Motivation

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Kinkypupper -> Motivation (5/23/2013 9:15:12 AM)
First off I have to admit I screwed up about 4 years ago. My life was full of work, and fining us a home etc etc and 2 hour commutes I slacked off. My slave whom I still very much care about is now totally unmotivated. I also made the mistake in falling in love with her. And marrying her. Not that I do not regret it. She and I are getting along in years, I cannot play with her like I once did due to physical concerns, back issues, and such. Electrical play screws up her energies and when we do something she is not enjoying. I do not enjoy it. She is also quitting smoking patches and down to 1 pack or less a week (good for her) and for the last 5 years has been going threw the menopause from hell. Her attitude changes in 5 minutes.so much that I am starting to want to avoid her at all. Either it's due to hormones,or the quit, or my "unMasterlyness" or mentioning key words like my kids, or the need on my part to find an additional slave to help on the farm. Telling her what do do evokes no response, she no longer trusts my judgement, or decisions and everything I attempt to do or have attempted to do has been done wrong. Every other word I say Is lie, I am not trusted. I have no rational explanation for responses or choices. I have no friends I can talk with about it, we have both withdrawn for the community and the few friends she had she has nearly lost as " you can trust no one, everyone is out for themselves, I walk around with a "kick me" sign. And everyone in my past whom I thought were friends were just using me. If she reads this her first response will be" you are telling others about us, you are asking total strangers, and why don't I get a pair if if I am the Master then be one.. I get home after work, I am tired and want to decompress. But in her eyes I am just being lazy and in front of that damn computer (and if you are doing it I can to) ( getting old sucks) Ok, so you have an idea where I am coming from. If I tell her to do things she ignores it or comes up with an excuse ( or three and most of them are actually nearly valid) If I strike out it just escalates to an argument that I end by just walking away rather than hitting her in frustration. If I give her a list, I am micromanaging and its just ignored. If we talk about it, and when we do its always my fault. She then motivates herself and goes to do the dishes. (Which have been sitting for days) the house is getting to be a pigsty, she is told to come to bed and I fog and fall asleep and she comes in hours later, so she gets to bed at midnight, wakes up with breathing issues at 3 is up tell 4 and I really want to wake her at 0630 to get my lunch ready.... Not. Indeed it maybe hormones but she does not trust doctors at all. It may be the smoking quit (I am about to buy her a case, throw out the patches and send her and her asthma to an early grave. ( not my first choice) I am getting more forcefully due to a stroke I had some time ago. We have had sex maybe 5 times in the last 3 years. She is not in mood,and just taking her tosses up a big fight. She has no sexual desires and would rather just not do it at all. Blow jobs which she once did most magnificently have gotten to a grab her hand and jerk me off and grab a towel. I am on testosterone replacement and for the first time in 4 years or more ( the porn movies just have gathered dust) she went to the store for a few hours and I brought up a olds but goody porn and jerked off.. Yup she was standing there, she came back after a hour ,had forgot the card. I did not hide it, she was hurt, but as I told her its been a while. And it's really hard to get excited in bed when she wears undies and a t shirt and gopher first response is " do u have a towel" So , how does one motivate a slave who has no desire for anything? If we had a tv she would just sit there and vegetate, instead she reads alt. news sites for hours and feels that everyday is our last and no one can be trusted. Also everything is a conspiracy. There are weeks where she sees no other human other than myself.

angelikaJ -> RE: Motivation (5/23/2013 9:33:06 AM)
How did you "screw up" 4 years ago. Is that why she no longer trusts you? I am pretty sure that falling in love was not a mistake. One can be in love and still be a Master. I offer this: http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=1240921 :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: A simple question: does she still choose to be your slave? If the answer is No, then she has withdrawn consent and she is no longer your slave. If you want the dynamic to work again, then find a kink-friendly therapist. https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-directory-homepage.html

kalikshama -> RE: Motivation (5/23/2013 10:21:58 AM)
quote: So , how does one motivate a slave who has no desire for anything? At the moment, she is not interested in being your slave, your wife, or even a healthy human being. quote: or the need on my part to find an additional slave to help on the farm. quote: I get home after work, I am tired and want to decompress. But in her eyes I am just being lazy and in front of that damn computer I suggest you push away from the computer and court her. Lose the delusion that you need a slave to help on the farm. Find other ways to decompress, like going to the gym or working on the farm. You sound depressed and exercise helps with that. I know it's tough to get started, but you will be rewarded once you do.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Motivation (5/23/2013 10:29:29 AM)
Seriously, this woman sounds severely depressed, not to mention paranoid. She needs to see a therapist, and it has nothing to do with kink. You need to table the whole slave idea until your wife has better mental health. That you are even considering bringing a third into this mess tells me your wife is right in that you don't make good leadership choices. Get your wife into therapy, and then spend some times thinking with your big head about your past mistakes and how you can resolve them so your wife can trust you again. Best, CP

OsideGirl -> RE: Motivation (5/23/2013 12:14:15 PM)
I'll start by saying that you've tried to paint this as her fault while you're the innocent one, when in reality you're both to blame. Something has shaken her faith in you. Instead of making her feel secure, you're trying to push things and talking about getting a third. Her view is most likely that you will replace her with that third (and from the sound of it she's probably correct). Try living a normal life when you feel like you're walking on egg shells, waiting for the other shoe to drop. She's stressed, depressed, not communicating and has responded to that by withdrawing. You're not not meeting her emotional needs, trying to force her to action, not communicating, deliberately doing something that you know feeds her insecurity and you are responding to that by getting frustrated. The two of you need to really start communicating in a healthy way and the place to most likely to start that would be couples counseling.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Motivation (5/23/2013 12:33:20 PM)
I will echo what others have said that your wife is depressed although I think she needs to see a psychiatrist, not simply a therapist. It is possible that menopause can be causing some of her moodiness and there is medication for that. As for you, again like others, your "screw up" 4 years ago, probably has something to do with why she doesn't trust you. That screw up is on you, not her, and you don't sound like you are making any effort to try to win back her trust, which again, is on you. As for looking for a third to help on the farm. If all you want is help on the farm, then hire someone. Although I'm sure the "farm help" you want would be an attractive female, which is not going to do your marriage any good.

chatterbox24 -> RE: Motivation (5/23/2013 1:09:32 PM)
Give her a back rub. Hold her in bed, ask her what is wrong, and really listen. Stroke her hair. Smile and do the dishes for her. pick a day and Help her catch up on the overwhelming housework. ask her at night when she wakes up if she needs something. Forget her being a slave for awhile ...make it about her, her needs, she sounds like she doesn't feel good. Maybe a lil extra effort might help her along. That's all I got.

Kinkypupper -> RE: Motivation (5/23/2013 1:32:34 PM)
I screwed up by not giving her daily or even weekly canines and paddlings. I started being more concerned for her health and well being. It's changed into a marriage of tolerance than a M/s relationship. The collar came off due to her asthma. And has not been on since. For her there is now a fine line between abuse and punnishment/play. I am more worried about loosing her if I let loose my sadistic side.

Kinkypupper -> RE: Motivation (5/23/2013 1:39:20 PM)
That's part of the problem.. I do those things. This morning I woke at 0615 knowing she came to bed after midnight.( after I told her to come to bed now.) I let. Her sleep in. I drank reheated coffee I made my own lunch. I let the dog out and fed the horses. She slept it tell? I just spoke to her. When I left I woke her said I was leaving for work and to put the books in the bookshelf. When I spoke with her 15 min ago there was no comment about the books, she had just came in from working in the greenhouse. So When I get home if I say something she will say I was in the greenhouse ( which is a priority) or that her finger still hurt or or or.. And the books sit.. If I spank her ass for not obeying the retort will come out that" fine do you feel better and all dommly now" If I slap her face I will get the " I am leaving and suing your ass for abuse" threat... S I walk in bite my tongue....

Kinkypupper -> RE: Motivation (5/23/2013 1:48:22 PM)
We live 30 miles from the nearest fast food. She will never see a shrink as they are all part of the system and she is just fine. It's me thats the problem. We know a kink friendly councilor but she is 200 miles away. Hiring help.?Money issues. I work for a living.. Besides in her mind they are all thieves and will steal us blind. We lock the garage shop because 2 jars or apple sauce and some homemade pickles are missing, she is sure someone came here in the night and took them. Remember we live 30 miles from a burger joint and cannot see any other houses. And we have a dog and electric fence... Few even know where we live. And any slave will be a bi male in chastity She does not get it. I have no desire for her or anyone else. I am pushin 60 and my cancer I had in the 80's added 10 yrs to that. Try starting to built a small self sufficient farm from nothing in your late 50's and all your kids want nothing to do with you unless they want something and when we moved here we had to pay those we thought were friends to help us move. The list of things we have done on our own would be totally staggering to read. And I have. 8 to 5 job. My vacations are putting up fences, hauling manure, etc.

chatterbox24 -> RE: Motivation (5/23/2013 2:00:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kinkypupper That's part of the problem.. I do those things. This morning I woke at 0615 knowing she came to bed after midnight.( after I told her to come to bed now.) I let. Her sleep in. I drank reheated coffee I made my own lunch. I let the dog out and fed the horses. She slept it tell? I just spoke to her. When I left I woke her said I was leaving for work and to put the books in the bookshelf. When I spoke with her 15 min ago there was no comment about the books, she had just came in from working in the greenhouse. So When I get home if I say something she will say I was in the greenhouse ( which is a priority) or that her finger still hurt or or or.. And the books sit.. If I spank her ass for not obeying the retort will come out that" fine do you feel better and all dommly now" If I slap her face I will get the " I am leaving and suing your ass for abuse" threat... S I walk in bite my tongue.... LOL....Im not making fun of you but she sounds like a brat! and it struck me funny. WILLFUL. THe paranoia sounds bizarre though, my grandfather did that after he had a nervous breakdown. He thought people were going to steal the tires of the car, took them off, and put them in the kitchen, he also tried eating soup with a fork. He had to get some help then he was fine. He was combative, so he had to have help getting some help too. He didn't go willingly.

LadyPact -> RE: Motivation (5/23/2013 2:25:19 PM)
The woman doesn't obey you because she doesn't respect you. That part is pretty obvious. Not a surprise, either. Most people don't respect those that they don't trust. It's probably even worse because you are trying to regain the respect with punishing her by spanking, which isn't even a type of punishment that is effective according to your own posts. How exactly is that improving things? Two hour drive or not, I would suggest you seriously consider making the investment in counseling. Obviously, you can't fix what is wrong and you need assistance in doing that. As much as you think you need to add to this household because of the farm chores, it would be completely unfair to bring another person into the home at this time. All anybody coming in is going to find is a dysfunctional relationship and from what I'm reading, not a whole lot of influence that would lead anyone to believe that your own submissive is willing to follow your direction. Would you be willing to follow a Dominant who's own submissive doesn't recognize his authority or instruction? Ha! I wouldn't, either. Bringing in another person to "fix" issues is like couples who think having a baby is going to solve the problems between them. Personally, I think you need to shelve any D/s that you lost due to whatever it was that happened between you. Start worrying about being a man who is worthy of trust and respect. Rebuild the foundation of your relationship with honest communication and do whatever has to be done to repair the wounds she is obviously still nursing. Get help as needed so that whatever happened four years ago isn't preventing the two of you from moving forward. If she is your priority above all else, start proving it, rather than just talking about it. From what you say here, I don't think the D/s aspect of your relationship is coming back until you do those things first.

FrostedFlake -> RE: Motivation (5/23/2013 3:02:17 PM)
quote: ...the need on my part to find an additional slave to help on the farm... That should clear things up for you.

searching4mysir -> RE: Motivation (5/23/2013 3:10:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact The woman doesn't obey you because she doesn't respect you. That part is pretty obvious. Not a surprise, either. Most people don't respect those that they don't trust. It's probably even worse because you are trying to regain the respect with punishing her by spanking, which isn't even a type of punishment that is effective according to your own posts. How exactly is that improving things? Two hour drive or not, I would suggest you seriously consider making the investment in counseling. Obviously, you can't fix what is wrong and you need assistance in doing that. As much as you think you need to add to this household because of the farm chores, it would be completely unfair to bring another person into the home at this time. All anybody coming in is going to find is a dysfunctional relationship and from what I'm reading, not a whole lot of influence that would lead anyone to believe that your own submissive is willing to follow your direction. Would you be willing to follow a Dominant who's own submissive doesn't recognize his authority or instruction? Ha! I wouldn't, either. Bringing in another person to "fix" issues is like couples who think having a baby is going to solve the problems between them. Personally, I think you need to shelve any D/s that you lost due to whatever it was that happened between you. Start worrying about being a man who is worthy of trust and respect. Rebuild the foundation of your relationship with honest communication and do whatever has to be done to repair the wounds she is obviously still nursing. Get help as needed so that whatever happened four years ago isn't preventing the two of you from moving forward. If she is your priority above all else, start proving it, rather than just talking about it. From what you say here, I don't think the D/s aspect of your relationship is coming back until you do those things first. ^^Brava! ^^ [sm=goodpost.gif][sm=agree.gif]

OsideGirl -> RE: Motivation (5/23/2013 4:44:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kinkypupper I screwed up by not giving her daily or even weekly canines and paddlings. I started being more concerned for her health and well being. I think it's hysterical that you think your marriage is falling apart because you didn't do enough corporal punishment and caring about her well being.

DarkSteven -> RE: Motivation (5/23/2013 4:52:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kinkypupper We live 30 miles from the nearest fast food. She will never see a shrink as they are all part of the system and she is just fine. It's me thats the problem. We know a kink friendly councilor but she is 200 miles away. Hiring help.?Money issues. I work for a living.. Besides in her mind they are all thieves and will steal us blind. We lock the garage shop because 2 jars or apple sauce and some homemade pickles are missing, she is sure someone came here in the night and took them. Remember we live 30 miles from a burger joint and cannot see any other houses. And we have a dog and electric fence... Few even know where we live. And any slave will be a bi male in chastity She does not get it. I have no desire for her or anyone else. I am pushin 60 and my cancer I had in the 80's added 10 yrs to that. Try starting to built a small self sufficient farm from nothing in your late 50's and all your kids want nothing to do with you unless they want something and when we moved here we had to pay those we thought were friends to help us move. The list of things we have done on our own would be totally staggering to read. And I have. 8 to 5 job. My vacations are putting up fences, hauling manure, etc. I agree with the others that she needs counseling. But you do as well. You're getting no joy in life, and the story about how someone drove umpteen miles to steal a few jars makes no sense. I suspect that you might be depressed yourself.

Musicmystery -> RE: Motivation (5/23/2013 4:56:40 PM)
Personally, I think he's putting you all on. This is beyond a ridiculous story and position.

Kaliko -> RE: Motivation (5/23/2013 5:08:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kinkypupper If we had a tv she would just sit there and vegetate, instead she reads alt. news sites for hours and feels that everyday is our last and no one can be trusted. Also everything is a conspiracy. There are weeks where she sees no other human other than myself. I had a different answer up until I read this sentence. She needs professional help. And you need to find a way to stop being "unmasterly" and make sure she gets it. Maybe she's avoiding intimacy with you because she's feeling let down by you; because she believes you are letting this happen to her. She should take responsibility for herself, yes. But she has reached a point where she is not seeing things clearly and I wonder if she may even know that on some level. She knows something isn't "right." But she can't fix it. She needs you. Don't try to motivate her to be a good and happy slave. Just help her.

lizi -> RE: Motivation (5/23/2013 5:12:25 PM)
It takes two. You both have built up resentments and have both stopped having the other's well being at heart - you and she have both discontinued doing things for the other. There's a systemic breakdown. Whenever you can say something about her, it seems she can say something equal about you. If you want to save this its going to take a lot of hard work. If you choose not to do counseling (or even with it), you're both going to have to totally commit yourselves to the recovery effort- it can't be one-sided, there can't be any more resentments. You're both going to have to be willing to delve into some difficult personal areas, give up your hardened stance on each other, and become humble and ready to hear what the other has to say about you without becoming defensive. You both have to truly want to build things up brick by brick again, it won't happen overnight. Stop pointing your finger at her, or holding her responsible for the condition of things now, what does it matter who was wrong or who did what? What you have is a complete mess and it's worth nothing. There is no easy way to fix it. Be the man. Show her you can, and will, start over. Show her the road you want to follow - when she sees that you're committed to it, she'll probably follow. You have to be the leader though and give up your ego. You really have nothing to lose at this point...why not? If either of you is depressed, you need medical help. Get it.

Kaliko -> RE: Motivation (5/23/2013 5:21:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Musicmystery Personally, I think he's putting you all on. This is beyond a ridiculous story and position. I actually think he sounds all too real. But, I hope you're right.

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