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regarding love - 3/20/2013 3:18:37 PM   
AubsGirl


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/16/2013
From: oklahoma
Status: offline 		I have noticed many post on here discussing love, but after 75 pages of searching I still cant find anyone who asked this question. My Dom and I are also in a 'nilla relationship, and we started attempting to branch into the D/s side only a few weeks ago under the pretense of if it doesnt work we scrap it. Well it has come to the point in the relationship that I know I love him and I know he loves me, he and I have even expressed it to each other through the journals we keep so we can each know the others thoughts about how things are going and developing in the BDSM side of our relationship. That being said he never vocalizes this. I am going stir crazy and have even found myself slipping with the whole " hun, I love you , but..." when I dont completely agree, Or the "I seriously love you for that" when he makes me laugh. My heart is screaming at me to just tell him I love him already, but he never says anything about it. I'm curious with my being his sub if I should wait for him to tell me first in case hes not comfortable with it just yet or if it would mean more for me to tell him and thereby show him more of my devotion to him. I could also be completely over analyzing this, but I dont want to step on toes, just make him happy. I love this man and just want him to know that he has me soul deep in all aspects. Any input?
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RE: regarding love - 3/20/2013 3:26:18 PM   
FelineFae


Posts: 7756
Joined: 1/23/2009
From: i do wander everywhere...
Status: offline 		Not everyone vocalize what they feel. Love can also be expressed through actions.

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RE: regarding love - 3/20/2013 4:04:26 PM   
AubsGirl


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/16/2013
From: oklahoma
Status: offline 		Very true, and he shows me daily but would I be stepping on toes as his sub if I were to tell him that I love him without him telling me first

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RE: regarding love - 3/20/2013 4:49:17 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Did you say "I love you" before getting into D/s?

If so, I dont know why that would change.

If not, why not?

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Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

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RE: regarding love - 3/20/2013 4:56:47 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		I read further... he says it in writing?

I can't imagine him blowing a gasket; as fae said, some are more doers than sayers, and that's more important, imo... but tell him, give HIM the option of leading you in the direction he wants.

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Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

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RE: regarding love - 3/20/2013 5:16:53 PM   
muhly22222


Posts: 463
Joined: 3/25/2010
Status: offline 		FR

My vote's to just tell him. Some people are just slow to say that, or don't feel the need to say it, even if that's what they feel.

And if he for some reason doesn't feel the same way, and doesn't think he ever will...well, that would be important information, wouldn't it?

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I have always been among those who believed that the greatest freedom of speech was the greatest safety, because if a man is a fool, the best thing to do is to encourage him to advertise the fact by speaking.
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RE: regarding love - 3/20/2013 6:25:40 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If it turns out he doesn't love you, wouldn't you rather know now?
Tell him, and ask him why he writes it but doesn't say it, because it's important for you to hear this.

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RE: regarding love - 3/20/2013 7:49:08 PM   
AubsGirl


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/16/2013
From: oklahoma
Status: offline 		thanks for the advice guys. I really appreciate it.

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RE: regarding love - 3/21/2013 3:44:56 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AubsGirl

Very true, and he shows me daily but would I be stepping on toes as his sub if I were to tell him that I love him without him telling me first


No I don't think this is a dom/sub issue at all. When to say the big 'I love you' is always a scary decision but it doesn't become automatically different because you call yourself dom and sub. In fact, I'd say that being able to communicate with each other clearly about your feelings, thoughts, desires and worries is a huge part of getting a successful D/s relationship established.

I said it first, but not to show greater devotion or anything, just because I tend to be braver than him in terms of putting myself out there emotionally.

I don't think telling him you love him is in any way taking away his domliness. You're just expressing a feeling that you're already having.

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Upon the hours and times of your desire?

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RE: regarding love - 3/21/2013 10:09:11 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders


quote:

ORIGINAL: AubsGirl

Very true, and he shows me daily but would I be stepping on toes as his sub if I were to tell him that I love him without him telling me first


No I don't think this is a dom/sub issue at all. When to say the big 'I love you' is always a scary decision but it doesn't become automatically different because you call yourself dom and sub. In fact, I'd say that being able to communicate with each other clearly about your feelings, thoughts, desires and worries is a huge part of getting a successful D/s relationship established.

I said it first, but not to show greater devotion or anything, just because I tend to be braver than him in terms of putting myself out there emotionally.

I don't think telling him you love him is in any way taking away his domliness. You're just expressing a feeling that you're already having.


Exactly what I was thinking. Telling someone you love them doesn't change because kink is involved.

To the OP, the basics of a relationship, i.e. meeting, getting to know each other, how you feel about the person doesn't change just because kink is involved.

People live under the very mistaken impression that BDSM changes everything about human interaction with their partner. It doesn't. If you love him and want to tell him, do it. If you want to know why he doesn't say it back, ask him. And don't over analyze things. It will give you a headache.

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RE: regarding love - 3/21/2013 10:38:18 AM   
Dyfrynt


Posts: 202
Joined: 4/19/2011
Status: offline 		Agreed. Telling someone you love them is almost never wrong no matter the kind of relationship. Besides, let me give you a different perspective. As his sub, if your situation is common to most, what you think is important to your Dom. Holding back your feelings is being disobedient.

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RE: regarding love - 3/22/2013 5:38:29 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I always said it when I felt it was right. There was no worrying about who was the first to say it or anything like that. It just happens because you both are comfortable enough with each other to say it.

If you need to use d/s to tell you who should go first, if you have to even think about it at all, then imo, neither of you are ready. Let it happen organically.



< Message edited by littlewonder -- 3/22/2013 5:39:07 PM >

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RE: regarding love - 3/22/2013 5:40:53 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Same here. I always said it when it felt right. I did not play games that say, oh the guy should say it first (even though they did) nor did I stop myself because I am submissive.

My relationships are with people first, not their role.

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RE: regarding love - 3/22/2013 11:45:45 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Ello!

And welcome to the boards.


quote:

ORIGINAL: AubsGirl
I'm curious with my being his sub if I should wait for him to tell me first in case hes not comfortable with it just yet or if it would mean more for me to tell him and thereby show him more of my devotion to him.


Erm... have you not told him already, in the whole "through your journal" thing?

If you've both indicated that you love eachother through your journals, then surely you don't need to worry about whether he'll be freaked out if you tell him?

In any case... if it's a feeling you want to express, and he's not expecting you to be completely silent then I'd say you should feel able to express it.

quote:




I could also be completely over analyzing this, but I dont want to step on toes, just make him happy. I love this man and just want him to know that he has me soul deep in all aspects. Any input?


You're completely over analysing this.

If you love him tell him poppet.


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RE: regarding love - 3/23/2013 7:49:37 AM   
AubsGirl


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/16/2013
From: oklahoma
Status: offline 		Thanks for all your help guys, i was meerly trying to make sure I didnt break protocol, but even if I did he didnt care. He said that he'd actually been wanting to tell me but was afraid he might trigger my fight or flight syndrome since this is my first time as a sub. He didnt want to overwhelm me through expanding both aspects of our relationship at once and he thought it might. I love you all for all the advice you give, and love that our community can come together as a whole just to help "over analyzers" such as myself. Hopefully one day i can do the same for one of you. Thanks again!

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RE: regarding love - 3/23/2013 8:50:53 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Mouths lie, all the time. Watch his feet, they'll tell you the truth of what he's about.
Love-it ain't a word, it's an action

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RE: regarding love - 3/23/2013 10:19:48 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

Mouths lie, all the time. Watch his feet, they'll tell you the truth of what he's about.
Love-it ain't a word, it's an action


Sometimes Kana, you just impress the hell out of me!

Although other times you make me want to run away, screaming!

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RE: regarding love - 3/23/2013 1:40:27 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		If you need to tell him, just tell him. You don't need to wait for him to say it - there's no protocol over it, unless you have such a thing in your relationship. =p I told my last M that I loved him outside of a strip joint. He was smoking and it just kinda flew out of my face. I said it first, and he said it next, but I'd already known what he felt -- not everyone vocalizes everything they feel, but they'll broadcast it in other ways. My grandfather never said "I love you" to my grandma, at least not in front of us =p But when you saw little things he did, you knew it.

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"Obey your Master." Metallica


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RE: regarding love - 3/23/2013 1:59:39 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

Mouths lie, all the time. Watch his feet, they'll tell you the truth of what he's about.
Love-it ain't a word, it's an action



Lust, infatuation, that whole super emotional I'm in love stuff you first experienced as a teen, that's a mind set. Very often it's about being in love with love. I suspect what you are feeling is a serious infatuation with your D/s roles. It's hot stuff to be sub to a dom for the first time (and if it's done right, who am I kidding? Its always hot stuff.)

How do you know if you truly love this man (as opposed to merely being in love with that 'being in love' feeling)? I agree with Kana, love's an action, and its based on deeds, not words.

As far as who tells who first, I'd say mostly females do, supposedly we're more in tune with our emotional side. If you have to worry about it and over analyze it, I'd be wondering why. Is your gut telling you different? Or are you even more analytic than my own self? If so, best of luck to you in your relationships. Here's a tip from someone who is old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway: you CAN over analyze your relationships.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 3/23/2013 2:12:58 PM >

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RE: regarding love - 3/23/2013 9:30:28 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		The only protocol that exists in your relationship are the ones you and he set for your relationship.

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