RE: The line between bullying and consensual humiliation

RE: The line between bullying and consensual humiliation (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

absolutchocolat -> RE: The line between bullying and consensual humiliation (3/27/2013 5:15:17 AM)
Ditto. I don't think you should get to call someone a rapist online without them being convicted of the crime first. Nowadays, the court of public opinion often labels someone a criminal before all of the evidence is examined, Plus, I just think it's messy. If someone hurts me, I'm telling the police before blasting someone online, just saying. Then, of course, there's always that butthurt asshole who didn't get their way, coming online to spread post-coital regret. Gotta love 'em. [8\|]

angelikaJ -> RE: The line between cyberbullying and consensual humiliation (3/27/2013 6:02:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chatterbox24 THe line between bullying? I believe bullying is bullying when someone complains it is. IT doesn't matter if the majority pipes up to say " oh this person is to sensitive, they asked for it, I tell the facts" If someone is complaining they feel attacked, it is very real to them. If it feels like bullying to them, it is. That is the line. Usually if someone complains of being bullied, they are so much of the time told "you dont have self control" "you play a victim" I have rarely seen a person say to the person. " I am really sorry to make you feel that way, my tone was not meant to hurt you but to help you" Takes a big person with empathy for others to do that. Using the internet for an excuse to be mean spirited to others, or talk down to them, or call them out on everything you feel is wrong with them is a lame excuse to use. Still there is a person on the other side, not everyone is a troll, fake, liar, people dont know their situation and some people just are rookies, and what seems like cake to some, is a big deal to them. They simply dont know, and really want some good advice. Telling them they are stupid, or you are to old not to know that, is not productive. For as many people who come on this site, and are members, the ratio of people who actually post is very minimal, think there might be a reason for that? I personally find nothing good about intentionally making another feel bad. Alot of posts by new people end up that way, no one sees the pattern? Just my two cents! Consensual humilation? ITs consensual when they ask for it by name. I am mainly in agreement with LadyPact here. Perceptions are not always true. Our perceptions are influenced by all of our past experience and if someone has had a lot of negative interactions in their life, then his/her perception is likely to be negative when interacting with on-line folks in forums. Sometimes people have great difficulty in communicating clearly in any medium and don't realise it, Those communication difficulties lead to misunderstandings and those misunderstandings often lead to hurt feelings... and in real life interactions, sometimes precarious positions. Feelings aren't facts, and neither are our perceptions and each person has to be responsible for their own communication style and the issues that result from that. People often get defensive when someone offers constructive advice that isn't what they want to hear and then they become combative. Dealing with combative people quickly gets tiring and it is easy to form a negative opinion about that person. I have noticed though that the negative perception very often changes, when someone decides to own their mistake and put in effort to do better next time. We are a forgiving bunch, unless you repeatedly sh*t all over us, or attempt to deceive by giving rapidly changeable half-truths. The people who share their experience and wisdom find dealing with the latter to be a time suck, and very few of us have time to give well thought advice, only to find out later that the evolving story isn't half-true; it creates resentment. Having said that, I do think a little compassion can go a long way and I try to lead with that. Too much damage can be done if people are allowed to name those who allegedly abused or sexually assaulted them. Having said that, I think we should try and do our part to change a system that is too often hostile towards victims; especially in situations in which consent may have been given at some point in the past. Partner rape is not new, nor uncommon: most people who are sexually assaulted are assaulted by someone they know. If it happens in 'vanilla' relationships then it happens in kink and power-exchange based ones. As a society we need to work on lessening the shame of reporting crimes and as "a community" making certain that is inclusive of kink and power-exchange based relationships.

JeffBC -> RE: The line between cyberbullying and consensual humiliation (3/27/2013 8:47:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 The blog post essentially says FetLife has become unsafe for kinksters because of a tendency to blame victims of sexual assault when they try to discuss their problems on Fet. Also, hilariously perhaps, the blog post offers CollarMe as a safer alternative to Fet. This post has gone minorly viral on Tumblr and elsewhere, so it's getting some play. LOLOL. Then again, Fet is the site where it's owner sees no issues with cyber-bullying kids. Where's the line between cyberbullying and consensual online humiliation? Uh... consent? Where's the line between victim blaming/slut shaming and insisting on personal responsibility from a sub who enjoys rough sex? Intent? People often want to make these two things mutually incompatible and they self-evidently are not. It's perfectly reasonable to say "the rapist should not have committed a crime" and "the rape victim could have minimized the risk". Both are important messages.

Kana -> RE: The line between cyberbullying and consensual humiliation (3/27/2013 1:27:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ARIES83 I've never been cyber bullied to my knowledge, and to be honest, I'm not really sure how it would be possible to bully me via the internet. Sooo... Your move, bullies.[:D] Agreed. I don't see anyway I could feel threatened by anything cyber. I mean, really...it ain't like they gonna beat me up or any such shit. I'm an anonymous guy on an anonymous site posting pretty much for personal fun. It ain't like I need to be on there. I can always just walk-no biggee

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: The line between bullying and consensual humiliation (3/27/2013 2:18:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady Problem is that in the situations I spoke of, where this is most common, the college parties, the guys are just as drunk as the girls. Yes, everyone should know not to have drunk sex, but when you are drunk, you don't make good decisions. Seriously, I understand why you say this. But, What in the world is the point of getting drunk, if you get less inhibited, want to have sex, and don't have sex. I don't mean that anyone should have non-consentual sex ever! However, it will be a cold day in hell, when people give up sex while drinking. It behooves everyone, to decide whether to drink, and whether they're going to have sex while fully awake/sober/aware. I don't advise any guy to get involved with anyone while drunk, but I cannot stand the people who want to become virgins again, after being slut last night, by crying rape. M

littlewonder -> RE: The line between bullying and consensual humiliation (3/27/2013 2:28:29 PM)
When I used to drink a lot and go to bars, I was fully aware that the reason I was doing so was to get laid and nothing else. Didn't care who the guy was as long as he was hot and good at sex. If it ended up he sucked at sex then the next morning I said to myself "geez he was awful! I don't think I'll be getting fucked by him again next weekend! What the hell made me think he would be good in bed??" [8D]

mnottertail -> RE: The line between bullying and consensual humiliation (3/27/2013 2:31:03 PM)
Ja, you didn't hang out at my bars, bitch!!!!

littlewonder -> RE: The line between bullying and consensual humiliation (3/27/2013 2:34:42 PM)
I might have! Who knows. I could have even fucked ya and I wouldn't even know. I can't even remember most of the faces and I don't even think I knew most of their names. [:D]

mnottertail -> RE: The line between bullying and consensual humiliation (3/27/2013 2:47:55 PM)
Not hardly, I didnt get out that way.

absolutchocolat -> RE: The line between bullying and consensual humiliation (3/27/2013 4:45:51 PM)
I'm with ya. I drank to the point of passing out twice -- both times in the company of friends I trusted, so they could stop me from being slutty. I start handing out blowjobs when I get some rum in me. When I was just getting my buzz on though, I was like LW. I saw a guy or girl I wanted to bang and took 'em home. Most were repeat performances, but I wouldn't say they were bad decisions. Felt good at the time! [;)]

LookieNoNookie -> RE: The line between bullying and consensual humiliation (3/27/2013 4:47:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat I'm with ya. I drank to the point of passing out twice -- both times in the company of friends I trusted, so they could stop me from being slutty. I start handing out blowjobs when I get some rum in me. When I was just getting my buzz on though, I was like LW. I saw a guy or girl I wanted to bang and took 'em home. Most were repeat performances, but I wouldn't say they were bad decisions. Felt good at the time! [;)] Anyone want some rum?

LafayetteLady -> RE: The line between bullying and consensual humiliation (3/27/2013 5:14:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady Problem is that in the situations I spoke of, where this is most common, the college parties, the guys are just as drunk as the girls. Yes, everyone should know not to have drunk sex, but when you are drunk, you don't make good decisions. Seriously, I understand why you say this. But, What in the world is the point of getting drunk, if you get less inhibited, want to have sex, and don't have sex. I don't mean that anyone should have non-consentual sex ever! However, it will be a cold day in hell, when people give up sex while drinking. It behooves everyone, to decide whether to drink, and whether they're going to have sex while fully awake/sober/aware. I don't advise any guy to get involved with anyone while drunk, but I cannot stand the people who want to become virgins again, after being slut last night, by crying rape. M That's pretty much my point. Even though it sounds like blame the victim, a lot of these young girls are getting black out drunk, and having sex with guys who have enough of a buzz to not wonder whether she is too drunk to consent. After all, during the drunken haze, the girl is actively participating in the act. Then they wake up the next day and because they made a poor decision and don't want to admit it, they cry rape. It's bullshit. Same thing with quite a few subs. They check their brains at the door when first meeting a new dominant. Some will call it sub frenzy, some will give them a pass for being naive, but unless you were raised under a rock, a girl was taught how to say "no." So when they consent to meeting them at their home, in a motel or whatever, and agreeing to play, when it doesn't go as they hoped, they say they were victimized. They weren't victimized, they behaved stupidly, and they don't deserve a pity party for it.

LookieNoNookie -> RE: The line between bullying and consensual humiliation (3/27/2013 5:28:10 PM)
In my case "no" actually means "be gentle, it's my first time".

Level -> RE: The line between bullying and consensual humiliation (3/27/2013 6:44:56 PM)
[:D]

absolutchocolat -> RE: The line between bullying and consensual humiliation (3/28/2013 1:32:09 AM)
Lol!!! Trying to take advantage of me, eh?

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: The line between bullying and consensual humiliation (3/28/2013 1:59:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady Same thing with quite a few subs. They check their brains at the door when first meeting a new dominant. Some will call it sub frenzy, some will give them a pass for being naive, but unless you were raised under a rock, a girl was taught how to say "no." So when they consent to meeting them at their home, in a motel or whatever, and agreeing to play, when it doesn't go as they hoped, they say they were victimized. They weren't victimized, they behaved stupidly, and they don't deserve a pity party for it. I agree with you, and this is very much, the reason I disagree with naming/shaming of people on public message boards. As we are not the court of law, and cannot know someone's intentions, when writing to announce victimization, those cases are best left to courts of law to handle. I say this, fully aware, that the law does not always deliver justice. There can be very few things worse, than having one's body/soul violated. I believe that there are abusers out there, who ought to be prosecuted. That however, ought not be done on a public message boards, to be fair to all parties involved. In cases where there was a party, and individuals were being extra friendly, I would tend to look for clear evidence of dissent, when morning after accusations are made. I feel sorry for the poor bastards who get caught in this crossfire. As to the OP RedMagic1, my belief is: there is a very clear line, between bullying (undesired/unwelcomed/not consensual), and consensual humiliation. Perhaps for some people, it's okay to be excited about experiences, go edgy/hard, and without a safeword... That is clearly not the best path for most. People (submissives especially), think clearly about what you want, and how much danger you could place yourself in, and avoid the temptation to prove your badness, before consenting to play with a stranger, and without safewords/limits. M

sexyred1 -> RE: The line between cyberbullying and consensual humiliation (3/28/2013 9:00:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ARIES83 I've never been cyber bullied to my knowledge, and to be honest, I'm not really sure how it would be possible to bully me via the internet. Sooo... Your move, bullies.[:D] Well, tell that to the teens who hang themselves from cyber bullying.

LafayetteLady -> RE: The line between cyberbullying and consensual humiliation (3/28/2013 9:33:16 AM)
I do think that we aren't talking about teens and Facebook, but the claim of "bullying" here and on FetLife, where there is quite a bit more anonymity.

absolutchocolat -> RE: The line between cyberbullying and consensual humiliation (3/28/2013 9:38:46 AM)
I tend to agree with you there. We are all adults here and on FL. By now, most learn to take things other internet geeks say with a grain of salt. If someone begins to harass me -- send threatening messages, emails, etc. -- I can block, delete and move on. I can delete my profile and start fresh. I can report the person. Or I can ignore it.

LafayetteLady -> RE: The line between cyberbullying and consensual humiliation (3/28/2013 1:07:05 PM)
Exactly. On sites like this, most of us are anonymous. On something like FaceBook, not at all. Unless someone really wants to find me in person, they can't bully me here. I can always just leave and move on with life. If someone here and on Fet is unable to do that, then I would say they have larger problems than thinking they are being cyber-bullied.

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.0625