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setting them free - 4/14/2013 10:17:56 AM   
JayAmbrose


Posts: 7
Joined: 4/13/2013
Status: offline 		Alright guys, I'm new to the site here but not the lifestyle, now my question is setting your slave free. We have all had to do it at one point in time but my question is there an easier way to do it. I just went through this a couple of days ago and it sucks for me to admit it but it hurt, and it hurt a lot. Its a terrible feeling to have to remove your collar from your slaves neck, and that's just what I had to do.
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RE: setting them free - 4/14/2013 11:51:03 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		That's just the way it should be. Ending a relationship should hurt.

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RE: setting them free - 4/14/2013 11:53:41 AM   
JayAmbrose


Posts: 7
Joined: 4/13/2013
Status: offline 		Saddly I agree with you

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: setting them free - 4/14/2013 12:10:21 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		You are asking if their is an easier way. Well, an easier way than compared to what?

Also, I'm going to disagree with Steven up to a point. No, ending a relationship shouldn't hurt if it is the best thing for you or removes a person who deals with relationships in an unhealthy way.


_____________________________

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RE: setting them free - 4/14/2013 12:59:39 PM   
muhly22222


Posts: 463
Joined: 3/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

No, ending a relationship shouldn't hurt if it is the best thing for you or removes a person who deals with relationships in an unhealthy way.


That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt in an immediate sense. It might not hurt a few weeks, months, or years down the road for that reason. But even knowing it's the right thing to do won't make it have less of an emotional impact.

OP...long-term relationships don't have easy streets, either while you're in them or when you want to get out.

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RE: setting them free - 4/14/2013 1:01:39 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		This isn't any different than breaking up with someone...be it bdsm, hetero, gay, vanilla or whatever. The feelings are exactly the same. The only thing that makes it better is time.

Remember...this is not a bdsm issue but a human one.


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RE: setting them free - 4/14/2013 1:27:27 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
That's just the way it should be. Ending a relationship should hurt.

Well, it'll hurt in proportion to the value of the relationship. So if the ending didn't hurt then....


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: setting them free - 4/14/2013 2:43:06 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
Well, it'll hurt in proportion to the value of the relationship. So if the ending didn't hurt then....
Not to distract from the thread, but I can't quite say that I agree. Should it 'hurt' a person in a Domestic Violence situation to leave it? Should it 'hurt' if a person ends a toxic relationship? If a person is detrimental to your life, it shouldn't hurt to remove them.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: setting them free - 4/14/2013 3:53:57 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
Well, it'll hurt in proportion to the value of the relationship. So if the ending didn't hurt then....
Not to distract from the thread, but I can't quite say that I agree. Should it 'hurt' a person in a Domestic Violence situation to leave it? Should it 'hurt' if a person ends a toxic relationship? If a person is detrimental to your life, it shouldn't hurt to remove them.




But it often does.
Many partners of domestic abusers love the person who is abusing them.
Being a "worthy" of love is not necessarily a requirement.
There are many people who grew up in abusive households who did not stop loving their parents.

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RE: setting them free - 4/14/2013 4:39:31 PM   
MercTech


Posts: 3706
Joined: 7/4/2006
Status: offline 		It hurts even if you are sending someone packing because they turned into a loon.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
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RE: setting them free - 4/14/2013 5:07:18 PM   
HisPet21


Posts: 395
Status: offline
quote:

That's just the way it should be. Ending a relationship should hurt.




I mean, I totally get LadyPact's point. Ultimately, removing someone toxic or abusive from your life is gratifying and rewarding but, oftentimes, feeling that relief takes time. When you freeze off a wart, it hurts for a few seconds before the relief of being healed kicks in. I know, it's a weird example....

(in reply to MercTech)
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RE: setting them free - 4/14/2013 6:47:49 PM   
JayAmbrose


Posts: 7
Joined: 4/13/2013
Status: offline 		You guys have great views. And the domestic abuse metaphor was a great one. I didn't expect this much support this quick, thaks guys

(in reply to HisPet21)
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RE: setting them free - 4/14/2013 7:03:47 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
Well, it'll hurt in proportion to the value of the relationship. So if the ending didn't hurt then....
Not to distract from the thread, but I can't quite say that I agree. Should it 'hurt' a person in a Domestic Violence situation to leave it? Should it 'hurt' if a person ends a toxic relationship? If a person is detrimental to your life, it shouldn't hurt to remove them.




But it often does.
Many partners of domestic abusers love the person who is abusing them.
Being a "worthy" of love is not necessarily a requirement.
There are many people who grew up in abusive households who did not stop loving their parents.

You took the words right out of my mouth, angelika. I totally agree with LadyPact that it "shouldn't." That doesn't mean it doesn't.
luci

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RE: setting them free - 4/14/2013 7:04:53 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

This isn't any different than breaking up with someone...be it bdsm, hetero, gay, vanilla or whatever. The feelings are exactly the same. The only thing that makes it better is time.

Remember...this is not a bdsm issue but a human one.


Well said......luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: setting them free - 4/14/2013 8:09:23 PM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline 		Good Lord! Talk about serendipity... I apparently was NOT aware that I had NOT been set free! OP...I won't hijack your question with my own problems...I will just say..from the other side..it might feel crappy to end things, it might feel crappy to be told things are over, but..at the end of the day it is better to do what is right and causes temporary pain...then try to avoid the pain and just to leave the other person to guess what is going on.

(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: setting them free - 4/15/2013 12:17:04 AM   
sansa


Posts: 56
Joined: 12/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
Well, it'll hurt in proportion to the value of the relationship. So if the ending didn't hurt then....
Not to distract from the thread, but I can't quite say that I agree. Should it 'hurt' a person in a Domestic Violence situation to leave it? Should it 'hurt' if a person ends a toxic relationship? If a person is detrimental to your life, it shouldn't hurt to remove them.




Greetings, Lady Pact,

sansa feels she should say something here and hopes it is not viewed as disrespectful, as she does not mean it to be.

Nine and a half years ago, sansa left an abusive relationship with her ex husband. It was a relationship that ended up dissolving one night at the county fair with her 18 month old and 2 month old in tow. At the time, she was already uncertain about staying, but the incident that happened that night changed everything for her immediately. He told her if he hurt her she wouldn't be able to call the police on him if she was dead in a ditch somewhere. she remembers the words as if they were yesterday and she remembers the terrified look on her 18 month old's face as her daddy was screaming at her mommy on the way home from the fair that night.

Should it have been satisfactory immediately to her when she left him at the house and went to her parents that night?
Should it have been satisfactory immediately to her when she called the police on him the next morning to have him arrested?
Yes, perhaps it should have. But do you know how sansa actually felt? she felt as though she were the betrayer in the relationship. she felt as though she was the one who was doing wrong. she felt as though she was overreacting and maybe there wasn't much to be really worried about after all. It wasn't until weeks later that the hurt dissolved and she started to get angry over how she'd been treated that she started feeling the satisfaction of knowing she'd removed her abuser from her and her childrens lives. But, yes, she was hurt. she was very hurt that the relationship with the father of her children was falling apart and she was not yet to the point she was ready to see that she was better off without him. she was very hurt that he'd treated her the way he did when all she did was love him with all of her heart and give him two beautiful babies as evidence of her love for him.

Again, she means no disrespect in saying all of the above, she only wishes to submit her own experience as evidence that yes, ending an abusive relationship Does hurt just as much as ending a non-abusive relationship does. Perhaps it even hurt sansa more. she went through that relationship serving him with just as much heart and love and care as she would serve a Master today, even though she didn't at the time know what the M/s lifestyle was. she just knew that making him happy and pleasing him and serving him satisfied her and it hurt so much when he would hurt her, whether it be physically or emotionally, but she stayed through all the hurt, loved him through all the hurt, until it clicked that day that he might actually harm her and if he did, she wouldn't be there for her babies anymore. They're so very much more important to her than anyone else and she knew she had to leave, no matter how much it hurt to do so.



For the OP: in sansa's opinion, it should always hurt. It doesn't matter the circumstances of the parting, there should be at least a tiny bit of regret that it had to happen, and yes, regret can be viewed as a form of hurt. sansa hopes You will be able to move past Your grieving period soon so You may find someone who may better suit Your needs and desires.


Well wishes to A/all,

sansa

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: setting them free - 4/15/2013 2:58:45 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
Well, it'll hurt in proportion to the value of the relationship. So if the ending didn't hurt then....
Not to distract from the thread, but I can't quite say that I agree. Should it 'hurt' a person in a Domestic Violence situation to leave it? Should it 'hurt' if a person ends a toxic relationship? If a person is detrimental to your life, it shouldn't hurt to remove them.




As others have said, what you shouldn't feel and what you do feel are often very different things. In DV situations, the abused (typically the woman, so I will use female pronouns) comes to a point where they know they need to leave for their safety, but it doesn't mean they aren't still in love with their abuser.

Even in a divorce, their is typically a "mourning" period. Same thing even with just ending a friendship with someone who is toxic to your life. Our emotions don't always get in line with our brain right away.

In all these situations, there is what I call a "mourning" period for a lot of reasons, although the most common tends to be a sense of failure. I don't mean failure in the sense of thinking you should have done more, but simply failure that the relationship fell apart. When I got divorced, it was my decision, and I have never regretted it, but there was still those bad feelings for the relationship not working out, and I was the one who knew it needed to end.

On the other hand, far too often here, we here about those who are heartbroken and completely lost after very short relationships (a month or so) or even when they never actually even met, but only spoke on line. Imagine how "hurt" those people would be if they were in a position where they were in a committed relationship with someone for 20 years and then it ended?

In other words, it's all relative. When relationships end, we hurt because we had hope and the end means that hope is temporarily lost.

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: setting them free - 4/15/2013 3:49:14 AM   
Lucifyre


Posts: 1067
Joined: 3/27/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sansa


sansa feels she should say something here and hopes it is not viewed as disrespectful, as she does not mean it to be.




Perhaps if you would please write your posts in the first person instead of the third person they would be more easily understood. Tell your story, but don't detract from it by using a writing style that to some of us is a bit like nails grating across a chalk board.

Thanks
Luci

_____________________________

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The thing about standards is: There are SO many to choose from.

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RE: setting them free - 4/15/2013 6:02:05 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
Not to distract from the thread, but I can't quite say that I agree. Should it 'hurt' a person in a Domestic Violence situation to leave it? Should it 'hurt' if a person ends a toxic relationship? If a person is detrimental to your life, it shouldn't hurt to remove them.

I could have been more specific. The "hurt" that we perceive is the pang of loss for what we had hoped would be true. So yes, it can still hurt to leave a poor relationship because we still had hopes of "happily ever after". If it doesn't hurt, then you never had any hopes or else those hopes are so far buried in the past and/or pain that they don't matter anymore.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: setting them free - 4/15/2013 6:05:57 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucifyre
Perhaps if you would please write your posts in the first person instead of the third person they would be more easily understood.

Just to cast the other opinion, as much as I prefer 1st person also I found her writing particularly clear and eloquent.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Lucifyre)
Profile   Post #: 20
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