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RE: Should I tell my daughter... - 5/6/2013 4:01:06 PM

kiwisub12

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Your daughter already knows that he is an arsehole. She doesn't need you telling her that. Its kind of like people who tell you that you are fat - you already know, it doesn't help and doesn't do a thing to help you with the problem.

Tell her you heard about the episode and if she ever needs you you are there. And drop it - even if you really really want to want to beat the dead horse. I married an arsehole and had no idea that my family thought that. My mum (rightly) kept her mouth shut. I had to come to the realisation that I couldn't live with him any more by myself. It so wouldn't have helped to know that my family didn't like him.

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RE: Should I tell my daughter... - 5/6/2013 5:09:58 PM

Kaliko

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

Your daughter already knows that he is an arsehole. She doesn't need you telling her that. Its kind of like people who tell you that you are fat - you already know, it doesn't help and doesn't do a thing to help you with the problem.

Tell her you heard about the episode and if she ever needs you you are there. And drop it - even if you really really want to want to beat the dead horse. I married an arsehole and had no idea that my family thought that. My mum (rightly) kept her mouth shut. I had to come to the realisation that I couldn't live with him any more by myself. It so wouldn't have helped to know that my family didn't like him.

I actually feel the exact opposite. I struggled for so long, thinking there was something wrong with the way that I was perceiving my husband's treatment of me because I thought everyone else thought he was such a nice guy. But he had this nasty bit about him that I flipped back and forth on, wondering if it was just me. After we separated, I finally learned what others were thinking, with comments of "It's about time" and "Yeah, he just wasn't all that nice to you." God, it really would have helped me to know that I wasn't crazy for thinking what I was thinking.

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RE: Should I tell my daughter... - 5/6/2013 5:13:06 PM

NuevaVida

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Sounds like a horrible environment for your grandchild to grow up in. That would be my first concern.

As for their relationship, volatile relationships like that often go through several upswing/downswings before ultimately ending, and this can take years. I'm pretty sure she already knows he's an asshole; she just hasn't made the decision to do something about it. Your telling her this will either elicit a defensive response from her or feed her drama while they're on the downswing, only to receive her resentment when they're back on the upswing.

My concern here would be for the grandchild, and I'd be asking her if she agrees that that's no environment in which to raise a child, and what she plans to do to provide that kid a healthier upbringing.

But about the relationship? All the loved ones in the world can tell her it's a bad relationship, but she won't do a damn thing about it until she feels she is ready to, and will likely distance herself from those who tell her that. I say this from experience.

And stop giving them money.

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RE: Should I tell my daughter... - 5/6/2013 5:18:56 PM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

I actually feel the exact opposite. I struggled for so long, thinking there was something wrong with the way that I was perceiving my husband's treatment of me because I thought everyone else thought he was such a nice guy. But he had this nasty bit about him that I flipped back and forth on, wondering if it was just me. After we separated, I finally learned what others were thinking, with comments of "It's about time" and "Yeah, he just wasn't all that nice to you." God, it really would have helped me to know that I wasn't crazy for thinking what I was thinking.

For me, it wasn't until we were in marriage counseling and the therapist kept focusing on *him* every week, that I realized I wasn't the sole problem due to something wrong with me, and that he was really fucked up and I was also fucked up for allowing this into my life.

Those who had tried to tell me, well they were relieved when I finally left, but I had refused to believe them. Those who knew but *didn't* tell me until after the fact, actually made me feel relieved, yet rather embarrassed. But for those who kept trying to tell me...well I was convinced they just didn't see what an awful person I was.

So to an outsider, it's really a lose/lose. We always wish they had done something different, but the truth is, we have to experience and see the dysfunction for ourselves.

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RE: Should I tell my daughter... - 5/6/2013 7:22:13 PM

littlewonder

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Keep it to yourself. Telling her will only get you in deep doo doo with her.

If they decide to get back together again and mend their marriage then you will be seen as the evil "step-mom". If they get divorced, everytime it's time for his visitation with the children, you again, will be blamed for their reactions at times.

Just don't say a word to either of them or the grandchildren, ever. Believe me, it will come back to bite you in the ass.

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RE: Should I tell my daughter... - 5/6/2013 9:37:15 PM

erieangel

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Thanks everybody. I had decided after I posted the long story to kind of keep "he's an asshole" from my daughter. See, I remembered that my own mother never tired of telling me of her contempt for my husband. I hated it and its probably one of the reasons why I put up with his abuse for as long as I did--the whole "I'll prove mom wrong" thing.

Anyway, I had told my daughter that she was wrong for slapping her husband.

Anyway, as for my ex wanting to leave his live-in-girlfriend. I guess they don't even sleep together anymore. My ex spends most nights at our daughter's and pays rent on the place he shares with GF. And Saturday he was complaining that she's been accusing him of having an affair. I didn't ask him if he is...I just had fun telling him "what goes around comes around" because back in the day, when I was college, I took 21 credits one semester, worked 3 part time jobs, the kids were 3 and 1 yrs old and my then husband had the gall to accuse me of sleeping around because obviously I had to have been since I had no energy for him. That was the beginning of the end--of my marriage and my sanity. I didn't know it at the time, but I was manic that semester.

My daughter keeps trying to save money for a down payment for a house. Somehow, it keeps getting spent. Car repairs, a new shotgun (that burned me up), a new outdoor grill when the old one just needed a regulator and my son could have fixed it. The SIL wanted a new computer because the old one was getting...well old and slow. My son brought home, took it apart, through in some parts that used to in my computer (newer and actually an upgrade from their parts) and bought a few new parts and is busy repairing it. Total cost less than $100.

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RE: Should I tell my daughter... - 5/7/2013 7:29:20 AM

LafayetteLady

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Telling her it was wrong to slap him wasn't bad.

The thing is you can support her during the arguments without ever calling him an asshole or even alluding to it. When she is bitching about him, be supportive. But also remind her that only she can make the decision of what to do. Only she can decide what she will and will not tolerate. If she pushes for your opinion, remind her that it is what YOU would tolerate, and she is different.

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RE: Should I tell my daughter... - 5/7/2013 8:53:01 AM

theshytype

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Good choice!

On the flip side, I've learned long ago to never talk negatively about my husband to close friends and family (especially my mother). When all they hear are negative things, it's easy for them to conclude that person is an asshole. I enjoy talking about everything with my mother, but this is one thing best left to myself.

I'm wondering if the money issues are the major root of their problems? That can put a HUGE strain on relationships.

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