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So I tried to see if I was truly done... - 4/9/2013 6:01:26 PM   
Poloboi234


Posts: 61
Joined: 5/29/2012
Status: offline 		We'll I had to see if I was really done with the lifestyle... and I think I am. I had a play date with a person that I have been talking to for a while. Had role play, nipple clamps etc.. giving the person pain, and making them orgasm, hearing them whine, all of it etc... and...

I don't think this is for me. I didn't get the rush of satisfaction I thought I would get, I didn't get the euphoria or the "horniness"... I just didn't feel it. He wanted me to be sensual with him, and I couldn't do it at all. He kept saying that I was "weird" as he thought it was crazy or psychotic that I wanted to watch him "squirm", and "inflict pain" on him but I refused to kiss him, or cuddle or anything. This person during our play said he was "Straight/ Bi curious" but I realized he was "gay" (lies anyone?) and that is the root cause. I'm not "gay" and it seems that the only people that would let me "play with them" want something sexually from me that I am refusing to give.

We spoke at length before our session, of him trying to convince me to 'Try things' or give in to the temptation or lust, but as it went on he realized what I said, I was only aroused by the "control, the power, and the infliction of pain'(though it was mild)...
I honestly feel that BDSM is rotting my brain, and making me something I'm not. I'm intrigued by it, I mean the mentality of if, the hidden reasons or social problems of the "subs" that require it, and I love to have them open up to me, or be broken in front of me... but afterwards comes regret... I don't like hurting people in normal life, have always been the one to stop fights, or considered a "good guy" to be in love with the infliction of 'pain' is unsettling to me...

I said I would give myself 1 year to see if this was something I wanted.. coming upon the last month, and I don't think this is for me. Besides the idiocy of jeopardizing a career I could have, I am doing things that I don't want to do (non-sexual, but relenting on limits..) and I don't like the constant lies of people, regardless of sub or dom, people looking for me to be more than I said, it really irks me.

If I tell someone that I am a straight dom, and they seek me out, I don't like being coerced into trying to do more than the limits, and I don't like thinking of inflicting more pain to as assurance it won't happen again. I guess what I'm saying is that this lifestyle is intriguing and many of the people in it are excellent and smart, but some people who use it for attention (random gay guys, straight bi guys, mentally ill people, girls etc...) turn me off to it. I also realized I don't like relishing in being sadistic... I like it to be just two buds messing around, and I realize what I want is so mild compared to anyone else's needs or wants, that I don't fit in this world for right now, and I don't think I want to anymore.

The person I was talking to viewed BDSM as weird but would try it for me, but I can't do this... it doesn't do it for me the way a normal realtionship does... I don't like the feelings when i am done, the lowness, or the "how far did I take it?" or the, "Did I take it to far with this person?" etc... I just don't think this is healthy for me or my pysche right now.. with the stress of life, school, career and the thought that I am looking for companionship through something so weird and strange as this from my normal lifestyle is getting to me... I just feel this world is making me "weird" or mentally off... and I don't like that feeling.. (coupled with my medication... I don't know anymore..) so I have to give it up... it was a fun year... but I behave reckless within these confines and I don't trust myself, and I am not as safe or as percautioned as I should be in finding partners, people to role play with, or even discreation... I'm just not mature enough for this, or to be anyone's master at all.. I think that is what has made me go through so many emotions within this lifestyle.. I'm still in the "I don't know if I want to truly commit or partake in this phase"... while I seem to be destroying my life ambitions or jeopordizing my future for "play dates" though I have talked to the people for a long time... they (A lot of them are gay, or bi curious, and i'm straight and do not want sexual relations... when people find this out... it scares them... I mean that I would only be doing this to inflict pain... like a sociopath..) don't understand I just like the power, and most people don't understand that... I just feel the low's that I feel afterward aren't good, and I felt like a rapist (after a play date with a sub girl) because of tying the girl up, and forcing her to do things (All consentual, and it was agreed upon before... I just don't like forcing a woman at all...) so I don't think I am as sadist as I thought.. I just like the "mild" things in this world (making them do dishes, or wear clothes, or paddling etc.. but all in fun..)

So I learned what I needed to know, and I am done for the most part(besides my one close friend where it is a vanilla type thing, not to bad all role-play, no sex) and I won't partake with anyone new or anyone else... Also I have found my desire for this is fueled when I am on ADHD medication as the meth in the drug makes a person insanely horny and obsessive and you will go to the ends of the earth for a goal to get done... I realized this... I'm done for now... ( I know this letter isn't to declare to those on collarme, but it is something for me to write to comeback to and remember why I am over this, or just easier to put convictions down in writing.. no disrespect...)

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: So I tried to see if I was truly done... - 4/9/2013 6:30:58 PM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Poloboi234

I'm not "gay" and it seems that the only people that would let me "play with them" want something sexually from me that I am refusing to give.



I'm confused... If you're not sexually interested in men, why does your profile lists you as bisexual and specifically indicates you're only looking for men?

If you're not bisexual, I'm not surprised you had a bad experience... Lots of straight people don't enjoy playing with the opposite sex.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to Poloboi234)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: So I tried to see if I was truly done... - 4/9/2013 6:36:09 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		I find your post to be confusing:
1) You say you are a straight dom but you seek out men?
There is nothing wrong with topping a man, and that is what you seem to be drawn to.
Within the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid that doesn't really match with your being "straight".

2) If you mind the thought of being dominant compelling to the point where you come back to it after you are "done" you might want to speak with a kink friendly or kink aware therapist to help you work through your issues.
Another option might be to seek out Sex Addicts Anonymous: http://saa-recovery.org/ since you are writing about the self-destructive nature of your impulses.

3) There is nothing wrong with having fantasies of dominating either gender and leaving them as just fantasies.

quote:


I just like the "mild" things in this world (making them do dishes, or wear clothes, or paddling etc.. but all in fun..)


4) There is nothing wrong with only liking the mild things.
There is no BDSM enforcement agency.
You pick and choose the activities you wish to engage in with your willing partner.




_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to Poloboi234)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: So I tried to see if I was truly done... - 4/9/2013 6:36:18 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		OP, does this jukebox play any other tunes?


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: So I tried to see if I was truly done... - 4/9/2013 6:37:08 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

OP, does this jukebox play any other tunes?



Yes, the I hate men, but I play with them anyway threads.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: So I tried to see if I was truly done... - 4/9/2013 6:43:11 PM   
Poloboi234


Posts: 61
Joined: 5/29/2012
Status: offline 		Ishtar(sorry for spelling)

It's simple. I like to play with straight, masculine subs. I wrote 'Bi-sexual' because I have gotten oral from a male before. Though I don't consider myself 'bi sexual' I have engaged in that act. But I'm not sexual within role play, and do not desire or want to be. The last male I role played with, I let him give me oral, after him begging to do it, and me feeling guilty and I just allowed it. It isn't something I really want, but I guess it's barter for play as many wouldn't let me 'role play' with them if they couldn't get some sexuality out of it. Though I don't want it really at all, and I would rather just be the dom. But I digress that isn't what most people would allow to play with them.

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: So I tried to see if I was truly done... - 4/9/2013 7:01:43 PM   
Poloboi234


Posts: 61
Joined: 5/29/2012
Status: offline 		Ladypact- haha I understand your point.

I'm just lost right now in my life and BDSM is something I wanted to "try"... but as I got deeper and the requirements that people would put on me, or that others wanted of me.. I found myself trying to please.. please a sub, or give in a little bit here and there. Though it does nothing for me at all, just to feel like I didn't completely screw the person over or completely use the person. I am just lost right now...

I moved to a new state and area, and Los Angeles is a tough place if you weren't born and raised here.. very lonely, and dangerous... I seem to be just losing my morals (though I was into BDSM, I have morals) and it was compelled with lack of sexual relations with women (had a GF for a while, broke up, didn't want to commit to anyone for a while and wanted to try and see the other side of kink and other interests..) and always being an "out there" and "try it out" type of person I went that route... I just feel like I am using it as a distraction or a way to keep me stimulated from the hussle and bussle of a "wife and family" and obligations... I still don't know who I am yet, and when I thought I figured out whom I was (24 years old) I moved to Los Angeles and for the last 4 years I lost myself... my soul, my personality, the way I am.. I'm always alone, or seek isolation... my only outlet was BDSM in some ways with people that were like minded and novices in the "scene".. but I have been reckless with personal info, with protection (no sex, but have gotten oral without a condom) and I realize I'm acting retarded, insane at times (cuz of my high adderall perscription), and implusive... just for attaining a goal.. I'm just not stable enough for this, and I don't think I even want this... I come here to talk to other masters to see if there are others who have felt like this..

Or am I just a weirdo?

I think I'm becoming weird.. or that I'm trying to destroy myself because of my own personal failures and that could be why I went into BDSM...

for instance... I know I'm not gay at all, but I seek out male subs to see if I can resist it or even moreso to prove that I am not gay. I have female subs that want me to tie them up and have my way with them (which is a many a man's dream) but I relent and refuse that temptation... it's weird.. I know...

I have BDSM people I role play with in a mild friendly way, as I used to joke with my friends.. because I miss my old friends and I don't have any friends anymore (not truly in at least 3 years..).... I've been in a rut for the last 3-4 years... and I thought during my rut I would try out everything..BDSM, harder drugs, different career paths... but I am just ending up confused and lost.. and BDSM is helping clutter my mind, not ease it.

Just I don't think it's for me.. I don't think it ever was.. and I think me being a "Master" was a form of control because nothing else in my life is under control right now.. now my fear is that though I didn't have any sexual relations with anyone during this trek... I have had oral, with random people (checked them out, but don't know them personally) and will that have any bearing on my future? it scares me (though I know they probably won't remember me, as I barely remember the 10+ role play dates..) but the fear is still there... that is where my brain is at... I guess it may be hard for many of you to understand.. but I was raised in a very "small town" and I was always the adventurous type.. now I'm starting to feel that this lifestyle is taking me or forcing me into situations or places I swore I wouldn't go, and I don't want to go.. but I am relenting on due to feeling "guilty" for beating a sub, or being too cruel if that makes sense... (probably doesnt...)

(in reply to Poloboi234)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: So I tried to see if I was truly done... - 4/9/2013 7:10:04 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Poloboi234

I moved to a new state and area, and Los Angeles is a tough place if you weren't born and raised here.. very lonely, and dangerous...I seem to be just losing my morals


Yet, I moved to LA from a small town of 3500 people in CT, managed to acclimate and not lose my morals.

You're blaming the city for your own actions.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Poloboi234)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: So I tried to see if I was truly done... - 4/9/2013 7:11:32 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		It doesn't sound like you had much control as a dominant partner; that you were more of a "service Top": taking care of the needs to those who bottom to you... and you don't like being used that way.


Here's the thing: there is not one variety of BDSM.
There is a nearly endless variety of the things 2 consenting people can do together in bed.
BDSM is just a label we give some of those things..


quote:


and I think me being a "Master" was a form of control because nothing else in my life is under control right now


BDSM is not any sort of substitute for therapy.

And given your risky and out of control behavior, I suggest (again!) http://saa-recovery.org/ . It may not be applicable, but then again... you may find they can give you tools to help reign yourself in.




_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to Poloboi234)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: So I tried to see if I was truly done... - 4/9/2013 7:11:55 PM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline 		Oh you're THAT guy. I didn't catch that from from my phone (which I'm on cause collarchat won't let me connect from my home network today).

Yeah I think you're right... The lifestyle isn't for you. I think you're not interested in BDSM but very interested in domineering what you consider to be "weaker" men, because you inherently insecure about your own image as an alpha male. That's got nothing to do with BDSM though, and you probably won't find BDSMers interested in that.

Good luck achieving ballance in your life.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to Poloboi234)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: So I tried to see if I was truly done... - 4/9/2013 8:51:49 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		Not gay
PS, is it gay that I like that guy's muscles...

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 4/9/2013 8:55:35 PM >

_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: So I tried to see if I was truly done... - 4/9/2013 9:24:46 PM   
UnholyBear


Posts: 661
Joined: 10/19/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Poloboi234

I'm just lost right now in my life and BDSM is something I wanted to "try"... but as I got deeper and the requirements that people would put on me, or that others wanted of me.. I found myself trying to please.. please a sub, or give in a little bit here and there. Though it does nothing for me at all, just to feel like I didn't completely screw the person over or completely use the person. I am just lost right now...





So essentially you delved in BDSM because you were running away from issues in your life? In my opinion, no you don't belong in this until you do the work to find yourself and fix what is wrong in you life, as you see it. BDSM isn't something you use to fix what you don't want to face in life on a day to day basis.

_____________________________

Shameless flirt and just as unholy as ever!

Gauge's cuddlemuffin

CD's manwhore


(in reply to Poloboi234)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: So I tried to see if I was truly done... - 4/9/2013 9:56:40 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I think it is very cool when people discover that the fantasy that runs in their head is not as pleasurable in real life as they imagined. I do not believe that everyone should indulge in BDSM. And I certainly don't encourage people to keep at it when it is clear that it is not for them. I do congratulate you on discovering this early on, too many keep doing it because they have been encouraged to think this is who they are.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to Poloboi234)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: So I tried to see if I was truly done... - 4/9/2013 10:00:41 PM   
MasterCaneman


Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline 		OP, not to be a prick, but didn't you quit in the last post? Or are you still trying to convince yourself of something and are using us as an audience. I don't mind being a sounding board, but you're not asking any questions, you're just telling us all the freaky and dangerous stuff you've been doing that's giving you heartburn or whatever it is you're going through.

You've told us this is risky for you and your career, yet you keep putting this out in a public forum where it's essentially going to live forever somewhere. What's to say that ten years from now, when you've gotten your shit together in a nice little ball, maybe you're heading to something big, senior executive, maybe even politics or something like that. And some clever little operative for a rival starts snooping around the archives and digs these little gems up.

I can understand that you have some mental health issues, and there are things that go on in there only you can describe. Therapy sounds like something you could use. The scene is not therapy, not the kind it sounds like you need. I wish you the best of luck, again.

(in reply to UnholyBear)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: So I tried to see if I was truly done... - 4/9/2013 10:08:59 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83

Not gay
PS, is it gay that I like that guy's muscles...

I love that link! lol

_____________________________

I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.


(in reply to ARIES83)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: So I tried to see if I was truly done... - 4/9/2013 11:40:13 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		Blah, blah blah. Guess the career isn't going so great as you claimed, so you need to seek your attention here.

Has it occurred to you that we simply don't care? From your posts, we have gathered that you never were a "dom" at all, rather
a bully who likes to pick guys up off Craig's list in an attempt to quell your own insecurities.

I love how now you blame it on the Adderall. Nice try, but many of us are quite familiar with it, and nope, it shouldn't be doing that if you actually have any type of Attention Deficit Disorder.

Perhaps Perez Hilton can help you. Or releasing a sex tape seems to really rocket other careers. Look at Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson.

(in reply to Poloboi234)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: So I tried to see if I was truly done... - 4/9/2013 11:51:15 PM   
Poloboi234


Posts: 61
Joined: 5/29/2012
Status: offline 		LadyLaffeyette- I'm not an actor, or anything that would be or deemed in the "media" think in the business sense.

I am a bully of sorts.., I'll take that. But someone up there got it right. I like to dominate lesser men, BDSM or SM gave an avenue from that, and I don't want to be really having sexual relations with random peoples wives for the (cuck old scenes) so thought maybe BDSM would fulfill it.. it does not. So I now know.. but thanks for your concern. Love yah.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: So I tried to see if I was truly done... - 4/9/2013 11:58:55 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		Fast Reply

It sounds like you both wanted something different from the start, both tried to persuade the other person to want the same thing, and then went ahead with it anyway.

If you knew he wanted sensual/sexual and you wanted pain only, surely it was never going to end well.

PS - Why are you so desperate for someone to agree that you are weird? Everyone's sexuality comes in unique shades, there's no prize for being quirkier than the rest.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: So I tried to see if I was truly done... - 4/10/2013 12:38:36 AM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Poloboi234

But someone up there got it right. I like to dominate lesser men,


Not what I said... I said you like domineering what you consider to be weaker men.

If had ANY suspicion at all that it was dominating you enjoyed, I'd never tell you BDSM isn't for you.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to Poloboi234)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: So I tried to see if I was truly done... - 4/10/2013 1:00:26 AM   
Poloboi234


Posts: 61
Joined: 5/29/2012
Status: offline 		UllrsIshtar- Yes you're correct. I like to dominate "lesser or weaker" men is my kink. I found a person that gets that, but we aren't into the intensity of BDSM or what it entials more go with the "vibe" type. But if I am to play, it's only going to be with him and he know's it's non sexual just dominance.

Atheniasurrenders- yeah. I messed up. He kept hinting on being sensual, and I kept trying to get him to play with the role. It ended up in him being "whiney" the entire time, me regretting it not even half way true, then it being awkward through out, and him just being "whiney", but wanting me to do sexual things, bite his ear, kiss him, etc.. things I detest and I am not into at all. So I did not. But, I realize where this is leading me... so I'm stopping for now. If my one friend (normal) wants me to play with him, it'd be alright. But if not him, not happening. No more new slaves, or people trying to be my slave for now.. I just need to focus on what I need mentally for now, and my future.

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 20
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