Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

trouble letting go


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> trouble letting go Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
trouble letting go - 5/9/2013 1:01:53 PM   
teachmetomind


Posts: 14
Joined: 5/5/2013
Status: offline 		I found a Daddy i clicked with. But he already has a little girl he sees once a week. Im jealous. He says he understands...im new to this, used to vanilla relationships. My only concern should be pleasing him. Which boy oh boy...i want to. Thoughts?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: trouble letting go - 5/9/2013 1:03:54 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Have you actually met this man face to face in real life?

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to teachmetomind)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: trouble letting go - 5/9/2013 1:04:46 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		I think it's probably in your best interest to find a daddy of your very own to please.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to teachmetomind)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: trouble letting go - 5/9/2013 1:04:52 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Dear Gawd, those are massive titties

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: trouble letting go - 5/9/2013 1:04:58 PM   
teachmetomind


Posts: 14
Joined: 5/5/2013
Status: offline 		No not yet. Still just talking.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: trouble letting go - 5/9/2013 1:06:25 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

Dear Gawd, those are massive titties

Gasps! Oside is showing off her titties somewhere? Kindly point me in that direction please.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: trouble letting go - 5/9/2013 1:06:54 PM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: teachmetomind

My only concern should be pleasing him.


I don't mean to be obtuse but why? You are a human being of course you are going to have concerns for yourself. In this instance you have to make a decision, is the jealousy something you can get over? Is there any thing that you could do to relieve it maybe get to know the other girl? If not is it something you could live with (unlikely) if not then you need to just move on. I don't mean that in a cruel way but he is being upfront about this and therefore it isn't really something that you can ask him to change. There really are plenty more fish in the sea.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to teachmetomind)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: trouble letting go - 5/9/2013 1:07:59 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		You need to figure out if sharing is something that you:
A) can do
B) want to do

Some people either can not share or simply don't want to.

If that is the case for you then find another daddy.

Vanilla relationships have nothing to do with sharing, really.
There are monogamous dominant partners just as there are different varieties of non-monogamous "vanilla" partners.

You can only be true to yourself and trust that the right guy for you is out there.

Edit: capitalisation

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 5/9/2013 1:09:04 PM >

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to teachmetomind)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: trouble letting go - 5/9/2013 1:12:28 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		It's unrealistic to expect yourself to be able to let go and only think of his pleasure when you haven't even met. That's not you failing as a sub, that's your brain protecting you from harm.

Two things: Do you want a poly arrangement? I know that I need a monogamous partner. If you're wired like me, this will never make you happy, and don't put yourself through it. If you do want a poly relationship, I'd advise verifying yourself that the other woman is aware and on board (actually speak to her, even if you never intend to spend time together in the future). And spend lots of time talking to him and figuring where you stand. Who gets him at Christmas and Valentines? Will you all play together? Will you have any other partners? How are you keeping yourselves safe from STDs? Will there be more women in the future?

Second thing is get to know him - people online can pretend to be whoever they like. Don't fall into the trap of thinking everything is different in a BDSM relationship - it's still a relationship, you still get to feel fulfilled, safe and happy even if you're the sub. You get to say 'no thanks' if this guy's relationship goals don't match with yours. You get to say 'I'm not ready to submit yet' and 'I need to get to know you face-to-face before we discuss that'. Think what you would tell a friend in this situation.

Letting go will happen when you've found someone who is a good fit and taken the time to build up trust.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to teachmetomind)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: trouble letting go - 5/9/2013 1:17:01 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		You don't actually "click" with this Daddy if he's into something that you're not. Sit down and figure out what you want, then don't waste time with men that don't have those things. It's not fair to someone who is monogamous to expect them not to be, and vice versa. If you want to be someone's only relationship, then set out to get that instead of fucking around with someone who has other relationships.

Kinky relationships aren't all that different than vanilla ones, things that you aren't ok with don't magically become ok with a dose of kink. Not everyone in kink has multiple partners. It's not always all about the Dominant, your needs have to be met too or what are you getting out of this?

(in reply to teachmetomind)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: trouble letting go - 5/9/2013 1:17:04 PM   
teachmetomind


Posts: 14
Joined: 5/5/2013
Status: offline 		No will not meet. He isnt asking for me to be with her. She is married. So she doesnt sleep over, go out to events with him. He will want that from me. And he has stated though he is very interested in training me, keeping me, owning me...maybe this isnt what im looking for. But i have no experience to base this on. Only know pics with her in them do not turn me on. though i am bi. I feel possesive.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: trouble letting go - 5/9/2013 1:20:48 PM   
Hillwilliam


Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		OP. You're young (at least to me) and cute. In this world, that means you pretty much have your choice. Find someone that you can live with without compromising your values and THEN concentrate on pleasing and submitting to him.
You appear to be new at this. There is a thing we call "sub Frenzy" where a new submissive basically goes gaga, tosses common sense to the wind and devotes herself to the first guy who pays attention to her without thinking about whether or not it is a good match.

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: trouble letting go - 5/9/2013 1:21:09 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: teachmetomind

No will not meet. He isnt asking for me to be with her. She is married. So she doesnt sleep over, go out to events with him. He will want that from me. And he has stated though he is very interested in training me, keeping me, owning me...maybe this isnt what im looking for. But i have no experience to base this on. Only know pics with her in them do not turn me on. though i am bi. I feel possesive.



You have only been here a few days so the 2 of you really do not know each other at all yet.

His expressing that level of interest so soon is a red flag to me.



_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to teachmetomind)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: trouble letting go - 5/9/2013 1:21:53 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: teachmetomind

No not yet. Still just talking.



Never get emotionally invested in someone you haven't met face to face.

Don't engage in D/s with someone you haven't met.

Until you have met face to face in real life, you do not know that person.

You're like a lovesick teenager mooning over someone that you've never met and don't know anything about.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to teachmetomind)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: trouble letting go - 5/9/2013 1:24:16 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		Possessive of someone you're not in a relationship with yet?

He won't meet you? So how are you going to go to events with him?

If she is married, and can't do anything public with him, I'm going to jump to the conclusion that they're having an affair. So this is someone that's okay with cheating. That would, to me, imply dishonesty as a character trait and I would be running in the other direction.

If you don't mind me saying this, you're an attractive submissive female, with a lot of sexual photos. You're going to attract a lot of dominants and a large proportion will be people like this - of course he's interested in owning you and training you - his current fuck-buddy isn't available often. You're also admitting that you're new and clueless and so some people might think this is an opportunity to try to manipulate you into getting him off by pointing out that a sub should think of nothing but pleasing him because he's a dominant.

Ignore the whole dom/sub thing. Would you be happy to date a guy who talked about serious commitment before you'd even met and had a married fuck buddy? If not, pass this guy by.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to teachmetomind)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: trouble letting go - 5/9/2013 1:29:38 PM   
teachmetomind


Posts: 14
Joined: 5/5/2013
Status: offline 		true. This world is new and i am excited. But i wont rush. or get into anything too soon. I just wondered if this was typical. That in these kind of realationships if to truly submit i need to let go of things like jealousy and possesiveness. I dont want to hold on to those feeling if they might be standing in the way of letting myself be a submissive.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: trouble letting go - 5/9/2013 1:32:39 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

You have only been here a few days so the 2 of you really do not know each other at all yet.

His expressing that level of interest so soon is a red flag to me.




Agreed.

OP, if you met a man in a bar 2 days ago and you talked extensively since then, would you find it odd and actually kind of alarming if he was already talking about having you sleep over and go to events with him? If this man you JUST met said he wanted to own/keep/train you...that wouldn't set off your red flag alarm?

Things aren't different in BDSM relationships, keep all the common sense you used while dating in your vanilla relationships and apply them now. If someone jumps over all these major boundaries almost instantly it should be screaming alert to you somewhere. Do you honestly think that being a good Daddy is foremost in this man's mind? Really? I'd say he's out to get a piece of ass.

Set about getting to know men slowly so that you can get a better idea of what they are like and you can better find what you want. As an aside...your nude and sexy pictures are probably not doing you any favors right now as every man who wants to get into your pants will suddenly be everything you always wanted according to them. You're handicapping yourself setting out as a noob, and then putting up big red arrows like your pics that basically say to come get some tits and pussy. Men will take you at your word and tell you whatever they think you want to hear, or try to BS you into saying what you have to do now as a submissive. You've got enough to offer without showing them everything

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: trouble letting go - 5/9/2013 1:36:46 PM   
teachmetomind


Posts: 14
Joined: 5/5/2013
Status: offline 		THese are all questions he answered that i asked. No red flag sitiuation. I ask lots of questions. He has been very open. I just havent liked all the answers. He has told me what he's looking for long term. Not the first time we meet. Think maybe we went offf topic a little.

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: trouble letting go - 5/9/2013 1:37:16 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		I'm bi and open to poly but I always put on my profile that I need to be the alpha female and will not join existing couples. Since she's married to someone else, they don't really qualify as a couple, but I would have still ruled him out.

If you want monogamy, or to be the primary, by all means hold out for it.

To simplify my search, I also insisted on local guys, and lost interest if they were not available to meet within a week or two.

You'll get through your inbox much faster if you implement these policies :)

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to teachmetomind)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: trouble letting go - 5/9/2013 1:39:21 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

If she is married, and can't do anything public with him, I'm going to jump to the conclusion that they're having an affair. So this is someone that's okay with cheating. That would, to me, imply dishonesty as a character trait and I would be running in the other direction


There's that, too. Being involved with a cheater shows a lack of ethics. Not a good trait for a Dom.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> trouble letting go Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.111