Loss of control (Full Version)

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tazzygirl -> Loss of control (5/8/2013 11:16:42 PM)

I took a look around in past threads and saw many threads about control from the Dominant or the relationship side of the lifestyle. This one is about the submissive/slave side,more from a TPE point of view.

Allow me to preface this by saying this is not a post about anyone in particular. After being here 5 years, we have seen many couples break up, and some bad reactions by those on the kneeling side. Even subs/slaves who have broken up with an off line dominant who come here to post.

And the same advice always seems to follow.... get control of yourself.

That is what I wish to discuss.

More so in a TPE relationship, subs and slaves (subs can be in a TPE relationship to some extent too) often have their emotions controlled for them. It can be through rewards, punishments, or a desire by the sub (from now on, sub will also include slave to save on the typing) to be pleasing to the one who owns them and others the owner may respect.

So, we have a sub in a relationship with a dominant in which that dominant exerts control over the subs emotions. Im not sure there is much to dispute about that.

Suddenly, that relationship is gone. For whatever reason, that control disappears. And, yes, we are all adults and should have a measure of control over ourselves.

Does anyone else consider the effects of that lost control when reading posts about break ups? Should that make a difference?

** I would prefer to keep this thread neutral, meaning no finger pointing, no attacks. If you wish to share how you, either as a dominant or a submissive, handled your own loss, then feel free to do so in a positive light, please. I want this thread to consider the results of the break up without discussing the causes of that break up.



LadyPact -> RE: Loss of control (5/8/2013 11:41:54 PM)

Hi tazzy. How ya doin'?

While I appreciate your point, do we see this displayed in any other area of life? If a man leaves his wife, do we honestly expect him to cradle her until she finds her identity as a single woman again? When a CEO leaves a company, do we expect more from him than settling the business affairs and he sticks around after the two weeks notice?

Even when we release prisoners, which is the closest we can come to the level of authority and control that we are talking about when it comes to TPE, we don't settle them in a half way house or put them under probation forever. At some point, they have to be a free man and be responsible for themselves. The prison system isn't eternally responsible for their actions. They must be that for themselves.



tazzygirl -> RE: Loss of control (5/8/2013 11:58:18 PM)

Hey LP. We are good. Thank you for asking.

I wasnt looking just from the relationship itself. Your point about a husband or wife cradling the ex is a good point. I was looking at it from the community at large.

quote:

Even when we release prisoners, which is the closest we can come to the level of authority and control that we are talking about when it comes to TPE, we don't settle them in a half way house or put them under probation forever.


This is possibly more in line to what I am referring too. Of course not forever. I would have hated to have been coddled that long a few years ago. But that sense of loss was very real for me. The comments of "suck it up" and "get over it" really did nothing for me other than to make me internalize that pain. Numb is a feeling I never want to experience again.

And, yes, eventually even that TPE sub will have to learn to stand on their own two feet. But, how long do we give? Even vanilla friends, I will listen and sympathize with for only so long.

And maybe its just me. But I often read about break ups, typically from the subs, and think... man... I have been there.. I know it hurts.

Isnt there a period of mourning that should be allowed before we storm into a thread and start demanding someone get a grip and back to reality?

Im not demeaning the loss by the dominant at all. They experience their own, I am sure. Having no experience with that side of the kneel, I can only assume it occurs.

But, imagine being that parole, in jail for so long, having every movement controlled by others. Suddenly springing them free and saying "You are on your own, deal with it" seems a tad bit.. cold. There is typically a period of adjustment for them.

Im not seeing much of that period for subs around the boards. And, I do understand that the period often begins long before the "goodbyes" are said. However, sometimes it is just that abrupt. For me, that loss was extremely real (even though I was the one that left) and I still found myself going through the stages of grief.

Couple that with the fact that some have only the on line community to vent too after a break up.

And lets not bring in the CEO's. LOL They have huge benefit packages these days [;)]



LadyPact -> RE: Loss of control (5/9/2013 12:12:14 AM)

Hi tazzy. I enjoy our late night talks. Though, it is later for you than Me. [:)]

I don't think it is quantifiable. Period of time is an integer that we can't specify.

If I were to take a stab at it, I'd say a month. Yeah, we'll make allowances when the pain is fresh. After that, it's just boring and sad. Nobody is healthy being stuck in the past.

My best to J.



tazzygirl -> RE: Loss of control (5/9/2013 12:33:42 AM)

Oh, much later. I didnt even realize how late into you said something! lol

I didnt wish to assume that dominants didnt understand the sense of loss a sub may feel. If I have come across that way, allow me to say that was not my intention.

It just seems, to me, that we tend to forger we tell submissives to give up control to our owners, then we forget that after the collar comes off. Not only does the neck feel so bare, but the soul feels stripped and raw. That can happen not only to a sub who is released, but to one who asks to be released.

And, now, I best get my tush into bed before I feel something else feelings a bit rare and raw [;)]

Our best to both you and MP.

Good night



egern -> RE: Loss of control (5/9/2013 2:02:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

Hey LP. We are good. Thank you for asking.

I wasnt looking just from the relationship itself. Your point about a husband or wife cradling the ex is a good point. I was looking at it from the community at large.

quote:

Even when we release prisoners, which is the closest we can come to the level of authority and control that we are talking about when it comes to TPE, we don't settle them in a half way house or put them under probation forever.


This is possibly more in line to what I am referring too. Of course not forever. I would have hated to have been coddled that long a few years ago. But that sense of loss was very real for me. The comments of "suck it up" and "get over it" really did nothing for me other than to make me internalize that pain. Numb is a feeling I never want to experience again.

And, yes, eventually even that TPE sub will have to learn to stand on their own two feet. But, how long do we give? Even vanilla friends, I will listen and sympathize with for only so long.

And maybe its just me. But I often read about break ups, typically from the subs, and think... man... I have been there.. I know it hurts.

Isnt there a period of mourning that should be allowed before we storm into a thread and start demanding someone get a grip and back to reality?

Im not demeaning the loss by the dominant at all. They experience their own, I am sure. Having no experience with that side of the kneel, I can only assume it occurs.

But, imagine being that parole, in jail for so long, having every movement controlled by others. Suddenly springing them free and saying "You are on your own, deal with it" seems a tad bit.. cold. There is typically a period of adjustment for them.

Im not seeing much of that period for subs around the boards. And, I do understand that the period often begins long before the "goodbyes" are said. However, sometimes it is just that abrupt. For me, that loss was extremely real (even though I was the one that left) and I still found myself going through the stages of grief.

Couple that with the fact that some have only the on line community to vent too after a break up.

And lets not bring in the CEO's. LOL They have huge benefit packages these days [;)]



The grief after loosing a relationship is a very, very real thing, just as real as loosing someone who dies. I believe every loss has its own time for grief, and you cannot really shorten it, whether you want to or not.

I think the reason so many people are so quick to go 'pull yourself together' may be that they don't know what to advice since they cannot help with the grief, and so they grasp that cliche thinking it better than nothing.

Often people feel helpless in the face of the grief of others, or the grief is hard for them to see, and they really try to protect themselves from it.

I myself find such situations difficult to help with, all I can do is listen, because the only way I know myself is to let it run its course. I see it the way that when we allow ourselves to feel the pain of grief, what we feel is the pain leaving us,and every time there is less of it, even if it does not feel like that. It hurts like hell to let it go, but there is no other way and no other way for others than to give people space for their grief.

As for having had actions and feelings controlled, I am not sure you can control the feelings of another person that much, but I do see your point, and it might be good for such subs to have someone take some care of them for a while. Like the half-way houses of released convicts. I gather that is hard to arrange, it might take a closely knit bdsm community.




theshytype -> RE: Loss of control (5/9/2013 6:59:46 AM)

I like the comparison of a prisoner. While I've never experienced it myself, from what I have heard and read prisoners can become institutionalized and suffer from certain disorders that could lead them right back to prison. Programs have been put in place to help them cope, from therapy to job placement and training. It's treated almost like an addiction.

While I agree that these are adults and do need to move on, I see nothing wrong with providing a shoulder to cry on. I think a relationship could very well be like an addiction and if the sub was not ready, prepared, or aware that it was going to end its even more difficult. I'm a smoker. I'm trying to quit. If I had not been ready, the task of quiting would have been near impossible.

Like LP said, it's difficult to quantify. Everyone is different and some get over the mourning period a lot quicker (I usually do).
It only annoys me when it seems they're doing nothing themselves to cope and/or letting it drag on for months. Back to my smoking, I have found a lot of helpful people here and around me. I'm sure those people would be less likely to offer their support if I continued to smoke, did not seek tools to help me quit, and continued to complain that it was too difficult.



theRose4U -> RE: Loss of control (5/9/2013 7:08:41 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: egern

The grief after loosing a relationship is a very, very real thing, just as real as loosing someone who dies. I believe every loss has its own time for grief, and you cannot really shorten it, whether you want to or not.

I think the reason so many people are so quick to go 'pull yourself together' may be that they don't know what to advice since they cannot help with the grief, and so they grasp that cliche thinking it better than nothing.

Often people feel helpless in the face of the grief of others, or the grief is hard for them to see, and they really try to protect themselves from it.

I myself find such situations difficult to help with, all I can do is listen, because the only way I know myself is to let it run its course. I see it the way that when we allow ourselves to feel the pain of grief, what we feel is the pain leaving us,and every time there is less of it, even if it does not feel like that. It hurts like hell to let it go, but there is no other way and no other way for others than to give people space for their grief.

As for having had actions and feelings controlled, I am not sure you can control the feelings of another person that much, but I do see your point, and it might be good for such subs to have someone take some care of them for a while. Like the half-way houses of released convicts. I gather that is hard to arrange, it might take a closely knit bdsm community.


I would strongly disagree with the bolded part. I'm not one that believes healing comes from long drawn out he said/she did hashing of the entire relationship of people I haven't ,& probably never will, meet. Yes I have more sympathy for the TPE slave of years that comes home to "out of the blue" you don't live here any more than I do the over the top super dramatic we "broke up after a week of online only because he was training me".
Its not that the grief of both aren't genuine in their own world, its that there are limits to suggestions available for people you flat don't have intimate details about...catch is I don't need or want that kind of info if the relationship is already dead. Fact is there is only so much CPR that can be done for a relationship on the autopsey table.
"He promised","she did", "but I thought" only serve to wollow farther down the muddy hole of self pity. If someone is unwilling to come out of the mud when others point where the exit steps are, far be it for me to stop them...but I'm also not going to stand around forever with a warm towel of support either.



MissImmortalPain -> RE: Loss of control (5/9/2013 7:37:11 AM)

"Does anyone else consider the effects of that lost control when reading posts about break ups?" I do consider it but it won't gain anyone my pity. The reason I say this it pretty simple from my point of view. When the livein of 6 years, 15 that I have known him, left it destroyed me on a level that I have no other way of explaining but to say that my heart was truely broken. I did some things in my real life that would have looked to an outsider like I had no control of my life....but...I did not bring my issues to these forums (or any other forums) I did a couple of times watch said sub come here and attempt to poke at me to see if he could get a reaction. Each time I refused to allow myself to drag my drama into you folks lives. Yes, breakups are hard, having your heart ripped out of your chest and stomped on (so to speak) is hard, life is hard, but it is not a reason to seek out pity. I had to deal with my issues and it was a very hard thing to do. He has to deal with his issues and I still wish him luck doing that. But really seeking pity on the net is like argueing on the net. Is there really any point to it?

I also have to add, from the dom side of things, that it seems wrong to me that we are expected to feel pity for a sub in emotional pain when we don't seem to feel it for dom/mes. When dom/mes come to the forums to talk about a breakup they are often told to stop bitching, to grow up, to move on. We also often tell subs that "real" dom/mes don't want broken people that can't do anything for themselves. That we want strong people with a will, and mind, of their own. Why should this be any different?



LafayetteLady -> RE: Loss of control (5/9/2013 7:40:20 AM)

Sort of a fast reply

Like theshytype, I don't think we can really control someone else's emotions, and I don't think it is healthy to try to do so. This excludes attempting to help someone be less sensitive, angry, etc. The extremes that are out of balance with the situations.

I'm with LP on the concept of where else does this happen.

theshytype, the "help" ex-cons get is far from similar to addiction treatment. Parole and probation are not the same, but for the sake of this we will consider them so. When released on parole, the ex-con knows what the expectations of him are. He isn't paroled unless he has somewhere to live, so that is taken care of, and depending, it may be a halfway house, but often just home to family. They are given "x" amount of time to find a job, and the "assistance" they get varies. These are the two major things. If a prisoner is having trouble on the "outside," he might get a parole officer who directs him to a support group, but more frequently, will be told to deal with it on their own.

I've been here a while and seen some train wreck break ups and some sobbing (virtually) s-types. Even some dominants that have been a bit of the gloom and doom type on a break up.

These are adults. I'm all for them starting a thread talking about how lost they feel and asking for support. We've all seen many of those threads, haven't we? Rarely do we jump down the poster's throat telling them to "man up." People have offered support and suggestions on what they did to grieve and move on.

HOWEVER, what are people here are NOT going to be "supportive" of (that I've seen)?

Posters who knock down every suggestion given to them (the ice cream, volunteering, etc.) with some excuse on why they can't. Are they really ignorant enough not to get the general idea of what people are saying? Very few of us here have much patience for stupid.

Posters who vacillate between the "what an asshole he/she was," and "but he/she was my everything." Make up your damned mind already.

Posters who come in crying about a break up every other week. Get some therapy already, you have a problem maintaining a relationship and are a drama llama and attention whore.

Making every thread you post to about your break up. It isn't all about you, so pay attention.

It can be difficult when people with prominence here break up. Whether that prominence is good or bad (yea, there are some assholes that are regular posters as well), the emotions the two are feeling can overflow to the boards. That isn't good.

I do consider how someone might be feeling after a break up when reading their posts. If I know the person, I might speak with them privately about it. If I don't know the person, I will ignore the posts as best I can, thinking to myself, "geez, pull yourself together!" after a while.

So from my perspective, by all means start your break up thread where you can turn for support about how you are feeling. However, if you can't control what you are posting elsewhere, then don't post.

ETA: (because people posted while I wrote damnit!)

Personally, I have zero patience for those who are devastated and crippled after a break up that was very short (as in a month or less), online, or the devastation goes on about how it is harder because of the BDSM.



Missokyst -> RE: Loss of control (5/9/2013 8:40:06 AM)

Regardless of how much one has become dependant on their partner, pain happens during breakups. For some of them the pain has been ongoing so that when the end comes it may seem they have a shorter period of adjustment. Here, I have observed the reaction to a breakup is usually *hugs*... then comment. Some people can be a bit more harsh particularly when the relationship was short.

I think it is natual to weep and feel loss when things end, no matter what the relationship. When I first had a devastating breakup I cried for a solid month, literally. I woke up with a wet pillow. Tears snaked down my cheeks even when I wasn't thinking of anything. My eyes were watery at work, at lunch, dinner, and even when I showered. But, when the pain was that fresh I chose not to talk to anyone about it. I went to work, came home, slept when I could and did the cycle again and again. I needed time for the wound to be hardened a bit so when I did talk about him I wouldnt dissolve again. Historically, people used to go through a period of mourning in a similar way. I think of it as a way to reset.

But now we live in a minute by minute online connection. People are venting when things are fresh. They are re-opening wounds that are too fresh to scab over. Instead of taking time to recoup they are howling at anyone who will listen. The problem with that is people don't have a way to comfort that person. They have no connection. There are only so many "*hugs*" you can give someone before people will rebel and tell that person to buck up.




Rawni -> RE: Loss of control (5/9/2013 8:45:06 AM)

Even in a relationship that isn’t TPE and could even be vanilla, I do believe that some things need to be considered during a break up. There are many variables in any relationship or situation and as much attention as I gave to bringing the relationship together, I tend to provide in the breaking up of one. Where do we live, how do we live, what are the financial arrangements, what personal belongings do we bring in or take out, who might be vulnerable, how to best meet the needs of each person. I don’t consider a relationship finished until these things and maybe others, are resolved. Any harm, I do hope to be able to minimize if it is possible.

There have been times when I could not give these or other considerations, but it wasn’t for the lack of trying. I like things clean and tidy if they can be.

I have gone so far as to try or make provisions for someone that I cannot deal with, so that there are support systems in place. Such as when I am involved, knowing I won’t live forever, I want my partner to have support systems in place, in case I must go. That is part of my care of them and concern over how my life affected their own and knowing the loss may be pretty unbearable for at least a time. Do I expect anyone I am with to stand up and bear it? You bet, but if I can ease the transition in, I will try. I would appreciate the same considerations.

I don’t believe that anyone should leave with less than they came in with on any level and have even paid for services provided to me that I benefited from. After a break up, I have often benefited from or given the benefit of availability in communication in those moments when someone is lost or struggling. It isn’t easy and in some situations cannot be done right away, but I don’t hate the person and want the best for them. Even when huge mistakes or actions have been taken that were clearly wrong, I will try to show some grace. Then there have been some where I said… get the fuck away from me and stay away from me.

Long term relationships or ones where there is dependency on a larger scale, may need more attention or care giving to see that the transition is handled in a way where less damage can be a possibility. As long as a person is trying to move forward I can hang in there longer and even be friends with them. At first someone or even both may be fighting the loss and unable to move on and that is a part of break ups. I try to respect that and deal with it as I consider a break up another aspect of the relationship that will need attention. It may be a pain to be considerate, but I think it is a good thing to be.

With other people’s relationships, that is harder to do. You may know both parties and involving yourself can be complicated. Still some understanding is possible, not always obtainable, but there is a chance a kind word, listening ear, etc. wouldn’t be out of place. Understanding their pain is a given, but being able to assist in it, may not be. The last major relationship I assisted in resulted in a number of months of late or all night talks to help her understand what just happened to her and her life. I didn’t have to coddle her, but being a friend to her, helping her, making her laugh during it all, resulted in a better foundation for her and she was worth the time and any suffering I had in assisting her. I would rather it come from me than someone that might use the pain to gain something and support is needed in major break ups. I don’t care who you are. You can manage without maybe, but most would like a kind person hanging with them through it all.

When people used to come into the shelter, we had all sorts of relationships and most included dependency. It could take months to get someone through the worst part of things. I am talking real hand holding, but it was worth it, when they started inching towards self dependency and blooming.

I’ve been lost before. I am a strong person, independent and resourceful and still have been flat on my ass so to speak, emotionally and in need of a week of tears, a week of wobble and trying to move on, even if I fall down and go in reverse at times and the process takes months. I would hope that someone could be there for me and that I wouldn’t complicate their life by not moving on or dealing with things! Someone that just isn’t dealing may need more help than a friend with an ear and a hug. Still, compassion is good, grace even better and an assist is a huge gift.



tazzygirl -> RE: Loss of control (5/9/2013 8:48:43 AM)

quote:

I did some things in my real life that would have looked to an outsider like I had no control of my life....but...I did not bring my issues to these forums (or any other forums) I did a couple of times watch said sub come here and attempt to poke at me to see if he could get a reaction. Each time I refused to allow myself to drag my drama into you folks lives. Yes, breakups are hard, having your heart ripped out of your chest and stomped on (so to speak) is hard, life is hard, but it is not a reason to seek out pity. I had to deal with my issues and it was a very hard thing to do. He has to deal with his issues and I still wish him luck doing that. But really seeking pity on the net is like argueing on the net. Is there really any point to it?


This is sort of the thing I was thinking about. I am making no attempt to demean or belittle the pain of a dominant. I even think I recognized that they do feel that pain and loss as well. I just think they process it differently. Its that difference I think many are losing sight of.

quote:

I also have to add, from the dom side of things, that it seems wrong to me that we are expected to feel pity for a sub in emotional pain when we don't seem to feel it for dom/mes. When dom/mes come to the forums to talk about a breakup they are often told to stop bitching, to grow up, to move on. We also often tell subs that "real" dom/mes don't want broken people that can't do anything for themselves. That we want strong people with a will, and mind, of their own. Why should this be any different?


And subs are often told they have too much baggage. Not sure this is relevant here. This thread was about the subs, specifically.

I will also go out on a limb and point out, in my way of seeing it, that while in a relationship, its not the dominant that loses control to the sub. You still retain control of your emotional status, yes?

Maybe I am wrong, but I know very few subs in a relationship that retain their emotions (perhaps a service only sub might be the exception) on the same level that a dominant might.

Perhaps a great topic for another thread?




tazzygirl -> RE: Loss of control (5/9/2013 8:53:44 AM)

quote:

I myself find such situations difficult to help with, all I can do is listen, because the only way I know myself is to let it run its course. I see it the way that when we allow ourselves to feel the pain of grief, what we feel is the pain leaving us,and every time there is less of it, even if it does not feel like that. It hurts like hell to let it go, but there is no other way and no other way for others than to give people space for their grief.

As for having had actions and feelings controlled, I am not sure you can control the feelings of another person that much, but I do see your point, and it might be good for such subs to have someone take some care of them for a while. Like the half-way houses of released convicts. I gather that is hard to arrange, it might take a closely knit bdsm community.


Post relationship, its been my experience that the sudden loss of control by another leaves one bewildered, grasping at straws, unsure of what to feel. For myself, it takes about a week to find some footing before I can even begin to think about the next step.



tazzygirl -> RE: Loss of control (5/9/2013 8:55:56 AM)

Thank you for stating that so well. [:)]

quote:

It only annoys me when it seems they're doing nothing themselves to cope and/or letting it drag on for months. Back to my smoking, I have found a lot of helpful people here and around me. I'm sure those people would be less likely to offer their support if I continued to smoke, did not seek tools to help me quit, and continued to complain that it was too difficult.


Yes, I agree. The months on end drama is tiresome.



tazzygirl -> RE: Loss of control (5/9/2013 9:06:20 AM)

quote:

Posters who knock down every suggestion given to them (the ice cream, volunteering, etc.) with some excuse on why they can't. Are they really ignorant enough not to get the general idea of what people are saying? Very few of us here have much patience for stupid.


Wow, stupid?

quote:

Posters who vacillate between the "what an asshole he/she was," and "but he/she was my everything." Make up your damned mind already.


Been there, felt that. Sometimes I still do. There is nothing to make up one mind's about on that score.

quote:

Posters who come in crying about a break up every other week. Get some therapy already, you have a problem maintaining a relationship and are a drama llama and attention whore.


Obviously these are not the one's my thread is about. Hard to be vested emotionally in a relationship that lasts only a week. However, there is also the belief that a collar is worn within before its ever placed around the neck. Some relationships can stay hidden from the public for months before any mention is made.

But the every other week type, and yes, I have seen those as well, usually just get a shrug and a "I will pass this one by" thought from me.

quote:

It can be difficult when people with prominence here break up. Whether that prominence is good or bad (yea, there are some assholes that are regular posters as well), the emotions the two are feeling can overflow to the boards. That isn't good.


This was not about anyone in particular. Or, even about anyone of "prominence" on these boards. Please see the OP.

quote:

Personally, I have zero patience for those who are devastated and crippled after a break up that was very short (as in a month or less), online, or the devastation goes on about how it is harder because of the BDSM.


Again, some relationships are slow to build. My last was after years of knowing him (granted, on line only), 4 years of living with him, the last year a long break up period, We both knew it was coming. That didnt make it the pain less for either of us. And, yes, he hurt as well.



LafayetteLady -> RE: Loss of control (5/9/2013 9:11:18 AM)

I think there is a big difference between giving support on a thread, and offering support in person, over the phone or through private chats.

Yes, some people have trouble moving on. That's understandable. However, I don't care to see them whining about it in every single post they make. That's where I lose patience.

And sometimes, a person does need to be smacked upside their head and told to get control of themselves because their failure to be able to move on is inhibiting their life.

I am not sure what you mean by the s-type not retaining their emotions. Someone can't control whether you feel love, hate, sadness, happiness, etc. They may tell you to feel certain things, but it doesn't mean you really do.

Now, having said that, I will admit that s-types' emotions certainly can stem from or be caused by their dominant. An s-type experiencing happiness and satisfaction from serving their dominant can feel lost when there is no one for them to do that for anymore. However, I have always said that no matter how much control you give up, you should always maintain your sense of self-worth independent of making your dominant happy. Not simply because two people can split up, but because their dominant isn't immortal and when that time comes, the s-type will have to be able to take care of themselves. Much like a 50s housewife needed to take care of things after losing a husband to death.

I know very few people who had the kind of relationship my parents had. They were beyond "til death do you part." For my mother, when dad was gone, life as she knew it was over. She never wanted another man during the 12 years she survived him. In the beginning, she didn't sleep and watched far too much HSN (thankfully not buying things). I've no doubt she spent many nights crying as well. But life must go on. She managed our household and in time went back to work, attended and had a lot of involvement with her church, and spent time with friends. What she didn't do was talk to anyone who would listen about her loss. She was an incredible woman.

Someone else I know got divorced and it was, to say the least, acrimonious. That is an understatement really. Her divorce was final in 2010, and it is amazing how she can associate any conversation at all with the shit her ex did. I haven't abandoned her, and I continually offer a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and even my expertise on some of the legal matters. But sometimes I do have to literally scream (as in raising my voice very much) at her to stop talking about it. I've had to tell her that there are times when any talk of her ex and that situation is forbidden. I simply can't listen to it every single time I see her. I'm hoping that with time, I can drag her out of this abyss. But I'm often unsure.

Ok, enough with the rambling. I expect people to act like an adult. Just like with another thread, I don't believe being an s-type relieves you of being responsible for yourself and acting like an adult. I'm not minimizing their grief by any means. But if you are having that much trouble moving on, then get professional help. When others tell you that you are "losing it" listen and try to fix it.



tazzygirl -> RE: Loss of control (5/9/2013 9:13:32 AM)

quote:

But now we live in a minute by minute online connection. People are venting when things are fresh. They are re-opening wounds that are too fresh to scab over. Instead of taking time to recoup they are howling at anyone who will listen. The problem with that is people don't have a way to comfort that person. They have no connection. There are only so many "*hugs*" you can give someone before people will rebel and tell that person to buck up.


I think you are on to something here. I feel that is part of the problem. Its so easy to pop open a window, pour out your heart, and click "Ok". And people react to pain differently. Myself, I tend to look inwards. I listen to sappy music, watch sappy movies, and cry myself to sleep for a while. I also seek out new people. Those who dont ask questions, who dont know I am in pain, who encourage me to laugh once again. I have a bad habit of backing away from old relationships, even friendships, because I know I can lash out and hurt someone.



tazzygirl -> RE: Loss of control (5/9/2013 9:21:48 AM)

Rawni, thank you for sharing all that. In my mind, you go above and beyond the call.

I do realize all that may be beyond some dominant's abilities. And there is nothing wrong with admitting that. Seeking help in other ways comes from the sub as well. Building a strong network of individuals, both dominant and submissive, should be taught to any TPE sub in this lifestyle, even encouraged. Yet many times we see the attempts at alientation from some dominants. And the withdrawal of subs from other relationships to hyperfocus on the dominant.

I wasnt trying to point fingers at any group, nor was my it my intention to say.. bad dom for hurting your sub and leaving them without support.



LafayetteLady -> RE: Loss of control (5/9/2013 9:33:12 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

quote:

Posters who knock down every suggestion given to them (the ice cream, volunteering, etc.) with some excuse on why they can't. Are they really ignorant enough not to get the general idea of what people are saying? Very few of us here have much patience for stupid.


Wow, stupid?



Yea, stupid. There are a lot of people that post stupid shit here. They don't last long. However, perhaps I should have referred to the people I was talking about is the "terminal victim" type. Those that simply want to whine and continue to do so without doing anything to make it better.


quote:

It can be difficult when people with prominence here break up. Whether that prominence is good or bad (yea, there are some assholes that are regular posters as well), the emotions the two are feeling can overflow to the boards. That isn't good.


This was not about anyone in particular. Or, even about anyone of "prominence" on these boards. Please see the OP.



I realize that you were talking about "everyone." But the reality is that we do react differently depending on who the poster is. If it is someone's first post, we are sympathetic (when what they say makes mostly reasonable sense), we provide advice that worked for us (like your sappy music stuff), and we offer our eyes for "listening."

But we don't know these people, we haven't interacted with them for months or sometimes years on the boards.

When the post is in regards to someone that we have interacted with (good or bad) here for a while (and yes, I am thinking about two different "couples") their posting history comes into play. Because we "know" them, we have a different perspective. Perhaps it is that we don't like feeling like we are being put in the middle to "choose sides" in some way. Perhaps it is because the poster's history is one of being a bit of a drama seeking attention whore. But their history with us makes our response different. When those "prominent" people's break ups overflow onto the boards, we are more uncomfortable, but at the same time, we have more knowledge of those people as well.

So my point was that our reactions to the splits is different based on who those people are. As a wild ass example: What would everyone's reaction be to Kevin whining about a break up? I'm betting not real sympathetic, and he could be considered someone who was "prominent" on the boards (in the asshole category). Another example on the other end of prominence (that would be grossly inappropriate, but a good person to use as an example): If Alpha posted about the pain of a breakup, what would our reactions be? Ok, she is a "dominant" (or is as her role as admin), but still, our reactions would be different. Many people like her and would be supportive, offering words of encouragement.

So given the more in depth explanation, do you understand better what I meant?

BTW I happened to click on your profile just to open a new CM window. Like the new pictures.



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