RE: Played - to unconcievable depths

RE: Played - to unconcievable depths (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid

Message

candleTC -> RE: Played - to unconcievable depths (6/24/2006 9:01:43 AM)
gets all protective in roleplay mode for about three seconds as i throw on my superslave cape with the big s on my corset and swoops up riot, wraps her tight and allows her to cry, rant, scream, bite or whatever needs to be done... Then yelling to the rest of you that possibly have NO clue to BACK OFF!! Ok, roleplay over, rant begin... Something that some of you have failed to notice, she is indelibly hurt. This is not something that is going to go away in a few short posts stating that she should get over it. Some of us have been following this "process" for quite sometime and remember that He left her... packed up his belongings, moved out, but WOULD NOT release her and demanded that she still "play by the rules..HIS RULES" and be "submissive to Him"... Really, what's the point in that, and how in the hell can someone expect to that to really happen. A man that has OBVIOUSLY had her beat down emotionally, physically, ( am i the only one that saw the part where she was physically punished for even suggesting that He was screwing around on her? ), mentally and even parentally. i must ask at this point, (even as much as i love RS)... How someone who has had her will broken to the point of not making up her own mind on anything, constantly told how worthless she is, etc etc, how she can be responsible for her own feelings. At some point, abusers will "mentally condition" their victim, into believing these horrible things about themselves. It happens ALL the time. Folks are always quick to judge the abusee, not the abuser. For those of you that have never been there, and are stronger mentally than some of us, ( this sounds like a cop out... ) you have NO clue how helpless it feels. As far as her reading His emails???? WHAT THE HELL? You mean to tell me, that she has no right to figure out on her own what kind of asshole he has been, and continues to be. You mean to tell me that if she can, that she shouldn't warn the rest of the "free world" what a damn player he is... If the rest of you choose to live looking through the rose colored glasses to view the world, believing that every break up happens for the reason that is stated.. go for it. However, let me SCREAM from experience... people are spineless... and will make up a flowery reason as to why they are leaving... but eventually, everything comes out in the wash and its usually proven, there are many more reasons as to why they walked away. Ok, so, yeah, He's been an ass to her for years... she has questioned His love for her numerous times, however, somewhere in the depths of her heart, she was hoping this would work. She loved him enough to often go back and forth to, " well at least it was a good run" to, " i can make Him love me, if i do this and that." Regardless of what denial she put herself in, knowing that this will all go to shit in the end, it doesn't hurt any less in the end... Whoever, keeps saying that her unmentionable is her motivating factor, i think you missed it. This creature is NO LONGER her motivating factor... she feels worthless, she has even said that she will "fuck this up" as she has done everything else. This is the worst feeling in the world when you feel like you can't even be an effective parent anymore. It's scary to think that something could happen to the beast you have spawned from your own loins, because you can't get in the right state of mind to be able to care for it properly. I speak from experience, and i can see the same type of cycle that i went through... loving my angels and properly caring for them at some points were two different stories. There comes a time when you feel like you have been pushed into the corner so far, that you can't even lash out, fight back.. you cower and cry and rememeber what it was like when we were hiding as young ones.. hoping it would all just go away. Yes, at some point, the decision was made for me to stand up and take charge back in my own life... but it was after a LOT Of support, alot of people lending a lap for me to lay my head in and weep, and a lot of screaming at people to let it all out. It was done when i felt like i could get over the hurt... not when someone else thought i should. The same holds true for riot. This will be done in her own time... not when the CM regular posters feel like she should. At this point, i really think that we should all just be there and support her...loving her for who she is, and reminding her that she isn't what the people that have claimed to love her for most of her life, have told her she is. There comes a time, when hand holding, and coddling is appropriate.. it's what gets us "over the hump". As far as pimping her out on the internet... sometimes, sub/slaves, do REALLY stupid things for the Ones they call Master. It is done out of love and unfortunately, there are those that take that and use it until there is nothing left... Yes, there will be consequences of her actions, but at some point, she thought HE would take responsibility for said actions.. ( that is their job, right?? ) Oh well.. i am not PITYING her.. nor am i "bleeding heart" ... i have been there, i know the emotions and the pain... people suck. Period! Riot, get the help you need in whatever way you choose.. just do it safely... Rant... over Better days Beth (P.S. added by Tolerable Cruelty : riot.... rock on girly... don't let the motherfucker drag you down... you wanna bonfire, I'll bring the weenies and buns and sharp stick.. rawr)

scratchingpost -> RE: Played - to unconcievable depths (6/24/2006 9:23:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JohnWarren quote: ORIGINAL: JessieMe Anyway, So, what exactly is wrong with the advice. If someone screws you over, you screw them over. I guess, your advice would be if someone screws you over, hold your ankles. hmmm. quote: Another great Saturday morning visual.. <grin> There is an alternative. Walk away with your ethics intact. I have taught do not answer violence with violence for a LONG time. I believe pain builds character. When My former Master (the only one I ever had) hurt Me it felt like there was a papercut meeting lemon juice all over My heart. I wanted to shrivel up and die. (I gained weight instead blech) Like you I have children that MUST come first. If you had succeeded in your suicide attempt at 19 what would have become of your child? would your child even exist (I do not know their age)? To say you have failed at everything and are meaningless is inaccurate you created life. Something that bastard cannot do. Telling him off in public wont make it go away (it seems there are still days I want to rip his heart out with a dull rusty spoon) I have learned it is part of the grief cycle. you made a mistake. you put your love faith and belief in the wrong person. It doesnt make you useless nor does it make you unworthy of life it makes you human and right now in serious pain. I was told I was being emotionally abused for years with him I chose to not listen I chose to follow My love for him and god help me I will always love him despite he does not deserve it or My loyalty. I will not tell you that you are horrible for trusting someone when all the warning signs are there I will only ask that you let out your rage in a productive fasion to make your child proud of you. To make YOU proud of you again. Take pride in that you took a chance (no matter the outcome) Take pride in that you WILL learn from this Take pride in that this pain will build your strength and character Take pride in that you WILL survive this (and the part that wants revenge take solace that he lost the best thing that prolly ever happened past his sorry path)

Lashra -> RE: Played - to unconcievable depths (6/24/2006 9:28:46 AM)
Always remember NO one on this planet is more important than your child. No Master should ever come before that child. Do what you have to do, to properly care for your child and everything else comes afterwards. Even if it means saying no to what you want or some man wants, do what you have to for the good of your kid. Keep that in mind and you should do ok. She needs you and her world would collapse without you. ~Lashra

MHOO314 -> RE: Played - to unconcievable depths (6/24/2006 9:31:15 AM)
quote: As far as pimping her out on the internet... sometimes, sub/slaves, do REALLY stupid things for the Ones they call Master. It is done out of love and unfortunately, there are those that take that and use it until there is nothing left... Yes, there will be consequences of her actions, but at some point, she thought HE would take responsibility for said actions.. ( that is their job, right?? ) IMHEO, *Mother's* do not let themselves be pimped out over the internet--she has a reponsibility above all else to her child--no,matter what. As for him taking responsibility for his actions--she didn't--why should he? In My opinion the both deserve the title asshole.

JessieMe -> RE: Played - to unconcievable depths (6/24/2006 9:34:55 AM)
i must ask at this point, (even as much as i love RS)... How someone who has had her will broken to the point of not making up her own mind on anything, constantly told how worthless she is, etc etc, how she can be responsible for her own feelings. At some point, abusers will "mentally condition" their victim, into believing these horrible things about themselves. It happens ALL the time. Folks are always quick to judge the abusee, not the abuser. For those of you that have never been there, and are stronger mentally than some of us, ( this sounds like a cop out... ) you have NO clue how helpless it feels. Whoever, keeps saying that her unmentionable is her motivating factor, i think you missed it. This creature is NO LONGER her motivating factor... she feels worthless, she has even said that she will "fuck this up" as she has done everything else. This is the worst feeling in the world when you feel like you can't even be an effective parent anymore. It's scary to think that something could happen to the beast you have spawned from your own loins, because you can't get in the right state of mind to be able to care for it properly. I speak from experience, and i can see the same type of cycle that i went through... loving my angels and properly caring for them at some points were two different stories. There comes a time when you feel like you have been pushed into the corner so far, that you can't even lash out, fight back.. you cower and cry and rememeber what it was like when we were hiding as young ones.. hoping it would all just go away. This will be done in her own time... not when the CM regular posters feel like she should. At this point, i really think that we should all just be there and support her...loving her for who she is, and reminding her that she isn't what the people that have claimed to love her for most of her life, have told her she is. There comes a time, when hand holding, and coddling is appropriate.. it's what gets us "over the hump". Riot, get the help you need in whatever way you choose.. just do it safely... *********************************************************************************** Ok.. first let me address the first paragraph. What I told her.. I spoke from experience so if you think I dont understand what she is going through.. think again. I am not judging her relationship.. what I was initially commenting on was her way of "screaming it out in the post". She started out talking about being suicidal and begging for chastisement. I gave her what she said she wanted because she was in an hysterical frame of mind.. What do most people do to hysterical people? You slap them. So.. there is that. Personally, I have a problem with a child being called an unmentionable. If this is a rule of the posting board I apologize and beg ignorance. But whether or not she WANTS to think of this child.. . she needs to. I was with an abuser also.. I know the mental state when you leave.. with me.. I ran for my life... literally.. and my child was the only thing that kept me from killing myself as Riot herself stated in her initial post so dont tell me she CANNOT think about it.. she is thinking about it.. All I said was she needs to FOCUS on that. You stating that she is incapable of doing so is not productive and certainly not going to help her. I am sorry.. but it wont. She needs to be told repeatedly what her steps need to be because as you yourself state.. she is not thinking for herself. You want to hold her hand and coddle her thats fine.. I dont know her and I dont feel it would be my place. However, the discussion boards are just that.. discussion boards.. she opened a discussion with her posting and contributed to it as ongoing. So be it. As I have said in previous posts, I am not unfeeling towards her situation.. however, she is now out of it.. she needs to refocus.. if you know her real time.. get her some help.. she is going to need it and if she does it "in her own time" her little one is going to be suffering right along with her. Having been there with my own.. and having done the bitter angry parent thing.. I know exactly what happens when kids are in that situation.. and none should be if it can be avoided or helped.

TolerableCruelty -> RE: Played - to unconcievable depths (6/24/2006 9:44:04 AM)
quote: IMHEO, *Mother's* do not let themselves be pimped out over the internet--she has a reponsibility above all else to her child--no,matter what. As for him taking responsibility for his actions--she didn't--why should he? In My opinion the both deserve the title asshole. Ok, how old is the unmentionable... did this happen before it was planet bound?? i don't know.. regardless.. she has taken responsibility... EVEN HIS!!!!!! Did she know that this would be posted on the net when it was being recorded for "memory sake"... lets get started on the internet whores that have KNOWINGLY posted all their girly bits for the whole worlds viewing pleasure... and the girls in vegas... lets take a poll shall we ( Your treat, of course ) and go ask each of the "showgirls" there how many of them are mothers with even spouses at home?? Do they consider themselves "bad mothers"... No.. they do what they have to do to make ends meet. There is a reason behind what every human does.. usually boiling down to love... whether it be for the love of a child, spouse.. or even.. gasp..sit down.. for a Master... ( even if he turns out to be a slave.. heh. ) Let me break this down for you in terms you can understand... Love.. it makes us do silly things sometimes. Just because you give birth, doesn't make one immune to the influence of your significant other.. debating ones worth on the fact that they have been able to produce life, is ridiculous...it happens every minute of every day... by some of the worthless humans on the planet... We have not seen one time where her having herself posted on the net has caused this little one any harm... The judgement should be passed on him, for doing it.. not her for only doing what a slave does... pleasing her Master... ( Hell, i guess i have been wrong in my thinking this whole time, kinda thought that was what the whole D/s- M/s dynamic was about... shrugs ) *Mother's* do not let themselves be pimped out over the internet.... HA!!! Mother's don't become crackheads, either... Mother's don't become alcoholics, either.... Mother's don't do a lot of shit... well at least, a lot of shit they are "supposed to do". Mother's aren't perfect... and neither is anyone else. T.R. and beth

TNstepsout -> RE: Played - to unconcievable depths (6/24/2006 9:53:14 AM)
OK, I understand your desire to relate and show compassion, but I can understand where others are coming from as well. I did not follow Riot's story, but apparently she's been sharing it for some time now and many people advised her to get out of this situation a long time ago. They KNEW it was going to end badly, but for whatever reason all of their warnings fell on deaf ears so they just had to sit back and watch the train wreck. Now, when it's happened, Riot is screaming and yelling and telling off the whole world and threatening suicide from the wreckage. How would you feel if you saw someone careening at top speed toward a cliffs edge and told them "Watch OUT!" only to have them ignore you, and then when they'd crashed over the edge, turned to look up and shook their fist at you for letting them fall? I know she's hurting, but I'm not sure coddling is the way to help her. I think that would make it too easy for her to be a victim again, instead of finding her own wisdom and strength. You know, she can either wallow in self pity and play victim over and over an over again, blaming others for everything that happens to her, or she can rise up out of the ashes, cleansed in the fire, so to speak, and become more powerful than ever. Only when she has a sense of her own strength and worth will she find someone who values her.

BreakMeShakeMe -> RE: Played - to unconcievable depths (6/24/2006 9:58:59 AM)
My girl Riot............ seems like shit has hit the fan. Not knowing all.. not gonna comment... just simply say... Hugsssssssssssssss n Kissesssssssssssssssssssssssss Jessica Oh and I have smores if ya decide on that bonfire.... [;)]

Level -> RE: Played - to unconcievable depths (6/24/2006 9:59:06 AM)
Many here do indeed use the term "unmentionable" when discussing kids.

MHOO314 -> RE: Played - to unconcievable depths (6/24/2006 10:11:17 AM)
The difference here is this cycle has been going on in her life since 2004 (according to her posts)--a cycle of abuse, anger, denial and betrayal--there comes a time when one has to reach for human dignity--Master/slave relationship aside--and get out, against all advice given here she did not---and by the way, she came to the boards and asked about having naked pics taken etc--she was warned then that they could only get her in trouble--- and yes many Mother's become crackheads etc--it is all in the decision of that moment--and this story has been a serial of bad decisions. A parent has a responsibility well above a Master/slave relationship well above a Mistress/slave relationship---to continue to allow your life to be fucked up because of Master or Mistress be it human or addictive demon, is IMOO wrong, when one phone call can change everything. And before you preach to Me further, thinking I sit on a golden throne dispensing wisdom, I have for 17 years and still do, work on an underground network that rescues Mothers, women and submissives from situations just like this one--so don't lecture Me about decisions people make. This young lady was offered help by people all over the US and in her own area, she chose to continue making bad decisions. So the fault here is shared.

candleTC -> RE: Played - to unconcievable depths (6/24/2006 10:13:00 AM)
quote: They KNEW it was going to end badly, but for whatever reason all of their warnings fell on deaf ears so they just had to sit back and watch the train wreck. Now, when it's happened, Riot is screaming and yelling and telling off the whole world and threatening suicide from the wreckage Yes, THEY may have known.. Yes, THEY may have warned her... however, even when someone is careening at top speed the top of a cliff, you can warn until the cows come home or lil bo peep finds her sheep, or until the inevitable happens, but it is the person in question that MUST learn the lesson on their own and make their decisions. It is our jobs as " friends, peers, aquaintances,sympathisers, empathisers, whatever" to point her in the right direction and be as supportive as ourselves will allow. REGARDLESS of whether she chose the advice given to her or not, in the past.. The pain is still there and very real. Ok, i used coddling earlier... that was a bad choice of words. I don't see that, either me or Master are coddling... she has made it apparent that she knows she has messed up, however, i think, "validation" should have been a better word. Yes, i am protective of her at this point, only because i feel like the vultures have chosen her to eat for lunch. This is not fair. As far as the word "unmentionable"... i believe that the TOS states that we are not supposed to speak of "them" in any way , shape or form. " The key words that bring this sort of thing to the Mod's attn, will most undoubtedly get this thread closed... and i firmly believe it should stay open. Find another word to describe the spawns brought forth from the loins of women all over the world, and i would surely use it. :) Beth

enigmabrat -> RE: Played - to unconcievable depths (6/24/2006 10:18:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: candleTC gets all protective in roleplay mode for about three seconds as i throw on my superslave cape with the big s on my corset and swoops up riot, wraps her tight and allows her to cry, rant, scream, bite or whatever needs to be done... Then yelling to the rest of you that possibly have NO clue to BACK OFF!! Ok, roleplay over, rant begin... Something that some of you have failed to notice, she is indelibly hurt. This is not something that is going to go away in a few short posts stating that she should get over it. Some of us have been following this "process" for quite sometime and remember that He left her... packed up his belongings, moved out, but WOULD NOT release her and demanded that she still "play by the rules..HIS RULES" and be "submissive to Him"... Really, what's the point in that, and how in the hell can someone expect to that to really happen. A man that has OBVIOUSLY had her beat down emotionally, physically, ( am i the only one that saw the part where she was physically punished for even suggesting that He was screwing around on her? ), mentally and even parentally. i must ask at this point, (even as much as i love RS)... How someone who has had her will broken to the point of not making up her own mind on anything, constantly told how worthless she is, etc etc, how she can be responsible for her own feelings. At some point, abusers will "mentally condition" their victim, into believing these horrible things about themselves. It happens ALL the time. Folks are always quick to judge the abusee, not the abuser. For those of you that have never been there, and are stronger mentally than some of us, ( this sounds like a cop out... ) you have NO clue how helpless it feels. As far as her reading His emails???? WHAT THE HELL? You mean to tell me, that she has no right to figure out on her own what kind of asshole he has been, and continues to be. You mean to tell me that if she can, that she shouldn't warn the rest of the "free world" what a damn player he is... If the rest of you choose to live looking through the rose colored glasses to view the world, believing that every break up happens for the reason that is stated.. go for it. However, let me SCREAM from experience... people are spineless... and will make up a flowery reason as to why they are leaving... but eventually, everything comes out in the wash and its usually proven, there are many more reasons as to why they walked away. Ok, so, yeah, He's been an ass to her for years... she has questioned His love for her numerous times, however, somewhere in the depths of her heart, she was hoping this would work. She loved him enough to often go back and forth to, " well at least it was a good run" to, " i can make Him love me, if i do this and that." Regardless of what denial she put herself in, knowing that this will all go to shit in the end, it doesn't hurt any less in the end... Whoever, keeps saying that her unmentionable is her motivating factor, i think you missed it. This creature is NO LONGER her motivating factor... she feels worthless, she has even said that she will "fuck this up" as she has done everything else. This is the worst feeling in the world when you feel like you can't even be an effective parent anymore. It's scary to think that something could happen to the beast you have spawned from your own loins, because you can't get in the right state of mind to be able to care for it properly. I speak from experience, and i can see the same type of cycle that i went through... loving my angels and properly caring for them at some points were two different stories. There comes a time when you feel like you have been pushed into the corner so far, that you can't even lash out, fight back.. you cower and cry and rememeber what it was like when we were hiding as young ones.. hoping it would all just go away. Yes, at some point, the decision was made for me to stand up and take charge back in my own life... but it was after a LOT Of support, alot of people lending a lap for me to lay my head in and weep, and a lot of screaming at people to let it all out. It was done when i felt like i could get over the hurt... not when someone else thought i should. The same holds true for riot. This will be done in her own time... not when the CM regular posters feel like she should. At this point, i really think that we should all just be there and support her...loving her for who she is, and reminding her that she isn't what the people that have claimed to love her for most of her life, have told her she is. There comes a time, when hand holding, and coddling is appropriate.. it's what gets us "over the hump". As far as pimping her out on the internet... sometimes, sub/slaves, do REALLY stupid things for the Ones they call Master. It is done out of love and unfortunately, there are those that take that and use it until there is nothing left... Yes, there will be consequences of her actions, but at some point, she thought HE would take responsibility for said actions.. ( that is their job, right?? ) Oh well.. i am not PITYING her.. nor am i "bleeding heart" ... i have been there, i know the emotions and the pain... people suck. Period! Riot, get the help you need in whatever way you choose.. just do it safely... Rant... over Better days Beth (P.S. added by Tolerable Cruelty : riot.... rock on girly... don't let the motherfucker drag you down... you wanna bonfire, I'll bring the weenies and buns and sharp stick.. rawr) thank you Iv been watching this post from the begining and wanting to help so bad but i was at a total loss for words no idea what to say knowing nothing said could take away the pain she is feeluing... you summed it up perfectly!!!!

candleTC -> RE: Played - to unconcievable depths (6/24/2006 10:25:24 AM)
well, as you continue to sit on your golden throne and dispense even more "wisdom" ( as You put it... ) allow Us one more voice of "reason" ( i think ) quote: The difference here is this cycle has been going on in her life since 2004 (according to her posts)--a cycle of abuse, anger, denial and betrayal--there comes a time when one has to reach for human dignity-- You can hardly call this a "cycle" if this has only been going on for almost two years with only one person. A cycle would mean that she has chosen this type of abusive behavior for years and with many partners. A cycle lasts for years and years ( which i actually suspect is the case, her cycle starting early in life... ) There does come a time, when an abusee finally has her fill... bad things happen sometimes, and they resort to killing their abusers, or themselves.. or they pull themselves up by the bootstraps, dust off their boots, and start over... hopefully finding something that makes them whole, for the first time in their life... she is at a crossroads, at this point. I, for one, am thrilled she is angry.. that does show growth. We have the faith in her, that with a little nudging and a little support, that she will finally find out what it's like to stand on her own two feet, and be more cautious in choosing her partners, hopefully eventually erasing all the negative and horrible things that have happened to her ... but only time will tell with that. It's not helping adding to her feelings of being a horrible person, because of some of the choices she has made. That is all in the past, and can't be changed or done over. It is now that she must fix herself.. period. As far as the "blame being shared" .. We only see you, pointing the finger at riot.. ( "Mother's don't do.......... ) Let me ask you all mighty Goddess' ... when a decision is made in your home, regarding your submissive(s), who takes the blame when it all goes to hell?? ( is almost afraid of this answer ) T.R. and beth

ArdentOne -> RE: Played - to unconcievable depths (6/24/2006 10:26:56 AM)
I feel obligated to point a few things out. Like JessieMe, I have no idea what is unmentionable about a child. But, I too, may be unaware of some rule or standard. Also, does it make any sense at all to advise Riot to get over it? This thread was started today... 24 Jun 0-bloody-6. Are you kidding me? I've read through this entire post and people are suggesting that she be strong and ignore what she's feeling. I think thats patent bullshit. Riot, I say honor your rage, honor your pain and angst, honor the bitter, desparate desolation that you feel. FEEL it. If you don't, it'll come back and get you later on. Pretending it's not there won't alter the fact that it is. Hopefully you will know when you've spent enough energy on it and can let it go. But letting it go comes later, not sooner. Lastly, whether or not its palatable to others, I think boards like these are perfectly acceptable places to purge and rant about something like this. In fact, I'd recommend finding other similarly themed boards to rail against the heavens and earth on. Get that catharsis while its hot, baby. Purge it, let it flow. What it seems to me though is you'll have to accept the fact that some people don't like being exposed to, "icky" feelings, as evidenced by some of the posts on this thread. There is such a thing as expressing negative feelings in a healthy way and naming them "negative" feelings doesn't condemn them in anyway. I'm not going to address your talk of suicide at all. The previous posters have covered all the bases there. And I'm not going to criticize you for the explosive nature of your first post. I noticed that with each post there after, they were less volatile. Mission accomplished. You got it out, even if at times you were chaotic and self contradictory, it wasn't a friggin term paper and I'm not here to grade it. You got it out. I have a best friend that you remind me of, and when she gets in a state like the one you started out in, I've discovered that it's just best to let her rant, rave, vent, hate, cry and wail in misery. I just sit there an listen and watch. I don't hug her, tell her everything will be ok or do much more than make sure the kleenex is in reach. She sees through that trite BS and is far too smart to find any solace in it. Like you she made a suicide attempt in her late teens and even though she's fought hard to reclaim her life, it's not like she's ever going to forget that option is there. I guess I will comment on your suicidal feelings after all. No matter how much ideation you may flirt with, if you get frightened by it, or even worse, take comfort in the idea... then get help. One last bit on karma. I believe in it completely. I've been blessed by the universe repaying my good karma and I've been the recipient of a good sucker punch or two when my bad karma came back around. But in regards to taking the higher ground, well... some times karma grants you the priviledge of being it's method of manifestation. Personally, I don't go out of my way to be such. But, if I am put in the position to right a wrong, without incurring further karmic... "debt" as it were, I feel no qualms whatsoever. Finally, I've read the way you write and communicate and "stupid" is not something I would call you, Riot. Perhaps you have been blind, blinded or even willfully blind. Thats what's left for you to figure out once you process, wallow and work through all of this. Don't take to heart any of the posts that bade you to get over it or suck it up. Don't stuff any of it down. Time does heal all wounds but people, try as they might, have never been able to rush time.

candleTC -> RE: Played - to unconcievable depths (6/24/2006 10:27:06 AM)
Thanks enigmabrat... It's only because i have been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and a lifetime of experience and consequences that i pay for to this day, from it... Smiles.. beth

candleTC -> RE: Played - to unconcievable depths (6/24/2006 10:30:56 AM)
HERE HERE Ardent ( insert Standing "O" here ) T.R. and beth

RiotGirl -> RE: Played - to unconcievable depths (6/24/2006 11:01:19 AM)
Hi i'm awake. i have taken responsibility for my actions, you know. It takes two to tango. Oh you know i dont blame him, i do blame me. i do sort of blame him for looking in my eyes and telling me how much he loves me and showing me that love - no matter how temporarily it was. No matter if it was just for those 30 minutes or even a day. You know i blame him for every time that i was upset, that he would hug me, love me, and make my world right again. i blame him for showing me that things really were okay. Even when they werent. But i dont blame him for my actions. How could i? Thats not fair or right really. i stayed didnt i? You know a few of you hit the nail on the head and a few of you didnt. Some of you seem to know just excatly how i feel and i dont know how thats possible. i do appreciate all that have yelled at me, given me your reality, and so forth. i think it was excatly what i was looking for. See i deserve to be beaten down for this. i allowed this to happen to me. i allowed all of it - i really did. Should i just be let off the hook? No, i never let myself off the hook and neither should anyone else. Its just not right. God - i could contemplate any number of things to do to myself to pay for this stupidity. But nothing i can think of at this point seems that it could any where near make up for all of this. To clear a few things up. Its not abuse. He didnt pimp me out. That was my "own" decision that i told him i was going to do. i had my reasons and there is no excuse. Another thing to add to the long list to why i am a stupid ass bitch. As for being vindictive. i usually am. i'm very vindictive. Usually i find some way to take it out on myself as i dont really like hurting others. There have been those times where i didnt and lashed out. Yet i can not summon the "want" to do it to him. It just seems wrong i still have a situation to contemplate. i have to break it off with him and i am unsure how best to do that. i am going to have to explain "why" to him and that is going to be the hardest thing ever. Because when i see him, he is going to have love in his eyes and concern and all that jazz and i am going to have to remind myself that its not true. i am going to have to find some way to keep standing when my legs just want to buckle on me. See i dont believe in letting those that hurt you see your pain. They dont deserve it. Atleast there is no way to excuse it. No way for him to explain it away or make me think i am wrong. Yes, i've looked for a long time for proof. Proof of what i've always thought. Something, something that he can not deny - that he can not explain away. Yes - i screwed up. i take the responsibility as i did believe. Against all odds i did believe in him. i should of known better. Believing in ppl just ends you up like this. i've been taught this lesson ever since i was a kid and yet i - still ignore it - How stupid can i get? You know i was once told that one of the reasons i keep ending up in this situations is because of what happened to me as a child. My father playing naughty with me when i was a baby and almost losing my virginity to rape to my brother at 11 and the other things that transpired when i was younger. i cant believe i am letting those things to go down in history - things to find out later. Lets add this - since its another truth. My mother knew my father was and allowed it. i only know of the thing with my father because she told me - telling me - he only did it cos it made me giggle. At 5 years old i found out she betrayed me. Guess what i did. i ran to her boyfriend at the time (parents divorced at 4) and asked him to do it, some how i just knew it was wrong and went to find out. But that doesnt excuse my allowing it to continue. i refuse to be a victem any longer - but i just seem to keep ending up here. i dont know what to do. i'm so at a loss. ** i dont know what i've said earlier nor of any constinincies - only because i didnt go through with a fine tooth comb to make sure things were said as they are. i just wrote from my heart count this as another "kelly's a fuck up" i suppose and learn what i never seem to want to learn.

RiotGirl -> RE: Played - to unconcievable depths (6/24/2006 11:20:51 AM)
i'm still here and i dont know what to do. What should i do now? Go watch TV? Go walk around when its possible my legs my just buckle some where on the street? i did something bad. something really really bad. i allowed my daughter to believe. Hate for myself seems to only be the feeling i can only muster. i'm going to have to tell her that "daddy and i are breaking up" and then deal with her pain knowing i caused it. She will lose the onlly father she had. And i know why i did it. i was trying so hard to fix my other screw up. Of not providing a father for her. i've always known i was a terrible person. Yet i kept so hard trying to wing it. Trying to be good, and failing at that too. You know, i really fail at everything - no matter how hard i try and make it work. Its the reason i refuse to quit at anything cos maybe one of these days i'll get it. Doubtful eh? 26 years and still counting my failures. i dont know what to do. This has been the biggest blow i've ever dealt with. i always knew it would happen and i tried to protect myself so hard, just because i knew one day it'd happen. Why would it happen? Because fate has it in the cards, because i allow crap like this, because i'm stupid, because maybe i just believe that i deserve everything i get. Maybe i just have this need to seek out ppl to hurt me. Maybe i just want to punish myself because i keep allowing all this to happen. My stupidty. i really am stupid. look where i am again! Oh so bright intelligent me. God i was stupid as a kid and allowed myself to believe in my mother putting up with all in that house, when escape was possible. i dont know what to do now. The future? Plan for the future? Why?? So i can just set myself up to lose more the next time i allow myself to be beaten down? Gee, i'm not that stupid. Why should i care? i will only ever end up back here. No matter how i struggle not too.

IrishMist -> RE: Played - to unconcievable depths (6/24/2006 11:25:39 AM)
RIOT...my girl You know where I am if you want to talk ((((HUGS))) for you hun

KennelDeSade2 -> RE: Played - to unconcievable depths (6/24/2006 11:30:25 AM)
Remember; "That which does not. . . " What the fuck am I saying? The last guy who gave a slave that advice paid over a million bucks.to settle. I once spent six months sitting in the dark from the time I got home, until I went back to work in the morning after a bad breakup. Another three years, and I was right as rain. lol But? I've got a neighbor with a "get out you bum, come back I love you" relationship that has been going like that for two years.. Nine months ago, I showed her a series of emails between a friend with a Domme profile on ALT and this guy named Mark. Him talking about sucking cock in rest stops, etc etc etc. And a couple blurry badly photoshopped pictures, a couple with cock in mouth. Now, everybody who saw the compiled website on a CD slide show I made of the full exchange. Everybody who looks at it goes "Jesus is that Mark?" Everybody, except her. One day, her vision will clear. It could always be worse.

Page: << < prev 2 3 [4] 5 6 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875