RE: Is it too much?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Is it too much?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Is it too much?

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3] 4 next > >>

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Is it too much? - 4/8/2013 9:15:55 AM

zpenguin

Posts: 123
Joined: 1/14/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ
I think it is best to avoid 'mystical doms': those who claim to know you better than you know yourself.
Also, if you find someone who is personally compelling but your gut is telling you any variety of "No!", listen to your gut.

People who test you repeatedly, or those who request nudity on cam to either prove you are female or submissive... steer clear of those.
Don't get naked or have sex with anyone before you are ready.
If he is worth your time, he will be happily willing to wait.

If you have made an agreement not to play on say the first (or 2nd...or 5th) date and the guy tries to nudge you into it, then you know he is less likely to respect any limits or boundaries you may have.
Once you move a boundary or limit, it is very difficult to put it back.
So, decide what limits or boundaries are important to you (and because you are new, you may not instantly know what they are just yet; be patient with yourself), communicate their importance clearly and stick to what you know to be true for yourself.

If you find someone you like but your wants, needs and desires don't match with his, it does not mean you are not submissive enough, it simply means you are incompatible.

yuppers good advice

_____________________________

http://www.bdsmadultfulltilt.tumblr.com
http://www.adultfulltilt.com

<---^Zpenguin^--->

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Profile

Post #: 41

RE: Is it too much? - 4/8/2013 10:21:10 AM

GentleLovely

Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline

I think so too :)

(in reply to zpenguin)

Profile

Post #: 42

RE: Is it too much? - 4/8/2013 11:02:33 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GentleLovely
But you just simplified it for me, lol and I feel silly for over complicating it as I have.

*laughs* I can sympathize. I was pretty bewildered when I ran into all this too. Just to make it even easier for you.

You are a girl seeking a boy to tell her to do things.
At least some of those things you want to be kinky
Boys like to tell girls to do kinky things.

It ain't really rocket science. The rub is going to happen when some boy tries to tell you to do some kinky thing that you don't want to do. My advice is to treat that about the same as some random guy on the street demanding a blowjob.

People in relationships do all manner of shit that they don't want to do for the sake of the relationship. That makes sense when you've got a lot invested. If some guy you don't know and you have nothing invested in is asking you to do shit you don't want to do the obvious question is, "Why should you?"

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to GentleLovely)

Profile

Post #: 43

RE: Is it too much? - 4/8/2013 11:32:51 AM

GentleLovely

Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline

You are just full of good stuff :) Reading all this, it's getting easier and easier to turn down the ones that ask me to take a naked picture and send it to them when they don't even know my name. It's really disappointing to get some many guys that aren't worth anything, but it's good because 90% of them eliminate themselves without me having to do it, lol.

(in reply to JeffBC)

Profile

Post #: 44

RE: Is it too much? - 4/8/2013 12:06:33 PM

Rasciallymisty

Posts: 5749
Joined: 4/16/2012
Status: offline

hello and welcome to Collarme and the forums. I have to agree with everyone else your post has been nice to read and I think you will go far in the lifestyle. Best wishes to you. Just adding my two cents.

(in reply to GentleLovely)

Profile

Post #: 45

RE: Is it too much? - 4/8/2013 12:08:48 PM

GentleLovely

Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline

Well your 2 cents is worth more than that to me :) Thank you thank you for the welcome!

(in reply to Rasciallymisty)

Profile

Post #: 46

RE: Is it too much? - 4/8/2013 12:54:10 PM

Lucifyre

Posts: 1067
Joined: 3/27/2012
Status: offline

https://fetlife.com/groups/853
and
http://www.thewoodshedorlando.com/
and
https://fetlife.com/users/18600 (one of the woodsheds managers who is VERY approachable...they all are, but HoneyGirl imo is amazing!...well theyre all amazing LOL)

plus there is a submissive safe space run by Gingers_Snap, also a newbie round table run by servingwench, there's a TNG group run by -Chance- you'll also want to check out.

Mr and I are happy to accompany you to local public venues if you're too nervous to go alone.

You are NEVER obligated to send nudies to anyone or follow any given orders from anyone until you negotiate and consent to that specifically with someone. Training is bullshit unless it's something YOU are personally interested in (i.e. you can be trained in how to use a single tail, being trained as a submissive is bunk)

Feel free to p.m. me any time, or explore those groups on your own and ask advice from myself or any of the folks I just pointed you to (you can find all of thier profiles on the Woodshed fetlife group under the group leaders section)

I cannot sing enough praises for the Woodshed in regards to it being a safe place for younger newer people to get to know the local community and lifestyle. There are many caring and knowledgeable (sp?) people that run or attend that are willing to hold a newbies hand.
Both of the owners, Master_Cecil and MasterPenguin are really good guys and are always willing to point someone new in the right direction (usually the directions I've already pointed you in though LOL)

I wish you luck!

Luci

_____________________________

"Batteries? OMG, Bitch Please! My Shit plugs in!"
I do this because it fucking feels good.
I like girls who like girls
The thing about standards is: There are SO many to choose from.

(in reply to GentleLovely)

Profile

Post #: 47

RE: Is it too much? - 4/8/2013 3:32:18 PM

GentleLovely

Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline

quote:

Lucifyre

Thanks a bunch :) I've written to the people you recommended so I'm just waiting for a reply. I really want to go to a munch but they're all scheduled on days and times I work. Do you know of any that are during the week after 2:30?

(in reply to Lucifyre)

Profile

Post #: 48

RE: Is it too much? - 4/8/2013 4:19:22 PM

Lucifyre

Posts: 1067
Joined: 3/27/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GentleLovely

quote:

Lucifyre
Thanks a bunch :) I've written to the people you recommended so I'm just waiting for a reply. I really want to go to a munch but they're all scheduled on days and times I work. Do you know of any that are during the week after 2:30?

Sadly no, I don't. There is a Daytona Munch Vision coming up this Friday though but it's in the evening.

https://fetlife.com/events/161325

It is mostly the MaST group but they are all very welcoming folks.
Mr and I will be going so if you want I can save you a seat ;)

Luci

_____________________________

"Batteries? OMG, Bitch Please! My Shit plugs in!"
I do this because it fucking feels good.
I like girls who like girls
The thing about standards is: There are SO many to choose from.

(in reply to GentleLovely)

Profile

Post #: 49

RE: Is it too much? - 4/8/2013 6:08:09 PM

GentleLovely

Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline

That'd be too far for me but I'm trying to see if I can take off a work maybe the first or second week of May :/ I haven't had time off work in about a year and half and I'm pretty sure I'm due for a break, lol. I really, really want to go to munch though, really bad! I'm really excited about being able to finally pursue the lifestyle I believe is right for me and works is getting in the way

(in reply to Lucifyre)

Profile

Post #: 50

RE: Is it too much? - 4/8/2013 9:47:12 PM

DomZathrus

Posts: 11
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline

At the risk of being redundant within this thread, I wish more would do as you have and ask the questions you've asked. I think that this thread should be made sticky as well since there are such good questions and such good advice to go along with it.

It is really gratifying to see the great grasp of....well.....the totality of what a relationship should be.

OsideGirl hit the nail right on the head when she talks about D/s.
I believe that she made a comment in another thread about people living a D/s relationship without kink. I'd like to add that there are people that live it that don't even have a name for it. They have no contact with the BDSM community. I've known a few. They might be kinky out of sight of everyone but they don't show it to the rest of the world. It looks like a very traditional relationship.

The one thing to remember is that you are looking for a Relationship. And as all relationships go, they have a beginning based on some sort of spark.

I can't tell you what love is. Philosophers have debated the nature of love for thousands of years. But I can tell you what trust and respect are. Find the spark where you feel that respect, and develop that trust. And learn to recognize the difference between a dominant personality and an aggressive personality.

Dominants are in control......aggressives are controlling.
Dominants lead.......aggressives manipulate.

You will find that you will want to follow someone rather than be convinced or manipulated to follow.

And once you've found someone..... dominants will make you feel like you belong with them. To Them. You will be an extension of them.
All the time....every hour of every day.....(ok, we all have off days and no one is perfect)
But just because he isn't perfect....he will still strive for excellence.

Agressives......who the hell knows...once they get bored of toying with you they may go put baby ducks in an electric blender for fun.

The point is, find someone that you look up to and admire. Everything will come from there.

(in reply to GentleLovely)

Profile

Post #: 51

RE: Is it too much? - 4/9/2013 7:30:52 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomZathrus
The point is, find someone that you look up to and admire. Everything will come from there.

If we presume trying to create a D/s relationship as opposed to a hot D/s scene then I think that's some of the best advice I've ever read on these boards. I wonder how many subs would do a lot better to be looking for "someone they respect and admire" instead of "a true master".

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to DomZathrus)

Profile

Post #: 52

RE: Is it too much? - 4/9/2013 2:00:42 PM

GentleLovely

Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline

I'm definitely looking for that type of dynamic in a relationship. Start out with respect, and trust and maybe it will develop into love, as young as I am I realize that the guy you date today may not be a the guy you marry later on. I just want to experience something beautiful and special whether it lasts forever or not.

I do know that there are some kinks that I want to try but, not right away, I'm new to sex so too much, too soon is not a good idea for me. I need an emotional connection first, build trust and respect, then a gentle introduction into intimacy (my first and only time wasn't so good) and then add in the kink later.

I want to live my life as a sub, not just the bedroom.

That's pretty much what I'm looking for, and you're so right, there is no name for it. I've searched and this is as close as I get to what I need. But I certainly don't regret going this route. The people here are just amazing and kind, with such great advice that can be applied to any relationship, vanilla or more than vanilla.

Thank you for your input! :)

(in reply to DomZathrus)

Profile

Post #: 53

RE: Is it too much? - 4/9/2013 10:27:29 PM

DomZathrus

Posts: 11
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline

It was my pleasure, Gentle.

And thank you for the compliment, Jeff.

I really think that all the advice given in this thread has been great along with the original question.

The info is not just basic but a good foundation for any newbie.

Any chance to make this a sticky thread? I think a great many people would benefit from it.

If not, we can just bump it every couple of weeks to keep it near the top.

(in reply to GentleLovely)

Profile

Post #: 54

RE: Is it too much? - 4/10/2013 12:36:18 PM

GentleLovely

Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline

I have no idea how to make it a sticky. Perhaps we have to ask one of the admins to do it. I agree that all the advice here is what any newbie like me needs to read before doing anything.

(in reply to DomZathrus)

Profile

Post #: 55

RE: Is it too much? - 4/10/2013 12:40:38 PM

VideoAdminChi

Posts: 3086
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline

We only make administrative announcement type posts stickies, but do bookmark it or continue to post on it.

(in reply to GentleLovely)

Profile

Post #: 56

RE: Is it too much? - 4/10/2013 1:00:53 PM

GentleLovely

Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline

Okie dokie, thanks for the info :)

(in reply to VideoAdminChi)

Profile

Post #: 57

RE: Is it too much? - 4/15/2013 1:57:01 AM

ninetailedwhip

Posts: 3
Joined: 3/7/2013
Status: offline

There are masters out there who help new and the sub curious they are called mentors
They talk through with the newbie and explain the 3 basic set rules ie a safe word... hard limits and having a text buddy if your meeting someone for the first time .
And they do not charge for there services . never pay anybody to be in there life ..... ninetailedwhip

(in reply to GentleLovely)

Profile

Post #: 58

RE: Is it too much? - 4/15/2013 2:41:43 AM

CallMeB

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/14/2013
Status: offline

Train an animal inspire a submissive.

As has been previously said there are Mentors, my advice to you is to find not one but several members who are experienced and also from both sides of the slash, sub and Dom. That way you will get a balanced opinion not clouded by how the person defines.

Task setting can be for many an important aspect of building any D/s based relationship however any task given should allow for growth, it should be very clearly defined and monitored and also most importantly achievable. It is not a case of "you will do it because I told you to". The purpose of the task should be clear to avoid any confusion.

Is it something an Experienced Dominant wants to do? For me yes I do not have a problem with it as it is in the best interests of the relationship but only after a discussion has taken place and agreement has been reached to ensure Hard Limits are not compromised and also the reason why the task is required.

(in reply to GentleLovely)

Profile

Post #: 59

RE: Is it too much? - 6/2/2013 10:17:21 AM

orgasmdenial12

Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline

Training can be lovely if it's with the right person for the right reasons. My Master trains me every day to be a better submissive and we're both very happy. I feel myself growing and changing all the time, for the better, and I really love it. I'm no newbie, I've been into BDSM for 12 years now. BDSM terms go in and out of fashion and right now training is something that everyone likes to say is a load of rubbish - but actually if you enjoy it, your partner enjoys it and you are both getting something good out of it then there is absolutely no reason at all to avoid it. Just because others may not like it, it doesn't mean you won't.

Avoiding those who might use and exploit you is always a good idea, it's just that there are plenty of asshats who never talk about training at all. Judge a person by their personality and their morals, not by the phrases they use, as there is no right or wrong way to have a good relationship, only right or wrong people to have a relationship with. If the idea of training turns you on, go for it, and enjoy!

subbie xxx

(in reply to GentleLovely)

Profile

Post #: 60