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addressing past abuse issues - 6/24/2006 11:01:32 PM

gardenbluebird

Posts: 131
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline

i have a history of sexual abuse in my past. i have gone through the healing process and i have come to the acceptance phase. i have been at acceptance for several years. The only remnants are one trigger phrase, an aversion to age play, and the occasional times of reflection.

My Master is aware of my history and is very respectful of my limits in those areas. Fairly recently Master slipped and said my trigger phrase. (It's a common phrase and normally a term of endearment.) In the past that spoiled the mood for me, but this time i simply noticed it and had the brief throught that "Master wouldn't hurt me" and just went on from there.

This got me to thinking that perhaps there would be value asking Master to gently introduce those sensative areas into our play from time to time. The idea being that with time and trust those areas would no longer be troublesome to me. My aversions don't normally bother me, but i dislike the idea that my past abuse still has a influence (no matter how small) on my thinking.

Is there value in doing this, or should i just leave well enough alone and simply enjoy the happiness that i have now? i would appreciate hearing from others who have dealt with similar issues.

Post #: 1

RE: addressing past abuse issues - 6/24/2006 11:16:26 PM

MistressDREAD

Posts: 2943
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Is there value in doing this

YES. Gaining back what you loss always has value, and completes you.

(in reply to gardenbluebird)

Post #: 2

RE: addressing past abuse issues - 6/24/2006 11:37:53 PM

trippingdaisy

Posts: 113
Joined: 6/3/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline

i'm very happy to hear you're getting better about things like that!

Yes, i feel it's very, very beneficial for those that see it as cathartic. Some won't...some, it will just hurt. But if you're actually thinking it might work, then there's really no reason why you shouldn't try it. Just be sure that you're Master knows that if it triggers something bad, He should stop ASAP. :)

Good luck!

_____________________________

Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.

(in reply to gardenbluebird)

Post #: 3

RE: addressing past abuse issues - 6/25/2006 12:01:28 AM

missgiveNTake

Posts: 673
Joined: 3/22/2006
Status: offline

It seems your Master is very sensitive to your needs. If you feel you are ready to get back what was so cruely taken then talk to Him about it. I think He will be willing to take babysteps with you and you will be on cloud nine for everything you get back. It seems you have great communication going and I wish you luck.

You might want to see if you can rate what is worse for you, so you can start on the easier things first. Or give him a few things at a time to chose from to introduce, so you know what may be comming. I am sure you both will figure out the best way to approach it. Once again Good Luck, I am excited for you to face this big step.

_____________________________

I am a very good girl, very good at all I do.

Highly intelligent with a generous pinch of the absurd! (Thank you Crouchingtigress)

(in reply to trippingdaisy)

Post #: 4

RE: addressing past abuse issues - 6/25/2006 1:32:21 AM

becca333

Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline

If you're ready, and want to try it, it sounds like a good idea - take back your power, and heal some of the damage done.

You're courageous, and it sounds like you have a great Master who can be trusted to do what's best for you. I hope it works out well for you.

(in reply to missgiveNTake)

Post #: 5

RE: addressing past abuse issues - 6/25/2006 4:40:33 AM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

i also have a history of childhood abuse and i think it a great thing to reclaim what was taken from you by such abuse and i also am doing the same thing with a Dom that i play with, very gradually, but still progress none the less.

(in reply to gardenbluebird)

Post #: 6

RE: addressing past abuse issues - 6/25/2006 5:04:47 AM

JessieMe

Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline

It is wonderful when you can move something from trauma to memory. I too have an issue that I am working through regarding a childhood rape. I have come along ways toward moving past it in the real time realm. Might I suggest one thing though since this is something very new you are considering. Make an appt with a kink friendly counsellor and discuss what signs your Master might need to watch for as you work through this process. It may help in not putting yourself in a position to possibly retraumatize yourself which I am sure your Master would definitely not want to do.

Good luck to you <hugs>

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to gardenbluebird)

Post #: 7

RE: addressing past abuse issues - 6/25/2006 6:05:35 AM

CrappyDom

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

It sounds like you both have your heads screwed on tight which is good. Before you play with this stuff on purpose I would talk about an exit plan if things go wrong. Work out a way to bring you back after a scene to a place of emotional safety.

I would also highly highly recomend you two read Consensual Sadomasochism which has some of the very best writing on doing what you are doing as well as dealing with hidden emotional landmines.

Best of luck!

(in reply to JessieMe)

Post #: 8

RE: addressing past abuse issues - 6/25/2006 6:09:22 AM

JessieMe

Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline

CrappyDom,

I have read alot of your posts over the last few days and at the risk of sounding above myself.. I personally think if you keep up with the dispensing of good advice, you really are going to have to look at changing your handle <wink>.

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 9

RE: addressing past abuse issues - 6/25/2006 6:32:14 AM

gardenbluebird

Posts: 131
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline

Thanks. i appreciate the advice. i will talk to Master about it.

(in reply to JessieMe)

Post #: 10

RE: addressing past abuse issues - 6/25/2006 7:11:28 AM

LadyMorgynn

Posts: 800
Joined: 11/25/2005
From: N. Carolina
Status: offline

It looks to me like you have been able to open a door that has been shut for a long time. I think as long as it continues to remain a positive experience, go for it! You might not really want to "push" it, but work on this slowly/gradually. That is really terrific that your Master is so supportive and watches out for you so well :)

_____________________________

---
Lady Morgynn
www.farhorizons.net/LadyMorgynn

(in reply to gardenbluebird)

Post #: 11

RE: addressing past abuse issues - 6/25/2006 9:02:08 AM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

What you're suggesting sounds like amateur psychotherapy to me. I think that before plunging into it yourselves you do some research so you understand EXACTLY what you'll be getting into, how to go about it, and the potential pitfalls. There should be plenty of resources on the WWW that will give you ideas, perhaps even other discussion groups for professionals where you can probably get worthwhile advise; however, you'll probably want to "dekinkify" your question so you don't hit a hot button on some participants that warps their response.

(in reply to gardenbluebird)

Post #: 12

RE: addressing past abuse issues - 6/25/2006 11:48:59 AM

scratchingpost

Posts: 231
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

It is a good idea as long as He keeps you feeling safe and secure and you have an emotional safe word in case things arent going as you hoped. It is beautiful when you can trust somone so much that you desire for them to do this with you/for you/to you.

I wanted My former Master to do that for Me regarding a near rape I had gone throught when I was younger but he didnt have the ability to be emotionally avaiable you are most fortunate to have somone who is there to help you and who is a strong enough guide to do it. Not many are I congratulate and commend you both.

_____________________________

be safe and smile
purrrs kitty
(=^.^=)
www.misskittys-scratchingpost.com

(in reply to happypervert)

Post #: 13

RE: addressing past abuse issues - 6/25/2006 12:40:29 PM

Tashacurly

Posts: 33
Joined: 6/15/2006
Status: offline

I have a history of sexual abuse both as a child and young adult....and honestly, I have the same limits as you. I will not go for age play, nor daddy/girl play, if you understand. Mind you, this doesn't mean to me that I've not dealt with my issues regarding my past abuse, I have....I'd just rather not play within those things.
I mean, I suppose if this seems right for you, you should do it. And by the way...while I agree to a point that your Master should make you feel safe and secure....on the other hand it is YOUR responsibility to make sure you are safe in all areas at all times. You know?
And by the way, my Master and Lord know all about my abusive past, love me and are very understanding and caring. It is good that you *know* your master wouldn't harm you. But it is even better if you know your limits and express them so that you wouldn't *let* him possibly harm you. I hope this came out the right way....good luck with it, glad you are doing so well

(in reply to scratchingpost)

Post #: 14

RE: addressing past abuse issues - 6/25/2006 12:50:03 PM

caitlyn

Posts: 3473
Joined: 12/22/2004
Status: offline

The best advise you can get, is from the person that knows you best. The rest of us can only tell you how we feel.

Myself, I think it best to just stay off it. The past is well named ... better to just leave it there.

Peace, and good luck ... cc

(in reply to gardenbluebird)

Post #: 15

RE: addressing past abuse issues - 6/25/2006 2:17:35 PM

gardenbluebird

Posts: 131
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline

It's interesting to hear both sides of this. i know myself and my Master well enough to know that the worst that could happen is it wouldn't work, play session messed up, and a bad mood for a day. There wouldn't be any lasting damage to me or the relationship. The reward could be that a small limitation would be released. i think my best direction at this point is to talk with Master regarding this. He knows me well and has my bests interests in mind.

(in reply to caitlyn)

Post #: 16

RE: addressing past abuse issues - 6/25/2006 2:22:57 PM

Caretakr

Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline

This is very dicey..and it bothers me to see so many taking a cavalier attitude towards it. Consider both going in, and consulting a competent therapist in the field first.

The blind leading the blind is never a good idea,at least get a flashlight.

(in reply to gardenbluebird)

Post #: 17

RE: addressing past abuse issues - 6/25/2006 10:16:06 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
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I agree w/Caitlyn on this. I haven't got much flat out abuse in my past (maybe a bit of emotional abuse, but not that "heavy"), so my opinion may or may not count for much here, But - I have a terrific fear of heights - I really cannot stomach anything over about 8 feet in the air. I have no idea why, and (key part): Since it's not affecting my life in a negative way on a daily basis, I have no desire and probably no reason to "get over it". If you're happy the way you are, and your Dominant is happy with you this way, well then...But - I will toss in a caveat to this by saying -

I have a friend who was abused in that way by her brother from age 9 all through high school. Her mother and father were both raging alcoholics so they obviously didn't notice (or if they did, care much) that was happening I guess. I have a hard time imagining this went on for over 9 years and it wasn't that big of a house and her parents didn't know what was happening, so I end up thinking they just vacated their responsibility to stop it. It really makes me mad (at them), too. To this day she hasn't sought therapy for it and says it "hasn't affected her life that much". Oh. Maybe that's why she is in recovery for alcoholism, has been married 3 times,(and to really lousy guys), and habitually chooses men who abuse her in some (non-consensual) way as partners.

Plus, nobody in that family really seems to talk much to eachother (except she and her younger sister) or ever sees eachother, even on holidays (no surprise I guess, and probably just as well).

I am not judging her harshly for this (we're friends and I care about her) - I am just about the only person in her life, it seems, who seems able to tell her when a situation she may be in is really not what "everyone else thinks is halfway 'normal' ". I know everyone is different, but still think some behavior qualifies as strange (mostly if it's self-destructive). Maybe she thinks she'll never ever feel better, so she just gave up, or that she "deserves" to feel "bad." I am not sure.

Anyway, she's great: Talented, pretty, creative - she just never seems to believe it. She's won all kinds of prefessional awards (she is a graphic designer), has a Master's degree, works out, looks great, etc. - but inside she still thinks of herself as a little pile of doggie doo, apparently. I do think if she sought therapy, that could maybe change. Not overnight (this stuff can take years, which is why it's important to seek a competent therapist. Most major cities have some kind of "referral network" for that kind of thing (sometimes, it's in the phone book).

I also do some volunteer work with abused "unmentionables" (infants to age 15) and when the parents have been abused and are "passing it on" shall we say, to a new generation, and won't admit it, that's when I really do think somebody needs to get them to seek therapy asap. I am not saying you'd ever do that (no, of course not I am sure you're not I don't even know if you have kids) but am saying that is once instance where I think there is an "exception". I've seen plenty of people who claim they are "over it" who are blatantly not over whatever happened to them and are taking it out on helpless unmentionables. Just letting their kids watch them being physically abused, for example, is really bad news. But that's off the topic, sort of.

Good luck.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 6/25/2006 10:38:25 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to gardenbluebird)

Post #: 18

RE: addressing past abuse issues - 6/26/2006 5:49:25 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gardenbluebird

It's interesting to hear both sides of this. i know myself and my Master well enough to know that the worst that could happen is it wouldn't work, play session messed up, and a bad mood for a day. There wouldn't be any lasting damage to me or the relationship. The reward could be that a small limitation would be released. i think my best direction at this point is to talk with Master regarding this. He knows me well and has my bests interests in mind.

I will point out that the fact that you

a) actually gotten therapy and done serious work to help yourself
b) have clearly discussed this openly and thoroughly with your dom
c) stumbled across this inadvertantly
d) know enough to know that it won't destroy you even if things go wrong

and generally have done all the right things to bring yourself to a point of being able to try this path together. This is extremely rare for people in the scene who have past abuse. They usually just attach the name of "savior" to their dom and then go completely bonkers when it doesn't work out.

So, as an example to others who may be going through this as well- I think you are a perfect one.

But for other out there who might be considering this path- look at the steps that are necessary to really get where you want to go. Make sure you've done your homework.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to gardenbluebird)

Post #: 19

RE: addressing past abuse issues - 6/26/2006 8:12:13 AM

Driver1961

Posts: 459
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

He enters, dips His lid,

My Precious and both previous had similar pasts. Pain is pain and truely subjective to the individual. It is your decision to permit your 'One' to extend you into forced but guided healing.....

Ten minutes of stroking hair and reassuring my Precious in 'deep space' mode (knowing her triggers beforehand) calmly instigated healing that years of prior psycho-analysis had been unable to order. Simply if you know your One and know enough of your own growth with Him, proceed...... Trust with those that assist your healing should never be underestimated.

Caitlyn says it well.""The best advise you can get, is from the person that knows you best. The rest of us can only tell you how we feel.

Myself, I think it best to just stay off it. The past is well named ... better to just leave it there. ""

Congratulations for your healing to date.

_____________________________

Dance as though nobody is watching!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 20

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