaction.

You do? Then I think it's probably appropriate you don't have a girlfriend. I'd recommend avoiding getting one until you understand why this was not an over-reaction.

You blew it. You need to understand why and how. You need to avoid blame shifting or you won't ever learn.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to TheWriter13)

Post #: 4

RE: What did I say? - 3/15/2013 6:00:31 AM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

I don't know why you feel that this is an overreaction. You should think about how this all sounds from the ears of someone who isn't into that sort of thing. What does it matter that she likes candles and moonlight? Are we supposed to be jumping in going "oh, she's just not awesome and kinky enough?" =p

It's sad that you feel the need to dismiss and devalue your feelings and her response, rather than try to understand why she feels the way she does. It's probably for her best interest to not answer your calls at this point.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 5

RE: What did I say? - 3/15/2013 6:37:46 AM

HisPet21

Posts: 395
Status: offline

It seems to me that your girlfriend really and truly believes that you are a "sick freak" for having the fantasies that you do, and is taking measures (i.e. not answering your phone calls) to avoid you in light of this new situation. She may very well be terrified of you, thinking that it's impossible to have sadistic tendencies without being dangerous (i.e. a serial killer waiting to happen). A lot of people feel that way, and would have had the same reaction to your confession. Would it be nice if, instead, your girlfriend said, "Well, you and I obviously have different sexual tastes, and I don't think we are compatible. Good look and all, but I need to break things off." Yeah, it would have. But people have different ways of approaching their fears, and running off into the sunset without a trace is one of them. You are just going to have to accept that the person you've been dating isn't compatible with you on a sexual level, and move on to someone who is. Since she isn't answering your calls, I'd just leave a POLITE text message along the lines of: "I'm sorry for scaring you. I assure you, that wasn't my intention. But given your avid avoidance of me, I can see that you no longer have an interest in our relationship and we seem to be incompatible. I enjoyed the time we had together, but I think it's best that we go our separate ways."

Was the gf over reacting? Eh...Her emotions are certainly legitimate given her apparent level of fear, and she is entitled to be freaked out. But I still think the way she handled that fear was a tad immature. The rational approach for her would have been to own up to that fear, admit it, and accept gracefully that it makes the two of you incompatible. Rather than, you know, calling someone a sick freak and running away. But what are you gonna do? People will be people...

quote:

Next time figure out more about your partner first, and if they'd be receptive.

This is actually a lot harder to do in real life than it sounds. When I told the boyfriend about my kinks, I was actually pretty sure he would flip out and possible say goodbye. He could be a really shy, gentle guy and had never expressed any sort of interest in BDSM before I came along. He was also raised in a very conservative household (by my standards, btw). And my personality is more aggressive than his outside the bedroom, so I wasn't sure he'd go for the whole "topping deal." But I talked to him about my kinks anyway, because we seemed to be compatible on a lot of other levels and I wanted to know if we even had a shot at being sexually compatible as well. If he ran from the room screaming, I'd have had my answer and that would be that.

Breaking out is about communicating your needs to see if you two are compatible. I don't see why it's so important to figure out if your partner will be "receptive" to your needs or not. If they have a traumatic past or if you are already in a committed relationship, then okay. I can see how the manner in which you express this need (BDSM related kinks) might be very important. But if you are just dating? Who cares if the date isn't receptive? Then you know that things won't work out, and you can move on.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 6

RE: What did I say? - 3/15/2013 6:41:11 AM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline

FR

So, essentially, you told your vanilla girlfriend that you have a kidnap/rape fantasy and are surprised that she didn't jump up and down clapping her hands for joy? Were you dropped on your head as a baby or something?

Depending on how long you were together (i.e., did you drop this in her lap after a few months of vanilla dating or after a few years together), I wouldn't blame her for thinking she might not be that safe with you, particularly if her last relationship was abusive.

< Message edited by searching4mysir -- 3/15/2013 6:42:25 AM >

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM

(in reply to HisPet21)

Post #: 7

RE: What did I say? - 3/15/2013 6:49:04 AM

HisPet21

Posts: 395
Status: offline

quote:

Depending on how long you were together (i.e., did you drop this in her lap after a few months of vanilla dating or after a few years together), I wouldn't blame her for thinking she might not be that safe with you.

Now THAT is an excellent point. You definitely shouldn't be dropping a bomb like your "darkest fantasies" on someone who is still just getting to know you. If you've barely begun a relationship, she may not trust you enough to take in that sort of information without freaking out. Plus, anyone who says "I'd like to rape you" in the first month clearly has no sense of emotional/social boundaries, and is potantially dangerous.

(in reply to searching4mysir)

Post #: 8

RE: What did I say? - 3/15/2013 7:06:58 AM

leonine

Posts: 409
Joined: 11/3/2009
From: [email protected]
Status: offline

There are plenty of ways to feel out whether someone is receptive to kinky ideas. With my first gf, since she was already into strange and kitschy art books, I had an excuse to show her some of my bondage comics; and when she shrugged it off as looking a bit silly, I had my answer. With my second, I tried holding her arms against the wall or behind her when we kissed; and when she got more excited the more force I used, I reckoned it was a safe bet to try tying her wrists the next time we fucked. (It worked, to put it very mildly.)

Did you have any reason to think she'd respond well to these fantasies? Or had you just read too much porn where the girl responds to the most extreme suggestions by going wide-eyes and breathless and saying "Oh my God, I always wanted that!" Yes, that can happen, and you can win a million on the Lottery: but don't count on it, and don't feel cheated when your long shot doesn't win.

_____________________________

Leo9

Gonna pack in my hand, pick up on a piece of land and build myself a cabin in the woods.
It's there I'm gonna stay, until there comes a day when this old world starts a-changing for the good.
- James Taylor

(in reply to HisPet21)

Post #: 9

RE: What did I say? - 3/15/2013 8:16:28 AM

Baroana

Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline

Not true on this site of course, but I'm reminded of the words of Bill Maher:

"Ladies, there is no such thing as shared fantasies. Yours bore us, ours offend you.

(in reply to leonine)

Post #: 10

RE: What did I say? - 3/15/2013 8:39:13 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Is the girlfriend also aware that you are booking pro sessions?

OP, I have to tell you. I'm not sure why people do this. The deal about trying to introduce heavier scenes to somebody who probably isn't terribly kinky in the first place and you want it all in one gigantic leap. Not being willing to take the time to introduce various elements slowly.

What did you say? In her language you said, "I want to incapacitate you, make sure that you can't be heard when you are in danger, and possess a weapon that will be sharp enough to slit your throat." That may not be the words that you used, but I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that's what she heard.

Pretty dumb move on your part because now that's what she's going to hear in her head even if you wanted to simply tie her wrists with some silk scarves.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Baroana)

Post #: 11

RE: What did I say? - 3/15/2013 9:31:07 AM

Baroana

Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline

0P, I hope you are not as mentally unstable as the writing in your profile implies.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 12

RE: What did I say? - 3/15/2013 10:24:52 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

I'm a masochist who has been in an M/s relationship for 3 years, with about another 7 years of 'play' behind me.

And yet if someone mentioned the word 'knife' as part of a fantasy I'd probably react in the say way as your gf.

Why?

Because a few years ago I met a real sick freak who had a knife. The nightmares are pretty much gone now, but knives are a hard limit. My reaction to any suggestion of play with knives (even just using them to cut off clothes) would see me react in a similar way to your gf.

Have you thought that perhaps your gf has had a negative experience with knives? Or rope? Or gags? Or maybe all 3?

It's one perspective to ponder, along with all of the other excellent points made by other posters.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to TheWriter13)

Post #: 13

RE: What did I say? - 3/15/2013 12:20:19 PM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

~FRing it~

You dropped a bomb on your girlfriend, OP. She freaked the hell out and is avoiding you now because of it. You might think she is "overreacting," but what honestly did you expect to happen? You go slow with stuff like that, especially with someone who obviously doesn't share your mindset. You don't come in guns blazing and then scratch your head puzzled over why the person is hauling ass away from you

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 14

RE: What did I say? - 3/15/2013 12:23:31 PM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheWriter13

My girlfriend freaked out on me when I told her fantasy about tying her up and gagging her and cutting her clothes with a knife off slowly so that I can have sex with her. She called me a sick freak even though I did warn her that my fantasy was on the dark side. Her idea of fun is candles and a romantic night on the beach lately she has been returning any of my calls. I get her last boyfriend wasn't a nice guy and she's still not over some of the things he did to her but I think that this is a bit of a over reaction.

This is a woman that has been through some sort of traumatic experience at the hands of a man she was supposed to be safe with. She will always be on alert for signs of danger - it's a self preservation thing. The things you said (possibly combined with the way you said them, how long you had been together, your general behaviour in the relationship, body language or an number of other things) hit her 'danger' sensor.

You know that you're a great guy, you'd never harm her, you care for her etc etc. So from your point of view it was an overreaction. From her point of view, it was not. Her need to keep herself safe, mentally and physically, comes before your hurt feelings. She doesn't know that you aren't a threat to her safety. Maybe that's a case of you misreading her, underestimating the effects of what she has been through, or just bringing it up too soon in the relationship for her to know and trust that you're safe. It may be that this kind of thing, even as strictly fantasy, will never feel safe to her. It doesn't really make much difference at this point, and without being a fly on the wall none of us can tell you exactly why it went so wrong.

It really makes no difference what types of fantasies she has. You made an alarm sound somewhere in her head that said she wasn't safe, and rather than sticking around to find out (and risking something horrible happening if you did turn out to be a dangerous man) she fled. Sucks that your feelings got hurt (and I mean that genuinely) but her right to protect herself from perceived danger overrides your right to not have your feelings hurt. From her point of view, she had a lot more to lose (serious injury/abuse/rape/death) than you did (feeling rejection/humiliation).

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to TheWriter13)

Post #: 15

RE: What did I say? - 3/15/2013 12:49:57 PM

TheWriter13

Posts: 77
Joined: 6/29/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

I'm a masochist who has been in an M/s relationship for 3 years, with about another 7 years of 'play' behind me.

And yet if someone mentioned the word 'knife' as part of a fantasy I'd probably react in the say way as your gf.

Why?

Because a few years ago I met a real sick freak who had a knife. The nightmares are pretty much gone now, but knives are a hard limit. My reaction to any suggestion of play with knives (even just using them to cut off clothes) would see me react in a similar way to your gf.

Have you thought that perhaps your gf has had a negative experience with knives? Or rope? Or gags? Or maybe all 3?

It's one perspective to ponder, along with all of the other excellent points made by other posters.

Well I've mentioned stuff like this before and she's seemed okay with it. Once she even said she liked the idea of being choked now was I into it no. But did I start freaking out screaming "Get the hell out!" Honestly we've watched movies where a guy cuts a girl's shirt off and she seemed into it. One minute we were having a polite conversation and she's like "Hey what would really turn you on?"

It's been a while since we talked and I'm starting to think she was just looking for a reason to break up with me further more she's the one that got me into the rough stuff.

_____________________________

Men have called me mad; but the question is not settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest of intelligence...-Edgar Allan Poe

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 16

RE: What did I say? - 3/15/2013 12:56:45 PM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheWriter13

quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

I'm a masochist who has been in an M/s relationship for 3 years, with about another 7 years of 'play' behind me.

And yet if someone mentioned the word 'knife' as part of a fantasy I'd probably react in the say way as your gf.

Why?

Because a few years ago I met a real sick freak who had a knife. The nightmares are pretty much gone now, but knives are a hard limit. My reaction to any suggestion of play with knives (even just using them to cut off clothes) would see me react in a similar way to your gf.

Have you thought that perhaps your gf has had a negative experience with knives? Or rope? Or gags? Or maybe all 3?

It's one perspective to ponder, along with all of the other excellent points made by other posters.

Well I've mentioned stuff like this before and she's seemed okay with it. Once she even said she liked the idea of being choked now was I into it no. But did I start freaking out screaming "Get the hell out!" Honestly we've watched movies where a guy cuts a girl's shirt off and she seemed into it. One minute we were having a polite conversation and she's like "Hey what would really turn you on?"

It's been a while since we talked and I'm starting to think she was just looking for a reason to break up with me further more she's the one that got me into the rough stuff.

Sure, but if she likes being choked, that doesn't pose a potential threat to you. And a movie is distant and safe, whereas a boyfriend wanting to do the same things has potential consequences. Ultimately, you scared her. Perhaps it hit some trigger you couldn't possibly have known was there, and perhaps you weren't to blame at all. But she was scared, and not without reason since she's apparently had bad experiences before.

Maybe she was just looking for an excuse, who knows. But as upsetting as it must have been for you, her reaction doesn't sound that bizarre to me.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to TheWriter13)

Post #: 17

RE: What did I say? - 3/15/2013 2:01:01 PM

FrostedFlake

Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline

I wasn't in the same room with you at the time so it is difficult for me to be sure but I am thinking the scary part was being in the same room with you at the time.

To put that another way : Trust...

...is pretty important.

ETA : This seems an odd question.

< Message edited by FrostedFlake -- 3/15/2013 2:02:36 PM >

_____________________________

Frosted Flake
simul justus et peccator
Einen Liebhaber, und halten Sie die Schraube

"... evil (and hilarious) !!" Hlen5

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 18

RE: What did I say? - 3/15/2013 3:32:41 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Holy smokes man..
If it has been a while since you talked it is apparent that there is some distance between you. If you think she was looking for a reason to break up you MORE than gave her one by telling her you want to tie her up and come at her with a knife.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheWriter13

It's been a while since we talked and I'm starting to think she was just looking for a reason to break up with me further more she's the one that got me into the rough stuff.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to TheWriter13)

Post #: 19

RE: What did I say? - 3/15/2013 4:43:48 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheWriter13

quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

I'm a masochist who has been in an M/s relationship for 3 years, with about another 7 years of 'play' behind me.

And yet if someone mentioned the word 'knife' as part of a fantasy I'd probably react in the say way as your gf.

Why?

Because a few years ago I met a real sick freak who had a knife. The nightmares are pretty much gone now, but knives are a hard limit. My reaction to any suggestion of play with knives (even just using them to cut off clothes) would see me react in a similar way to your gf.

Have you thought that perhaps your gf has had a negative experience with knives? Or rope? Or gags? Or maybe all 3?

It's one perspective to ponder, along with all of the other excellent points made by other posters.

Well I've mentioned stuff like this before and she's seemed okay with it. Once she even said she liked the idea of being choked now was I into it no. But did I start freaking out screaming "Get the hell out!" Honestly we've watched movies where a guy cuts a girl's shirt off and she seemed into it. One minute we were having a polite conversation and she's like "Hey what would really turn you on?"

It's been a while since we talked and I'm starting to think she was just looking for a reason to break up with me further more she's the one that got me into the rough stuff.

If the activities discussed remained the same, then the only variable is the way she feels about you. Somehow you managed to make her not feel safe around you.

Women focus more on relationships and less on specific kink activities than men do. It sounds like she didn't feel the same about you, and you were unaware of that.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to TheWriter13)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> What did I say?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.109