How can one become a better submissive?

How can one become a better submissive? (Full Version)

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Charles6682 -> How can one become a better submissive? (5/16/2013 9:52:38 PM)
Now that I am happily collared,I am trying to find ways to be a better and effective slave for her.I have known her for over 3 years now,so I do have a general idea what she expects.I actually was her slave many years ago but then she moved.We remained friends and she finally moved back to Florida.It took me awhile to ask if I could be her slave again and when I did,she accepted. I do take this serious.I do care about my Domme.Since I've been collared this time around,I have taken this much more serious.I'll be the first to admit that I wasn't the best slave for her before like I could have been.This was years ago and I hope I have matured a lot since then.I don't want to lose her as my Domme again.I am willing to do whatever it take to make this work and so far,so good. I have seen subs in the past with similar questions.I do know the finals answers always rest with my Domme.If I have something to talk to her about,I have no problem talking to her about it.What I am asking is what it is that Dommes in general expect from their submissives/slave?Beyond submitting and doing as told.Thats pretty clear.What other things do Dommes like?Thank you.

lostnlooking9 -> RE: How can one become a better submissive? (5/16/2013 10:53:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Charles6682 I have seen subs in the past with similar questions.I do know the finals answers always rest with my Domme. I'm sorry to say that this is the only answer. EVERY Domme is unique, including yours. Anything I, or anyone, might say or encourage you to do may be wrong for and with her. Honestly just ask her what she wants and expects. What she needs and desires and you will have the answer that you need without wasting time on things she may have no care with.

LadyPact -> RE: How can one become a better submissive? (5/17/2013 12:24:27 AM)
The best that I can do is give you some opinions from My perspective. Maybe they will give you some things to think about or even topics to bring up with your Domme. 1. First and foremost, be a good human being. Don't lie, don't cheat, don't steal, don't be an unproductive member of society, don't be untrustworthy..... No, I probably don't have to tell you that but consider for a moment how many people list some of those very reasons for why their last dynamic ended. 2. Learn how to have healthy relationships. This goes for everything from being dedicated to healthy communication to avoiding things like emotional blackmail and manipulative tactics. Start looking at the other relationships that you have in your life. Friends, family, co-workers, etc. Take a deep look and examine how healthy they are and if they aren't, do you have a role to play in that? Work on any areas that might need improvement. 3. Don't be A submissive. Be HER submissive. Fit your submission to her personally. If she likes leather toys and outfits, learn about leather care. If she likes baseball, be willing to talk to her about it or learn about the sport. Ask her how she would best appreciate your submission/service and do those things. Here's the other side of this. Don't serve her ( [8\|] ) by taking away the things that she likes to do. If she likes to do her own gardening, don't decide you're "helping" her by doing it for her. Then, you are taking joy out of her life, rather than bringing joy into it. 4. Remember that her world is not entirely about you. Your submission should be a positive thing in her life, but not the only thing. She has friends, family, hobbies, personal time that she just wants quiet, etc. This is the difference between submission and smothering. 5. Keep the reverse as well. Have hobbies, interests, and friends of your own. This makes you a more well rounded human being and therefore, a greater benefit to her. Have you ever noticed how many threads we have where women say they don't want to have to carry the whole conversation? This is a part of that. Be interesting! Have things to contribute when you are talking. There's more to the list, of course. Maybe that will be a starting point.

lionbaby -> RE: How can one become a better submissive? (5/17/2013 12:29:23 AM)
The best way to become a better submissive? Find a dominant who is true to you; who moves, thrills, inspires and overwhelms you. One who is loyal and dependable. Who knows what he's doing. You'll be a better submissive pretty much on the first meeting.

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: How can one become a better submissive? (5/17/2013 1:43:36 AM)
I'm happy to read that you have found someone, and are working on making it a great relationship. How to be a good submissive? Be a good human being, be a gentleman, listen intently to her, share what you can/what she demands of you. I also believe it's important to have some friends/hobbies you can go to, especially when she needs down/quiet time. Ask her what she wishes for you both, what she desires from you, and I believe you will do just fine. M

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: How can one become a better submissive? (5/17/2013 2:24:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact The best that I can do is give you some opinions from My perspective. Maybe they will give you some things to think about or even topics to bring up with your Domme. 1. First and foremost, be a good human being. Don't lie, don't cheat, don't steal, don't be an unproductive member of society, don't be untrustworthy..... No, I probably don't have to tell you that but consider for a moment how many people list some of those very reasons for why their last dynamic ended. 2. Learn how to have healthy relationships. This goes for everything from being dedicated to healthy communication to avoiding things like emotional blackmail and manipulative tactics. Start looking at the other relationships that you have in your life. Friends, family, co-workers, etc. Take a deep look and examine how healthy they are and if they aren't, do you have a role to play in that? Work on any areas that might need improvement. 3. Don't be A submissive. Be HER submissive. Fit your submission to her personally. If she likes leather toys and outfits, learn about leather care. If she likes baseball, be willing to talk to her about it or learn about the sport. Ask her how she would best appreciate your submission/service and do those things. Here's the other side of this. Don't serve her ( [8\|] ) by taking away the things that she likes to do. If she likes to do her own gardening, don't decide you're "helping" her by doing it for her. Then, you are taking joy out of her life, rather than bringing joy into it. 4. Remember that her world is not entirely about you. Your submission should be a positive thing in her life, but not the only thing. She has friends, family, hobbies, personal time that she just wants quiet, etc. This is the difference between submission and smothering. 5. Keep the reverse as well. Have hobbies, interests, and friends of your own. This makes you a more well rounded human being and therefore, a greater benefit to her. Have you ever noticed how many threads we have where women say they don't want to have to carry the whole conversation? This is a part of that. Be interesting! Have things to contribute when you are talking. There's more to the list, of course. Maybe that will be a starting point. Lady Pact said it all much more eloquently that I could have. I was about to say almost exactly this, except it probably would've taken me twice the words.

Born2PleezeU -> RE: How can one become a better submissive? (5/17/2013 6:11:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact The best that I can do is give you some opinions from My perspective. Maybe they will give you some things to think about or even topics to bring up with your Domme. 1. First and foremost, be a good human being. Don't lie, don't cheat, don't steal, don't be an unproductive member of society, don't be untrustworthy..... No, I probably don't have to tell you that but consider for a moment how many people list some of those very reasons for why their last dynamic ended. 2. Learn how to have healthy relationships. This goes for everything from being dedicated to healthy communication to avoiding things like emotional blackmail and manipulative tactics. Start looking at the other relationships that you have in your life. Friends, family, co-workers, etc. Take a deep look and examine how healthy they are and if they aren't, do you have a role to play in that? Work on any areas that might need improvement. 3. Don't be A submissive. Be HER submissive. Fit your submission to her personally. If she likes leather toys and outfits, learn about leather care. If she likes baseball, be willing to talk to her about it or learn about the sport. Ask her how she would best appreciate your submission/service and do those things. Here's the other side of this. Don't serve her ( [8\|] ) by taking away the things that she likes to do. If she likes to do her own gardening, don't decide you're "helping" her by doing it for her. Then, you are taking joy out of her life, rather than bringing joy into it. 4. Remember that her world is not entirely about you. Your submission should be a positive thing in her life, but not the only thing. She has friends, family, hobbies, personal time that she just wants quiet, etc. This is the difference between submission and smothering. 5. Keep the reverse as well. Have hobbies, interests, and friends of your own. This makes you a more well rounded human being and therefore, a greater benefit to her. Have you ever noticed how many threads we have where women say they don't want to have to carry the whole conversation? This is a part of that. Be interesting! Have things to contribute when you are talking. There's more to the list, of course. Maybe that will be a starting point. Thank you for sharing this, LadyPact. These are all great pointers, but #4 especially is something I need to be always mindful of. I need to imprint this on my brain, lol.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: How can one become a better submissive? (5/17/2013 6:39:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Born2PleezeU quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact 4. Remember that her world is not entirely about you. Your submission should be a positive thing in her life, but not the only thing. She has friends, family, hobbies, personal time that she just wants quiet, etc. This is the difference between submission and smothering. Thank you for sharing this, LadyPact. These are all great pointers, but #4 especially is something I need to be always mindful of. I need to imprint this on my brain, lol. Cropped for brevity When we first started out, it took me a long time to realise that sometimes I needed to submit by doing less than I normally would. I believed I should be super-sub and he should live in a magical realm of wonderful things at all times. It took me a while (and a lot of unnecessary stress) to understand that no matter how wonderfully attentive I was, if what he really wanted was a couple of hours alone then I wasn't actually submitting. On a slightly related note, I also had to learn that more elaborate meals, cleaner picture frames and more action-packed weekends did not equal 'better' submission. I spent too much time serving my own ideas of how perfect I needed to be and not enough time actually paying attention to what he actually needed. And ultimately I also failed to meet my own unrealistic expectations a lot of time, so I tortured myself with entirely un-needed guilt. This is why I always tell people who ask for advice to forget about any ideas of how these relationships are supposed to look and understand that if you're both happy, you're doing it right.

Born2PleezeU -> RE: How can one become a better submissive? (5/17/2013 10:15:10 AM)
Great advice, Athena. I can truly relate to what you say. Thank you for sharing.

bighappygoth39 -> RE: How can one become a better submissive? (5/17/2013 12:54:27 PM)
Basically, everything LadyPact said, but I'd also like to add that in general, one of the main things that's important in any relationship is commitment from both sides, and never make her feel as if she's the one doing all of the work in the relationship. Follow all of that and you'll do well. Good luck. [:)]

Charles6682 -> RE: How can one become a better submissive? (5/17/2013 2:14:10 PM)
Thank you everybody for your advice.LadyPact,especially thank you for that list.I think that is a wonderful place to start.I do respect your opinions,LadyPact.In fact,it was something you said awhile ago that got my "wheels turning" about asking Her to be my Domme.The everything else has fallen into place well,since.I am trying to mostly sit back and read the advice here.But I did want to thank you for your advice,LadyPact.

Arturas -> RE: How can one become a better submissive? (5/17/2013 2:23:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lionbaby The best way to become a better submissive? Find a dominant who is true to you; who moves, thrills, inspires and overwhelms you. One who is loyal and dependable. Who knows what he's doing. You'll be a better submissive pretty much on the first meeting. So you say the submissive derives that "better" nature by being inspired? So if the Dom is great then the submissive is great? That sounds alot like "be the man and she will be the woman".

Charles6682 -> RE: How can one become a better submissive? (5/17/2013 5:00:35 PM)
Also,thank you Athena for your help with my profile.Collarme/Collarchat really is full of descent,intelligent people who I think do care.The fact that people with a good amount of experience in this lifestyle are willing to share their experience,I think says a lot.

littlewonder -> RE: How can one become a better submissive? (5/17/2013 8:10:45 PM)
What did you do in past relationships? When you dated, what did you do for the women to make them smile? If you have ever lived with a woman, did you do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc...? Believe me, most women like that. Do you do things for other people because they need the help, not because it's for you? Do you do volunteer work? It's the same thing. It's no different than being in any kind of relationship with someone you care about. You get to know them inside and out and intimately. You learn about them and everything they like, dislike, what makes them sing, etc...and you do everything you can to make that happen. There are no rules. I don't "try" to be submissive to Master, I just am. I do things for him because it makes me happy to see him smile and hear his joys.

LadyPact -> RE: How can one become a better submissive? (5/17/2013 8:59:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Charles6682 Thank you everybody for your advice.LadyPact,especially thank you for that list.I think that is a wonderful place to start.I do respect your opinions,LadyPact.In fact,it was something you said awhile ago that got my "wheels turning" about asking Her to be my Domme.The everything else has fallen into place well,since.I am trying to mostly sit back and read the advice here.But I did want to thank you for your advice,LadyPact. You are quite welcome and thank you for the compliment. That made Me smile today.

FriendlyMuppet -> RE: How can one become a better submissive? (5/18/2013 7:34:59 AM)
A number of people have talked about it already, so I won't continue to beat the dead horse (not my kink). However, I did want to add a comment because my life has been a series of doing the wrong thing while pursuing exactly this question, when in reality the question could have been so easy to answer if I was just cognizant of the question I was asking in the first place. You see, one of the never-ending pits of despair you can run into is to constantly try to "better yourself" to become a better submissive when you're not actually serving a dominant. I did that after a break-up with a woman I thought was the definition of perfection. I vowed I would do everything possible to never make the mistakes I made that first time around. So I went back to school, I took up massage therapy lessons, I focused on learning topics that I found would be useful and interesting, etc. I basically tried to become a modern day classical philosopher scientist in the style of a Victorian noble, trying to win the heart of a lady he's been courting for years. Except, there was no lady I was courting, so I was doing all of these things in the hopes that when I was done, she would appear and everything would be great. What I discovered was that when I finally found the next dominant who was interested in me, she informed me of exactly what she wanted from me and even instructed me on how to do it. Basically, the education I was lacking was that at some point I needed to stop pushing towards something and just recognize what was in front of me in the first place. The answers were there, not in some far off quest to find something that I kept seeking out. Anyway, just a simple thought on a Saturday morning.

theRose4U -> RE: How can one become a better submissive? (5/22/2013 9:00:43 AM)
Similar thought to ^^^^ In theory you would have had conversations with her leading up to a full collar? What did SHE say was the reason she left you behind? What are HER expectations, needs, desires, hobbies? Super porno sub is all well & good, but even then a script was involved? Yes? Expectations, do this not that, more cow bell whatever. These are the things to ask her...regularly! There isn't a reason to be the over anxious lap dog "was I good? did I do it right? Did I? Did I? Huh huh huh?" But knowing what framework independent operation is allowed is a good thing.

DesFIP -> RE: How can one become a better submissive? (5/24/2013 6:14:27 PM)
The only other thing I can add is to pay attention. If the first thing she does when she gets home from work is get or ask you to get her a glass of cold water, then pour it when you hear her car or when she sits down. If you have trouble remembering small details, keep a little notebook and write them down. Remember which is her favorite glass and wash it if necessary. Does she put the toilet paper end up or end down? Pay attention and adapt to doing it her way {even if she's wrong :)} Life is made up of petty stuff. Make as many of them as possible things she doesn't have to sweat.

Charles6682 -> RE: How can one become a better submissive? (5/24/2013 6:24:15 PM)
One area I know I need improvement on is remembering orders when told the first time.I do have ADD and I can be a scatterbrain.I do take Strattera for it,which has been almost a miracle pill for me but it is still no cure.I still can get distracted,That is where notes and other coping skills can certainly help with that.The new DSM-5 finally realizes that ADD does grow into a Adulthood and that will be very helpful for treatments for ADD.

DesFIP -> RE: How can one become a better submissive? (5/24/2013 6:27:42 PM)
Dry erase boards are very helpful for this too. Write stuff down, and then there's a huge satisfaction in crossing them off. And set multiple alarms on your cell phone.

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