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Just because I understand, doesn't mean I care - 4/26/2013 8:48:07 PM

TheHeretic

Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
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So the stupid bitch just isn't up to the job, and to cover her insecurity and possible feelings of negative self worth, she's lashing out. I get it.

I tried. I got creative, and found ways around her instinctive defensiveness, as I taught her the things it was my job to teach to the new employee in the office. Well, tried to teach her, because she cannot retain directions more than one step at a time. When she dropped the ball, I'd catch it before it went too far. Maybe I enabled her behaviors, by not being willing to see her fail. She is, after all, likeable enough at first.

She is self-destructing now. She's targeted everybody in my little remote office with her bile, even texting the student intern on Friday night, trying to enlist him on "her side." The top folks in our district office are getting dragged into her bullshit, right up to the executive vp getting on the phone with her over a stupid, panicked email, and I'm pretty sure she has emailed HR on how the rest of us have offended her 6 months on the job sensibilities.

I don't care anymore. Maybe it comes from being the oldest child in a big family, maybe it is how I'm wired to begin with, but it is very hard for me to stand back silently, and watch someone fail. Here, I have now decided it is worth the effort.

I started this thread last night, but deleted it at about halfway through the vent. It's easy to feel sorry for her, and my goal in posting was to get it off my chest, rather than defend my decision that she just ain't worth my fucking efforts anymore.

Instead, I'll offer this question. When do you just give up on random shitty people who somehow entered your life? At what point does all the compassion, sympathy, empathy, and understanding wear out, and you just want them to go the fuck away again?

_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.

Post #: 1

RE: Just because I understand, doesn't mean I care - 4/26/2013 10:16:03 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

The point of not caring grows closer with every passing day. I don't get kinder, or gentler, I get more and more disgusted, or indifferent.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 2

RE: Just because I understand, doesn't mean I care - 4/26/2013 10:24:25 PM

FunCouple5280

Posts: 559
Joined: 10/30/2012
Status: offline

As soon as I know someone is like that I give up immediately. I think it is the best for them. One day they have to learn they cannot drag the world down with them and eventually step up to the plate.

You can't help someone who doesn't appreciate and/or want the help. Let them fail until they ready to make use of the help given to them. It is more compassionate to wait until they are ready for help.

< Message edited by FunCouple5280 -- 4/26/2013 10:25:27 PM >

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 3

RE: Just because I understand, doesn't mean I care - 4/26/2013 10:24:44 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

Well, I think the point may be different for different people and different things, although typically I think when we finally realize that a person has no intention of making the effort necessary for whatever it is. In this case, you tried, and tried...and tried some more, but she just doesn't want to catch on (I am making the assumption that it isn't because she can't).

I think of it like trying to help an addict. You do everything you can to explain to them the hurt they cause other people and themselves, offer them all the support you can to help them help themselves, but eventually, you just take a step back and realize that they aren't wanting to do it (yet, if ever) and nothing you do will help, so you give up.

I hope the venting has helped, and that she hasn't created too much of a shit storm for your little office.

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 4

RE: Just because I understand, doesn't mean I care - 4/26/2013 10:49:29 PM

Aswad

Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheHeretic

When do you just give up on random shitty people who somehow entered your life?

Either,

(a) when I can't spare the effort, or
(b) when I don't feel like trying anymore, or
(c) when the effort would do more good elsewhere, or
(d) when it's clear they're not worth the effort in the first place.

As a rule, the second one is related to return on investment, so it's usually the first or third that end up being the case, with the fourth tending to cooccur with the second. In most cases, I taper off, down to whatever is a sustainable level, which will tend to be more than nothing unless the fourth is true. Sometimes, though, I do cut people out entirely, in general with some advance warning so they can have a last shot at giving me a reason to care.

IWYW,
— Aswad.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 5

RE: Just because I understand, doesn't mean I care - 4/26/2013 11:19:55 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

When do you just give up on random shitty people who somehow entered your life? At what point does all the compassion, sympathy, empathy, and understanding wear out, and you just want them to go the fuck away again

When it's time, Rich. When you have decided it's time.

When "it is time" is different for everyone. It sounds cheesy, but you have to decide that for yourself.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Aswad)

Post #: 6

RE: Just because I understand, doesn't mean I care - 4/27/2013 1:45:00 AM

needlesandpins

Posts: 3901
Status: offline

i don't always give up on a person, but i may just give up on a situation that that person causes. i just refuse to get involved on that level, but will still be ok with them on every other level. the point that i back right out is when the person just refuses to listen and change the cause of the problem. whether they are doing the act deliberately or simply because they can't grasp a concept determines how i react to them further.

needles

_____________________________

I deserved better. Not than you, but from you.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 7

RE: Just because I understand, doesn't mean I care - 4/27/2013 3:10:45 AM

blacksword404

Posts: 2068
Joined: 1/4/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheHeretic

So the stupid bitch just isn't up to the job, and to cover her insecurity and possible feelings of negative self worth, she's lashing out. I get it.

I tried. I got creative, and found ways around her instinctive defensiveness, as I taught her the things it was my job to teach to the new employee in the office. Well, tried to teach her, because she cannot retain directions more than one step at a time. When she dropped the ball, I'd catch it before it went too far. Maybe I enabled her behaviors, by not being willing to see her fail. She is, after all, likeable enough at first.

She is self-destructing now. She's targeted everybody in my little remote office with her bile, even texting the student intern on Friday night, trying to enlist him on "her side." The top folks in our district office are getting dragged into her bullshit, right up to the executive vp getting on the phone with her over a stupid, panicked email, and I'm pretty sure she has emailed HR on how the rest of us have offended her 6 months on the job sensibilities.

I don't care anymore. Maybe it comes from being the oldest child in a big family, maybe it is how I'm wired to begin with, but it is very hard for me to stand back silently, and watch someone fail. Here, I have now decided it is worth the effort.

I started this thread last night, but deleted it at about halfway through the vent. It's easy to feel sorry for her, and my goal in posting was to get it off my chest, rather than defend my decision that she just ain't worth my fucking efforts anymore.

Instead, I'll offer this question. When do you just give up on random shitty people who somehow entered your life? At what point does all the compassion, sympathy, empathy, and understanding wear out, and you just want them to go the fuck away again?

When the cycle repeats itself. And will likely continue to. When I see a person is wasting my time and I'm wasting my efforts, that's that.

_____________________________

Don't fight him. Embrace your inner asshole.

Tu fellas magnus penum meum...iterum

Genuine catnip/kryptonite.
Ego sum erus.

The capacity to learn is a gift, the ability to learn a skill, the willingness to learn a choice. Dune HH

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 8

RE: Just because I understand, doesn't mean I care - 4/27/2013 3:22:29 AM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

Rich, my best friend always stops me in my tracks when she says: "Michael, before you run out the door to save the world, make sure it wants to be saved!"

There's a whole lot of truth in that but, I think to answer your question as specifically as I can (because as someone else said; it's a different point for different people in different situations): when you start realizing that your time is more valuable than the person you're giving it to is treating it.

You know, I moved into a new place about a month ago. I was having some issues with my TV. I couldn't get the picture right. I called DirecTV and spent 90 minutes on the phone with one of their help desk people and we determined that it was the damned zoom (for which there's no control on the side of the TV and no way to get to it from the OSD, using the buttons on the side of the TV).

When I realized what was going on, not only did I apologize for wasting the young lady's time but I thanked her for her time because it is valuable to her. I like to think that that made me less of a pain in the ass, in her mind.

I hope I helped and good luck with the situation.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to blacksword404)

Post #: 9

RE: Just because I understand, doesn't mean I care - 4/27/2013 5:51:57 AM

Duskypearls

Posts: 3561
Joined: 8/21/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FunCouple5280

As soon as I know someone is like that I give up immediately. I think it is the best for them. One day they have to learn they cannot drag the world down with them and eventually step up to the plate.

You can't help someone who doesn't appreciate and/or want the help. Let them fail until they ready to make use of the help given to them. It is more compassionate to wait until they are ready for help.

I'll second that, Fun.

(in reply to FunCouple5280)

Post #: 10

RE: Just because I understand, doesn't mean I care - 4/27/2013 9:07:47 AM

Kaliko

Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheHeretic

Instead, I'll offer this question. When do you just give up on random shitty people who somehow entered your life? At what point does all the compassion, sympathy, empathy, and understanding wear out, and you just want them to go the fuck away again?

It takes a long time, if ever, before I will give up trying to be understanding to someone who has acted shitty. I think it's those people that need a well-balanced ally the most.

The office, though, is a funny place. Even those you've given up on and theoretically no longer allow to bring you down...do. They still affect your day. And you have no choice about it except your own reaction.

ETA....The above may sound preachy, but it's not meant to be. There was actually a bunch more to the post that I deleted because, well, it was crap. So it doesn't end eloquently. :)

< Message edited by Kaliko -- 4/27/2013 9:12:25 AM >

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 11

RE: Just because I understand, doesn't mean I care - 4/27/2013 9:58:51 AM

erieangel

Posts: 2237
Joined: 6/19/2011
Status: offline

quote:

When do you just give up on random shitty people who somehow entered your life? At what point does all the compassion, sympathy, empathy, and understanding wear out, and you just want them to go the fuck away again?

Far too often, I can't. I simply can't. OK, in my personal life, I can. And I do. I cut off contact with people who bring me down, who I see as not being worthy of my time and effort. The last guy I dated I cut off contact with because he got upset when I got a call from one of boys at the lodge. Somebody had set off the fire alarm and I had to go up and meet the fire department. There is myself and my boss attached to that house, so I never turn off my phone--I did for my daughter's wedding, my mother's funeral and the birth of my granddaughter.

Professionally, I can't give up on anybody, no matter how much a waste of time they may be. It's frustrating when I have to go over the same things of how load a dishwasher day after day after day and they continue to do it wrong. It's frustrating when I have to explain that the phrase "my hair is more important than paying rent" will make ensure that he is homeless and doesn't have access to electricity for his hair straightener. It is frustrating when a kid's representative payee gives him the money to pay his bills and $30 spending money and the kid goes to mall and buys a $300 phone and then wonders why his payee and I are both yelling at him about his bill money. It is frustrating to the point that I want to give up but I am not allowed.

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 12

RE: Just because I understand, doesn't mean I care - 4/27/2013 2:54:19 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

Rich, my best friend always stops me in my tracks when she says: "Michael, before you run out the door to save the world, make sure it wants to be saved!"

There's a whole lot of truth in that but, I think to answer your question as specifically as I can (because as someone else said; it's a different point for different people in different situations): when you start realizing that your time is more valuable than the person you're giving it to is treating it.

You know, I moved into a new place about a month ago. I was having some issues with my TV. I couldn't get the picture right. I called DirecTV and spent 90 minutes on the phone with one of their help desk people and we determined that it was the damned zoom (for which there's no control on the side of the TV and no way to get to it from the OSD, using the buttons on the side of the TV).

When I realized what was going on, not only did I apologize for wasting the young lady's time but I thanked her for her time because it is valuable to her. I like to think that that made me less of a pain in the ass, in her mind.

I hope I helped and good luck with the situation.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

Flawless.

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 13

RE: Just because I understand, doesn't mean I care - 4/27/2013 3:09:11 PM

dcnovice

Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

Rich, my best friend always stops me in my tracks when she says: "Michael, before you run out the door to save the world, make sure it wants to be saved!"

There's a whole lot of truth in that but, I think to answer your question as specifically as I can (because as someone else said; it's a different point for different people in different situations): when you start realizing that your time is more valuable than the person you're giving it to is treating it.

You know, I moved into a new place about a month ago. I was having some issues with my TV. I couldn't get the picture right. I called DirecTV and spent 90 minutes on the phone with one of their help desk people and we determined that it was the damned zoom (for which there's no control on the side of the TV and no way to get to it from the OSD, using the buttons on the side of the TV).

When I realized what was going on, not only did I apologize for wasting the young lady's time but I thanked her for her time because it is valuable to her. I like to think that that made me less of a pain in the ass, in her mind.

I hope I helped and good luck with the situation.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

Flawless.

Agreed.

_____________________________

No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)

Post #: 14

RE: Just because I understand, doesn't mean I care - 4/27/2013 4:27:21 PM

TheHeretic

Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline

5 hours in the office today, catching up on my own work, because of time I have spent fixing her mistakes over the last few weeks.

I'm not sure where the line was, or even that there a specific moment. I think it was cumulative, and within a short enough time window that I hadn't let the early stuff go yet. I do know I'm going to have a hell of a time not handing her a legitimate HR complaint, in however long it's going to take to get rid of her.

And thanks for all the great replies.

_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.

(in reply to dcnovice)

Post #: 15

RE: Just because I understand, doesn't mean I care - 4/27/2013 5:43:02 PM

playfulotter

Posts: 2195
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Maybe this is why I really, really get to know what a person is all about before I engage them into my life...I don't know who you are talking about but it is a reason to take it slow at first...I am sure I am probably off-base but just wanted to put my 1 cent in. I hope all is well soon!

< Message edited by playfulotter -- 4/27/2013 5:44:35 PM >

_____________________________

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.” ― Benjamin Franklin

"Some people are otters, some people are rocks." ~Sheldon Cooper

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 16

RE: Just because I understand, doesn't mean I care - 4/27/2013 5:47:00 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

I am only responsible for what I said.

(Not what you understood).

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 17

RE: Just because I understand, doesn't mean I care - 4/27/2013 5:49:26 PM

TheHeretic

Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie

I am only responsible for what I said.

(Not what you understood).

I'm going to remember that one, in case I do wind up getting a call from HR. Thanks.

_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)

Post #: 18

RE: Just because I understand, doesn't mean I care - 4/27/2013 5:53:50 PM

TheHeretic

Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: playfulotter

Maybe this is why I really, really get to know what a person is all about before I engage them into my life...I don't know who you are talking about but it is a reason to take it slow at first...I am sure I am probably off-base but just wanted to put my 1 cent in. I hope all is well soon!

Well, unless you have complete and independent control over everyone you work with, not very applicable here, but good advice in general.

_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.

(in reply to playfulotter)

Post #: 19

RE: Just because I understand, doesn't mean I care - 4/27/2013 5:58:30 PM

playfulotter

Posts: 2195
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

My apologies..I thought it was someone you had a out-of-work relationship with first....Disregard my posting.

_____________________________

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.” ― Benjamin Franklin

"Some people are otters, some people are rocks." ~Sheldon Cooper

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 20

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