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RE: Motivation - 5/23/2013 6:04:28 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Sell the farm and move someplace where you don't need to work so hard or drive four hours a day in commuting.

Both of you get therapy dealing with your issues plus marriage counseling.

If she refuses to get counseling or see a doctor, get a divorce lawyer. We all have issues in our lives, but there is no excuse in refusing to deal with them and learn how to best cope with them. You can't help someone who won't help themselves.

The farm was your dream, not your kids and you had no right to expect them to give up their dreams for yours. Was it her dream or just yours? Because taking her away from any support system was not a good thing for either of you.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 5/23/2013 6:05:58 PM >

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RE: Motivation - 5/23/2013 6:17:26 PM

ThundersCry54

Posts: 71
Joined: 5/6/2013
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Try winning her hear back..who knows what could/would happen...

The balls really in your....court.

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Post #: 22

RE: Motivation - 5/23/2013 7:42:32 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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I'm going to give you some advice most here will never give you.

I want you to look at this site and buy the book and follow it. Even if you are not Christian, the book and the journal are great ways to learn how to save your marriage. Personally I feel that if you can do this dare you will save your marriage, unless you truly have no desire to do so. If that's the case, just divorce and leave her alone.

http://www.fireproofmymarriage.com/couples.php

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RE: Motivation - 5/23/2013 9:38:48 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kinkypupper

I screwed up by not giving her daily or even weekly canines and paddlings.

How do you think that would have helped things? Was that what the two of you agreed to, or is that just what you think is happening?

quote:

I started being more concerned for her health and well being. It's changed into a marriage of tolerance than a M/s relationship.

Gotta tell you, this is a major part of your marital problems, and your personal issue right here. You screwed up because you cared about her? What planet do you live on where you think that being M/s means you don't care about someone. By the way, if you didn't care about her health and well being, why the hell did you marry her?

quote:

The collar came off due to her asthma. And has not been on since.

Here's a hint for you. The collar is off, she isn't your slave OR your submissive anymore. She is your WIFE. Perhaps when you figure that out, you can start fixing the problem.

quote:

For her there is now a fine line between abuse and punnishment/play.
I am more worried about loosing her if I let loose my sadistic side.

Well, duh. She isn't anything more than your wife anymore, so anything you do that she isn't enjoying IS abuse. Consent left with the collar.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kinkypupper

That's part of the problem.. I do those things. This morning I woke at 0615 knowing she came to bed after midnight.( after I told her to come to bed now.) I let. Her sleep in. I drank reheated coffee I made my own lunch. I let the dog out and fed the horses.

For fuck's sake, are you really not able to make a fresh pot of coffee for yourself? Do you really think that we should take some pity on you because you had to get up and make your own lunch?

quote:

She slept it tell? I just spoke to her. When I left I woke her said I was leaving for work and to put the books in the bookshelf. When I spoke with her 15 min ago there was no comment about the books, she had just came in from working in the greenhouse. So
When I get home if I say something she will say I was in the greenhouse ( which is a priority) or that her finger still hurt or or or.. And the books sit..

If the books being put back on the shelf mean that much to you, put them back yourself. You keep missing the fact that you are no longer in a position to order her to put the books back, come to bed, get up and make you fresh coffee and your lunch.

quote:

If I spank her ass for not obeying the retort will come out that" fine do you feel better and all dommly now" If I slap her face I will get the " I am leaving and suing your ass for abuse" threat... S I walk in bite my tongue....

Again, the collar came off, and there is no more "obeying" required. She is having some mental health issues, and your way of handling it is to spank her or slap her in the face?

Honestly, she SHOULD leave you. You are so confused about what being a dominant or a master is, it isn't even funny. You don't really care about this woman, you just want someone to make you coffee and clean up after you. You not only aren't a "master," you sound like a shitty husband and a sorry excuse for a man.

You have one excuse after another, and yet, when you went into detail, it turns out, that you hold a LOT of responsibility for your situation and it isn't because you didn't apply corporal punishment on a daily basis.

You have two choices now. Either sit down with your WIFE and have a talk as EQUALS about what you BOTH can do to save your marriage, or file for divorce. Whining about having to reheat your coffee makes you look like an asshat, and quite frankly, it seems with everything else you said, you are one.

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RE: Motivation - 5/23/2013 9:43:10 PM

sexyred1

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Joined: 8/9/2007
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Honestly? None of this has anything to do with BDSM.

It sounds like two people who have gotten mentally, physically and emotionally unhealthy together.

You will either find a way to become healthier and more positive together, or alone.

There is no solution other than finding the strength to fix yourself first.

And not every relationship can be saved, you need to face that fact.

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RE: Motivation - 5/24/2013 4:09:45 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
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OP, did she WANT to move to the farm? A place miles away from anything or anyone else? You have effectively isolated her from any other human relationship, and wonder why her relationship with you is toxic.
I have to agree with DesFIPP - perhaps the farm is one of the real issues here.

Farms take a lot of work, and it never stops. It sounds like you need servants, not slaves.

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Post #: 26

RE: Motivation - 5/24/2013 5:53:21 AM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Sell the farm and move someplace where you don't need to work so hard or drive four hours a day in commuting.

Both of you get therapy dealing with your issues plus marriage counseling.

If she refuses to get counseling or see a doctor, get a divorce lawyer. We all have issues in our lives, but there is no excuse in refusing to deal with them and learn how to best cope with them. You can't help someone who won't help themselves.

The farm was your dream, not your kids and you had no right to expect them to give up their dreams for yours. Was it her dream or just yours? Because taking her away from any support system was not a good thing for either of you.

We lived on a farm for 24 years and recently moved to a subdivision. The saying "Hard work never hurt anybody" is not true when you get to the point it takes all your time and all your joy and all your energy. The commute sucked too. You couldn't just run to the store and be back in 15 minutes. There was no time for anything else. If you were sick, to bad, things still had to be done. You cant just not feed the animals. If hay was in the field to bale, you cant wait, if rain is coming in, not to mention the back breaking work of getting it put in the barn. The endless grass mowing, the bad roads in winter that are the last to be plowed. Everything took longer, everything required tons of energy. There was nothing left at the end of the day for play or taking care of yourself, let alone taking care of the relationship. We couldn't do the things at one time we enjoyed, such as fishing and 4 wheeling. The kids felt they ranked second cause the work had to be done. The early 20's and 30's we loved the farm and the challenges, but as we aged, it became to much and our relationship came to a all time low.
Consider moving, we did and we are much happier. We are able to take much better care of ourselves and the work load seems like a cakewalk now.

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RE: Motivation - 5/24/2013 7:42:32 AM

angelikaJ

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Joined: 6/22/2007
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The beatings and canings did not make her your slave.

The collar did not make her your slave.
(btw: if the collar made her asthma worse, you could have replaced it with some sort of other symbolic jewelry.)

Her desire and willingness was what made her your slave.
That comes from head-space and not beatings.

You shouldn't need to beat someone to get their compliance to do what you wish them to do.
It is true that some masochistic partners rely on disobedience to get the pain they want.
That does not seem to be the case here.

It isn't your age, OP, that hobbled you.
Mastery comes from the mind.

You have major issues with manageability within your life.
You seem to be making choices based on faulty input.

Living an isolated existence is not emotionally healthy.
Running a farm is a full time business.
You can't reasonably work full time and run a farm.

I don't know if your wife was always paranoid and distrustful or if it is a hormonal imbalance.
She doesn't trust doctors, have you tried finding a naturopathic practitioner or an allopathic one?
How is her asthma being managed if she doesn't see a doctor? People can die from asthma.

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Post #: 28

RE: Motivation - 5/24/2013 8:34:51 AM

MasterCaneman

Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
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OP, you lost her as a slave long ago. You need to re-align your head as to what's important for your relationship, such as it is. Working 5-9 as farmers do, you don't have the time to work on your relationship, and with your kids not interested in taking it over, you might as well face the facts that it might be time to let that go as well. I agree with the others, your wife (not slave), needs professional help and so do you if you want to remain with her. It's time to look for other avenues for living.

You both need counseling, and like some others have said, if she's not being treated professionally for asthma, it can be fatal. It's an unpleasant existence for sufferers even with treatment. And one more thing I picked up from your description about her 'change'. Have you considered your wife may have suffered a mini-stroke? TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack) can happen to anyone, irregardless of age, and some of the things you described fit that bill. Seriously consider this. My mother recently passed away, and during her last few days, the neurologists informed me she'd been having them for years prior to her death. I sincerely hope for the best for both of you.

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RE: Motivation - 6/1/2013 7:15:35 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
Personally, I think you need to shelve any D/s that you lost due to whatever it was that happened between you. Start worrying about being a man who is worthy of trust and respect.

Heh... yeah... that could work :) For me personally, I find if I worry about being trustworthy and respectable than the whole dominant thing sorts itself out neatly.

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Post #: 30