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RE: Looking for some constructive criticism. - 3/31/2013 11:38:53 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

Having read this far and been charmed by my masculine wiles, when you contact me put the word, "Memory" as the first word in your message.


I think this is the biggest turn off right here. Ordering a submissive what to do before he owns her. Too Presumptuous.

Perhaps it could be worded less like a command but rather a polite request.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 3/31/2013 11:40:41 PM >

(in reply to Powergamz1)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Lookinf for some constructive criticism. - 3/31/2013 11:59:43 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		I really liked your journal entry from 3/12/2012

Okay, I think you should forget what all these other folks are saying and listen just to me because I'm the type of woman you are attracting. Just kidding, you've gotten some great advice here about the spelling and stuff and I would take that advice and act upon it were I you.

I would suggest that you read 'my' profile and see if I'm the sort of woman you 'want' to attract and if not, change something fast! If I was looking and I ran across your profile, I would not only write to you, I would put 'memory' as the first word in an email to you. I have no problem with imbalance from the get go and, really, I can see quite clearly the invisible wink in the masculine wiles. In other words, I 'get' your humor. You remind me a lot of Himself.. who is also from New York (The Bronx) and is also a kinky scientist. I have a feeling you two.. all three of us would hit it off.

Geeky, nerdy, glasses.. check.. shy.. um.. not so much and I don't know if building dollhouses and dollhouse furniture is unique, but i do sculpt miniature magical artifacts out of sculpy to decorate my mini houses. I also do all my own electrical work in lighting them and make everything by hand down to the smallest details.

I'm only saying all that to point out the sort of woman you are attracting and who 'would' write to you or back to you if approached after reading your profile, the prolific jokes you present in your journal.. and the journal entry that I mentioned above. That was the clincher.

I wish you the very best of luck in your search.

If you're looking for a woman like me.. we are out here so just be patient ... and like I said if not change the profile, dude.. and change it fast because look at how terrific I am and wouldn't you feel just awful having to break my heart after I was brave enough to write only to discover that I am not your type after all?


< Message edited by BitaTruble -- 4/1/2013 12:01:14 AM >

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to KinkyScientist)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Looking for some constructive criticism. - 4/1/2013 3:09:57 PM   
MasterCaneman


Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline 		You've got some good jokes on your profile. Good luck and welcome.

(in reply to Powergamz1)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Lookinf for some constructive criticism. - 6/2/2013 10:54:55 AM   
orgasmdenial12


Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline 		I'd drop the text speak criticism. There are grammatical and spelling errors in your post so it seems hypocritical to bash them unless you want to be bashed yourself. You are also counting yourself out in two ways - you don't want the text speakers, but the grammar nazis will have already seen the errors in your post and be put off also.

I didn't really respond to the line about being tied down, spread eagled and sodomised, it just sounded crass. Take it out or edit it to sound more like sexy fun and less like a generic wank fantasy.

Sorry if it came across harsh, just responding to your request for feedback :-)

(in reply to KinkyScientist)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Lookinf for some constructive criticism. - 6/2/2013 10:38:35 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

I'm finding that after writing to a potential submissive, they will look at my profile then clam up and never respond again.


I happen to adore brussel sprouts.

Beyond that, just because you contact a submissive doesnt mean she is available. Not everyone displays budding romances on their profiles. It could be that she is already chatting with someone else and isnt open to a potential with you right now.

Dont take silence personally. Sometimes silence is the best answer you will receive.

Good luck!

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to KinkyScientist)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Lookinf for some constructive criticism. - 6/3/2013 2:02:12 AM   
garyFLR


Posts: 4030
Joined: 5/11/2013
Status: offline 		Hi KS,

Yes your profile looks good, personally I'd knock out the ' not into scat, animals & mutilation', as most people would take that as a given anyway .

(in reply to KinkyScientist)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Lookinf for some constructive criticism. - 6/3/2013 11:58:03 AM   
mymymouth


Posts: 12
Joined: 5/5/2013
Status: offline 		There is a lot there that communicates like a first date. The tv shows you like are generally well received, as is the music you like and the outdoor activities, it's all very easy to relate to and therefore it feels like banter. But this isn't a first date and as a reader my eyes became glossy.

If I were you, I'd rewrite and try to refocus the profile to be about what I was looking for.

I mean. The very first sentence of line 4 is that you don't watch tv often but then immediately after that you list tv shows that you're into. That's an example of why I would be uninterested in that information, you aren't even interested in that information.

Then again you are trying to gain the attention of a female, which isn't exactly a science. My experience here is that a large number of female profiles are men, or without jobs hoping to get free stuff sent to them, or both. I think that if you're looking to date you would do better elsewhere. If you're looking just to hopefully talk to kinky people then your profile should communicate more clearly what exactly you are looking for. That's my 2c.

(in reply to garyFLR)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Lookinf for some constructive criticism. - 6/3/2013 7:16:21 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mymymouth
I think that if you're looking to date you would do better elsewhere.





And this is why men come here thinking bdsm = easy lay.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to mymymouth)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Lookinf for some constructive criticism. - 6/3/2013 8:50:44 PM   
AzHoneyB


Posts: 1
Joined: 1/25/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mymymouth


If I were you, I'd rewrite and try to refocus the profile to be about what I was looking for.



Baaaaadddddd advice. I hate reading a profile that goes on and on about what the guy wants, and says nothing about who he is. It makes me feel like he views this site as a submissive vending machine. Just put quarters in, and your perfect sub falls out! If you want to get my attention, you need to creatively and concisely describe who you are and what you have to offer.

(in reply to mymymouth)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Looking for some constructive criticism. - 6/3/2013 9:35:41 PM   
DomMeinCT


Posts: 2355
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		FR

You mention wanting intellect twice, yet still have "transplant" misspelled and "its" instead of the correct "it's" for "it is". Also, not "Upstate, NY" (as if it's a town name using a comma), but the correct "Upstate NY".

Negativity about text speak and immature demands to send a message in a particular way are still keeping you from coming across as a confident, reasonable adult. Screen your own emails and listen to the feedback you're receiving here that the women you want won't likely use textspeak anyway, but they will be turned off by the email demand.

The username is cute.

_____________________________

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:
if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
~ Carl Jung

(in reply to Powergamz1)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Looking for some constructive criticism. - 6/4/2013 9:59:02 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Remember, most profiles here are fake. The last week I had a good dozen 5' tall 18 yo join with DD breasts who weigh 90lbs, lol!

Even profiles for women in their 30/40s are largely fake. Men pretending to be women, ads for MILF websites, etc.


They scammers look at your profile hoping to get you to open up.


Its sad but true.

(in reply to DomMeinCT)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Lookinf for some constructive criticism. - 6/4/2013 1:05:56 PM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline 		it's a great profile. Change it if YOU think of something.

You know, it's really not the profile that matters too much. It's instead the message when you make your virtual approach to a woman like you make in a bar. BE confident, be yourself and be interested in her and be honest in your interest. Follow that advice and she'll like you even if you spell things incorrectly a few times.

So, forget the profile lawyers on here, they are always jumping on somebody's profile and picking. They pick and they pick because they really know nothing else. Instead, take it from someone who made the connections on the other side and met many wonderful women here, including the lovely you-know-who (she's on my profile) and was no better at profiles than you, maybe even worse than you. Work on your message approach and pretend you are in a bar and trying to interest her, walk up to her confidently and talk to her, virtually in this case.

Happy hunting.

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to KinkyScientist)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Lookinf for some constructive criticism. - 6/4/2013 10:02:46 PM   
njlauren


Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
Status: offline 		Not a bad profile, I liked it, had humor in it, and seemed to describe you as a person more than the typical profiles of dom men I have read, and that is great. About the only thing that jumped out me was the section about using IM words, I understand where you are coming from, but maybe you could put that as something gentler....the line where you write about tying her to the bed, and torturing and sodomizing her might turn off some people, it might appear a bit scary (I know where you are coming from with that, but it may be too much, too hard for a profile post for some women you might otherwise find would be willing to do that; on the other hand, if you are looking for a deep sub, then that might be a plus:). Personally I would pull out the line about body piercing and tattoos not being abuse, it kind if implies you would want to force your sub to get them or something (I don't think you mean that)...might be better to write something like "I appreciate women who share my love for tattoos and body piercing" or something like that.....

Just my thought. I think a lot of what you are finding is there are a lot of people who respond who have no intention of going anywhere with it, lot of them may not be women, or just curiousity seekers, the hit rate on here in general is dicey.

(in reply to Arturas)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Lookinf for some constructive criticism. - 6/5/2013 1:07:18 AM   
inchargeinca


Posts: 25
Joined: 5/26/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KinkyScientist

I'm finding that after writing to a potential submissive, they will look at my profile then clam up and never respond again.
While I am certainly not every ones cup of tea nor would I expect to be, I'd like some opinions on what my profile communicates about me.





quote:

ORIGINAL: KinkyScientist

I'm finding that after writing to a potential submissive, they will look at my profile then clam up and never respond again.
While I am certainly not every ones cup of tea nor would I expect to be, I'd like some opinions on what my profile communicates about me.





As others have said I'd cut out stuff like "Please read the whole profile before messaging me" and leave out the whole net speech thing. List what you want; not what you don't want.

Also, I don't think you're expressing how you are as a dominant. The style of your profile makes it seem like you just want a goofy relationship with a little tickling and the occasional swat on the behind. But then you bring up "pain" and the "Marquis de Sade" in a real offhand way. Kinky is one thing; the Marquis de Sade is another. I think you need to focus that.

Other than that, your profile is fine.

However, I don't think the journal really helps you. I understand you want to show your real personality, but I think it's too goofy and silly. Some of that is OK, but personally I think you're going overboard on all the jokes.



So I think it's a little unfocused.

(in reply to KinkyScientist)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Lookinf for some constructive criticism. - 6/5/2013 8:25:17 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Remove all negativity and demands.
Lead with the last paragraph.

What you want kinkwise should come last, if at all. You can actually eliminate them and use the lists to show what you're into.

Don't put down tv and then list what you do like. Write it positively ie: Only watching these shows. Enjoy them because ...

Nobody wants to be with a negative, demanding person. You wouldn't want to be with someone like that either, so it comes across as you aren't happy.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to inchargeinca)
Profile   Post #: 35
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