RE: setting them free

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LadyPact -> RE: setting them free (4/15/2013 6:52:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC I could have been more specific. The "hurt" that we perceive is the pang of loss for what we had hoped would be true. So yes, it can still hurt to leave a poor relationship because we still had hopes of "happily ever after". If it doesn't hurt, then you never had any hopes or else those hopes are so far buried in the past and/or pain that they don't matter anymore. Yes, I understand your point. At the same time, to Me, there's a difference between what you thought you had and the reality. It's kind of early for Me, so let's see if I can explain it in a better way. If you are ending a dead relationship and being finished is just basically acknowledging that it's time to pull it off of life support, you may have already gotten yourself through those other emotions already. There are instances that the relationship has deteriorated to the point that you don't really feel affection for the other person or their words and/or actions towards the end have already allowed you to process. Then, you really are down to an adjustment period of that person not being with you, but even that isn't grieving the loss of the person. You may have already done your grieving over the person you 'thought' you were with and the person that they became by the end of the relationship doesn't bring up 'hurt' when the final nail goes in the coffin. Granted, I should have read the OP a bit carefully to see that his time frame was two days. However, if you really are happier without a certain person in your life than you were with them, it doesn't necessarily have to be a terribly painful thing.

JeffBC -> RE: setting them free (4/15/2013 6:57:13 AM)
chuckles Near as I can tell we are violently agreeing about two different facets of the same problem :) I can tell you that when both of my previous marriages terminated there was a ton of pain involved. the fact that they needed to end didn't change the wrenching pain. It is why I say fervently that I would not wish divorce on my worst enemy (even as I acknowledge that it is sometimes needful).

LadyPact -> RE: setting them free (4/15/2013 7:12:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC chuckles Near as I can tell we are violently agreeing about two different facets of the same problem :) I can tell you that when both of my previous marriages terminated there was a ton of pain involved. the fact that they needed to end didn't change the wrenching pain. It is why I say fervently that I would not wish divorce on my worst enemy (even as I acknowledge that it is sometimes needful). Probably. We usually are. I'm also tempted to say that, depending on the circumstances, if one of the people in the relationship has already processed some of the emotions prior to the official end, and the other person hasn't, it's going to kick the ass of the person who hasn't more. I hate to phrase it this way, but it's almost like having a head start on the grieving process. Then, it's just finality. Had I known that I would always be reminded of something SimplyMichael put up on these boards years ago when the subject of ending relationship came up, I'd have paid more attention to the exact wording. It goes something like, "If you go to bed every night hoping that tomorrow will be better, and every morning you have to face the fact that it never will, you have no one but yourself to blame for consenting to be miserable."

Aswad -> RE: setting them free (4/15/2013 8:41:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC Just to cast the other opinion, as much as I prefer 1st person also I found her writing particularly clear and eloquent. Seconded. I'm not particularly fond of thirdspeech, but what she wrote was easily understood. IWYW, — Aswad.

sexyred1 -> RE: setting them free (4/15/2013 10:55:51 AM)
You can break up with someone and intellectually you know it is the right thing, but emotionally, you have a harder time with that. Knowing something is better for you, does not make the loss of a relationship easier. I ended my relationship and I KNOW he was bad for me, but it does not stop me from hurting and I don't see it stopping anytime soon.

Rasciallymisty -> RE: setting them free (4/15/2013 11:18:22 AM)
I think breaking up and pain just go together when the heart and mind are involved.....no matter how prepared we are for it. JeffBC, I concur and would also never wish divorce on my worst enemy. Having dealt with a divorce and death ....I have come through the death a whole lot better. [:)] OP I do not think there is ever an easy way to let go. That is just my two cents. [:D] Best of luck to you in your healing. kar PS as much as I dislike when someone refers to themsleves in the third person, I also concur she made her point rather clearly.

puppytora -> RE: setting them free (4/15/2013 6:26:54 PM)
whether one speaks third person first person second or 10th matters not puppy speaks in third person as a kajira she takes no ownership of anything from body to name so as such speaks in the third person............. instead of worrying about it being written in third first tenth or 100th person, how about commenting on the topics brought up in the reply made.......... not just that but this thread is NOT about whether one speaks third person or first or 100th now is it?

FrostedFlake -> RE: setting them free (4/15/2013 6:30:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC quote: ORIGINAL: Lucifyre Perhaps if you would please write your posts in the first person instead of the third person they would be more easily understood. Just to cast the other opinion, as much as I prefer 1st person also I found her writing particularly clear and eloquent. On the other hand, I didn't read it. However eloquent it may have been, it means not a thing to me.

DesFIP -> RE: setting them free (4/15/2013 6:36:51 PM)
Even if it wasn't a good relationship, you should need to mourn the loss of the dream. And the recognition that you are culpable in the failure of the relationship. But if you have to release someone, it should hurt because it should point out that you aren't good at choosing partners, you aren't good at inspiring them to submit, and you aren't good at getting into their heads, earning their trust, etc.

LPslittleclip -> RE: setting them free (4/15/2013 10:01:00 PM)
yes unfortunatly circumstances change and sometimes it does not work like it has before or should, when neither of you are reciving what is desired then it needs to end. it does not make it any less painfull or emotional for either side of the kneel. changes in dynamics and other stressors can alter the chemistry to where it is a losing battle no matter what is done. i can never forget what was and is no more, s0o i will proudly say i was Hers. my desire and feelings are strong and it will hurt for some time to come. just remember that it was done for the best for all involved proud to have served little_clip

Bhruic -> RE: setting them free (4/16/2013 7:22:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Not to distract from the thread, but I can't quite say that I agree. Should it 'hurt' a person in a Domestic Violence situation to leave it? Should it 'hurt' if a person ends a toxic relationship? If a person is detrimental to your life, it shouldn't hurt to remove them. And yet it does hurt. That is why so many people don't leave toxic relationships when it would better if they did. Your point sounds perfectly logical in theory, but in practice it sort of ignores human nature and emotion.

LadyPact -> RE: setting them free (4/16/2013 10:00:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Bhruic And yet it does hurt. That is why so many people don't leave toxic relationships when it would better if they did. Your point sounds perfectly logical in theory, but in practice it sort of ignores human nature and emotion. No, I'm sorry, but it's not universal. The emotion really can die before the official end. It really can be a situation where there is nothing left to mourn. The "should" is not absolute.

JeffBC -> RE: setting them free (4/16/2013 10:17:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact The "should" is not absolute. Much to my personal annoyance, I find very few absolutes when it comes to humanity.

KaruSF -> RE: setting them free (4/17/2013 1:01:53 AM)
Maybe a better analogy would be that freeing a slave (or having a slave ask to be released) is a lot like dealing with a decayed tooth. No matter whether it gets pulled, or root-canal done, or festers till it falls apart, it's gonna be unpleasant. Having said that, getting it over with quickly works better than slow, continuous pain. It hurts to fail. Letting go of a deep, intimate bond that at some point was a source of pleasure just sucks. The specifics of "how to" have to match those who are involved. What's right for me and mine won't always be right for you and yours.

HisPet21 -> RE: setting them free (4/17/2013 1:12:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: Bhruic And yet it does hurt. That is why so many people don't leave toxic relationships when it would better if they did. Your point sounds perfectly logical in theory, but in practice it sort of ignores human nature and emotion. No, I'm sorry, but it's not universal. The emotion really can die before the official end. It really can be a situation where there is nothing left to mourn. The "should" is not absolute. You know, when I first replied, I was all on board with the "it always hurts" mentality, but now I am starting to back track. Upon greater reflection, I think I've been through both types of break-ups, both the "it hurts even if it shouldn't" and "there is nothing left to mourn" kind. My last serious relationship ended for me before it did for him. I tried to leave, he asked for another chance, and I said "yes" (like an idiot) even though I knew it wouldn't work out. We tried for another six months and when it ended, I had about an hour or two of crying and eating ice cream before I stopped caring. I'd already started mourning before things were officially "over" and didn't even realize it. Although, that was the only break-up like that. The rest were much more painful. Weird.

SassySarijane -> RE: setting them free (4/17/2013 2:44:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: Bhruic And yet it does hurt. That is why so many people don't leave toxic relationships when it would better if they did. Your point sounds perfectly logical in theory, but in practice it sort of ignores human nature and emotion. No, I'm sorry, but it's not universal. The emotion really can die before the official end. It really can be a situation where there is nothing left to mourn. The "should" is not absolute. I agree with LadyPact. It doesn't always hurt. I ended an abusive relationship some years ago and my love for him had died a good while before it ended. The only emotion I felt when he was finally gone and couldn't come back was overwhelming relief. I felt no hurt, no sadness, nothing but relief and feeling finally free.

UnholyBear -> RE: setting them free (4/18/2013 4:28:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: Bhruic And yet it does hurt. That is why so many people don't leave toxic relationships when it would better if they did. Your point sounds perfectly logical in theory, but in practice it sort of ignores human nature and emotion. No, I'm sorry, but it's not universal. The emotion really can die before the official end. It really can be a situation where there is nothing left to mourn. The "should" is not absolute. I often wonder in some cases where the emotional involvement is gone yet a person still mourns the fact that the relationship itself is over. Meaning the person isn't mourning the loss of the other person but of the relationship "entity" gone? I'm thinking of how some people are in relationships for the fact that they are in a relationship itself opposed to being in a relationship because they want to share their life with another.

IBandit -> RE: setting them free (4/19/2013 12:45:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: UnholyBear quote: I often wonder in some cases where the emotional involvement is gone yet a person still mourns the fact that the relationship itself is over. Meaning the person isn't mourning the loss of the other person but of the relationship "entity" gone? I'm thinking of how some people are in relationships for the fact that they are in a relationship itself opposed to being in a relationship because they want to share their life with another. I like this thought on the "entity" verses the person. I also wonder if the emotional pain is a little greater for the simple fact a BDSM "entity" can be harder to find?, and maybe farther and fewer in between or to begin a relationship with? verses a vanilla kind of relationship?(which I can find on every corner). I mean, I can sleep with someone vanilla and let them go during the same night with no pain at all. But!, when I have worked someone over that I just met in the same night, there seems to be a greater attachment and it is harder to see them off. The memory is much greater with a BDSM trick. A one night stand vs. a one night BDSM stand is not the same thing at all where I am concerned. I have never been in a long term BDSM committed relationship so I can only speak from a one night stand to a few days which may explain why I am more attached? Perhaps for those who enter BDSM ONLY or VANILLA ONLY tricks & relationships, they may not know a difference? vs those who do both vanilla & BDSM? I definitely have a much stronger mixed emotional attachment to people in BDSM vs Vanilla but that does not mean I would love one any more or less where love alone is concerned. And then the sharing their life with another is a great thing especially when both really want that. What would be so bad with sharing their lives with more than one (as in poly) from the POV that being with the same person for a lifetime could get boring especially if one really wants BDSM and the other doesn't and the BDSM feelings don't come out until several years into the vanilla relationship. This leaves the possibility of a setting them free and/or open relationship where the collar belongs to another and not the one you live with. I doubt very many are fortunate enough to find/share everything they desire in only one person or only one relationship "entity". Many questions to ponder.[sm=sigh.gif]

sexyred1 -> RE: setting them free (4/19/2013 12:56:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: UnholyBear quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: Bhruic And yet it does hurt. That is why so many people don't leave toxic relationships when it would better if they did. Your point sounds perfectly logical in theory, but in practice it sort of ignores human nature and emotion. No, I'm sorry, but it's not universal. The emotion really can die before the official end. It really can be a situation where there is nothing left to mourn. The "should" is not absolute. I often wonder in some cases where the emotional involvement is gone yet a person still mourns the fact that the relationship itself is over. Meaning the person isn't mourning the loss of the other person but of the relationship "entity" gone? I'm thinking of how some people are in relationships for the fact that they are in a relationship itself opposed to being in a relationship because they want to share their life with another. And yet another perspective could be that you are mourning the loss of what once felt perfect, what had potential and then went south.

DesFIP -> RE: setting them free (4/19/2013 2:23:00 PM)
Absolutely. You entered into the relationship with a dream and hopes. If you didn't have any of that, you wouldn't have gotten involved to begin with. And eventually you have to realize that all your dreams and wishes are dead. That is something worth mourning even if the relationship itself wasn't.

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