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Coping with someone else's insecurity - 4/24/2013 6:32:35 AM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
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This is a little bit of a different take on insecurity from what I can see (not saying it hasn't been asked, I'm sure it has, I just really can't see it).

I'm not asking for suggestions on coping with my own personal insecurities, instead coping with another's. More specifically, the type of insecurity when you're in a relationship and the other person devalues their own worth (you're too good for them, worried you'll leave them, etc...)
Is it possible to help that person cope with it?
Reassurance, compliments, and extra-special attention seem to make it worse.
I know this is really an issue that person needs to work out on their own, but the insecurity really does affect both parties and if there is just a modicum of help I can provide then I'd really love suggestions. Other than patience, I'm out of ideas. And typically, patient I am not.
So, if you've dealt with it (regardless of your position in the relationship) and have any tips, I'd really appreciate it!

Post #: 1

RE: Coping with someone else's insecurity - 4/24/2013 7:04:26 AM

Rasciallymisty

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I do not think you can do anymore than you already have. Like you said they need to work through this all by themselves. Best of luck to you and them I hope it all works out well.

(in reply to theshytype)

Post #: 2

RE: Coping with someone else's insecurity - 4/24/2013 7:09:07 AM

lovethyself

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The first thing that needs to be determined is if this person genuinely WANTS to gain more confidence. There are almost always underlying causes for insecurities, some of which are painful to look at too closely. If they aren't willing to look at and face the underlying causes, then nothing you can do will help them. You can't solve their problem for them, no matter how much you may want to.

Personally, I'm insecure about a number of things about myself. It's only been recently that I've been able to look at why I've felt that way. It has hurt sometimes to dredge up old feelings and issues, but sharing them with someone that I know cares about me has helped somewhat. He's given me a safe place to look at things, and has given me a different perspective on it. I'm starting to feel like maybe what I've been holding onto, and holding myself back because of it, wasn't totally my fault.

Most of the work for me has been me though. I'm the one thinking back, tracing my feelings, looking at past events, trying to understand the why. This started because I wanted it, not because someone else wanted it for me.

As for suggestions as to how to help, if you are in a position to offer small tasks, that might help. Things that this person can do and succeed at. It helps if they are tasks that are geared towards the insecurities that they feel. For me, I'm insecure about my body, so I've started working out to improve it. Every little milestone that I achieve (tightening my belt one hole more, or seeing definition in my arms) makes me feel a little better about my body.

As for feeling worth something to my partner, He gives me tasks to do that I can accomplish and be praised for. They can be little things, but it's something to succeed at, and have reinforcing praise works wonders for me. But that's alongside taking a hard look at myself and understanding to the best of my ability, ME.

Just be aware that if they aren't willing to do the work needed, there is nothing that you, by yourself, can do to help them. They have to work for it too.

Good luck, and best wishes.

(in reply to theshytype)

Post #: 3

RE: Coping with someone else's insecurity - 4/24/2013 8:13:15 AM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
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Thank you, Rasciallymisty! I really hope it works out, too.

Lovethyself, thank you for that! We know the underlying causes. We've dealt with this before, several years back, but was a much easier issue to rectify. I truly believe he wants to gain confidence.
I really like the small task assignments idea - that may very well do some good! I'll just have to step out of my comfort zone there.

< Message edited by theshytype -- 4/24/2013 8:15:39 AM >

(in reply to lovethyself)

Post #: 4

RE: Coping with someone else's insecurity - 4/24/2013 8:53:38 AM

lovethyself

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Joined: 11/4/2012
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Okay, so I've thought some more on your post. Here's another way of thinking about it. I'm working in the shop today, so it's going to be a tool analogy. Sorry.

Think of confidence as a skill. I have confidence in my ability to use a table saw because I have honed my skill with it over a number of years, using it time and again. I didn't start out with that confidence, it was earned. If I had had a bad experience in the beginning (like an accident), it would take more to get over my fears before I could work on my skill.

Going back to your OP, have you talked to him about why he doesn't react well to reassurance, compliments, or extra attention? For me, getting praise or compliments that I feel I haven't earned ring as false, even when I know the person only has the best intentions. I find it harder to take to heart, since they're only saying that to make me feel better/because they love me/etc. Rationally I know it's not true, but emotionally, it's still what runs through the back of my mind.

Just some more food for thought.

(in reply to theshytype)

Post #: 5

RE: Coping with someone else's insecurity - 4/24/2013 9:29:08 AM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
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I work well with analogies!
Yes, that makes sense as to why compliments and reassurance do not work. We've never determined why they didn't work before, was more of an observation made by both.
A part of me wants to instill a bit of tough love and just ignore it all, but that'll help neither of us in this case.
You have given me things to think about.

(in reply to lovethyself)

Post #: 6

RE: Coping with someone else's insecurity - 4/24/2013 9:35:43 AM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
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I used to be awkward at taking compliments for
some reason... To the point where I would almost
be belittling the persons opinion giving me the
compliment... it wasn't being unconfident, more like
dismissive of praise and their opinion, I've always
been hard on myself which I see as a strength of
sorts, but I had gone beyond that and was no
longer objective. Having standards for yourself is
great, but mine had become a bar that was always
out of reach, anyway...
I saw there was something poor about how I
handled those situations which made me open to
some good advice when I stumbled by it, it was
something along these lines:

"everytime you tell yourself something or react a
certain way, positive or negative, you are
reinforcing that perception or behaviour, you are
basically creating a thought habbit and
reinforcing it, and to break it you basicly need to
reprogram your habitual response, which requires
a conscious effort every time until it's fixed."

For me it was as simple as stopping myself short
from saying anything when I got a compliment,
and just saying "thank you". It was actually hard
at first...

But I got more comfortable with
the idea after awhile.

A similar form of that method may help in your
situation, but it would require the person to,
identify the sources of their insecurity and
reinforce a positive thought process in it's place
by continually making a conscious effort every
time the insecurity situations came up.

I'm no psychologist, so I may be way off, all I
can say is I've effected results in myself by
doing that. Maybe they could too.

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 4/24/2013 9:54:51 AM >

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Post #: 7

RE: Coping with someone else's insecurity - 4/24/2013 11:34:55 AM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
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Aries, I may have to print that and tape it to the mirror. It didn't even occur to me that there may be two separate issues involved and helping him to accept compliments may be beneficial if we ever run into this again in the future.
And, much like yourself, I have a difficulty in accepting compliments at times due to a bar I've placed too high to ever realistically reach. This may actually do some good for me also.

(in reply to ARIES83)

Post #: 8

RE: Coping with someone else's insecurity - 4/24/2013 3:47:12 PM

LizDeluxe

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Joined: 10/2/2011
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I've been through that before on two occasions. In both cases it stemmed from them having been mistreated by someone else in an prior relationship - specifically having been cheated on. I tried dutifully in both cases to bolster their confidence and repair that damage to no avail. The first relationship ended because of their issues. The second ran its natural course but the problem remained when we parted amicably. The lesson I learned was to carefully voir dire prospective partners in this regard and try to avoid relationships with folks carrying that sort of baggage. Good luck in your relationship. I know how frustrating it can be.

(in reply to theshytype)

Post #: 9

RE: Coping with someone else's insecurity - 4/24/2013 4:39:55 PM

needlesandpins

Posts: 3901
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most people have some sort of insecurity about themselves. i don't take compliments well as i've always thought them undeserved. it does make a big difference on the person giving the compliment, and how the compliment is delivered as to whether it feels genuine or not.

my ex would compliment me in a way that felt that it was said as an obligation, and not because it was genuinely given. my playmate has always complimented me in such a way that comes over as genuine so that he makes me feel good about myself. i don't have to see in myself what he sees. if he likes it then that does for me and i don't feel self concious in any way with him.

outside of that; relationship insecurities are generally caused either by the dynamic, or the other person's behaviour. if there is a lack of attachment in the relationship then there is nothing to keep the other person with you. they are free to go off with whomever and not come back, or that other oerson is getting what you actually want while you're left hanging around waiting. if in a solid relationship then it's probably the way the other person acts with people outside of the relationship that causes the insecurity. that's not to say that the initial insecurity hasn't been created by happenings in a previous relationship. however, in all instances talking it all through is the best way to go. both parties should be able to put their points over and come to some sort of agreement.

needles

_____________________________

I deserved better. Not than you, but from you.

(in reply to LizDeluxe)

Post #: 10

RE: Coping with someone else's insecurity - 4/24/2013 4:42:26 PM

DarkSteven

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It sounds to me like a game - he tells you he's worthless so you tell him he isn't.

If you were a Domme, I'd suggest two days of no communication every time he pulled that.

You're a sub - why would you be with someone like that?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to needlesandpins)

Post #: 11

RE: Coping with someone else's insecurity - 4/24/2013 5:40:25 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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Time

Is this a newish relationship? I always found that when I was in a relationship and it was rather new, I was always a bit insecure. What worked for me was the person reassuring me and his actions matching his words.

When I first met Master I had all sorts of insecurities. I probably did for the first few years but over time he has never given me any reason to believe he is going to leave me or hurt me in any way. I know he's not going anywhere and neither am I.

So yeah...your integrity and time is what is needed.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to theshytype)

Post #: 12

RE: Coping with someone else's insecurity - 4/24/2013 5:59:58 PM

Duskypearls

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Joined: 8/21/2011
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I'm with Aries. Help supply the person (they also have to participate) in new patterns of thoughts and verbal responses to whatever situations are troublesome (regardless of whether or not the person "feels it" to be true or right), then insist they be implemented. It's repatterning or downloading new software. Allow for a reasonable adjustment period in the beginning, perhaps help remind the person a few times and advise them their new task is to pick this up and run with it on their own. A reward system of some kind, that has meaning/value to the person might be helpful until they've fully integrated the practice/work.

Sometimes it's also helpful to let the person know how negative and draining it is to be in the presence of one who demeans/diminishes themself. Maybe a gift of one or two books that speak to this is appropriate.

It can be very helpful to advise the person you prefer/choose relationships w/those who have healthy internal/external mental/emotional/verbal habits, as the other kind are exhausting. Advise you will only tolerate so much of the negative, before you'll want to end the relationship. If the person's relationship with you is that important, this might encourage them to make some changes. In a way, it's an ultimatum, which anyone has the right to make.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 13

RE: Coping with someone else's insecurity - 4/24/2013 6:01:22 PM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
Status: offline

Everyone has listed good points so far, thank you!

We both know where the feelings stem from and they are very much on him. Still, I have to live with it so I try to make the best out of the situation. Is it ideal to struggle through? No. Do I find it attractive? God no, not at all. But, I understand that many people suffer from some form of insecurity at some point in their life, whatever the cause may be, and don't believe in throwing something out the window when they hit a rough patch.
If it had been this way from the beginning, and I put up with it, I'd call myself an idiot. However, it has not always been this way, it's not who he is, and I fully believe this will pass eventually. It's not going to change overnight, but hopefully with my help will bypass quicker. I'm just trying to do my best in supporting him.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 14

RE: Coping with someone else's insecurity - 4/24/2013 6:14:37 PM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
Status: offline

LW, we've been together for a long time. But, he's had some new changes in his life so I believe your words still are true. I agree, time is needed.

Dusky, that's my fear if things don't heal - a complete shutdown in the relationship. I think some positive reading may be a brilliant idea. I have talked to him about my feelings and that was my exact description - exhausting. I'm not an ultimatum-type person (I've seen the term 'doormat' thrown out a bit and may very well apply to me) but will keep it buried in the back of my mind. I'm hoping it will never come to that.

(in reply to Duskypearls)

Post #: 15

RE: Coping with someone else's insecurity - 4/24/2013 6:51:08 PM

Duskypearls

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Joined: 8/21/2011
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Maybe some therapy, i.e., EMDR, etc.?

Maybe letting the person know the ability of both of you to be authentic and get close is greatly limited by this.

Maybe look into the "Tapping" books, therapies.

Maybe look into NET, Neuro-emotional Technique.

Maybe acupuncture to tonify or sedate certain points. Those limiting mental/emotional blocks will affect organs and meridian systems. A good acupuncturist might be able to help release some of them.

(in reply to theshytype)

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RE: Coping with someone else's insecurity - 4/24/2013 7:11:50 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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I think he first needs to come to terms with whatever caused this problem to begin with. Until he solves that, neither of you will be able to heal or go further in your relationship.

It could be literally fixing whatever happened or it could mean he should talk to a therapist or a counselor or someone who can help him through this other than you. He needs someone who is objective and can see things for what they really are.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 4/24/2013 7:13:06 PM >

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Post #: 17

RE: Coping with someone else's insecurity - 4/25/2013 12:14:21 AM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
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I see breaking a habit as an actual concrete step,
which sort of effects changes in you over time. I
mean... Your never going to be able to grab your
insecurity or self-expectations by the ears and
make it your bitch, you might as well be grabbing
at smoke. It's really living without the habits that
does the work... Over time the niche that it use to
occupy within your psyche gets filled up with other
things or disappears. A habit connected to the
behaviour or whatever is something solid,
something you can really butt heads with.

With that bar out of reach thing...
My advice is make sure you take stock of where
you are and where you've come from. The desire
to be other than what we are can be a powerful
force, driving us to become harder, faster,
stronger, better... But wanting to better can also
be a curse, like a carrot always dangled just out
of reach... unless you take the time to take stock,
look back once and a while yanno.
I don't keep one anymore but a diary is a great
tool for that!

Best of luck in any case, hope it helps.

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 4/25/2013 12:19:14 AM >

_____________________________

530 DAYS

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RE: Coping with someone else's insecurity - 4/25/2013 3:37:03 AM

Dreamless

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Joined: 7/30/2010
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The answer is NOT to text them out of the blue and cut off contact forever. Unless you really want to amplify their issues times a thousand. Bitch. ANYWAY. I think that suggestion of "if you were a domme I'd suggest two days of no contact each time it happens" is basically the worst possible thing you can do to an insecure person. Way to go, making sure their fears become real. Way to fucking go.

No, tough love is the way to go and that's not tough love, that's just mean.

I had to kind of consider whether or not to chip in. I mean, I have a pretty decent view of the opposite side here, but admitting that? I suppose it makes me look less domly, but hey, if you can't master your own problems how can you master someone else? Well, whatever. I used to be extremely insecure in precisely that way.

My pale partner is basically the best at dealing with my share of insecurities, and with her patience I've gotten through a lot of wonderful paranoia instilled by the person I mentioned in the first post. The answer is to NOT compliment and reassure, because of a myriad of things... I hate being complimented unless I feel it's something I earned because I'm very competitive... I feel like people are lying just to placate me... etc. All she does is listen. She doesn't say anything judgmental. She doesn't say anything contrary. She doesn't argue or contest my points, except occasionally to say 'I don't know why you still call it "putting up with you"'. She never says things like "don't be silly, you're beautiful" or "people will love you for who you really are" or anything really. She just listens. That's it. Then maybe she'll hand me a beer, hugs if I'm really, really upset, and we'll go do something entirely different that has nothing to do with anything I'm upset about. If she does talk, it might be about something that's got her down, giving me the opportunity to shift my attention from what's upset me to how I can help her with her problem. Sometimes she apologizes for not knowing how to deal with people's emotions, but it's the fact that she doesn't really do anything to deal with it that works. She listens, then diverts.

Insecure people don't always want answers. For me, at least, knowing that I have the freedom to talk about whatever it is, gets it off my chest, and then she provides something to move on to instead of rehashing and recycling the same thoughts that are keeping me in that low spot. Compliments and reassurances? They dig the same rut. Threats about how you can't stand being around negative people? That just reenforces the problem.

Time can heal a lot of things and build back confidence. Having something to divert ones focus to really helps when faced with cycling insecurities. For me it was writing. Once I was done ranting then we could go "okay, so what happens next?" and focus on something new. Just listen, then don't dwell on it. Not yourself, and don't let him, either. Find something completely irrelevant as a hobby or distraction. Then you'll dig a new rut to get into, and maybe it'll be a more positive one.

Really, it's all about breaking the habit. If insecure - reassure - reenforce is the habit, both of you need to change that. The relationship's worth it? Then make a new habit. It doesn't have to override the old habit at first. Just distract from it. Given time he should realize there's nothing to worry about in this relationship!

Anyway, that's what worked for me. Having a good listener who didn't try to fix my paralysis made a world of a difference. Since she offered very little feedback, only what it took to keep me calm, I was able to distance myself enough to see the writing on the wall and then apply what I knew I needed to do to get over my hurt. I suppose you could apply that then to, maybe a therapist would be a good idea, someone who's outside the scope of your specific relationship. I needed to be able to get things out in a verbal/text based environment, somewhere I could see or hear myself and then step back and really think about it, and when people looped things back at me I wasn't able to get that mental distance.

That's just my personal experience though.

(in reply to ARIES83)

Post #: 19

RE: Coping with someone else's insecurity - 4/25/2013 3:52:21 AM

kookycreature

Posts: 67
Joined: 4/18/2013
From: UK
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Time

Is this a newish relationship? I always found that when I was in a relationship and it was rather new, I was always a bit insecure. What worked for me was the person reassuring me and his actions matching his words.

When I first met Master I had all sorts of insecurities. I probably did for the first few years but over time he has never given me any reason to believe he is going to leave me or hurt me in any way. I know he's not going anywhere and neither am I.

So yeah...your integrity and time is what is needed.

This. When I first got into a (then vanilla) relationship with Master, I had insecurities. So did he in a way, although not as bad. But over the months with gentle encouragement and tasks [and now light punishment if I slip back], I've dramatically improved. I am learning not to rely entirely on him for my happiness as well, which is something he encourages. A year and 8 months later and while I still have my moments, my insecurity is significantly decreased. It can be overcome with time and patience.

_____________________________

"Though I am slave," she said, " yet for the first time in my life I am free" - Nomads of Gor, pg 303

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 20

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