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For the casual players - 3/20/2013 1:24:49 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

There are a bunch of polls on the board just now about D/s interactions and sex. I'm creating this new thread because I want to address those who engage in casual play. Specifically, I'm focusing on those who attend public dungeons or play parties and you are either single or play with others than your primary partner.

How much of your casual play includes casual sex? By casual sex, I mean physical sex. Literally, the stuff that you have to leave the dungeon for if the place space has a rule where no sex is allowed.

Here's where My mind is...........

I play in public play spaces all of the time. I'm frequently asked to top people on a casual basis. Hey! Great! I'm in! Am I going to play and have fun? You bet.

Am I taking any of those people home with Me? Nope.

Flogging somebody isn't necessarily associated with foreplay to fucking. My sadism isn't necessarily linked to My sexuality. The real break through that I had with this was years ago when I changed My stance about topping (S/m) females. For some time, I didn't want to top females because I figured, no sexuality, no sadism. When I topped My first female (I did it as a birthday request) I found out that wasn't true at all.

Top space? Check. Sub space? Check. Good scene and all of that other fun stuff? Check!

Sexual excitement? Nope.

I'm interested in what other people who engage in casual play have to say on the subject.

_____________________________

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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Post #: 1

RE: For the casual players - 3/20/2013 1:43:19 AM

MadamAsianDom

Posts: 153
Joined: 5/28/2011
Status: offline

I don't play casually very often. I enjoy heavy play the most, and that's not the type of thing I will do casually.

However, every once in a while, I will make an exception and play casually (normally for friends who don't have a Dominant at that time, and feel they need the physical (not sexual) release a good impact play session can provide).

When those rare instances occur, there is no sexual excitement for me. Depending on the scene, I may or may not enjoy myself. Sometimes I honestly get nothing out of it, other than knowing that I've helped a friend in need. This is usually the case when the friend in question's pain tolerance isn't that high, and thus I am having to hold back big time. If the person has a decently high pain tolerance, I may get some enjoyment out of it, but it won't be the same level of enjoyment I get from doing a session with someone I have more of a connection with.

In none of the cases referenced above, is casual sex included.

< Message edited by MadamAsianDom -- 3/20/2013 1:45:12 AM >

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 2

RE: For the casual players - 3/20/2013 1:59:20 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
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I do occasionally play as a Top with friend's submissives and/or masochists. Like you, some years ago I expanded my pleasures to included topping the same sex when a Domme friend asked me to help her with her boy. It wasn't sexual. It was purely sadistic top space and it was a blast. He whimpered like a puppy and I loved making him cry like that.

Later on, in the local BDSM group I became part of a three Musketeers scenario with two other Domly type friends. We would all co-Top by request for a few friends interested in having their submissive or masochistic partners experience some of our specialties. Sometimes we would collectively top someone. Once, my friend got a 10 foot bullwhip from Mike Murphy (or someone equally notable) and a Domme friend volunteered her boy to be the test target. Now you can't really go whacking someone with a 10 footer. So the 3 of us all ganged up for a mind fuck. We blindfolded him, and tied him down. Queued by a silent finger count down, the 10 footer was cracked along side of the sub while I timed hitting his ass with my dressage whip. The boy thought he was being beat with that 10 footer. It wasn't sexual at all, but it was in public and everyone had good fun.

However, my general interest and nature is sexual. I am a into "Sexual Sadism" as defined by the DSM: the recurrent urge or behavior involving acts in which the pain or humiliation of the victim is sexually exciting. I am also into edge play and do not have much interest in casual play. Beating someone's ass with a whip, under consensually negotiated terms has no real interest for me... unless there are other rewards like the social situations mentioned above with friends. I have never in my life gone to a dungeon and spanked/whipped/cut/stuck needles in some stranger that I didn't have a sexual interest in and seduce them as well.

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 3/20/2013 2:01:01 AM >

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(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 3

RE: For the casual players - 3/20/2013 2:25:39 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

Over the years Gary has mentored several newbie Doms. When teaching them the finer art of flinging a flogger I have often been the stunt dumbie. Nothing sexual about someone trying to aim at a shoulder and hitting your arm.

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Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 4

RE: For the casual players - 3/20/2013 2:38:07 AM

slaveboihere

Posts: 26
Joined: 3/14/2013
Status: offline

An interesting thread, LadyP. I appreciate that everyone is different, and for some bdsm is closely associated with sex, and for others its not. For me it is; in bdsm play, as in sex, I am giving free access to my naked body to someone else, and hoping they will use it wisely for their and my pleasure. (OK; mainly theirs - but doesn't that give me pleasure as well........?!) I wouldn't do that with someone with whom I am not in a relationship,or in the early stage of hoping to form a relationship. I do go to clubs alone if necessary; but I go to socialise and meet people in that case, not to play with anyone. The only circumstance in which I could enviseage myself playing with anyone in that situation would be if our eyes had met across the room, locked, and it was kind of love at first sight! lol. But even there, it would happen after we had talked and seen potential for more than a one off session.

As I say, everyone is different, and good luck to those with different views. This is just the way I'm wired.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 5

RE: For the casual players - 3/20/2013 4:35:00 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

I frequently go to play parties and play with others. So does my sub. We never do anything sexual there.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to slaveboihere)

Post #: 6

RE: For the casual players - 3/20/2013 10:19:45 AM

Muttling

Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
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Miss and I go to play parties when we get the chance (which is not often.) Casual play with others is allowed in our relationship with certain rules, but is incredibly rare.

Our two MONSTER rules are that the other know who you're playing with before the play happens and sexual intercourse is only between the two of us.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 7

RE: For the casual players - 3/20/2013 10:23:19 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

Years ago, I was fine with casual play that included sex. I don't attend BDSM clubs or events, so I don't have that issue of wanting sex and having to leave or whatever. But when I was playing casually, yes, for me, it included sex.

As I have gotten older, I don't want casual, meaningless sex, so I don't play casually anymore. It means no play and no sex, but I would rather have the whole relationship thing, so for me, it's ok.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 8

RE: For the casual players - 3/20/2013 10:41:22 AM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

I do go to an invite-only dungeon with some friends and I do sometimes Top a friend's submissive. I get into the groove of Top space, he loves the subspace, but there is absolutely no sex involved. We both have a grand time.

On the other hand, I have a play partner/kinky FWB that I casually play with privately and sometimes that does include sex, but we've known each other for years.

But there is no way I'd ever have sex with other people around, allowed or not. I just can't wrap my mind around that.

NBMG

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(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 9

RE: For the casual players - 3/20/2013 6:19:48 PM

Lucifyre

Posts: 1067
Joined: 3/27/2012
Status: offline

I know you are looking for serious answers to this question LadyP, but I have to chuckle a little bit while I answer you seriously...
Sometimes even the sex I have with Mr is about the D/s and has nothing to do with sex.
Think along the lines of consentual nonconsent powerplay.
P & V penetration? yep. Sexual? Not in the least, for either of us.

So, there's a little wrench in your works :P (not trying to be a shit, just adding a little extra)

<3 Luci

_____________________________

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The thing about standards is: There are SO many to choose from.

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)

Post #: 10

RE: For the casual players - 3/20/2013 6:53:18 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I used to attend parties all the time when I was leading a group (have since dropped both). Casual sex has never been part of it. It is not in my psychological makeup to engage in random acts of sex. I have been spanked, flogged, even sat on a Sybian for a while though it was without insertables.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 11

RE: For the casual players - 3/20/2013 7:43:20 PM

kdsub

Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline

With me there is always sexual excitment...but that does not mean I have sex with the person I am playing with.

Butch

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(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 12

RE: For the casual players - 3/21/2013 1:12:49 AM

Muttling

Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Muttling

Miss and I go to play parties when we get the chance (which is not often.) Casual play with others is allowed in our relationship with certain rules, but is incredibly rare.

Our two MONSTER rules are that the other know who you're playing with before the play happens and sexual intercourse is only between the two of us.

I've been thinking about my response and have a few things I would like to add. I hope some will find it interesting and hope that it addresses LadyPact's original question. (For the record, I have tremendous respect for her and have greatly enjoyed her input into many discussions on this forum.)

Miss and I aren't a 24/7, hard core BDSM couple. We're a married couple with quite the complex vanilla life that comes with a total of 6 kids. Kink is a distinct pleasure for us, but our relationship is far more complex than kink.

We both came into the relationship with friends and experience in the community. We both encourage each other to maintain those friendships and to even play so long as it is respectful of our relationship. Most of ALL, it is not to be secret from one another.

As time has progressed, we have played less and less with others. Interestingly, it is not out of the other disapproving or not supporting play beyond our relationship. Instead, it has been that the one who would play doesn't want the emotional complexities interfering with our relationship. We have both given each other encouragement to play and been supportive. Such play has happened, but has been quite rare and the one who has consistently said "no" has been the one who would be doing the playing.

I hope this makes sense and sheds some light on one of the details that makes our relationship a strong one.

(in reply to Muttling)

Post #: 13

RE: For the casual players - 3/21/2013 5:25:05 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

When I used to play casually I was surprised at the number of sadists who didn't want a happy ending. My mistake for assuming that all men were like Ron

Now, I am in a serious, monogamous relationship and am enjoying the well rounded package of his companionship outside the bedroom, fabulous sex, fear play and spectacular orgasms.

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(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 14

RE: For the casual players - 3/21/2013 8:07:41 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

It is as difficult to separate BDSM "play" and sex for me as it is easy for you. The two are so inextricably linked for me that I cannot imagine engaging in one without the other. I don't do BDSM stuff in public dungeons or at "play parties" for that reason among many others. If someone is going to torture and beat me, something sexual is going to occur. A platonic relationship with a top? Not interested in the least. Casual play and casual sex have always interested me and been easily engaged in. I don't have to love someone to be sexual with them and if they're going to "play" with me it will definitely be sexual at some point.

luci

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(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 15

RE: For the casual players - 3/22/2013 1:44:44 AM

absolutchocolat

Posts: 1392
Status: offline

I engage in casual play, and physical sex is involved nine times out of ten. For me, BDSM isn't as fun without some fooling around involved.

I have had sex with each person I've gotten kinky with. It's gotten more difficult to do the casual play though; I'm spoiled by a great submissive who knows what I like and how I like it. I don't feel like breaking any new ones in right now.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 16

RE: For the casual players - 3/22/2013 8:24:21 AM

WithBellsOn

Posts: 33
Joined: 3/1/2013
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The places I've played at have always defined sex in very specific and limited terms, i.e., some things that I would consider to be sex were still allowed. So I've done both (allowed) sex in the dungeon, and left to have (disallowed) sex. That's maybe 10% of the scenes I've done, though... I've played plenty of times without things becoming overtly sexual.

(in reply to absolutchocolat)

Post #: 17

RE: For the casual players - 3/22/2013 5:27:16 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I used to play casually when I was younger and before I met Master. And yeah, there was always, always, sex afterwards. I'm straight so I've never had any interest in playing with females. For me, my submissive personality, my being a slave, is not tied to my sexuality. It's tied to a committed relationship with a man or just someone I incredibly respect and I find awesome....be they male or female.

But my kinky play is definitely sexual.

_____________________________

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Everything has changed

(in reply to WithBellsOn)

Post #: 18

RE: For the casual players - 3/22/2013 8:13:07 PM

MalcolmNathaniel

Posts: 1394
Joined: 9/20/2010
Status: offline

LadyPact, I am just the opposite. For me the play is always sexual because it's about trust.

I have sex with women I just met (condom of course,) but never kinky funtime unless I trust her. That's something I don't see mentioned very often: it's not just the bottom who has to trust the top, trust needs to go both ways. Until you know the details you can't know how far you can go before phrases like "Unlawful arrest" start getting said.

I don't play in public dungeons though.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 19

RE: For the casual players - 3/22/2013 8:27:52 PM

UllrsIshtar

Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I'm interested in what other people who engage in casual play have to say on the subject.

My genitalia are off limit during casual play. Always have been, always will be. I don't even like flogging or needle play in that area with people I'm not emotionally intimate with.

Now I can play non-casually with people with whom I'm not in a relationship, and than it becomes more of a "fuck buddies" kind of arrangement in which sexual play is again on the table.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 20

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