Doms Domming Doms...or something like that

Doms Domming Doms...or something like that (Full Version)

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VandalHeart -> Doms Domming Doms...or something like that (6/25/2006 1:03:59 AM)
OK, somebody tell me WTF is going on with this... I have a play partner that I am so close to, it borders on engagement. We are not exclusive by any stretch of the imagination. Just the other day, she invited one of her other play partners over to watch movies with us. I gave them their space, becaue it had beena while since she'd seen him, and he needed to excercise his sadism on her...no big deal. They went in my bathroom and fucked, because I had forbidden use of my bedroom (I thought it was a reasonable caveat...no playing in my room unless I'm part of it...my house, my rules). When they were done, he left, and I sat down on the couch with her and put my arm around her. She said I just scored about 250 respect points by doing that. I didn't understand until she explained that I was curling up around her right after she'd had sex with someone else. I didn't see what the big deal was, but apparently, it was a lack of jealousy thing. Whatevuh... Different scenario. Same play partner. Different Dom. She wanted to set something up, she wanted me to participate, she wanted him to do the setup. I was helping out, trying to help negotiate the details with the two of them in a three way call, no big deal. But the guy is constantly insulting me, telling me what I will and will not do, and it really felt like he was trying to Dominate me. In the wolf world, this is called establishing dominance, I guess, but it just came off as a dick-waving contest to me. It felt as if he needed to dominate the both of us for some odd reason. So, my question is this: Is it actually run of the mill, but rare BDSM when a Dom tries to dominate another Dom, or is it just a chest beating excercise that should not be participated in?

Level -> RE: Doms Domming Doms...or something like that (6/25/2006 2:50:34 AM)
I think the key is that he kept "insulting" you. This makes him a jackass. Some do extend, or try to extend, their dominance over others, even other dominants. Guess it's all in how it's done, but personally, it raises my hackles.

MissDiandSirHugh -> RE: Doms Domming Doms...or something like that (6/25/2006 2:58:33 AM)
In One Way ounds a bit like insecurity on the other Doms part to or way of thinking and feeling as if you were a threat to him in all the plans. Or in another way woundering if he was being cunning and doing it on purpose to not only Piss you off but hope you will just say to him go ahead and just him and the play partner enjoy being together alone.

VandalHeart -> RE: Doms Domming Doms...or something like that (6/25/2006 3:48:24 AM)
Both possibilities crossed my mind, but the problem with that is it was a gang rape scenario, so the having her all to himself issue doesn't quite hold water. I guess I'm just looking for other explanations than my "he's an asshole" theory. Guess there isn't one.

Sab -> RE: Doms Domming Doms...or something like that (6/25/2006 5:19:38 AM)
There isn't! What you do find is that if the scenario arises that one Dom decides to tryto dominate another Dom/me - a swift kick in the bollox happens (verbally, I might add). There are Dom's who try to do this - but, normally, few and far between.

CrappyDom -> RE: Doms Domming Doms...or something like that (6/25/2006 7:19:29 AM)
Some people find their strength in the measure of themselves,others find it by measuring others. Some can only make themselves bigger by tearing others down. That said, there is a difference between insulting you and wanting to control how things are done. Based on the rest of your post I assume he was also insulting you although your wording doesn't quite make it clear if they were two seperate things or if his wanting to control things was what you found insulting. Anyway, submissive women often mistake being an asshole for being dominant so whatever you do, think long and hard about it. If I was in your place and had a play partner who clearly wanted to play with others, I would make sure that you came off looking like the competent non jealous one and he ends up looking like a controlling asshole. Arrange for a meeting before preferably where you are WITH her and he is the outsider, rub it in his face in a subtle way, and see if he looses his cool. If his ego is as shallow as your post makes out, he won't handle himself anywhere near as well as you did in your first paragraph. The trick is to make HER see this without you having to point it out to her.

feastie -> RE: Doms Domming Doms...or something like that (6/25/2006 7:23:46 AM)
If it looks like an asshole, smells like an asshole, sounds like an asshole...

Mercnbeth -> RE: Doms Domming Doms...or something like that (6/25/2006 7:51:40 AM)
quote: guess I'm just looking for other explanations than my "he's an asshole" theory. Guess there isn't one. Vandal, Sure there is! He doesn't have the confidence to pull it off. He insults you to put you in a defensive position, and assume more authority for the contemplated scene. "Assholes" tend to have the same characteristics, hiding weakness behind insults. You should be sure he really has the experience and abilities that he represents. Unless you're contemplating a "cave man" scene complete with a club, another's words can't dominate a dominant unless the dominant submits. Of course the other scenario is that he has ideals on your play partner. Using your wolf analogy, he may be challenging the top dog for his 'bitch'. In that case, it's your confidence that is being challenged.

princess74 -> RE: Doms Domming Doms...or something like that (6/25/2006 8:18:29 AM)
To me it sounds as if he was trying to play top wolf...any guy that needs to do that has an issue with their own ego.If you had the manners set up a play between you all he, in my view should have manners to ackonwledge and respect you.... Maybe he had a conflict inside of himself maybe he had a hidden side of him maybe? a new twict on this maybe he had bi issues Never should anyone try and direct or tell how to arrange a play thats not at their own house, yes suggest but its a two way disccusin,quite frankly he had a pissing in the wind, who can shoot furthest moment with you.Id totally ditch the idea of a play with that dom

hizgeorgiapeach -> RE: Doms Domming Doms...or something like that (6/25/2006 8:37:44 AM)
I'm going to answer the OP from the point of perspective of someone who is only nominally submissive at the best of times..... and who has been called "more dominant than not" by a great number of people. Unless I have openly Agreed to let someone dictate to me, they're nothing but my peer. They aren't a dominant, they are't a "master" or "mistress." They hold utterly no authority at all. (Obviously that last part does Not extend to a situation where I'm in their home - their house, their rules - or they are acting in a Job Related capacity such as a cop or judge. This is strictly on an interpersonal level from one human to another.) I think the popular quote (which is on someone's sig line) is "You may be a master, but you're not MY master." Frankly, I see it as a matter of insecurity... the proverbial chest beating, dick waving, pissing contest. Insecurity on that level isn't a quality that I feel exists in dominants - but I find it's a common quality in the domineering who WISH they were dominant. Remember consent? Remember how important it is to WIITWD? Remember how often we tell folks that if it's not consensual, it has no place in all this, and they don't Have to accept it if they don't consent? Someone attempting to force others to accept them as a dominant.... whether that person is submissive, vanilla, Or Another Dominant.. are foregoing that basic tenant of Consent, and removing themselves from any sort of basic courtesy that we extend to each other as a community. Just as someone who pushes their kinks onto the vanilla public has done the same thing - they've attempted to force people to be involved that never agreed to be involved. It doesn't make them "more dominant" than the next schmuck. It makes them an insecure, juvenile, domineering twit who needs to remove their head from their ass. (sheesh... can we say "Rhi is having a bad day" ? I knew we could.... )

BlouLady -> RE: Doms Domming Doms...or something like that (6/25/2006 11:38:43 AM)
You sound like a really cool person. As for the insulting jackass, it sounds like maybe he felt possibly threatened by you. So IMHO it was " a dick waving contest". Because of your own stablity you have the upper hand. Write him off as an ass with issues. ~ Lady

LadyHugs -> RE: Doms Domming Doms...or something like that (6/25/2006 1:40:19 PM)
Dear VandalHeart, Ladies and Gentlemen; Being a female dominant, I do know how male dominants challenge female dominants with some of the same techniques as applied to you, with exceptions. Most cowardly men use insults, negatives, sneaky behavior, steal and or play with the weakest link to get to the dominant. Usually through the slave. Anybody who has to out shout, be overly domineering, disrespectful and poke and trigger your buttons are looking for weakness in you. Not saying anything or not taking action isn't helpful to make boundaries for dominants to have in dealing with you and yours. Some men feel that they inherited the right to dominate everybody. Only way to stop such, is take your power back and define the rules. Break the rules, they don't return. If you don't have a slave, then cowardly dominants attack the character of the dominant and or anything they can think of. Some men have the mind, that they have inherited rights to dominate all women. Some of these same men also feel they have inherited rights to dominate weaker men. You teach people how to treat you. If you don't want to have mean people around you, don't be mean to counter it. Just don't give them access to you, your relationship and or your home and never give them the opportunity in public spaces either. Respectfully submitted for consideration, Lady Hugs

Caretakr -> RE: Doms Domming Doms...or something like that (6/25/2006 2:18:30 PM)
If another Top had treated me like this-he would have been sent packing at the first negative comment-and never allowed back again. Piss on my shoes,and you are history. As to why he did it? He has probably not encountered enough like me.

MrrPete -> RE: Doms Domming Doms...or something like that (6/25/2006 2:36:46 PM)
princess, It would be really nice if you used a larger type or a diffrent font that isn't so difficult to read. Even with my bifocals at 3" it was still difficult to read. To the OP: The chances of my submitting to a Domme are VERY slim and the probability of submitting to a Dom are exactly 0, nada, none. Since he dissed you from the gitgo tell'm no way jose. Take a long walk off a short pier.

MistressDiane -> RE: Doms Domming Doms...or something like that (6/25/2006 2:59:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VandalHeartbe he; OK, somebody tell me WTF is going on with this... I have a play partner that I am so close to, it borders on engagement. We are not exclusive by any stretch of the imagination. Just the other day, she invited one of her other play partners over to watch movies with us. I gave them their space, becaue it had beena while since she'd seen him, and he needed to excercise his sadism on her...no big deal. They went in my bathroom and fucked, because I had forbidden use of my bedroom (I thought it was a reasonable caveat...no playing in my room unless I'm part of it...my house, my rules). When they were done, he left, and I sat down on the couch with her and put my arm around her. She said I just scored about 250 respect points by doing that. I didn't understand until she explained that I was curling up around her right after she'd had sex with someone else. I didn't see what the big deal was, but apparently, it was a lack of jealousy thing. Whatevuh... Different scenario. Same play partner. Different Dom. She wanted to set something up, she wanted me to participate, she wanted him to do the setup. I was helping out, trying to help negotiate the details with the two of them in a three way call, no big deal. But the guy is constantly insulting me, telling me what I will and will not do, and it really felt like he was trying to Dominate me. In the wolf world, this is called establishing dominance, I guess, but it just came off as a dick-waving contest to me. It felt as if he needed to dominate the both of us for some odd reason. So, my question is this: Is it actually run of the mill, but rare BDSM when a Dom tries to dominate another Dom, or is it just a chest beating excercise that should not be participated in? Ok Devils Advocate....could it be possible he doesn't understand that you're a Dominant and a VERY important part of the equation and have no desire to be on the other end of the rope? Maybe he's thinking you're sub as well. I'd make sure he realizes the situation as it is before getting too upset, it may be just a miscommunication. If not, that's another story and he's just being an asshole and I wouldn't allow him in my home or near my girl.

hizgeorgiapeach -> RE: Doms Domming Doms...or something like that (6/25/2006 5:58:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressDiane Ok Devils Advocate....could it be possible he doesn't understand that you're a Dominant and a VERY important part of the equation and have no desire to be on the other end of the rope? Maybe he's thinking you're sub as well. And just what the hell difference does it make if the guy DOES wrongly assume that Vandal is "also sub"? Simply because someone self identifies as a submissive does NOT give someone who identifies as a dominant any sort of friggin RIGHTS for cryin out loud. It does NOT entitle someone to treat another person with a lack of courtesy, it does NOT entitle someone to start issuing orders. Far to often people make the assumption that if they call themselves a dominant, it means they have some sort of inherant right to treat others as lesser beings - regardless of whether that person has entered a relationship with them or not. Remember the cliche about Assuming things - you make an ass out of yourself when you do so. (You being Generic here, so don't any of yall go gettin yer panties in a wad over it.) Time for those who mistakenly think that being "dominant" gives them privilages in life to learn - you gain no privilages, no extra 'respect', no Extra courtesy, and no authority - except from someone who Agrees to submit to you. mutters and loads her shotgun ... yep, it's definately one of Those days

TolerableCruelty -> RE: Doms Domming Doms...or something like that (6/25/2006 6:01:49 PM)
Since it was a three way call... I'm curious as to how the "borderline fiancee" play partner took all these insults towards You ? Was she ok with it and laugh it off... does she still want to play with this guy, or was she put off by him as well... when it was obvious he was being an asshole? If it were Me... I'd say no-go... not with My girl, not in My home or anywhere else... If he wanted a pissing contest, he'd have to do from far far away and with someone else. T.R.

Evanesce -> RE: Doms Domming Doms...or something like that (6/25/2006 6:47:17 PM)
quote: Different scenario. Same play partner. Different Dom. She wanted to set something up, she wanted me to participate, she wanted him to do the setup. I was helping out, trying to help negotiate the details with the two of them in a three way call, no big deal. But the guy is constantly insulting me, telling me what I will and will not do, and it really felt like he was trying to Dominate me. In the wolf world, this is called establishing dominance, I guess, but it just came off as a dick-waving contest to me. It felt as if he needed to dominate the both of us for some odd reason. It definitely sounds to me like this guy was testing the waters to see how far he could push you. He's looking for weaknesses he might be able to exploit later. The best response to someone like this is usually not to give any visible indication that he has gotten to you, and to calmly, but firmly, assert your authority in the situation. From what you said here, the two of you should have been on equal footing. He's trying to get the upper hand. It's up to you whether you want him to have it.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Doms Domming Doms...or something like that (6/25/2006 9:38:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VandalHeart So, my question is this: Is it actually run of the mill, but rare BDSM when a Dom tries to dominate another Dom, or is it just a chest beating excercise that should not be participated in? It's more common than it should be. Co-topping can be awesome when everyone gets along, and a nightmare when they don't. Guess you found someone who "doesn't play well with others." Oh well, just no more play together in the future.

KnightofMists -> RE: Doms Domming Doms...or something like that (6/26/2006 7:47:17 AM)
personally, I wouldn't involve myself in the play with him. I would simply state to your girl that you will not involve yourself in a play with someone you don't respect. Tell her go have fun if she wants... but you have better things to do that be around a boar. As said before .. there are those build themselves up from within themselves.. and their are those that build themselves up at the expense of others. Which type of person do you want to be and which type of person do you want to be around?

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