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TAFKAA -> RE: How much challenge do you enjoy from a sub? (3/17/2013 10:03:27 PM)
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Your question is an excellent one and answering it fully requires a good deal more insight than is possessed by most - judging from the somewhat naive and glib replies you've received here. Settle in, because this is likely to be a long one.
Your question is a variation on the question "Why does love grow cold after marriage?", a question posed by Ninon De L'Enclos to Saint Evremonde in a letter sent during his exile in England. His answer constitutes the best understanding their society had concerning this mystery and is echoed in our own understanding of psychology - specifically operant conditioning - and in our increasing understanding of the neurochemical underpinnings of both desire and pleasure.
The background: Ninon had two friends she adored who were astounded to discover that marriage had cooled both their ardour and their affection. In desperation, they consulted Ninon and begged her to find a solution. She, in turn, posed the question to Saint Evremonde whose response commences thus:
"My opinion is exactly in line with yours, Mademoiselle; it is not always, as some think, hymen or the possession of the loved object which of itself destroys love; the true source of the dissatisfaction that follows exists in the unintelligent manner of economizing the sentiments, a too complete, too easy, and too prolonged possession."
He continues, "Make an exact analysis of what takes place within you when you desire anything. You will find that your desires are nothing but curiosity, and this curiosity, which is one of the forces of the heart, when satisfied, our desires vanish. Whoever, therefore, would hold a spouse or a lover should leave him something to be desired; something new should be expected every day for the morrow. Diversify his pleasures, procure for him the charm of variety in the same object, and I will vouch for his perseverance in fidelity."
The letter continues on for some time in a similar vein and I'll spare you the full text, although it is an exceedingly sharp and insightful penetration into the mystery of the human heart.
In short, it is the continued, easy availability of pleasure without effort which causes the stagnation of the sentiments. And so your question is a legitimate one. Worse, given a submissive woman makes herself easily available to her Dom, it would seem even more likely that her continued easy availability will hasten the process.
This idea finds legitimacy also in our understanding of operant conditioning. In short, for a given stimulus/response combination, the most effective reinforcement technique is not giving someone what they want every time, but giving them what they desire randomly according to a specific ratio. This reinforces the idea of non-availability enhancing desire.
Moving onward, we consider the effect of dopamine - the chemical of desire - and how attraction bombards our receptors with powerful injections of the stuff. Problem is that, like cocaine, constant bombardment of your dopamine receptors requires increasing levels of the stuff - levels that require exposure to something exotic - usually other women. See: The Coolidge Effect.
Doms are men like any other, however they possess the option of indulging in increasingly exotic sex to deal with the dopamine issue. Consequently if your interaction with a Dom is completely at his whim, it is more than likely he will want to indulge in increasingly kinky sex to satisfy his need to keep his dopamine receptors well-fed.
This is how, and why, you'll find yourself going down a path toward more exotic, outrageous and eventually dangerous sex. Unrestrained, this is something of a path to ruin, but its progression is entirely predictable and is why law-enforcement tends to regard the consumption of violent porn as a signpost of an individual who is likely to engage in violent behaviour. In the end, it's all just dopamine and dopamine produces desire we are compelled to attempt to satisfy.
So. What to do. How does a submissive woman avoid going down the path to either a cooling of ardour or an increasingly risky sex life?
My suggestion would be thus. Stop regarding your submission as a one-time decision. Regard it as an ongoing process which your Dom justifies by continuing to be a man of excellence.
In other words, chose wisely, set high standards and - and this is the most important part - continue to set them. Have the unspoken understanding that your commitment to your Dom - indeed your submission itself - is compelled by who he is. And that for that submission to continue, his excellence must likewise continue. Every damn day.
This is not a one-shot deal - and too many people think it is. It's an ongoing progression, a dynamic interaction which continues to evolve as you spend time with each other. You do not submit to a Dom because you've decided to. You submit - and here's the kicker - because his ongoing excellence compels you to.
In other words, your Dom doesn't get to lock you up in a collar, toss away his best self and sit on the couch with his feet up. He needs to continue to lift his game to keep you. And that need to constantly stay on his toes will combat the ennui that can eventuate when a woman lets herself become a sure thing.
If your submission is anything less than an unspoken compulsion... if you've "negotiated" your submission, then you've sold yourself short and you've attached yourself to a man who lacks the stuff to arouse it in you by virtue of who he is. Such interactions are doomed to wither and die. You'll learn that eventually, if you haven't already.
So no, there's no reason to create artificial challenge, you have to create real challenge by not selling yourself short. However this requires you to have an incredibly healthy self-esteem - women who lack it, will not be able to genuinely set the required high standards and indeed, some of them will rail against the concept. You should ignore them - their own issues prevent them from advising you truly on this.
So I'm afraid the news isn't all good, although it's not all bad, either. Like most things, it's going to require some work. From both sides.
Get used to it - that's life.
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