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RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 6:10:25 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

I can't tell you how refreshing your posts are. You want to learn and want to hear what others say about their experiences. Your obvious interest in information means that you should do well on your quest.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to GentleLovely)

Post #: 21

RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 6:19:03 PM

phoenixasubbie

Posts: 55
Joined: 10/28/2012
Status: offline

I have never got around to reading Screw the Roses..... but so many people recommend it, I am going to have to do it one of these days. I read Different Loving, and found that helpful

The advice you have been given already is priceless. Follow your gut is one I ignored and regretted every time. Don't do it.

Join local groups in your area, even if just on Fet Life. Get an experienced submissive to mentor you.

Someone should always know where you are. Learn about safe calls and use them.

But the number one thing, you are already doing. ASK questions and more importantly, LISTEN to the answers. So proud of a newbie! :)

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 22

RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 6:34:08 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

First, I agree with everyone else about the young group. I've heard it referred to as TNG (The Next Generation).

Second, I know you say you're looking for a relationship, but I'd suggest putting that on hold for a month or two and just get to know locals. Get to know what real people are like before some Horny Net Geek convinces you he's a Real Dom.

Third, you may want to see if an experienced sub woman will guide and mentor you a bit.

Welcome to the community!

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to phoenixasubbie)

Post #: 23

RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 6:41:58 PM

GentleLovely

Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline

I never discount information, especially when it's a person that has been successful on a journey that I myself wish to take. My grandmother used to tell me that we have two ears, two eyes and only ONE mouth for a reason, lol. I've learned that sometimes the best way to learn is to shut up and listen and it works. You can't actively listen if your mouth is moving.

I love, love, love learning, especially when it comes from someone's life experiences. There's so much information and feeling behind it, and that person may know something that others would never think about because they've lived it. I know first hand how important it is to learn from another person, but at the same time, not take that person's word as absolute golden. Compare, research, get a 5th or 6th opinion but never discount that info.

Sorry I'm rambling, lol, learning is a passion for me. It's just so exciting and I can't help myself sometimes :)

But I really do thank you for all that you're sharing with me, I really do.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 24

RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 6:45:46 PM

GentleLovely

Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline

Well thank you so much for the welcome and advice :)

I'm certainly rethinking my approach based on the information I'm receiving here and I think taking time to go to a Munch and meet some people is exactly what I need to do first. It's kind of hard to find a Munch in my area though that I can attend. I work weekends and go to school weekdays, looking to see if maybe there are some after 2:30 on weekdays though :/ I can definitely use a mentor though.

If it's not too much trouble, can I ask how I might go about finding a knowledgeable, experience sub mentor?

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 25

RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 6:48:34 PM

GentleLovely

Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline

Thank you, thank you :) I'm pretty good at listening. I'm taking notes as I read each post. I put my safety first above all and being ignorant of very real dangers is the quickest way to end up in a bad situation. I'm just so happy to have such a great source of information, and to be welcomed. It's really nice! Thank you!

(in reply to phoenixasubbie)

Post #: 26

RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 7:16:01 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GentleLovely
Thank you, thank you :) I'm pretty good at listening. I'm taking notes as I read each post. I put my safety first above all and being ignorant of very real dangers is the quickest way to end up in a bad situation. I'm just so happy to have such a great source of information, and to be welcomed. It's really nice! Thank you!

You are well on your way to a lot of learning, and fun. Don't think we're all about being careful; there is a lot of fun to be had, as you navigate this, and learn what you enjoy.
Keep your common sense, trust your instincts, and you'll be fine.

M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to GentleLovely)

Post #: 27

RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 7:16:45 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Here's The Orlando Munch Group.

Here's The Orlando Portal, the local TNG group.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to GentleLovely)

Post #: 28

RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 7:20:30 PM

GentleLovely

Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline

Thank you so much! I just found a munch I can attend Sunday after work! Thank you!

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 29

RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 7:22:56 PM

GentleLovely

Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline

I'm certainly hoping to have fun along the way :) The monotony of my life is driving me insane! Thank you so much for all your help. I really appreciate all the advice you have to give a newbie such as myself.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 30

RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 7:35:02 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Just start out with dating someone you feel you click with. Forget the training and the bdsm and fantasies, etc....meet someone that you like as a person, not as a fetish.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to GentleLovely)

Post #: 31

RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 7:54:07 PM

GentleLovely

Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline

Makes perfect sense, thank you :) I've definitely put some things in perspective, and my goodness what I've from you guys here alone today has help me weed out a few people that have sent me messages that I've been warned about. If you have any other advice to share please feel free if you don't mind. I'd love to hear it!

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 32

RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 8:24:24 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Yes. Based on what you've written, I'd say that your best matches would be Jewish men in their fifties, living in Colorado.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to GentleLovely)

Post #: 33

RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 8:38:52 PM

GentleLovely

Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline

Colorado :/ that's way too far for me :) but I'm sure Colorado has nice men there.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 34

RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 8:40:00 PM

GentleLovely

Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline

Lol, oh wait, I get it :D You got me there.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 35

RE: Is it too much? - 4/8/2013 7:10:16 AM

EligibleOwner

Posts: 51
Joined: 10/16/2009
From: London
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
I can't tell you how refreshing your posts are. You want to learn and want to hear what others say about their experiences. Your obvious interest in information means that you should do well on your quest.

I totally agree. This thread's a breath of fresh air.

You're certainly not asking too much. Not only is it okay to want a serious relationship - I think that shows how serious you are. You're right to go for it, and I'd advise you not to let any man talk you into anything that's more casual than you like, or that goes quicker then you'd like.

No, more "sexual experience" won't help you. The type of relationship you want isn't about sexual experience - it's an emotional thing.

There's no reason why an "experienced" dominant man (by which I mean experienced in D/s relationships; and I don't mean to imply that having this experience, or a man saying he has it, necessarily makes him better, or better for you) shouldn't want you. A man who's serious and suitable will be prepared to put a lot of work, energy and communication into your relationship, and into establishing and maintaining a dominance that works for you both. A man who's serious does not (in my view) expect a submissive woman to fall into his lap with all sorts of certified skills and abilities. It doesn't work like that. Every relationship is unique, just like in the vanilla world.

I agree with everything OsideGirl said - and I especially agree that you should avoid men who offer to "train" you in the sense of playing with you themselves in order to "train" you to be ready for other men. I feel, too, that that's a way of trying to exploit you.

I'm not sure I'm totally hostile just to the word "training" itself, though; when you find a serious relationship, I think you will need to put work into adapting to the way you agree to interact, and do lots of learning. And he'll need to put work into it, too, which you could call coaching or mentoring, or management or leadership, or something. I don't think it's unreasonable to use the word "training" for that. Perhaps the best way of saying it is this: when you're in a serious relationship, your dominant will give you all the "training" you need. You don't have to worry about getting it from anyone else beforehand.

The good news for you is that you're young and attractive and (most importantly from the point of view of serious men) your attitude is serious and impressive. You can afford to have high standards, and you should. Take your time, focus on what you need emotionally, and make sure you give the many who just want a bit of kinky sex with a pretty girl plenty of time to get bored with you and select themselves out. In time, I'm sure you'll find someone you can feel good about really discovering this with.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 36

RE: Is it too much? - 4/8/2013 7:59:50 AM

Bhruic

Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline

Great advice all round! Particularly as regards "training". While my sub and I engage in something we call training, its really just a euphemism for exploring and developing our D/s relationship, and (as its 24/7) our relationship in general. Be wary of overly dramatic Doms who bark about things like training and "no limits". It is, in my opinion, a sign of someone who is overly focused on their own desires, and is often a persona adopted by Doms to hide their own inexperience. A kink relationship is a relationship first. Love, respect and, above all, trust is vital to an experience that is satisfying to both.

On the subject of "no limits"... the fantasy of total control can obviously be powerfully erotic for both Doms and subs, but realistically everyone has limits, and it can be dangerous to get overly caught up in that fantasy and forget that. In my relationship we use a safeword system and my sub knows, and is frequently reminded by me, that she can invoke that safeword at anytime and whatever is happening will stop. There is never (and I believe there must never be) any negative consequence for invoking the safeword. This way my sub feels comfortable to imagine that she is under total control and this allows her to safely push her own boundaries, discover experiences she never knew excited her, and it allows our relationship to evolve.

I'm sure that there are those who will say that this is not a "real" D/s relationship... but I believe it is the only possible approach for a relationship that is based on love, respect and trust, and I wouldn't want to participate in a relationship that was lacking in any one of those elements.

Good luck in your search, have fun, and remember that a good sub has as much value and responsibility to the relationship as a good Dom does :)

[edited for typos]

< Message edited by Bhruic -- 4/8/2013 8:02:38 AM >

(in reply to EligibleOwner)

Post #: 37

RE: Is it too much? - 4/8/2013 8:40:23 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
Date someone. Take your time. Get to know him. Find out his likes, dislikes and needs. Work towards making those happen smoothly.

I, of course, completely agree with that. If you're a relationship sort of gal then you just need to find a relationship. You're just looking for the kind with sprinkles on top rather than the plain vanilla one.

quote:

And walk away from any guy that offers to "train" you.

Much as I hate how a perfectly worthwhile word has been corrupted in BDSM-land I have to agree. Unless, of course, this "training" is a part of the fantasy landscape which gets you hot in which case I'm fine with it so long as we all remember it's all just fantasy.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 38

RE: Is it too much? - 4/8/2013 9:02:50 AM

GentleLovely

Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline

I've already come across the men you're warning me about and I'm glad they started to contact me after I posted this thread. I don't even respond to them, and I'm glad to realize I don't feel bad about doing it. Normally I'll feel like a jerk for ignoring someone but this whole thread has put things into perspective for me.

There's no reason to feel bad for them when they won't care either way, their already on to the next girl :)

I thank you for your words and advice, they're like a breath of fresh air for me! The confusion and anxiety of not know how to begin and what things I should be careful of is just blown away from my mind now. I feel calm, organized, excited and so glad that I know what my next step is.

Thank you again for your words, whether you know it or not, they're life saving to newbies like me and maybe some not so new people to this lifestyle. All I know is they are completely welcome and necessary. Thank you so much :D

(in reply to EligibleOwner)

Post #: 39

RE: Is it too much? - 4/8/2013 9:09:01 AM

GentleLovely

Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline

Thank you for your advice :) I admit when I realized what I was into I was intimidated by what my relationship dynamic would be like, all I've known is vanilla relationships so this was pretty much like putting me in another country despite the fact that I don't know the language or customs.

But you just simplified it for me, lol and I feel silly for over complicating it as I have.

The sprinkles on top of vanilla, such simple words have brought such clarity to my life :)

Thank you!

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 40

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