RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice

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RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/2/2013 9:47:37 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
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From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: knuckles9999
My main question is this. Does she really have right to expect me to be understanding of her fear of playing online?

I'll ask you the same question I always ask in this situation... "What rights are we talking about and where do they come from?" To the best of my knowledge there are no standard "rights" that attach to the role of female, girlfriend, or submissive.

Perhaps the question you mean to be asking was more along the lines of, "What should I do if I want to do online BDSM play but she's already moved onto to person in real life?"

You point of "only taking her back if..." seems juvenile to me. Let's suppose Carol cheated on me right now in our marriage and she did some taboo sexual act with the new guy. Of what possible use could it be to me to have her perform the same taboo act with me? What's that got to do with anything? In that circumstance I'd be a bit more concerned about the nature of our relationship than which particular bit of her his cock went into.

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Post #: 41

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/2/2013 9:59:46 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: phoenixasubbie
If it is this kind of a mess before you even meet her, why would you want to proceed? Trust has already been jeopardized and that undermines the whole relationship.

Seems obvious enough to me that this is a train wreck speeding down the tracks....[/quote]Exactly! M

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RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/3/2013 9:03:57 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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The other thing is let's say that in a year the op can save up enough money for a one week vacation to where she lives. Has to stay in a hotel because there may not be any chemistry for real. Let's say it's a dream vacation.

Then what? It still doesn't tell you if you're compatible long term. You don't know if she leaves dishes in the sink which you hate. Or if she wants to sleep with the tv on while you need it dark and quiet.

It doesn't give you long enough to know if you have a chance of working out. So then what? Neither of you date or get laid for another two years till she can afford to visit you? Her car breaks down and there goes the vacation money. You get sick and aren't available. So another couple of years till you can hope to make plans again.

Why are either of you willing to put your lives on hold for an unknown period of time with no knowledge of whether you actually will like each other or not? Stay online friends, fine. But accept that each of you should be dating for real and seeking to find for real what you're doing as fantasy now. Because real friends want what's best for the other, and op, you're only thinking about what's best for your hurt feelings. And she's already told you she needs this hands on, not just cam.

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Post #: 43

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/3/2013 9:55:54 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat

The problem with the cyber stuff is that it can feel very real. You spend time talking to someone, and your mind and heart fills in the blank spots. Do you know her full name? Address? Where she works? How about her home number? Do you talk to her at the same time every day? She could be married, have kids, bad credit, all kinds of stuff you didn't sign up for.

Actually, one of the things that I ask when someone tells me that they really know someone from cybering - "How does s/he treat a waitress in a restaurant? Or someone that they consider lower on the ladder than them?"

Someone that has never met that person face to face, has no idea how that person interacts with the world because the only interaction has been between two people in a controlled environment.

I consider that to be a huge indicator. To quote Sirius Black, "If you want to know what a man’s like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals."

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Post #: 44

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/4/2013 9:03:42 AM

kai38

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Joined: 3/28/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Actually, one of the things that I ask when someone tells me that they really know someone from cybering - "How does s/he treat a waitress in a restaurant? Or someone that they consider lower on the ladder than them?"

My own experience, not too long ago, and somewhat related to this point: my previous sub and I totally got along during sessions, but outside the bedroom/whatever-room, I pretty much could not stand 50-75% of her behavior towards others. Think nearly perfect fit in fetish interests, nearly no fit elsewhere.
My take, as with many others above - move on, find a in-person partner and go from there. Unless you're into online only, in which case at least 1 other thread has advice for you.

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Post #: 45

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/4/2013 1:15:01 PM

SailingBum

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Joined: 12/10/2007
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OH NO more online drama. Get a grip! Allow me to bottom line it for you. You are LD the other guy is local guess what local wins most of the time. As far as your game playing goes "I was considered only taking her back if she done everything she did with that guy, with me online (or as close to as she could) Would that be fair do you think? " I'd tell you to go pound sand.

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Post #: 46

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/4/2013 2:25:58 PM

sexyred1

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Joined: 8/9/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: knuckles9999

I know, im aware of all that...i actually had a girl try and record me years ago but obviously it effects girls more.

The thing is...we have done some stuff on cam...not to much but if i was one of those people who are just out to get her then i could of probably made a pretty decent porn video.

And i would understand it more if i was some random guy , we probably spent more time with each other than we do with anyone else by just the amount we talk and get along, and this is over a period of months...idk it just seems like alot of work, effort and time for a generic porn video.

She really wants to meet me, she keeps saying how things would be different in person..and i do beleive that part but i still think she should trust me more until then. For the last 4/5 months ive done nothing to lose her trust and everything to gain it ...it might not seem like alot but a lot of effort just for some porn movie.

Also after all this, you would think that if anything im the one that cant trust her.

Actually, you are just some random guy until she meets you in person. Frankly, I am surprised that you 21 year olds hang out online instead of running around dating in person like I did in my 20's.

There really is not a lot of trust inherent online. I am a bit surprised that she even told you what she did. She does not really owe you anything.

And you telling her she needs to do with you what she did offline with him? That is just creepy, dude.

Try and meet people out and about, at your age the world is your oyster.

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Post #: 47

RE: Rare situation, looking for some advice - 4/4/2013 8:21:15 PM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: knuckles9999
we've been talking for hours everyday for months.

Honestly, that reads to me like your biggest mistake. My advice: don't do this again, unless you schedule a firm date to meet within a few weeks of first contact.

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Post #: 48