AAkasha
Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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Just jumping in here with a fast reply.
This is the kind of thread that I think the "regulars" really should be ashamed and just get over themselves. Here's a guy who is 21 and asking some questions and several of you are being deliberately obtuse and difficult when you obviously know what he is trying to say, but to make a point, you are taking everything he says literally.
Abuse? As in, "hey baby, use and abuse me!" You know. like a *21 year old* might say?
It's as if you forgot what it was like to be young and have feeling of erotic, sensual, exploratory urges related to S&M, and you take great satisfaction in telling him he is going about it wrong, no femdom wants his "broken" form of selfish submission, and that he's selfish, confused, watches too much porn, doesn't know what abuse is, must think BDSM is all about sex, and are ready at the moment to jump on anything he might say that may be taken out of context to make you feel like experts.
And you know full well he is going to put his foot into his mouth a few more times, because he's 21, and he's horny, and he doesn't have the background or language or context to know what he wants. So instead of giving him a little bit of context, you'd much rather just tell him he's shit out of luck and his fantasies and desires are selfish and inappropriate, or immoral (ie, abuse).
At his age and experience, there's no way of knowing if he's a "sub" or a "bottom" or a "bedroom kinkster" - did you know at 21? Would you appreciate a bunch of "old timers" being condescending to you because you used the wrong lingo? He's expressing his ideas in the language he knows, and if you used YOUR base of knowledge about what S&M urges feel like -- just think back to when you were 21 and try to have some empathy here -- I bet you can understand where he is coming from. He is NOT being insincere. He just doesn't know where he's at yet.
So now we have another 21 year old on the verge of thinking older kinksters are a bunch of uptight jerks.
To the OP: It sounds like you have eroticized feelings of surrender, submission, helplessness. Yes, some women enjoy the idea of "vulnerability" (I do) and in some cases, that's magnified if a man is innocent -- truly innocent. There are drawbacks to that of course, because a man with no experiences also has to be taught everything. It all comes down to personal taste. You'll find that dominant women, under it all, are still just women. You may do better with older women, if they tend to seek out men who are younger because they like that advantage and like to have the upper hand from an experience level. But it still comes down to dating, getting to know people, etc.
As for what everyone else said about what a BDSM relationship looks like, and being selfish or having kinky things done to you - there are women that are sadistic and women who like to be "pampered" and tended to, and everything in between. You just have to find a woman who is on the same wavelength as you. If your desire is to submit physically to a woman who gets off on making you do things physically at her whim, just know that most women who are wired to enjoy that kind of control like it on their terms; while they may take your fantasies into consideration, they generally have their own arsenal of fantasies they want met -- and expect on some level for you to "endure" (while respecting limits). Then, they may use your fantasies and hot buttons to manipulate you into surrender.
At least that's how I operate!
But above all -- chemistry rules everything. Without lust, affection, attraction, there is no desire for domination. And a man being a sub is not enough for most femdoms to want to dominate him. He has to be desirable on all the "non kinky" levels, too.
To everyone else here: Lighten up on the new people, especially the young ones. It really sucks when you know what someone is trying to say ("abuse me"? do you really think he meant a woman hit him with a baseball bat against his will and put him into a hospital, REALLY?) and everyone just loves the opportunity to jump on him as if he's being literal.
Akasha
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