njlauren
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Joined: 10/1/2011
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Even with 'open minded parents' it can be tough to come out, there are a lot of people, for example, who claim to be okay with gays, with sexuality, who when it is their own kid freak out, so it can be tough to come out even with liberal parents as in the OP's case. I know of parents who were big on racism/racial inequality, who freaked out when their kids were dating someone of a different race, as another example. It isn't so much racism, as realizing the difference that makes, the different path the child will face, and even with same sex marriage moving along to the point where even the most ardent haters are going to have to throw in the towel at some point, it is still different and IMO that is what can make it hard.
I don't think celebration is a term, on that I agree with LL, I wouldn't celebrate it any more then if/when my son is dating. As much as we have told my son it is okay whatever he is, grown up around some pretty weird situations, met a lot of different people, I would tell him I was glad he could talk to us, that he wasn't afraid, that he knew we would love him and support him (put it this way,he is a serious music student, and that is literally diving off the deep end with support, after that, being different otherwise might not be such a big thing *lol*).
If the OP's D is miffed by the reaction, I agree, it is mostly teen theatrics at work. Based on my own experience with my S (and having heard from folks with daughters, it can be much worse), sometimes they create elaborate fantasies about what will happen, how they will be the poor kid telling their parents they are gay or whatever, how they will have to fight them and bring them around and be the hero in their own drama (and I may be at the age of early senility, but I do remember that as a teenager), and the OP's response kind of blew that fantasy scenario apart..self pitying, feeling like no one understands them, is part of the teen angst parents know and love (In one of the Harry Potter books, a ghost, I believe a painting of some ex head of Slytherin, gives Harry a whole long, sneering monolog when Harry is feeling sorry for himself, great scene) and the kids play out. I am no child psychologist, but from what I read in books years ago, it is part of the kid differentiating themselves and breaking away from the parents:).
Plus in some ways there can be a certain 'coolness' to coming out as gay or chic around it in some quarters in high school (I suspect it is not all or even a lot of places, but have heard of it locally), and maybe there is a little of that, too.
I wouldn't feel guilty, I would simply tell her if I was her parent I was proud of her for being able to come to me with it, that I understand it still took a lot of courage even knowing I was liberal, and told her whatever she wanted to do I was behind her and that if she needed anything, she could always talk to me about it.
I came to grips with my gender stuff well into adulthood and my parents were long gone, but as a teen, when I started realizing I was different, I did have thoughts of telling my parents or my sister, but I never had the courage (and probably rightfully so, I had very liberal parents, but I don't think their reaction would have been all that great, either, my mom would tell me I was mentally masturbating, my dad would prob tell me I didn't know what I was, plus he was sort of a misogynist), but I played those dramas out with me as hero/heroine....
As far as GID, I would be careful about using that term. "Thinking like a man", being a kind of androgynous/butch type of woman, or 'thinking like a woman' are more about gender roles then identity. A man who is intuitive , who uses instincts, is more of a conciliator (usually assigned as something women tend to do) may be 'thinking like a woman' but is otherwise perfectly happy as a man; a woman who is the logical type, who insists on numbers and facts, won't make decisions without them, who is all about competition between individual performers, things assume to be in the 'male' domain may be happily a female. My mom was kind of masculine in many ways, but she was happy to be a woman (least I think so) ....as are many butch appearing women *shrug*. Gender identity is very weird, there are people who id as neither, people who id as some sort of mix, and the binary system may not work well for a lot of people...but those in the middle like that are relatively rare. GID to me means when someone looks at themself in the mirror and feels a disconnect between the way their body is, their feelings, and what they think it should be, and it is very, very tough to get to the point where GID is the ultimate answer. I don't know if there is a term about gender role disorder, where someone is happy with their sex and gender identity but not the way they are expected to play it out (feminist friend of mine would tell me "yeah, most women until the women's rights movement", which I would answer is true of men as well, I look back at the Mad Men era and want to puke for both men and women). GID comes about when you know what you are is wrong and need to figure out how to make yourself feel comfortable with yourself, and that isn't easy.
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RE: Wrong reaction to Daughter coming out? - 
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