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RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/2/2013 4:35:24 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsLadySue

Having read the OP's very short profile, we need to take into account he's only 21. That explains a lot about his post

Yes, I saw that. Which is why I thought it might be nice to give him another view on the testing thing. He can take it or leave it, but as he seems willing to learn I thought I'd offer it. It wasn't meant as a dig on my part, simply a statement.

< Message edited by lizi -- 4/2/2013 4:36:23 PM >

(in reply to MsLadySue)

Post #: 21

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/2/2013 4:36:20 PM

knuckles9999

Posts: 12
Joined: 9/11/2012
Status: offline

Its not out of whimsy or anything like that and i dont make a habbit of it. I made things pretty clear i wasnt happy and was ending things and she asked me not to , said she was sorry, would try harder etc ...so prove it then is kind of my first thought on that one.

If she didnt want to continue with this or i thought she didnt want to continue with this then id let her go easily enough. If she had came to be me before she went behind my back then i would of been a lot more understanding.

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 22

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/2/2013 4:42:08 PM

MsLadySue

Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
Status: offline

It wasn't meant to be. You don't have the life experience we older folks do, hence your post asking for advice about your situation.

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Post #: 23

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/2/2013 4:45:15 PM

MsLadySue

Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
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I give you kudos for not stalking off all butt hurt as so many younger folks do when they don't like the responses. It proves you are mature and willing to listen to what others have to say.

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Post #: 24

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/2/2013 4:46:33 PM

TheLilSquaw

Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
Status: offline

OP,
I can't tell you how many "girls & women" go on webcam every day and THINK that what they are doing is private. When in-fact it's not. The person on the other side is not only recording them but then uploads the videos all over the web onto tube sites and sometimes pay sites.

I come across 100s of these types of videos DAILY.

So I don't blame her for NOT playing on webcam for you.

Where you going to be on cam as well or just her?
Not that would change my opinion about her getting on webcam. I'm just curious.

Had you both discussed and come to an agreement about webcam play being part of your dynamic BEFORE you made this demand on her?

If NOT perhaps working on communication needs to be your focus not cam play or you getting off on testing her.

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(in reply to knuckles9999)

Post #: 25

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/2/2013 4:54:27 PM

knuckles9999

Posts: 12
Joined: 9/11/2012
Status: offline

I know, im aware of all that...i actually had a girl try and record me years ago but obviously it effects girls more.

The thing is...we have done some stuff on cam...not to much but if i was one of those people who are just out to get her then i could of probably made a pretty decent porn video.

And i would understand it more if i was some random guy , we probably spent more time with each other than we do with anyone else by just the amount we talk and get along, and this is over a period of months...idk it just seems like alot of work, effort and time for a generic porn video.

She really wants to meet me, she keeps saying how things would be different in person..and i do beleive that part but i still think she should trust me more until then. For the last 4/5 months ive done nothing to lose her trust and everything to gain it ...it might not seem like alot but a lot of effort just for some porn movie.

Also after all this, you would think that if anything im the one that cant trust her.

(in reply to TheLilSquaw)

Post #: 26

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/2/2013 4:55:43 PM

knuckles9999

Posts: 12
Joined: 9/11/2012
Status: offline

Oh and yes, it would be both of us, like i said we have done some stuff already...just not nearly enough. Point is tho, if i wanted to of made that porn video then i could of.

(in reply to TheLilSquaw)

Post #: 27

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/2/2013 5:13:22 PM

Glittoris

Posts: 48
Joined: 2/24/2013
Status: offline

She doesn't owe you shit, you don't owe her shit. Walk away and find someone more compatible closer by. Let her play with whomever she wants in her reality, you play with whomever you want in your reality.

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(in reply to knuckles9999)

Post #: 28

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/2/2013 5:22:44 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: knuckles9999

Yeah i get what your saying. But were planning on meeting, its not like we just met or anything, we've been talking for hours everyday for months. We both knew it would take a bit of time before we were able to meet in person and we agreed that until then we wouldnt play or see anyone else.

Tbh the cam thing i understand. It was more of a way to test her to see if she was actually taking this seriously and to see how badly she wanted it. Again i only tested her because she decided to go and do things with that other dom.

I feel at the very least she could of at least told me she was going to do it before she done it and we could of talked about it.

That's the thing, though. You haven't met. You've never been in the same room together. Take My word for it. Spanking somebody in real life is a *much* different experience than somebody having to spank themselves on cam.

Testing people isn't the way to handle an adult relationship. Yes, the two of you could have talked about it before she played, but she didn't and that should paint a pretty clear picture right there. It's called not putting your life on hold for somebody when not wanting to wait.

There was another comment that you made that she doesn't know the person that she played with very well. Truthfully, you don't really know that. She might have *told* you that, but you don't know for a fact because you are not there. You don't have a clue of who she talks to or sees when she's not online with you. She didn't even tell you the other guy existed until after the fact.

If I were you, and you really think this is a relationship, I'd worry more about those things than what you can convince her to do on cam.

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(in reply to knuckles9999)

Post #: 29

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/2/2013 5:23:07 PM

ropekitten

Posts: 10
Joined: 3/11/2010
Status: offline

Are you asking for advice or are you asking for back-up? I read the little image on your profile (and it's something I need to plaster on my mirror because I can't seem to remember it myself) and would like to remind you of it. Unless you have negotiated an exchange of power, she is your equal and can do what she likes and she deserves fair and respectful treatment from you. If she doesn't like playing online, then she doesn't like it. It is not her job to provide you with free porn.

As for her wanting you to take her back... I am much older than she and have had much more experience, experience that should have taught me better, and I can still be bullied into begging for forgiveness (though I'm finally getting better at not feeling that I have to answer once a line has been crossed). Given what you have already written, I feel fairly comfortable believing that you wouldn't hesitate to put the pressure of guilt on her until she felt she had no other option.

My advice is to accept what she says as fact. She has told you that she doesn't get anything from an online "master" (neither do I). You can't change what turns her on. That is part of her being. She has told you something important and it sounds as though you are dismissing it. When you get together eventually, what else will you dismiss? What if she really really doesn't like something you crave? Will you dismiss that too? Will you next try to talk her out of her hard limits? It has taken me far too long to understand that I don't have allow myself to be bullied like that, that I must not allow myself to be bullied like that.

If she's for you, then you can relax your grip on her and she will stay. If she's not for you, they why would you want her?

My advice is to let her figure this out for herself without any more bullying. My advice would be to actually listen to her when she is speaking to you and hear what she is saying. If you want to be in control, then you must be in control of yourself first and not resort to abusing the power you have over her.

To me, a falconer is the ultimate Master. He can let his girl fly free where she can survive just fine on her own, but she returns to him of her own free will and even gives up what is hers to him. That trust and bond can only be developed by a patient Master who is completely in control of himself and who understands his "sub."

(in reply to TheLilSquaw)

Post #: 30

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/2/2013 5:27:32 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: knuckles9999

We have been talking for months. Hours every day. I think its fair to say i know her pretty well.

No actually you don't. You only know what she has decided to show you. Until you meet face to face, it's just cyber.

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(in reply to knuckles9999)

Post #: 31

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/2/2013 5:31:41 PM

ropekitten

Posts: 10
Joined: 3/11/2010
Status: offline

And if you are the injured party here, if she has broken your trust and continually goes back on her word, then why would you want to continue to put in all the effort you continue to pour into this?

"...she keeps saying how things would be different in person..." If she keeps saying that she wants to get together and it doesn't look like it is going to happen, perhaps it is possible that she is just leading you on, provoking you with her "bad" behavior....

I don't know that that's the case, but if it is, then cut her loose. Invest all that energy in someone you can see and touch. You don't have to be mean about it or lord it over her, there is no need for a competition here as to who was unfair to whom. Just politely let her go.

(in reply to ropekitten)

Post #: 32

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/2/2013 5:33:20 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: knuckles9999

Tbh the cam thing i understand. It was more of a way to test her to see if she was actually taking this seriously and to see how badly she wanted it. Again i only tested her because she decided to go and do things with that other dom.

I feel at the very least she could of at least told me she was going to do it before she done it and we could of talked about it.

If you need to "test" someone you are thinking of having a relationship with, the test is already a fail.

(in reply to knuckles9999)

Post #: 33

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/2/2013 5:48:05 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: knuckles9999

I was considered only taking her back if she done everything she did with that guy, with me online (or as close to as she could) Would that be fair do you think?

I may be deathly allergic to shellfish, but if some random man I've never met got some, then by God, I want some too!

See the logic? As a Dom, you want what you want. Wanting something simply because someone else got it is not really Domly.

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(in reply to knuckles9999)

Post #: 34

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/2/2013 5:52:48 PM

FrostedFlake

Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline

quote:

OP
My main question is this. Does she really have right to...

Yup.

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(in reply to knuckles9999)

Post #: 35

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/2/2013 7:54:57 PM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

~FRing it~

I'm attempting to go all kinder and gentler

For what it's worth, how is someone doing stuff to herself on cam for you to watch helping her pass some arbitrary test? Unless you plan on just sitting back voyeur style while she does stuff to herself when you are both together in real time, what is she proving by doing this? I've said it before and I'll say it again, cam/phone verification is akin to saying "hey, you're a fucking liar until proven otherwise." Testing her, my butt. Testing her to see if she can get the little General to arise from the valley of crotch maybe or perhaps whether she's a great candidate for the latest gameshow "How Stupid Is She?", but you arent going to test someone's seriousness about D/s from it. Just being honest.

Hmm...online dude versus reality dude...which wins? Reality every day of the week and twice on Sundays, my friend. But then agin, online doesn't pop my cork because I find it a bloody waste of time. But hey, that's just me.

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 4/2/2013 8:00:45 PM >

(in reply to FrostedFlake)

Post #: 36

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/2/2013 9:09:49 PM

absolutchocolat

Posts: 1392
Status: offline

Try this. Go to a munch, meet a real kinky lady and play in person. I swear, it will be much better than cyber play.

The problem with the cyber stuff is that it can feel very real. You spend time talking to someone, and your mind and heart fills in the blank spots. Do you know her full name? Address? Where she works? How about her home number? Do you talk to her at the same time every day? She could be married, have kids, bad credit, all kinds of stuff you didn't sign up for.

Use this as a lesson. Until you meet in person, assume it is all wank fodder. That way, it won't shock you when things like this happen.

< Message edited by absolutchocolat -- 4/2/2013 9:10:18 PM >

(in reply to knuckles9999)

Post #: 37

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/2/2013 9:24:09 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Basically ive been talking to this sub online for a few months . She is very new and ive been introducing her slowly. I like to think im understanding and fair. The reason that we have kept things online is just purely down to the distance, we were planning to meet at the first opportunity and just take things from there. (i know some people have their own opinions of ldr's. Thats not what this is about)

Basically we have been taking things very slow..she said she has a lot of issues trusting when it comes to playing online, which im sensitive to. But she told me tonight that she met another dom and basically just let him do whatever he wanted to he (ill spare you the details) but he pushed her limits.

This sounds to me, like a case of your snoozing, and losing. She lets you know, that she is not comfortable trusting people online, or playing online, and you choose exactly that medium to SLOWLY get to know her.

Once you had that information, why did you decide to go so slow, instead of hi tailing it to where she is to meet, and perhaps check her willingness to play in face to face situations? It's unfortunate that you only had online, clearly not exclusive relationship, and some other dom scooped her up, right from under you.

The result is this; it is my understanding, that you two were in the beginning of a relationship, and sounds from your reaction, that you are angry she stepped out, from your perceived budding relationship. She, like the rest of us, probably feel little-no loyalty to people who are figments of our imagination, having never met them. The real person will win every time.
This thing between you two may work, if you accept that she was free to be her, and she's been honest with you. Ask if she wants to pursue a relationship with you, I strongly suggest going to meet as soon as you can afford, determine whether there will be a relationship, and go from there. If you are intent on taking it slow online, you will likely get nowhere, and this or other play partners will continue to take care of her for you.

If you are into a woman, and want her in your life, make your best effort, and meet her as soon as you possibly can. For myself, passive, insecure people who need months, and years, become chat friends, or forgotten friends. M

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(in reply to knuckles9999)

Post #: 38

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/2/2013 9:32:14 PM

MistressDarkArt

Posts: 5178
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat

Try this. Go to a munch, meet a real kinky lady and play in person. I swear, it will be much better than cyber play.

OP, search for a TNG (the next generation) group near your area and go to it. My guess is you will have much better luck connecting with real people in person.

Online is horseshit unless you've previously met IN PERSON and have both agreed there is mutual chemistry. I know there's a dearth of women out there willing to play this game with you unless you pay for the service, so you feel disappointed and want to try to salvage something here. But...in person chemistry is a wild card no one can control. Please...please, take my word for it and adjust to that reality. Doing so will make your life much easier. Really.

It's my policy not to discuss kink until I've met someone in person and know for a fact I want to go hands-on. There's nothing more awkward and embarrassing than talkin' the talk online or by phone, then meeting and having to inform that person I wouldn't touch him if he was the last man standing, sitting, or lying down. This also has the added benefit of quickly weeding out the wankers.

Good luck to you. You seem sincere, and that will stand you in good stead.

< Message edited by MistressDarkArt -- 4/2/2013 9:51:04 PM >

(in reply to absolutchocolat)

Post #: 39

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/2/2013 9:35:40 PM

SomethingCatchy

Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: knuckles9999

Well...that was patronizing

It's also true, whether you like it or not. The things you've said here sound EXACTLY like things a man your age says about women. How do I know? Because I was a 21 year old woman once and I heard the things you've typed come out of 21 year old mens mouths. Accept the fact that your age limits your wisdom and continue to grow into the man you will be.

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(in reply to knuckles9999)

Post #: 40

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