How to talk to Doms that aren't yet 'my' Dom. (Full Version)

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Determinist -> How to talk to Doms that aren't yet 'my' Dom. (4/23/2013 5:36:53 PM)

I need to know if I'm off base here. When doms message me, I don't respond well to the ones who act as though I'm already their sub. I'm never rude, of course, but there are ones who call me "pet" or "slut" or just start generally trying to dominate me right from the start ("You don't get to ask that, you're not in control here"). The way I see it, that person is not my dom . . . not yet anyways. It seems to me that a position of deference and respect needs to be earned through trust. So . . . until we really hit it off, there's going to be no kowtowing, just politeness (as I would give anyone). Or is the etiquette here a bit different? How do you talk (i.e. in what manner) to doms you're just getting to know? Advice very much welcome, thank you.



kiwisub12 -> RE: How to talk to Doms that aren't yet 'my' Dom. (4/23/2013 6:00:15 PM)

I speak to them as if they are strangers that i'm interested in learning more about. Instant domination? - not so much.
For me, the D/s is a relationship first and foremost, and as such, i'm more interested in the individual and how they relate to me, not "kneel bitch". Enough time for that later.

............ and i expect to meet the individual sooner than later, as in weeks rather than months. That way, if we aren't compatible in person, we can move on.



Focus50 -> RE: How to talk to Doms that aren't yet 'my' Dom. (4/23/2013 6:40:03 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Determinist

I need to know if I'm off base here. When doms message me, I don't respond well to the ones who act as though I'm already their sub. I'm never rude, of course, but there are ones who call me "pet" or "slut" or just start generally trying to dominate me right from the start ("You don't get to ask that, you're not in control here"). The way I see it, that person is not my dom . . . not yet anyways. It seems to me that a position of deference and respect needs to be earned through trust. So . . . until we really hit it off, there's going to be no kowtowing, just politeness (as I would give anyone). Or is the etiquette here a bit different? How do you talk (i.e. in what manner) to doms you're just getting to know? Advice very much welcome, thank you.


You seem to have a good, general principle in mind - so follow through with what your instincts are telling you.

In simple terms, forget the D or s and simply treat others as they treat you. If they're polite and sincere by your standards, then respond in kind.

Conversely, if they're rude, obnoxious and presumptuous etc, you don't owe them a thing so either ignore and delete their msg or, if you're of the mind, give 'em a spray back. The more assertive type of sub that I'm generally attracted to; most would give 'em a gob full and block them.

Focus.



Determinist -> RE: How to talk to Doms that aren't yet 'my' Dom. (4/23/2013 7:25:26 PM)

Ok, the above was just what I thought. In my profile I specifically talked about getting to know the person first and the kink second, but just a tiny fraction seem to understand that. However I'm still learning about the culture so wanted to double check. When all the other fish seem to be swimming the other way, you start to question the direction you're going, capiche?[;)]



kalikshama -> RE: How to talk to Doms that aren't yet 'my' Dom. (4/23/2013 7:30:05 PM)

I just thought of it as lots and lots of junk mail with a few gems from time to time.



littlewonder -> RE: How to talk to Doms that aren't yet 'my' Dom. (4/23/2013 7:36:05 PM)

You talk to someone here the same way you would talk to anyone else in the entire world. If some guy tried that on you at a bar, would you think it was ok??

There is nothing special about bdsm or collarme. Doms are still just human men. Treat the morons the same way you would treat any moron.

Here's the thing. A lot of men (and women) come to sites like this thinking they will find someone for an easy fuck, one night stand, that women who come to such sites must be easy and will sleep with anyone. That's why you find a preponderance of what you have experienced.



DarkSteven -> RE: How to talk to Doms that aren't yet 'my' Dom. (4/23/2013 7:59:22 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Determinist

In my profile I specifically talked about getting to know the person first and the kink second, but just a tiny fraction seem to understand that.


So you've got an effective filter that screens out idiots. Shame there are so many.



DomMeinCT -> RE: How to talk to Doms that aren't yet 'my' Dom. (4/23/2013 8:06:06 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Determinist

but just a tiny fraction seem to understand that.



It's self-selection that saves you time, so you don't waste a moment with the dumb ones. [;)]



Determinist -> RE: How to talk to Doms that aren't yet 'my' Dom. (4/23/2013 8:45:07 PM)

Feeling so much better now. Effective filter indeed! [:D] It's like panning for gold, lots of muck and only a flake or two requiring a second look. On the other hand, it makes me appreciate the sincere ones so much more.



Rasciallymisty -> RE: How to talk to Doms that aren't yet 'my' Dom. (4/24/2013 6:12:43 AM)

You seem to have a good head on your shoulder....you will do well. [:D]



DesFIP -> RE: How to talk to Doms that aren't yet 'my' Dom. (4/24/2013 8:54:53 AM)

Even if we said yes, we all defer to rude assholes just because they put a capital letter on their screen name, so what? It still wouldn't make these guys attractive to you.

Just keep in mind that most guys don't read profiles and/or they self delude into thinking that it doesn't apply to them. So if you say no guys over 30, you'll still get 50 and 60 year olds messaging you because they're special snowflakes in their own view.

Don't respond to people who don't interest you because they'll likely take rejection badly sending you offensive responses.



littlewonder -> RE: How to talk to Doms that aren't yet 'my' Dom. (4/24/2013 5:28:09 PM)

You seem to be reasonable and level headed so I think you'll work out fine here. Just don't go all "newbie" on us. [:D]



RedMagic1 -> RE: How to talk to Doms that aren't yet 'my' Dom. (4/24/2013 6:07:21 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Determinist
How do you talk (i.e. in what manner) to doms you're just getting to know? Advice very much welcome, thank you.

Why are you talking to such men at all? Are you getting some benefit from it? If not, why perform an action that is a net negative for you?

My advice is for you to talk to everyone, at all times, in the way that will make you happiest and most fulfilled. This almost always means: be honest about what you really feel.

This doesn't mean you should always say exactly what you'd really like to say. You might not be able to call your grandmother a bitch even if she really is one. But except for special situations like that, say what you mean and mean what you say. It makes life much more rewarding.



Thaz -> RE: How to talk to Doms that aren't yet 'my' Dom. (4/25/2013 12:19:33 AM)

I would expect a Dom to aproach you as though you were a human being he or she wanted to get to know not a peice of meat. That comes later if at all.



SpanishMatMaster -> RE: How to talk to Doms that aren't yet 'my' Dom. (4/25/2013 1:06:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Determinist
How do you talk (i.e. in what manner) to doms you're just getting to know? Advice very much welcome, thank you.
Here a Dom. Therefore, I do not talk much to doms.

Different subs expect different things. Some subs do want to be treated like s**t by any potential Master, many at a time and the more Masters the better. For example. Try to understand this when you react.

By the other side, if you explained already in your profile how would you like to be contacted (and this is the most important etiquette aspect to learn about this) then... a Dom who does not read your profile, well, goodbye and good luck.

PS: "I love discussing philosophy (from an atheistic/skeptic POV), psychology, history (especially ancient history and pre-history), and what's new in the world of science." [sm=yourock.gif] I mean, I could have written the same word by word, except that I also enjoy other parts of history. If you do not know it, I recommend you "Mesopotamia: The Invention of the City" of Gwendolyn Leick.



Dreamless -> RE: How to talk to Doms that aren't yet 'my' Dom. (4/25/2013 2:31:17 AM)

I talk to people on here, dom or sub alike, like any other person I've just met for the first time in say, the grocery store or on a bus.

If someone told me "you don't get to ask that, you're not in control" I'd throw the red flag at their face and while they're distracted, jump out of the window.

Basically, if someone messages me something that would, if they were someone I'd just met on a bus, make me pull the call button and hide in the nearest retail store and call the police if they follow, I ignore them. If they obviously didn't read my profile (I specifically mention about halfway down what my pet peeves are) I generally point out politely that we probably aren't a good match and move on.

Aaand that's how you talk to people who you don't have any relationship dynamic with yet. Like any other person. Done.



peope -> RE: How to talk to Doms that aren't yet 'my' Dom. (4/25/2013 8:57:17 AM)

It is just rudeness talking down to someone who has not asked for it.

If you are in a social setting where that kind of behaviour is accepted that is one thing.
There are some people who enjoy being talked to rudely by people they have not met.
And potential dominants.
Their kink is their kink.

But it is not ok to take that kink and engage in it with people who have not asked for it implied or otherwise.
That is just bad manners.

Thing is. With bad manners.
The people who listen are not those with bad manners who needs to hear it.

For me, good manners is a virtue, and something I would instill in my girl too.

You got good advice.
And you also found your own way to deal with it.
That is excellent. :)

Sincerely
// Peo




MrRemy -> RE: How to talk to Doms that aren't yet 'my' Dom. (4/27/2013 3:54:05 AM)

If I read correctly from the above statements and answers, I would have to agree with most if not all words written. It's unfortunate that anyone would be rude period but it is also unfortunate when one person can not tell the difference between manners and domination. Without speaking beforehand as a human being and a person, one is simply being a complete asshole. You deserve the respect as any human being does first and foremost. Anyone engaging with you without that respect doesn't even deserve a response. Once two people establish a relationship of any kind than yes, ground rules and certain kinks are open. I hope you do not receive anymore messages of that kind. Good luck darlin'.



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: How to talk to Doms that aren't yet 'my' Dom. (4/28/2013 12:51:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Determinist
I need to know if I'm off base here
Nah, you're right on the money with your instinct.
quote:

When doms message me, I don't respond well to the ones who act as though I'm already their sub. I'm never rude, of course, but there are ones who call me "pet" or "slut" or just start generally trying to dominate me right from the start ("You don't get to ask that, you're not in control here"). The way I see it, that person is not my dom . . . not yet anyways. It seems to me that a position of deference and respect needs to be earned through trust.
So . . . until we really hit it off, there's going to be no kowtowing, just politeness. Or is the etiquette here a bit different? How do you talk (i.e. in what manner) to doms you're just getting to know? Advice very much welcome, thank you.
You are right to have a at least a minimum of standards, and expect normal adults to approach you with some decorum. Those you find worthwhile will be the ones able to communicate without questioning your integrity as a submissive, until you are in a relationship with him in particular. You definitely do not owe deference to random doms on the net. Treat everyone in a civil manner, and if someone wants to pursue you, than you can take it from there.
Good luck, and welcome to the boards. M



Determinist -> RE: How to talk to Doms that aren't yet 'my' Dom. (4/28/2013 2:53:42 AM)

I've learned a *lot* in the last week, this seems like such a silly question now - LOL. I think after I asked this question I put a note in my profile asking for a certain comment that would show they read the whole thing. Such a simple, yet useful little thing and saved me reading through a lot of crap. Anyhow, I have hidden my profile now (in case anyone was wondering) as I'm talking solely to one lovely gentleman from CM.

" I could have written the same word by word, except that I also enjoy other parts of history. If you do not know it, I recommend you "Mesopotamia: The Invention of the City" of Gwendolyn Leick. "

Ooh, that sounds fantastically interesting - thanks for the recommendation SMM!



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