Becoming emotionally attached

Becoming emotionally attached (Full Version)

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new2subaz -> Becoming emotionally attached (5/7/2013 7:57:44 PM)
Hello there :) If you haven't guessed, I'm new to this whole "lifestyle" (I say that in quotations because I'm not quite sure what to call it yet). I was hoping to gain some insight into something I've been experiencing. I would ask you please be gentle and remember I'm new...don't beat up the new kid ;) With being a sub, I find myself becoming emotionally attached to the man I'm conversing with. I am a girl, afterall, so I did expect some level of attachment to develop right off the bat, but I was not expecting THIS level. Is this normal for a sub new to this lifestyle? There are powerful emotions involved with this and it's just so...overwhelming. Is that right right word? I don't know. It's almost like I NEED him and when I don't hear from him after a while, I get upset. Being a normally vanilla independent person, this is odd for me. Thanks for the advice :) (This is such a terrible thread and terrible wording--I'm sorry in advance!)

littleclip -> RE: Becoming emotionally attached (5/7/2013 8:15:09 PM)
first welcome to the boards emotional attachment is common the level of attachment that you acheive and the level of trust that you get with your partner. for me i found the attachment and trust went hand in hand now i am internaly collared to the one i serve as i have become completly attached and trust her completely i have no fear of anything while playing with her i only have found one thing that i can not deal with and that is the crack of whips(deployed to combat before) . but as with all things be cautious and ask questions of him and about him in the community as there are those that say they are dominate but realy just are abusers enjoy the journey i hope you find as much happines as i have found

Born2PleezeU -> RE: Becoming emotionally attached (5/7/2013 8:24:41 PM)
I too, am new to this web site and the lifestyle, and I have experienced the very same thing as the OP. I conversed with a domme on another site for several months and began experiencing an overwhelming attachment and NEED just as you described. We met in person, went on some very enjoyable vanilla dates, and even played together several times. It got to the point where I could never stop thinking of her, from the moment I woke up to the moment I feel asleep. If I didnt hear from her it was absolute torture, and left me feeling incredibly disconnected and dependent. I am 44 years old and no novice to relationships, and yet I have never experienced anything like this level of emotional attachment. It was kind of pathetic in a way, and yet I was fully absorbed by it. Unfortunately, in my case, my enthusiasm and attachment led me to push her away, and now I am devastated by the sudden loss. I hope that sharing this will help others avoid making the same mistake I did. My feeling is that it is very overwhelming for a new, inexperienced submissive when they first find a dominant with whom they connect. Maybe it's partly sub frenzy, or our extra vulnerability that makes us feel this powerful attachment so early. But it is definitely best to try to rein in those strong feelings and take things slowly. I sure wish that I had. :-(

new2subaz -> RE: Becoming emotionally attached (5/7/2013 8:29:44 PM)
Thank you Born2PleezeU, that's exactly what I'm feeling right now. I am also afraid my attachment will push him away, which is why I came to this board instead of throwing it all on him. I have made mention of it to him, for the sake of full disclosure, but I prefer to "talk it out" here first. I'm glad to see I'm not crazy. I was feeling a little crazy and needy. I am SO not like that in "real" life!

DarkSteven -> RE: Becoming emotionally attached (5/7/2013 8:31:28 PM)
The words you're looking for are "sub frenzy".

SeverinVim -> RE: Becoming emotionally attached (5/7/2013 8:39:26 PM)
Neediness is never an attractive trait to possess. When you're not comfortable letting the other person breathe, your behavior is implicitly calling into question the validity of your relationship.

Born2PleezeU -> RE: Becoming emotionally attached (5/7/2013 8:42:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: new2subaz Thank you Born2PleezeU, that's exactly what I'm feeling right now. I am also afraid my attachment will push him away, which is why I came to this board instead of throwing it all on him. I have made mention of it to him, for the sake of full disclosure, but I prefer to "talk it out" here first. I'm glad to see I'm not crazy. I was feeling a little crazy and needy. I am SO not like that in "real" life! No, you are definitely not crazy my dear. But DO pump the brakes a little and try to get some perspective before you do the same thing I did. The truth is, he may not be right dom for you anyway...he's just the first one you are connecting with. This has been a very painful lesson for me to learn.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Becoming emotionally attached (5/7/2013 8:55:54 PM)
You don't mention how long you have been talking to this person. In any case, you shouldn't be developing an emotional attachment to a screen name, which is what you are doing. If you haven't met the person, then they really are just words on a screen. No offense, but I've found that those who quickly get attached to someone they speak with on a kink site are just as likely to be getting too quickly invested if it were a vanilla relationship. Based on what you saying you are looking for in your profile, you shouldn't take this any differently than you would vanilla dating. In other words, get to know someone as a person and see if you have any chemistry. Don't get involved in any D/s stuff until you have met in person and done this.

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Becoming emotionally attached (5/7/2013 9:08:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: new2subaz With being a sub, I find myself becoming emotionally attached to the man I'm conversing with. I am a girl, afterall, so I did expect some level of attachment to develop right off the bat, but I was not expecting THIS level. Is this normal for a sub new to this lifestyle? There are powerful emotions involved with this and it's just so...overwhelming. Is that right right word? I don't know. It's almost like I NEED him and when I don't hear from him after a while, I get upset. Being a normally vanilla independent person, this is odd for me. This is not a terrible thread, and your wording is not terrible. I think that for subs, they call it "sub frenzy." For dominants, I thinks it's referred to as Dom/me drop? When you first get into this, and learn/experience, and feel these overwhelming emotions 24-48hours later, and you just NEED to connect, and ascertain that what you did wasn't an illusion, and you're feelings have real foundation, etc.. What you feel is normal. Take an extra moment to learn, and understand where you are with this dominant person. It's important not to be too far ahead/behind; and hopefully, he is sensible/sensitive to your experiences, and feelings. Welcome to the boards, M

new2subaz -> RE: Becoming emotionally attached (5/7/2013 9:21:46 PM)
Thank you for your words, everyone. I'm glad people understand and have even been though what this is I'm feeling. I'm glad I can talk this through. I'm such a girl sometimes! :) And thank you for being gentle on the newbie :)

Hera462 -> RE: Becoming emotionally attached (5/7/2013 10:10:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SeverinVim Neediness is never an attractive trait to possess. I'm going to have to disagree with you here Severin. I do find some neediness attractive in a relationship.Not everyone feels this way, but never certainly does not apply. I also think its completely natural to be excited by the possibility of a real connection. Everybody is different. I feel if you are trying to change your heart too much from its honest and natural state eventually you are going to end up resenting the other person. Sure maybe it will last longer if you fake your feelings... But what the hell good is a long lasting coffin made for two.You might even be pulling so far in the other direction that the person of your affection finds you aloof and uninterested. I've been in mostly long term relationships My entire adult life. For all the good, the bad, and the ugly I've learned the most important thing is to stay true to yourself. If you really feel like you need to work on yourself take some time off and do that before getting into another relationship.Figure out what is integral to your emotional balance. In the event that I was in a relationship with someone who was pushing the neediness button too often, I would talk to them about it and try to figure out what the real problem was/if it could be fixed. I'm not saying to be foolish or to jeopardize your safety , but every pot has a lid.

saundrakitty -> RE: Becoming emotionally attached (5/7/2013 10:17:16 PM)
Some New people do not realize they are having issues with sub frenzie and can get into some unsavory problems if they do not stop and think things through before they act. One is getting to know the person behind the name on Cm or even Fet Life through getting to know them hopefully in real life. I would recommend going to some Local Munches as well as some events and taking the classes they offer. Here if you were in my state would strongly taking the BDMS 101 class. You would learn a lot from it. Take you're time and don't jump at the first one that comes along so that you find the right person that fits with you.

sexyred1 -> RE: Becoming emotionally attached (5/7/2013 10:44:36 PM)
You have sub frenzy. Don't get overly crazy about someone you are just talking to. Meet them first and then determine whether they are even worth your time to get to know. Getting too attached at such an early juncture whether you have met them or not is not being self protective. Don't invest too much in something that may not be a good investment. If they are, time will tell.

kiwisub12 -> RE: Becoming emotionally attached (5/8/2013 4:05:47 AM)
OP - you might try to remember that there is a dirty pair of socks, and underpants attached to the computer person you are talking to. At the end of the day, do you want to deal with them? Dating in this realm isn't much different than vanilla dating - you choose your mates by how you react physically and mentally to them. And the only way you can know how you react physically is to meet them in real time. Don't invest too much until you do - but i realise that it is a lot of fun to talk to people on the puter. Just try to remember that they aren't real until you see them face to face for coffee. [:)]

lizi -> RE: Becoming emotionally attached (5/8/2013 4:14:24 AM)
I'll third the suggestion of sub frenzy. A lovely period of time when you throw yourself into things with great gusto and seem to toss aside common sense- research it. Many of us have gone through it. It makes me laugh because there are men out there that have reaped the reward of sub frenzy that never deserved it. Keep vanilla things as landmarks. Whatever was acceptable to you in relationships before you found BDSM is still what you should go by, nothing has changed. Make sure this guy truly deserves the adoration you are beaming his way. If it's still online then try to put the brakes on till you meet, and do that as soon as possible and make it for coffee...nothing else. He's being elevated in the throes of you finding something that speaks to you, he may not deserve that. Try to keep a level head and proceed just as you would with the man you meet at a friend's BBQ who wants to go to a movie with you.

ThundersCry54 -> RE: Becoming emotionally attached (5/8/2013 5:02:51 AM)
Sub fever leads to sub frenzy which leads to ooppzzzy... Tops/M`s/D`s...get it as well... It takes what it takes... Your not alone!

Duskypearls -> RE: Becoming emotionally attached (5/8/2013 7:14:25 AM)
"OP - you might try to remember that there is a dirty pair of socks, and underpants attached to the computer person you are talking to." Kiwi, that's hilarious and too true. I nominate this for Sunny Quote of the Day!

chatterbox24 -> RE: Becoming emotionally attached (5/8/2013 7:17:28 AM)
Freaking sub frenzy, makes one delusional and stupid. LOL. Careful, slow down, and wake up a little, not saying your dom will but not uncommon to be taken full of advantage of during it. Try to keep a lid on it, don't be overly agreeable and emotional, or at least don't show it. That's advice from someone who walked on clouds for about a year and danced on rainbows. Its best to keep it in check, no matter how absorbed and lah lah you feel.[:D]

OsideGirl -> RE: Becoming emotionally attached (5/8/2013 8:15:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: new2subaz With being a sub, I find myself becoming emotionally attached to the man I'm conversing with. I am a girl, afterall, so I did expect some level of attachment to develop right off the bat, but I was not expecting THIS level. Is this normal for a sub new to this lifestyle? There are powerful emotions involved with this and it's just so...overwhelming. Is that right right word? I don't know. It's almost like I NEED him and when I don't hear from him after a while, I get upset. Being a normally vanilla independent person, this is odd for me. It is sub frenzy. D/s BDSM tends to break through a lot of the normal things in our lives, cranking out endorphins and seratonin. It gets confused with emotion because...well, it seems like emotion. It's the reason why most relationships in the community don't last beyond three months. After a few months, the tingly genitals wear off and they realize that they don't even like the person they're with. That's why I maintain that you should not submit to anyone that you have not met face to face. You should date, take it slow and get to know that person. Also, understand that there is a whole subset of men that target novices for the very reason that sub frenzy makes them an easy lay that can be dropped later.

Rasciallymisty -> RE: Becoming emotionally attached (5/8/2013 8:21:15 AM)
I second that Dusty. What great advice you have gotten new2subaz, I have nothing new to add. Welcome to the forums and collarme. kar

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