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Help identifying a sub please. - 3/31/2013 2:20:24 PM   
starride


Posts: 2
Joined: 3/31/2013
Status: offline 		First I would like to introduce myself a little.

I have lived in the swinger lifestyle for many years and have played in the Dom/Alpha role, I have also played (while very drunk) as a sub and found that while I have an extremely high pain tolerance I definitely am NOT a sub.

I have done some reading on the subject and I think I know how to tentatively identify a sub but am not an expert at it in any way. I have known and used many subs in the swinging lifestyle, Some of them were switch, some part time, some were full on slaves by choice. But all of them were controlled by their own dom. I have never been a dom.

Recently, on a trip to Russia, I met a woman that fits the psychological profiles I have read. Her actions and words really tell me there is something there; I think she may even have some training. I identified, without her even telling me, that she had daddy issues. But I also think she has been used and abused a bit.

Honestly I didn’t pick up on the signs for several days because I have never seen a sub in their late thirties that was not already in a long term permanent dom/sub relationship.

She has hinted to me that she likes things that a vanilla would not, like spanking and more, she has admitted to me that she had issues about her father, She always defers to me and refuses to make a decision unless I guide her. And quite frankly her sexual performance is of someone that has been trained to please. Her private persona is of some one very submissive but needs to be attended, she needs to be, I am not going to say the center of attention, but you definitely cannot take her for granted. Her public persona comes off as needing to be the center of attention but I think I see through it more as a need to be accepted, I have seen her let things slide, and let words slide that no normal vanilla woman would do.

I know this is a first post and there are a lot of bullshitters on boards like this, I am not bullshitting , I implore you to give me ideas how to figure this girl out. Please help me identify if she truly is a sub or not. Quite frankly I like this girl but my situation is one that I cannot keep her. If she really is a sub and not just some messed up woman I want to help her find peace and her place. I know the man she is presently with and I know he is in no way able to handle a sub, personally I don’t even think he would meet close to the definition of an alpha, hence why I think she latched on to me.

My time is short here in Russia I have to return state-side in a few weeks, I don’t want to leave without figuring out the best way to help her find her place even though that would mean without me.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Help identifying a sub please. - 3/31/2013 2:26:37 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: starride

Please help me identify if she truly is a sub or not. If she really is a sub and not just some
messed up woman I want to help her find peace and her place.

What a crock of shit. If your intentions on helping her were truly honorable, it wouldn't
matter whether she was submissive or not.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to starride)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Help identifying a sub please. - 3/31/2013 2:45:06 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

quote:

ORIGINAL: starride

Please help me identify if she truly is a sub or not. If she really is a sub and not just some
messed up woman I want to help her find peace and her place.

What a crock of shit. If your intentions on helping her were truly honorable, it wouldn't
matter whether she was submissive or not.

^^^ This.

I'll also add, that since you've only played a Dom and a sub.....you're not qualified to deal with her either.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to poise)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Help identifying a sub please. - 3/31/2013 2:48:57 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		None of the OP makes much sense to me. It doesn't seem as though you have much experience, which is fine, what's the big deal on putting a submissive label on this woman that you know?

Does she think she needs to find a label for herself? I mean is it torturing her or something to find something to hang her hat on? Seems to me the woman may be fine with pleasing people. There are a lot of people pleasers out there that aren't necessarily kinky.

I guess I don't get why you have to identify this woman, or anyone, as a submissive or not. Why is it exactly that you need ideas on figuring her out? For what? It's not like she gets a prize or anything. Being submissive is something people generally latch onto by themselves if they feel the need for it. I was fine all my life without calling myself anything. I had successful relationships during that time, I didn't need to wear a badge advertising myself as a submissive although when I heard about it later in life, I knew it applied to me. I don't have anymore satisfaction in life now than I did before, although I've enjoyed some fun activities.

Why do you have this need to slap a label on her? Why would that label help her find her "place"? Does it make her more valuable if you label her as a submissive, as opposed to her not being submissive and therefore "just a messed up woman"? Why the hell is she messed up for liking what she likes? So what if her other guy isn't what you consider an alpha? If she's got him in her life maybe she's fine with who he is.

I'm also not sure why you think submissive woman fit some psychological profiles. I assure you, no one out in my regular life would think I was submissive. What would it matter if someone had Daddy issues? I mean is this woman not living a fulfilling life? Then she needs therapy, not you "identifying" her sexual lot in life and thinking that will sort her out.

Here are my ideas: Take her at her word, let her figure out who she wants in her life, let her do things as she thinks is best for herself - after all you won't be around. Encourage her to go to therapy if she thinks she needs it. You are a temporary person passing through her life, it's not on you to fix her- what if she doesn't think she needs fixing?

(in reply to starride)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Help identifying a sub please. - 3/31/2013 3:12:55 PM   
itsapixie


Posts: 54
Joined: 9/11/2012
Status: offline 		Honestly, she sounds like a normal female to me. I don't think there is really any personality type that can be clearly labeled as submissive.

Are you hopeful she'll be a sub to your dom and are looking desperately for signs? Just because she likes spanking doesn't mean she's submissive. Maybe she just thinks it's sexy. And having daddy issues is sort of irrelevant IMO.

Why does it matter? If you believe she has some personal problems, why do you think the revelation of submissive/not submissive is a cure?

And why not just ask her if it's such a major thing to you?

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Help identifying a sub please. - 3/31/2013 3:32:15 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		So you've slept with her enough to grade her in bed, don't even live in the same country as her, and you don't think the man she's with is right for her?

FFS, bug out. She's with someone and it's not your place to try for her unless she's available.



_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to itsapixie)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Help identifying a sub please. - 3/31/2013 3:48:45 PM   
TheRaptorJesus


Posts: 640
Joined: 6/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: itsapixie

Are you hopeful she'll be a sub to your dom and are looking desperately for signs? Just because she likes spanking doesn't mean she's submissive. Maybe she just thinks it's sexy. And having daddy issues is sort of irrelevant IMO.


The fact that so many female subs like calling the guy who beats them and whose cock they suck "daddy" might be why the OP thinks women with daddy issues are more likely to be submissive.

I wouldn't say he's off base.


_____________________________

What if your God... were a motherfucking DINOSAUR?!

(in reply to itsapixie)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Help identifying a sub please. - 3/31/2013 5:58:17 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		So you are trying to couch this in you having some white knight syndrome? Really?

What this girl is has nothing to do with you at all. From your post of "my situation is one that I cannot keep her," tells me you are some guy committed to someone else, and while on a trip banged this girl. That gives you no rights to decide or "help" her straighten out her life, unless she asked. It would seem from your post she hasn't, so your job is to thank her for what I assume was decent sex, say goodbye and go back to your life.

Quite frankly, your whole post is insulting. "Psychological profiles," "I want to help her find peace," "her guy isn't an alpha." Fucking the girl didn't give you the right to judge her life.

(in reply to starride)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Help identifying a sub please. - 3/31/2013 7:14:46 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		You are not her rescuer. Leave her be.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Help identifying a sub please. - 3/31/2013 7:22:42 PM   
starride


Posts: 2
Joined: 3/31/2013
Status: offline 		Wow, I’ve seen some judgmental pricks in my days but this place takes the cake. I didn’t ask for judgment, or ridicule, I didn’t ask for anyone to tell me what I did was right or wrong, I asked for help in figuring this girl out and seeing if I could help her or not, Yes I admit I fucked up with her and I am a big enough person to admit it and admit I don’t have a clue about what I am doing here or what I am capable of doing to help her.

I am not hoping for anything, I honestly don’t want anything from her. I have also been honest with her that I would not leave my present life for her in any way.

But she has told me that many of the men she has been with just didn’t do it for her and she eventually cheated on them but she doesn’t understand why. I am not putting labels on her I only used the labels here because there was no other way to define her in words. And yes I freely admit I haven’t a clue about what I am going to do with her.

White Knight syndrome, well there may be a little of that but only because I have grown to care about her and want to see her be happy.

As one lifestyle’r to another, Judge not lest ye be judged. I won’t bother you again.


< Message edited by starride -- 3/31/2013 7:42:31 PM >

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Help identifying a sub please. - 3/31/2013 7:38:30 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		bye


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to starride)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Help identifying a sub please. - 3/31/2013 8:06:54 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

Ok, here's what you do. Find a dead kangaroo rat. Not a live one that you then kill. Has to be dead. Dont get all CSI or anything. Manner of death is irrelevant. Could have been attacked by a kangaroo cat. Could have picked a fight with a kangaroo bat. And not a regular rat either. Kangaroo rat only. Got it? Hold the dead kangaroo rat over her WHILE she's awake. If it swings clockwise, she's submissive. If it swings really fast clockwise, she's gone through training like in the Story of O. But if it swings counterclockwise or she eats it, it's a bad sign

Since you are leaving and you won't be taking her with you, what does it matter what she is? Sounds to me like you weren't the first and you won't be the last. Everyone else here is judgmental, yet you are labeling everyone a prick? Pot. Meet Kettle.

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 3/31/2013 8:14:58 PM >

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Help identifying a sub please. - 3/31/2013 8:10:35 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Help identifying a sub please. - 3/31/2013 8:44:20 PM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline 		I don't think you can "id a sub". Even if you could, there are cultural differences that can skew judgements (think about it..do you think someone raised in Saudi Arabia or Afghanistan would view ANY American woman as submissive? What we call submissive..they call normal). Likewise,,you don't know enough about her background or the typical way people are raised there. I guess what I am saying is..it does not matter WHAT you think it is what she thinks.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Help identifying a sub please. - 3/31/2013 8:55:04 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		Put on your big boy pants and stop whining like a baby.

You asked for advice we gave it. Let me make it perfectly clear:

It is not any of your business!

That sums up what everyone told you. What about that is not clear to you?

Oh here is another theory: She's a scam artist hoping you will give her money to set her up away from current guy (who is in on the whole thing).

Grow the fuck up.

(in reply to starride)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Help identifying a sub please. - 3/31/2013 9:27:52 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		Did you just read 50 Shades of Grey then go off and try to rule some Russian woman's life, taking her away from the guy she is with so when you do leave soon, you will leave her there all alone after you ruin her life??? My god man, you sound like a buffoon. I hope "the man she is presently with" kicks your meddling home-wrecking ass from here to kingdom come. You are the reason so many hate dumbass American tourists. I came, I saw, I shit all over the natives ruining their lives, then I went back to Cincinnati.

Um . . . . if you don't know the difference between a masochist or a submissive and can't find your own place, how can you help her find hers? I don't know what to say except that you don't seem qualified for any of this. You know nothing about BDSM and by the way, your "pain tolerance" has nothing to do with submission or being submissive.

edit: type-o



< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 3/31/2013 9:38:08 PM >

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to starride)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Help identifying a sub please. - 4/1/2013 12:16:40 AM   
FrostedFlake


Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline 		Congratulations.

NEXT!

_____________________________

Frosted Flake
simul justus et peccator
Einen Liebhaber, und halten Sie die Schraube

"... evil (and hilarious) !!" Hlen5

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Help identifying a sub please. - 4/1/2013 8:23:35 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist
Um . . . . if you don't know the difference between a masochist or a submissive and can't find your own place, how can you help her find hers? I don't know what to say except that you don't seem qualified for any of this. You know nothing about BDSM and by the way, your "pain tolerance" has nothing to do with submission or being submissive.


He apparently doesn't know the difference between Dominant/Top and submissive/bottom, either.

Even if he were someone with years of experience, I'd tell him that what he's trying to do is wrong. He's trying to interfere in someone else's relationship based on the fact that he thinks she's submissive and the guy she's with "can't handle a submissive".

So, as if that wouldn't have been bad enough......he has no clue about D/s. He thinks playing the Top role in a sex scene equals being Dominant and he thinks that qualifies him to "save" her.

It would be like assuming that you're a mechanic because you've managed put oil in your car and now you're trying to diagnose what's wrong with your neighbors car (without them asking), when there may actually not be anything wrong at all.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Help identifying a sub please. - 4/1/2013 10:16:40 AM   
evesgrden


Posts: 597
Joined: 6/9/2012
Status: offline 		Starride, you're making a mountain out of a molehill here. There's nothing for you to do, and there's no need for you to intervene. You want to help her find peace and you think she's submissive? Take a look at ResidentSadist's booklist, and send her the link. If she want to learn more about d/s etc., she will. This isn't some secret handshake club with mysterious means of analysis and finding one's inner truth. This is not about self-actualization.

D/s is a hierarchy, nothing more. One leads, the other follows and how that manifests itself in daily life is up to the people in the relationship. One person has final say, that's all.

Kinky sex is just playtime for grownups. It's kinky only because it's still unusual. If everyone used ropes, then ropes wouldn't be kinky. Oral sex used to be illegal... but you'd be hard pressed to find anyone call it kinky or perverted today.

So if you talk to your little friend again, I'd suggest you just be a friend. Not a therapist, not her playtime dominant, just a friend. That's all. If she wants to leave her beau she will. If she wants to learn about d/s she will.

No big deal. It's just life, it's just another form of a relationship and we each have to figure it out for ourselves.

_____________________________

What you permit, you promote.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Help identifying a sub please. - 4/1/2013 10:39:16 AM   
absolutchocolat


Posts: 1392
Status: offline 		Also, the Daddy/little girl dynamic is present in some vanilla relationships. It's really not a big deal.

Your kink ain't mine, but good God...don't try to be Freud with this girl. Labels don't make for good, healthy relationships. And no one is judging you...when you post something that sounds and smells like bullshit, don't expect people to think it's shinola.

< Message edited by absolutchocolat -- 4/1/2013 10:48:37 AM >

(in reply to starride)
Profile   Post #: 20
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