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RE: please tell me ... - 3/24/2013 9:02:06 AM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hairpullinggal

I am very new...am I unrealistic in believing that the Dom should and would want to find out a subs likes, dislikes, soft and hard limits? Is a safeword just a suggestion and not practiced? I do not think I'm a stupid but I am not very knowledgeable in this regard. I seem to keep attracting supposed "Dom's" that from 1st meeting want to hurt and humiliate me...is this normal?

I read your profile. Your gonna get all kinds of kinky asses who aren't doms at all. You sound like you want a caring relationship based on mental stimulation first, not all kinky play. My advice is to consider the men who want to know about you and dont mention sex much at all for awhile. The ones who dont have an interest in letting growth in the mental department first, kick em to the curb. You can tell much about someones true intent in 3 long conversations or less, many in the first few lines of one conversation.

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(in reply to hairpullinggal)

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Post #: 21

RE: please tell me ... - 3/24/2013 9:04:37 AM

xssve

Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hairpullinggal

I am very new...am I unrealistic in believing that the Dom should and would want to find out a subs likes, dislikes, soft and hard limits? Is a safeword just a suggestion and not practiced? I do not think I'm a stupid but I am not very knowledgeable in this regard. I seem to keep attracting supposed "Dom's" that from 1st meeting want to hurt and humiliate me...is this normal?

Read again carefully - "I am very new...".

As such, yes, you will be a target for men who wish to use you as a vehicle for their fantasies regardless of how you feel about it.

Much of consent is about limits, I believe, although opinions vary on this: i.e., a violation of a limit is a violation of consent, IMO, if I'm trying to get around a limit of yours, I can only hope to get you so hot and worked up you violate it yourself, and that would likely require the trust formed in a long relationship to accomplish, if I'm doing this on the first date, or even before the first date, keep looking.

i.e., if you want to control the pace, or the options, control them. It has nothing to do with being sub or dom, it has to do with you being you, though as I say, there are those with other ideas.

There are however, plenty of fish in the sea, so if nothing else, it's a solid criteria for who to block, assuming that, like most new, young, pretty subs, your mailbox is overflowing.

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(in reply to hairpullinggal)

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Post #: 22

RE: please tell me ... - 3/24/2013 3:29:05 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hairpullinggal

I am very new...am I unrealistic in believing that the Dom should and would want to find out a subs likes, dislikes, soft and hard limits? Is a safeword just a suggestion and not practiced? I do not think I'm a stupid but I am not very knowledgeable in this regard. I seem to keep attracting supposed "Dom's" that from 1st meeting want to hurt and humiliate me...is this normal?

There will be assholes in kink just like there are in the vanilla world. We're not ALL assholes, but there will certainly be SOME. When you're new on CM, you will end up on plenty of Newest Local Users pages and, when you do, there will be HNGs out there hoping you're naive and will do whatever they want. That DOESN'T mean you have to.

I totally want to find out a sub's likes/dislikes, soft & hard limits, and a lot of other stuff about him before deciding to move forward. And I require that he choose a safeword and we use it too.

NBMG

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Post #: 23

RE: please tell me ... - 3/24/2013 4:25:30 PM

HarryVanWinkle

Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline

~FR~

There are no universal "shoulds." That being said, I personally would have nothing to do with a dom who did NOT want to know a subs likes, dislikes and limits and I would strenuously recommend that a sub avoid such a dom.

quote:

ORIGINAL: hairpullinggal

I am very new...am I unrealistic in believing that the Dom should and would want to find out a subs likes, dislikes, soft and hard limits? Is a safeword just a suggestion and not practiced? I do not think I'm a stupid but I am not very knowledgeable in this regard. I seem to keep attracting supposed "Dom's" that from 1st meeting want to hurt and humiliate me...is this normal?

(in reply to hairpullinggal)

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Post #: 24

RE: please tell me ... - 3/26/2013 12:02:42 PM

subsfaith

Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hairpullinggal

I seem to keep attracting supposed "Dom's" that from 1st meeting want to hurt and humiliate me...is this normal?

Yes, completely.

Your name advertises that you want something that is likely to be painful, that is likely to attact a dom who is into pain.

The first meeting, your pic has you in just your undies... that's a green light for them.

"supposed "Doms"" - Really? You are new, so what exactly qualifies you to judge them as 'supposed doms'? That aside, it seems to me you are instrumental in how they are choosing to respond to your profile. Judging them says more about you than it does them, my dear.

If you want to attract a different kind of person, change the way you advertise yourself. Good luck!

(in reply to hairpullinggal)

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Post #: 25

RE: please tell me ... - 3/26/2013 1:54:20 PM

cordeliasub

Posts: 528
Joined: 11/4/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

quote:

ORIGINAL: hairpullinggal

I am very new...am I unrealistic in believing that the Dom should and would want to find out a subs likes, dislikes, soft and hard limits? Is a safeword just a suggestion and not practiced? I do not think I'm a stupid but I am not very knowledgeable in this regard. I seem to keep attracting supposed "Dom's" that from 1st meeting want to hurt and humiliate me...is this normal?

I read your profile. Your gonna get all kinds of kinky asses who aren't doms at all. You sound like you want a caring relationship based on mental stimulation first, not all kinky play. My advice is to consider the men who want to know about you and dont mention sex much at all for awhile. The ones who dont have an interest in letting growth in the mental department first, kick em to the curb. You can tell much about someones true intent in 3 long conversations or less, many in the first few lines of one conversation.

This is EXCELLENT advice.

(in reply to chatterbox24)

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Post #: 26

RE: please tell me ... - 3/26/2013 5:54:53 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

It is as much your responsibility to ask them what they're into and then decide you aren't compatible as it is theirs.

Beyond that, if you consistently pick untrustworthy liars for partners, that says you are choosing them for a reason. Most times, we pick partners who are familiar. So if your parent lied and never kept his word to you, then you will pick someone who does that also in the hopes that this time, it will magically come out right.

It won't. It is your responsibility to deal with your issues and become a healthy person who is no longer attracted to bad people. Try therapy to break the cycle.

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Post #: 27