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How do you know/start as dom? - 5/5/2013 4:38:57 PM   
Thomaszszs


Posts: 1
Joined: 5/5/2013
Status: offline 		Hi all,

First post on the forum! So please be kind.

I'm currently in a long relationship with my girlfriend, but I've known I'm into bdsm/powerplay for quite a while now. I'm lately finding that vanilla doesn't really cut it for me anymore, and I would like to explore the bdsm/dom scene... I've tied my girlfriend up several times, and tried to take it somewhat further (I'm rather into humiliation & kink, but even then it was soft), but she doesn't wish to go as far as I do. I've got the feeling I've been stumbling about for a couple of months now, not making progress in how I would like to live my private life...

I haven't really talked this out with my girlfriend, as (a) I've tried - subtly and not so subtly - to get her along, but she won't, and (b) if she's not made that way, I won't make her (I'm rather libertarian about that).

Has anyone experienced this as well, and could anyone say on how to approach this? I wouldn't wish to leave my girlfriend for just "confusion", yet I'm not intending to have this situation go on for too long anymore either. Live as you are, not as people would like you to be...

Thanks,
Thomas
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How do you know/start as dom? - 5/5/2013 5:28:45 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		A couple of thoughts...
People don't usually react well to feeling pressured, why not try an open conversation? What have you got to lose? Make it clear to her as you've done here, that you aren't making progress towards something that intrigues you, and you'd like to explore this side of you more, but you're also willing to consider that she might not be along for the ride. The subtle hints and gentle nudges may work against you, she might need you being forward and honest to really get to thinking about it. I really balk when I feel pressured or uncomfortable. If someone spent the time to get me on board, then I'd be a lot more open to trying some things out.

I've had a recent episode of telling someone I've been talking to as far as trying a relationship, that i'm kinky. He's raring to go and try some things out when we can...we have a bit longer that we'll be apart and then we'll be trying out the relationship stuff first, then the kink. He's got an open mind to it. I figure if we make it to that point, I'll go slowly. I'm hoping that when he sees my enthusiasm he'll come around. This is somewhat different than your case since I talked to him about it in some depth before we try it out. I can say that the approach I used seems to be working in my favor. We'll see how it goes in real life.

(in reply to Thomaszszs)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: How do you know/start as dom? - 5/5/2013 5:34:56 PM   
Shininglight23


Posts: 1336
Status: offline 		Thomas,

First, welcome to the forums.


As for your inquiry...

I'm not going to give you any suggestions on how to live your "private" life.

As a 25 year old adult...you should be able to openly discuss with your partner what your needs and wants are. I'm under the impression she wouldn't be okay with you exploring without her. If she is unwilling to go forward and you're unwilling to stop exploring without her...that would be cheating.

If you can't discuss your wants and needs... I'm guessing you haven't had the "open relationship" conversation either.

Does she know that you are "not intending to have this situation go on for too long anymore either"? That might be a good place for you to start.

As I am only a person on the internet, and I am not part of your relationship.. I don't have any earth shattering advice. The only thing I can say is... communication was key to any successful relationship that I've ever been in.


Allie



< Message edited by Shininglight23 -- 5/5/2013 5:37:53 PM >

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(in reply to Thomaszszs)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: How do you know/start as dom? - 5/5/2013 5:35:02 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Ouch. The standard book on the subject is When Someone You Love is Kinky.

So have a conversation about what SHE wants, what gets HER off. She might be more receptive to your desires if she feels it's not a one way street.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Profile   Post #: 4
RE: How do you know/start as dom? - 5/5/2013 5:59:12 PM   
MAINEiacMISTRESS


Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Thomaszszs

Hi all,

First post on the forum! So please be kind.

I'm currently in a long relationship with my girlfriend, but I've known I'm into bdsm/powerplay for quite a while now. I'm lately finding that vanilla doesn't really cut it for me anymore, and I would like to explore the bdsm/dom scene... I've tied my girlfriend up several times, and tried to take it somewhat further (I'm rather into humiliation & kink, but even then it was soft), but she doesn't wish to go as far as I do. I've got the feeling I've been stumbling about for a couple of months now, not making progress in how I would like to live my private life...

I haven't really talked this out with my girlfriend, as (a) I've tried - subtly and not so subtly - to get her along, but she won't, and (b) if she's not made that way, I won't make her (I'm rather libertarian about that).

Has anyone experienced this as well, and could anyone say on how to approach this? I wouldn't wish to leave my girlfriend for just "confusion", yet I'm not intending to have this situation go on for too long anymore either. Live as you are, not as people would like you to be...

Thanks,
Thomas


Well, I have a question...You say you tied her up, and she allowed you to some extent but she's not into the humiliation thing...well, to Me it sounds like she's not the submissive type. Have you tried REVERSING roles? Let her tie you up and she be the boss for a night. Give her some toys to use on you; try to make it interesting for her. Anyway, that's ONE way to explore it with someone who isn't feeling excitement. Maybe you'll find her spark.

As for breaking up with her over this, I'm not sure I agree with that. You say you've been in this relationship a long time, you didn't specify duration, but if it's say a year or so then you both have quite an investment. If things work well otherwise I wouldn't toss the relationship out for the sake of kink or Domination. There is certainly much more to a lasting relationship than sex (of course, for a lot of men that's what it's about)

Many of us are married to vanillas, it doesn't change who we are or mean we CAN'T Play. It just means we have to be more creative to get our experiences in. It *IS* possible to have Play partners without cheating. Some straights only Play with same-sex subs, or put some type of Hard Limit on Play (My own preference is an example of a Hard Limit that allows for non-sexual D/s, I'm not going to give a lengthy explaination, but you can read My profile if you want an example of it).

Good luck.
--MM

< Message edited by MAINEiacMISTRESS -- 5/5/2013 6:02:01 PM >

(in reply to Thomaszszs)
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RE: How do you know/start as dom? - 5/5/2013 7:25:45 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		It sounds to me like you are talking about topping and bottoming and kinky sex but not D/s. As for how to get her into it, I dunno. I can't say I've ever had this problem.

Leave a pair of handcuffs on your bed?
Leave a book on the table?
Go to a toy store and let her pick out some things she likes and implement them slowly?


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Thomaszszs)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: How do you know/start as dom? - 5/5/2013 7:49:40 PM   
MasterCaneman


Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline 		Thomas, perhaps I can help here. I am in a similar situation to you, in having a vanilla girlfriend. Years ago, when we were cementing our relationship, I brought up my predilections. I did it in a neutral time and location so as not to have the question looming when we went to bed. She was very firm in not wishing to explore this avenue, and I let it drop. If you love someone and wish to be with them, sometimes sacrifices must be made. I do not regret for one minute not pressing her further on the issue.

You will not make her change her mind overnight, I assure you, if at all. Accept it. I like the idea of "turnabout", but that may not be the answer to your dilemma. The fact is, not everyone is into kink. Period. Carol has never played it in the past, and has no intention of starting now. I'm sure if I pressured her, she'd go through the motions, but to what end? One partner is unhappy, and I guarantee you that you won't be much happier during the session. Things like this can snowball.

Here is what I do: I use the greatest sexual organ of all time, the human mind. When we're together, in my head I am acting out all the twisted things I used to do with my scene partners. She is none the wiser, I am satisfied with both the vanilla expression of lovemaking she's comfortable with, and in the end we're both happy. If you love her and respect her now, keep doing that, irregardless of whether or not she wants to play the games your way. If you can't, then you can legitimately say that you're unhappy in the relationship and end it on those reasons.

It doesn't matter how a partner's unhappy. If one is, the other will soon pick it up and that's when the heartache starts. The first person you have to have a conversation with is you. Is your desire more important to you than what you have right now? Could you leave her for the Scene? Could you see yourself looking for someone else? Accept what is and cherish it. If not, try to walk away friends, if nothing else. Man, I sincerely hope you make the right decision here. Best of luck to you, I mean it.

< Message edited by MasterCaneman -- 5/5/2013 7:52:00 PM >

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(in reply to Thomaszszs)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: How do you know/start as dom? - 5/5/2013 10:20:45 PM   
littleclip


Posts: 869
Joined: 5/31/2012
Status: offline 		when someone you know is kinky is a great place to start as is openly discussing the ideas with her and seing if there is a way she could allow you to explore them with someone else like in a public dungon see if there would be any limits to what you could not do ect

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RE: How do you know/start as dom? - 5/6/2013 8:17:22 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Thomaszszs
if she's not made that way, I won't make her (I'm rather libertarian about that).


Yeah, news flash: You couldn't make her that way, even if you tried.

There's a good book "When someone you love is kinky". It would be a good place to start.

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Profile   Post #: 9
RE: How do you know/start as dom? - 5/6/2013 8:32:09 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Just because she isn't into humiliation doesn't mean she isn't submissive. Lots of subs dislike humiliation. Some like bondage, some don't. Same with pain play.

What is she into? Would she like orgasm control or forced orgasms? Would she enjoy being spanked? Have you bothered to talk to her?

And planning to find someone else you can play kinky games with without telling her just makes you into a creep. Tell her you're not happy and break it off like an adult. Let her find someone who actually thinks she's perfect, because she deserves that more than being cheated on.

_____________________________

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Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 10
RE: How do you know/start as dom? - 5/6/2013 8:49:19 AM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline
quote:

Just because she isn't into humiliation doesn't mean she isn't submissive. Lots of subs dislike humiliation. Some like bondage, some don't. Same with pain play.



Exactly. My Master calls me his slave (personally I feel I'm more submissive than slave, but meh, whatever floats his boat). He also knows that whatever he tells me about myself I take personally and seriously. Humiliation is not a part of our relationship. We build each other up at all times, we never tear each other down, even in "play".


OP - I suggest you mention your girlfriend in your profile and whether or not she is going to be a part of your BDSM play. Potential subs can click a button on your profile and find that you mention her here (and that you are implying that you plan to cheat on her). One thing that we believe in around here is informed consent. She has a right to know that a) she won't be alone in your life and b) she has a right to decide what that means to her (including what kinds of sexual risks). Just because we are submissive doesn't mean we are an easy lay and don't take safety seriously.

< Message edited by searching4mysir -- 5/6/2013 8:53:31 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 11
RE: How do you know/start as dom? - 5/8/2013 10:49:45 PM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Thomaszszs

Hi all,

First post on the forum! So please be kind.

I'm currently in a long relationship with my girlfriend, but I've known I'm into bdsm/powerplay for quite a while now. I'm lately finding that vanilla doesn't really cut it for me anymore, and I would like to explore the bdsm/dom scene... I've tied my girlfriend up several times, and tried to take it somewhat further (I'm rather into humiliation & kink, but even then it was soft), but she doesn't wish to go as far as I do. I've got the feeling I've been stumbling about for a couple of months now, not making progress in how I would like to live my private life...

I haven't really talked this out with my girlfriend, as (a) I've tried - subtly and not so subtly - to get her along, but she won't, and (b) if she's not made that way, I won't make her (I'm rather libertarian about that).

Has anyone experienced this as well, and could anyone say on how to approach this? I wouldn't wish to leave my girlfriend for just "confusion", yet I'm not intending to have this situation go on for too long anymore either. Live as you are, not as people would like you to be...

Thanks,
Thomas



Yup. Be very careful about this. Unless she is the least bit attracted to BDSM she will run so furst relate how a "friend' and his girl does this and see her reaction, then next time you make love to her pin her arms over her head as if she were bound and even see if the next time after that you suddenly notice she is holding her arms up as if they are bound already (a classic signal) and even gently grab some hair and judge her reaction. If all that seems to work well then talk to her about this.

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to Thomaszszs)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: How do you know/start as dom? - 5/9/2013 8:05:37 AM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Ouch. The standard book on the subject is When Someone You Love is Kinky.

So have a conversation about what SHE wants, what gets HER off. She might be more receptive to your desires if she feels it's not a one way street.

EXACTLY, when clubbing her like a baby seal with a copy of 50 shades doesn't work...try talking. Worse that happens is she breaks up with you for being a kinky bastard & you can find a partner that digs that

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
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(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: How do you know/start as dom? - 5/9/2013 3:38:14 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Thomas,

As pitiful as the writing is in "50 Shades of Grey" it's an enormously popular book and might pique her interest. How about you read it, then give it to her and ask her if there are any scenes in it that she'd like to try?

Regarding the humiliation thing, I am very much into kink but not at all humiliation.

Good luck!

KK



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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: How do you know/start as dom? - 5/26/2013 6:11:36 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		A few have mentioned this but the way to turn a woman into a pervert isn't to talk her into your fantasies but to explore hers. Show her how a good partner reacts to wierd stuff and viola, she learns to and develops a taste for yours.

I no longer bother looking in the scene for partners and instead find vanilla women and retrain them.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: How do you know/start as dom? - 5/26/2013 7:24:09 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		If you were so unfortunate as to try to convert me to a course of action by subtle hints and inuendos, you would be disappointed - because I don't hear them. If they are that subtle i won't hear them.

Put your cards on the table, be honest and see what she says. You won't lose anything , because right now, you really don't have her. You have an idea or a potential of a relationship.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: How do you know/start as dom? - 5/26/2013 11:35:07 AM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MAINEiacMISTRESS
you tied her up, and she allowed you to some extent but she's not into the humiliation thing...well, to Me it sounds like she's not the submissive type.

Not liking humiliation does not mean she isn't submissive. Lots of submissives don't like being humiliated.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MAINEiacMISTRESS
Have you tried REVERSING roles? Let her tie you up and she be the boss for a night. Give her some toys to use on you; try to make it interesting for her.

He's not a switch. If she happens to like being the Boss, it still won't work.

NBMG

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RE: How do you know/start as dom? - 5/26/2013 11:38:35 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Tell her the truth, straight out and straight up.
If it goes well, great for the both of you.
If not, well, you saved the both of you a lot of time and in this life, time is really the only precious thing

_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How do you know/start as dom? - 5/27/2013 7:01:13 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		I had the opposite situation as you.
Except, I had to break it to my husband that I wanted him to humiliate me, whip me, tie me up, use me like a whore, things like that.

Okay, his 100% vanilla.

I started gentle, suggesting spicing up our sex life, with role plays, that includes some rape fantasies.

Anyway...., look...., a vanilla will always be a vanilla. That will not change ever.

All you can do is find out if she is into it too, and if she is, she is, if she's not, you got a decision to make.

My x-husband could not deal with my kinks, he was quite horrified. Thus we had to part.

(in reply to Thomaszszs)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How do you know/start as dom? - 5/28/2013 1:26:07 PM   
SwitchNSpanky


Posts: 418
Joined: 5/28/2013
Status: offline 		Hi Thomas. (your name is THE best ever! I should know, it's my name too bro.)

Also like you I'm far more kinky than my Wife. So I play at her comfort zone while being very open about my turn ons. I love power play and prefer to Dom but I also have fun as a Sub. The Wife is ... Uncomfortable being too submissive despite being very submissive during vanilla sex. You'd swear she'd love to jump right into the Sub role. But.. In the end, no. So right now I'm Subbing for her (despite never being a Sub before)as she gets more into her role as a Dom. Since she is the Dom it's very easy for her to set things to her comfort level. Right now, today, she's not as aggressive or inventive as I might like. But I'm having a ball pretending I'm a fully trained Slave that was just devivered to a Lady thats never owned one before...and letting her figure out how fun owning a living sex toy can be. Seeing her go "hey... This IS cool, I like this!" at different times has been waaay hot.

So if your feeling up to being a Sub, try having a comfortable no pressure kinda talk about what turns you both on. Then hand her a coupon for a Slave for a Day, and see where it goes. You might be surprised where it leads you two.

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 20
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