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RE: just a mom needing advice - 4/10/2013 6:18:17 AM

JstAnotherSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

I would just tell her that if she changes her mind and wants to to talk to him, that it's okay. Otherwise, I wouldn't push it. He's hurt her and I wouldn't minimize that by trying to smooth it over. (and to be honest, that's his duck to take care of).

This.

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RE: just a mom needing advice - 4/10/2013 6:40:54 AM

Toysinbabeland

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if he were a stranger, you would not allow him to treat your daughter this way , and you would let her know that she would never have to speak with him again or anything as painful as he put her through.

Just because he is her natural father does not entitle him to mistreat her.

As far as a court case goes, the courts lean heavily on the natural birth mother.
it may be right and it may not in different circumstances but that's the way it goes.
they also tend to frown upon people who have criminal records.

In reality when it comes down to it than most of the time to look at the best interest of the child.
I don't think anyone would agree with her father, because he is selfish and he messed with her emotions.
who does that to a child ? Especially their own child?

Not a responsible parent, no.

I think the worst case scenario is that the court will say that he is able to get visitation.
if it were my child I would literally keep her away from him as long as possible and bring positive male role models around her to enable her in her development.
I simply would not disparage her father, instead I would choose to point to his actions and say that he had made a mistake, that some people are incapable of understanding right and wrong, that he was simply wrong in his approach, and he could have handled things much better.

She needs to understand that you do not accept his behavior, and it's okay to not agree with his choices.

The thing to remember is that she will realize that she is a product of him and you together, so when you refer to him in a negative sense, you must always be careful that she does not learn to take that message personally.
that she understands that it has nothing to do with her, and that she is much too important to you to be treated with anything less than dignity.

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RE: just a mom needing advice - 4/10/2013 9:13:58 AM

DesFIP

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

So taking the child to a therapist of the kind that you suggest is likely going to be more harmful.

The kind of therapist I suggested isn't going to implant false memories. But allow the child to express exactly what creeped her out.

And that may be necessary information to present to the court if this guy decides to petition for visitation. Because if a therapist can state what happened and offer her assessment that supervised visits only should be allowed, it will carry more credence than a fight between the parents with he said/she said.

At 8, a kid isn't really able to do cognitive behavior therapy. Nor is that what's indicated here. What is needed is factual information which the op does not yet possess.

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RE: just a mom needing advice - 4/10/2013 4:49:15 PM

slaveluci

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Honestly, I would rule it out. Completely. His behavior simply doesn't fit any of the behaviors of a pedophile. So taking the child to a therapist of the kind that you suggest is likely going to be more harmful.

Being total strangers to everyone involved and only hearing bits and pieces from one of the individual's here, it's all just a bunch of extreme speculation on both your parts. It's really a totally pointless pissing contest.

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RE: just a mom needing advice - 4/10/2013 5:36:30 PM

breagha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

And don't forget the dad was hurt, even if an asshole. I am not saying it should count for anything over 1% of the scope of the issue, but ...........

he was hurt... and his parents stated that he was angry and hurt and that is why he said it. still doesn't make it ok. i would be devestated if my daughter didn't want to see me.

quote:

I agree with this assessment. I would say that it probably, in part, has to do with his volatility. If he just randomly behaves the way he did on the phone, even if not directed at her, it would have an impact. It could be a number of things, but I do agree that it doesn't have bribery/guilt pattern that is usually evident during abuse.

i don't feel that there is a phyical abuse going on. He is very volitile and doesn't think about how he effects the people in his life with his actions or words. For an adult that is easier to deal with than for a child. She is scared of him. Scared to make him upset, disappoint him, let him down...

quote:

First off, you didn't state what he was convicted for....secondly, I'm not even qualified as a parent (since I met my son when he was 31) but I would say this....if you're in this guys life (via your daughter) because you were stoooopit, accept that and keep him away because...birds of a feather and all that.

indeed i was stupid at one time Lookie. Thanks for pointing that out. He was in jail for being a dealer, violating his probation... and then his parole. The things that fell under the veil of violation ranged from assault in the third to aggrevated DWI to dealing again. i do the best i can to be the best mother to her. i've never withheld her visiting, i've never told her he is a bad person ( even though sometimes i wish i had ), i've let her make her own decision. she's old enough to know whether she wants to be around him or not. if it had been totally up to me he wouldn't have ever seen her again after she was 4

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RE: just a mom needing advice - 4/10/2013 6:03:51 PM

breagha

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uuugggg.... i have tried to type this out three times now... forum is giving me issues tonight

basically i would like to say thank you. i came here to ask advice because i needed ( a ) to hear it from people that are not emotionally attached to this situation ( as my friends and family are ), ( b ) to be sure that i was making a decision not based on what i felt about him and our history but about what is best for my child, and ( c ) to see if someone had an alternative solution that i maybe didn't see or think about.

i'm not perfect. i don't claim to be. i do my best to be a good mother. i'm sure there are times that i fail. my daughter's happiness and well being are my number one priority. She is the best thing to happen to my life. i realise that this post is just one side of a 2 ( or 3 ) sided story. My ex can be a very good and kind hearted man. When drugs and alcohol get involved though he changes. He becomes dangerous and his fuse is about an inch long. He doesn't seem to care about anyone in his life that might care about him when he is in this state. He snaps quickly and says whatever is in his mind to hurt the person that caused him to snap. i hope that one day he can overcome all of this and be the man i know he has the ability to be. my daughter deserves to know that man... unfortunately she has had little exposure to that part.

thank you again for all the really great advice. Once again... you have all helped me in my tough decision

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RE: just a mom needing advice - 4/10/2013 6:06:45 PM

LafayetteLady

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You are approaching things in just the right way. Keeping an open dialogue with Marlie (that's her name right? Don't feel like flipping back) keeps her aware that she can talk to mom about anything, and apparently, she doesn't that. Good job. Great parenting skill.

She wants to see her paternal grandparents, and I assume you are ok with that. However, you haven't really said how they feel about the whole situation, and whether they will adhere to your rules and what your daughter wants.

Today, people are quick to rush their child to a therapist, and I really think that is just not the best idea. Nothing you have said indicates she is struggling with this, and she is openly talking to you about her feelings.

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